Tuesday, June 30, 2009

MBTA to begin showing feature length films during treacherous ride between North Quincy and JFK

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority has recently announced their plans to begin showing feature length films during the dreaded ride between North Quincy Station and JFK/UMass.

The new plans, which will be implemented on Saturday, August 1st, have daily users of the subway system hopeful for better times to come.

A spontaneous test run was tried out earlier this afternoon, in which inbound commuters were able to watch The Godfather: Part II in it's entirety, leaving them with only approximately thirty-seven minutes of awkward silence before finally reaching JFK/UMass.

"I thought it was great," said "Silent" Mike K., who declined to comment any further.

The new project, which has been coined "The MBTA Movie Reform" by Mayor Thomas Koch, will require each train car to have a thirteen-inch Sanyo TV/VHS combo set to be installed, costing the already near bankrupt agency tens of thousands of dollars in much needed funds.

"This is gonna be a good thing," commented Herb McGrath, a TV/VHS combo installer from Wollaston who won the MBTA contract earlier this morning, outbidding the runner-up by a mere fraction of a cent. "Nobody likes the ride between those two stops, it just takes too goddamn long. We're gonna do some great things here, you just watch. I have some really good ideas on how I'm gonna angle these television sets so that almost everyone in the train car can see what's going on. We're probably gonna have to figure out a way to put a locked casing around the VHS slot though. You let people near that shit, the next thing you know, it's a fucking porn fest during your morning commute. This is a really big gig for me, and that last thing I wanna do is lose it. I've already been sleeping on the couch for the past three months as it is. I don't even wanna know what my wife would do if I fucked this up. Aside from that though, we got this thing covered. This is gonna be slippery smooth, just like butter."

The MBTA will unveil their project during the first train out of North Quincy Station on opening day, and will be offering complimentary popcorn and tonic water to anyone with a valid Charlie Card.

In a semi-related event, Mayor Thomas Koch's intentions of taking full credit for the project were brought to a screeching halt when North Quincy Station officials broke up an attempted ribbon cutting ceremony being held by the mayor himself.

The MBTA denies any connection to Mayor Koch, as well as his coined phrase, "The MBTA Movie Reform," as they are completely separate from the city of Quincy. When asked why he would take it upon himself to name a project that had absolutely nothing to do with him, Mayor Koch simply sat down and continued to be significantly smaller than the average adult male.

Officer Nico Haylen to be featured in upcoming issue of Diabetic Cop Weekly

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Diabetic Cop Weekly

Officer Nico Haylen, the disgraced local cop best known for constantly blaming his overly-antagonistic approach to law enforcement on diabetes, will be featured in the upcoming issue of Diabetic Cop Weekly, the monthly magazine that caters to those who have sworn to protect, serve, and repeatedly monitor their blood glucose levels.

The exclusive interview, which will be available in the August 2009 issue of the highly regarded magazine, will cover Haylen's life from his early childhood to his later years as the most notorious, and often hilarious, diabetic cop Quincy has ever seen.

But not everyone is excited by the news of Haylen's inclusion in the extremely-specific-to-one-very-small-demographic magazine, as some readers have sworn to cancel their subscriptions if Haylen's cover shot makes it's way to the shelves.

"We're talking about someone who murdered over thirty people at his own surprise party," barked Chip Rodgers, an ex-cop and part-time diabetic dishwasher at the Early American on Hancock Street. "He makes diabetics look like they're all psychotic warmongers, it's ridiculous. That guy can't even get a cat out of a tree without someone taking a bullet. The only reason he's still on the force is because he's diabetic and they feel bad for him. The diabetic community will not stand for this, not one bit. Diabetic Cop Weekly can kiss over a hundred subscriptions goodbye if they release this next issue with Haylen on the cover, that's a promise. We already have the signatures. We're one envelope and one stamp away from writing the angriest letter that magazine has ever received. The ball is in their court from here. I just hope they make the right decision."

But Officer Haylen, who is no stranger to being forced to offer his side of events, disagrees, and sees the magazine spot as a chance for a new beginning. "I understand that people are mad," Haylen said. "But what most people have to realize is that they're just jealous. My entire life, people have wanted to be me. I was cursed at birth with these sterling good looks and this magnetic personality. That was my cross to bear. But everytime I catch a break, people wanna shoot me down. Do they seriously think that the only clip I have is the one in my gun right now? There's plenty more where that came from, trust me. This is a new door for me, and people are gonna finally be able to see what I'm all about, and I like that. If people wanna run their mouths about me, that's their choice. I can't stop them from thinking what they're gonna think. But let me ask you this---who's the one on the cover a magazine?"

Haylen's interview with Diabetic Cop Weekly is expected to hit the shelves on July 25th, and has so far not been cancelled or postponed.

Great white shark spotted in Merrymount lagoon, entire neighborhood buys bigger boats

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A great white shark was spotted yesterday just inches from land in a remote Merrymount lagoon known as "White Collar Gulf."

The shark, which is estimated to be approximately twelve feet in length, wandered into the lagoon at approximately 5:45PM last night, and has remained there ever since.

Calls began coming into Quincy Police by 5:52PM and continued on late into the evening, as friends and neighbors of the area showed absolutely no signs of attempting to get used to the shark.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I responded to the call just before six o'clock," remarked the infamous diabetic. "It was right before my dinner break, too, which always happens. It never fucking fails. I was about five minutes away from eating one of my special diabetes steaks, and all of the sudden, in comes a call. But that's the life I chose, you know? So I suck it up and take the call, because that's what heroes do. At first, I'm thinking it's a disturbance call, but my dispatcher keeps talking about a shark. That's when I figure he's talking about Marky 'The Sharky' Shea, that bummin' car thief from South Quincy. I get to the scene as fast as I can, pull up to the water, and it's total fucking chaos. People are freaking out, pointing and screaming, acting like fucking animals. That's when I looked over and saw the shark. I don't even remember what happened next."

"That cop was certifiably insane," screamed Steve Winscott, co-owner of Amazing Video and lifelong Merrymount resident. "He just whipped his gun out and starting blasting away. He must have fired twelve rounds at that thing. I couldn't see for sure, but I think he definitely pierced through the thing's dorsal fin. It was like that scene in Jaws 2 when Chief Brody lost control and just started shooting at a school of blue fish with those crazy bullets he made during the obligatory preparation-for-war montage. I'm no shark expert, especially when it comes to their nervous systems, but, if you ask me, getting shot in the dorsal fin has gotta sting a bit. It's probably like getting shot through the ear, which, let's face it, would suck."

Through the evening, police and media swarmed the area, searching for answers as to why the shark had chosen Merrymount as it's resting spot. Local scientist, Matty Hammers, offered a vague explanation as to how this could have happened.

"Great white sharks have become more aggressive in the past few years," Hammers stated. "I don't wanna pawn this off on one of those 'must be something in the water' things, but I think it's something in the water. About eight years ago, the entire city of Quincy was hooked on a workout beverage called Speed Stack, which had 25mg of Ephedrine in each bottle. But after sports players started dropping like flies, and doctors started coming to the realization that it was these workout drinks causing it, anything with Ephedrine in it got taken off the market. It became a black market sensation in this city, and when the feds busted down George Camaro's garage, they found over a thousand bottles of it, which got dumped into the ocean, right in the Merrymount area. Is it possible that all this Ephedrine that was so carelessly dumped into the water is still there, and has caused a rise in aggressive behavior with these sharks---of course it is. Picture the toughest Quincy kid you know, then multiply that by a freaking billion. That's what you have going on right now, if you ask me. If I could offer one piece of advice to the residents of Quincy, I would advise them to stay out of the water."

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, it is assumed that he would deny the accusations of overly aggressive sharks, and inform people that the beaches are considered to be safe, and will be open on the upcoming 4th of July holiday. So far, Officer Nico Haylen has not been charged with yet another case of handgun misuse, although Quincy Police have promised to "keep a close eye on both Haylen and the shark."

Monday, June 29, 2009

City stunned as Dairy Freeze sign mysteriously predicts celebrity deaths

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The entire city of Quincy was left stunned as a mysterious sign outside a local Dairy Freeze on Adams Street has once again accurately predicted a celebrity death. The sign, which has predicted the exact date of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now celebrity pitchman Billy Mays’ deaths, has shocked all who have witnessed it’s awesome power.

Adding to the eerie nature of things, staff of the business claim that no one has admitted to placing letters on the sign, which has been unused since 1993. Apparently, the managers of the Dairy Freeze suspended employees from using the sign after a late night prank advertising “Butt Cream Sundaes” and “Hot Fudge Cancer” for “$5,000.00 Dollars” brought in numerous complaints. Since then, the sign has been left bare until recent events.

“It’s definitely spooky,” remarked day manager Tommy VonGatton, “I don’t really feel safe working here anymore. I mean, I guess the Hollywood community should feel even less safe than I do, considering the fact that they’re the ones dropping like flies, but I still don’t like it.”

When questioned as to whether Mr. VonGatton had any idea who was putting up the mysterious messages on the sign, he stated that none of his employees were to blame. “No, there is no one doing it," he added. "I have watched all the security tapes and the letters just appear at midnight every night. It’s completely fucked up.”

The bizarre messages began appearing last year but were not taken seriously by management until the recent spate of celebrity deaths. Former employee and recent Quincy College dropout, Fletch McCarthy, worked at the Dairy Freeze last year and claims to be the first person to notice the odd messages.

“Yeah, it was nuts,” explained McCarthy between slugs of lukewarm Sam Adams Boston Lager. “I went out to crush some ales in the parking lot on my break and saw that there was shit written on the sign. Nobody is supposed to put anything up there. It’s the first thing they taught me in the training course. Well, right after they told me to put my beers away, but c’mon dude, that’s just childish. This kids tryin’ to serve some cold delights over here.”

McCarthy then paused to fire a box of empty bottles over a nearby fence before resuming his story. “The sign said something about ‘One Free Small Sundae When You Purchase a Large Ice Blizzard,' but then, below that, it said ‘Heath Ledger WILL Die on January 21, 2008.’ I mean, I thought that was kinda weird, but the small sundae thing made sense considering that was the special deal that week, so I just left it alone. I didn't really think much of it at the time."

While the prediction regarding Ledger’s death struck some as strange, it was not taken seriously, as it was one day off from the actor’s actual date of death. But not long after, things began to change, and the sign grew more and more accurate. Passersby began gathering around it and slowly, but surely, the sign became a tourist hotspot. Japanese-American tourists from as far away as Hingham could be seen taking pictures with the now infamous landmark. Many celebrities, including notorious shitbag Robin Williams, nervously wrote into Dairy Freeze’s upper management in the hopes that the sign might be taken down. When reached for comment, franchise owner “Dairy” Don Freeze explained that they would like to bow to the pressure from the Hollywood community, but the sign has been “one hundred percent accurate in advertising up-to-the-minute ice cream specials, thus making it the most competent worker Dairy Freeze has ever had”, and has even been the source of added revenue for the business.

“We’re going to miss Mr. Mays and his loud-as-hell sales pitches,” sighed Freeze. "But that doesn’t mean the ice-cream-loving public should miss out on the ridiculously low priced ‘Hurricane Blueberry Blizzard Shake’ that is being served this week! There's no better way to start off the summer.”

For now, the entire entertainment industry must hold it’s breath and await further morbid predictions from the sign, while the entire ice-cream-loving world awaits with equal anticipation for the newest deals and specials on delicious summer treats.

Finland Steam Baths struggles to compete in failing economy, lowers prices of handjobs

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Finland Steam Baths, the well known "massage therapy" business located in the seedy underbelly of West Quincy, has grudgingly reported significant losses in the second quarter of 2009, causing management to rethink business practices, starting with major price changes on everything from holistic healing to handjobs.

Opening in 1928 as an alternative source of relieving tension during Prohibition era, Finland Steam Baths has been a constant staple in the West Quincy community, often times raising many questions as to what exactly goes on inside.

By 1967, Finland Steam Baths had gained a small, but steady, following, eventually leading to a customer base which was far larger than they could have predicted, most notably due to the inclusion of their trademark "Finland Steamer," a controversial massage technique performed just below the waistline.

But the struggling economy has proven to be difficult for local businesses such as these, as it seems that companies who deal in the smaller niche trades are those who have been suffering most.

Officer Nico Haylen recalls one of his more questionable memories of the notorious steam bath. "I was responding to a disturbance call a couple months back," he stated. "When I arrived at the scene, there was an unwholesome mood in the air. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but the lingering feeling of mischief was there. It's a feeling I know all too well. I decided to go in and assess the situation for myself."

Stopping briefly to light a cigarette, Haylen continued on. "It was one of the most shocking things I had ever seen. Every room I checked was more disgusting than the last. Dudes were launching semen in every direction, with absolutely no regard for where it landed. The moaning sounds were so intense. It was like a fuck explosion in that place, it was insane. It wasn't until I walked into the steam room when I completely lost it. There were these four dudes, all dripping with sweat, just staring at me with that glazed look in their eye. It was a post-handjob look, trust me. I did pretty well with the ladies back in high school, and if there's any look I'm familiar with, it's that. I immediately called for backup at that point. Ten minutes later, we raided that place with riot gear on---guns drawn, vests, dogs, cameras---the whole deal."

The four infamous bathers, dripping with sweat, staring longingly into the camera.

Whether these new price changes will help business, or not, only time will tell. Employees at the steam bath remain optimistic, as they feel the services they provide are above and beyond what their competition offers. And no matter how many accusations of shady business practices are made, they know that, deep down inside, the residents of West Quincy will always be there for them. Historically speaking, West Quincy residents do not judge those who are allegedly breaking the law, they participate.

"I have worked here for many a year now," commented Annaliisa Aino, a thirty-year veteran of the establishment. "This job, it is a hard job. There is so much steam, and so many fluids. The customers, they relieve themselves wherever they wish. They do not care where. Sometimes it is on the floor, and other times, more often than one might think, it is the ceiling. The windows, the walls, the work never stops. It is a hard job on the soul. But the times, they are so tough right now. We make the prices smaller in hopes that more people will come."

There has been no confirmation yet on whether, or not, Aino's pun was intended.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Tom Turkolio takes on Jeff Brophy in list of people doomed to fail in upcoming election

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the 2009 Turkolio for Quincy Campaign

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker last in the news for flying off the handle at a local PTA meeting, announced this Thursday his intentions to take on Jeff Brophy in the upcoming Quincy mayoral race.

The announcement, which was made in the Quincy Scallion's own comments section (SEE HERE), was considered by many to be unofficial until last night when Quincy residents began spotting an online advertisement (above) in local message boards. The advertisement, which appears to be the beginning of an aggressive viral marketing campaign, has the entire city on edge, with most people wondering who Tom Turkolio has in his corner.

"I don't even understand what's going on," commented Chuck Tucci, an ordinary working man from Quincy. "I didn't even know that Abington residents could run for mayor in Quincy. That's news to me. I just wanna know who's helping him with this viral marketing campaign. I've met many ironworkers in my life, and most of them don't even know what the internet is, nevermind know how to use it. And I'm not trying to sound condescending, or anything like that, but do they even have internet service in Abington? It's like the fucking wild west out there. I'm pretty sure they still use Bell Atlantic for their phones. Plus, not to bring up old shit, but doesn't this Turkolio guy have a pending trial going on?"

But while some had strong feelings about Turkolio's campaign, most Quincy residents were still unaware of who Tom Turkolio actually is, some of them claiming to have never even heard of him. "I have no idea who we're talking about here," claimed Taylor Greenstock, a public defender from Quincy Point. "Why doesn't he just run for mayor in Abington, that seems a lot more reasonable. Honestly, I'm not even sure they even have a mayor, or what their political system, if any, is set up like, but, either way, it all seems a little bit ridiculous. Couldn't he just run for sheriff, or something like that? That's seriously what I picture when I think of Abington, just one, lone sheriff on a horse, firing a pistol in the air. I dunno, it just seems so obvious to me that this race is between Koch and Phelan. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, and I certainly have no idea who this Brophy guy is either. These people are making a public spectacle of what should be an ordinary election process. It's a disgrace to everything our forefathers built. It's just wrong."

But Turkolio and his entourage of three Abington kids disagree, and have promised to prove detractors of his campaign wrong. It is a promise that will most likely be left unfulfilled, but a promise, nonetheless.

"Ironworkers don't lie," said Turkolio in his one-on-one interview with the Scallion. "When you start eating lunch thirty-seven stories above ground with nothing between you and the pavement but a single slab of iron, you start to look at the world differently. Quincy is a beautiful city, and I would like nothing more than to be able to mold this city into the thriving community I know it can be. Jeff Brophy can't do that for you, mainly because the kid is a fucking dickhead, but also because the kid just straight-up sucks. Mayor Koch has proven to us that he cares about himself, and himself only. He disregards the interests of the city, always putting his own interests first. Just read the Quincy Scallion and you'll see what I mean. I'm not exactly sure who this Phelan guy is, but he seems like an all right dude. I have nothing against Phelan at all, I just think I could do a better job than he could. This is just something that I know I have to do, because I am 100% confident that I am the man for the job. No hesitation, no turning back. I gotta do it, I have no choice."

Turkolio's entourage of three Abington kids were unavailable for comment, as they were rumored to be drinking cans of Busch beer in the basement of a well-known Green Street whore. There is no word yet on whether, or not, Turkolio is aware that the last two sentences of his quote are exact lyrics from Madball's "Down By Law."

Friday, June 26, 2009

Local man goes berserk after barber finishes haircut off with Clubman® brand after shave

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went completely berserk this afternoon after a barber finished his haircut off with a generous splash of Clubman® brand after shave lotion. The haircut and ensuing rampage took place at Sean's Barber Shop in North Quincy, resulting in one man being arrested in a nearby wooded area, and the scent of Clubman® wafting across Hancock Street.

Shawn Pencil, 39, of Elm Avenue, was charged with reckless endangerment of an entire city, ruthless sucker-punching of civilians, and operating in a non-Clubman® demeanor post-haircut. Authorities who arrived at the scene, however, all agreed that the back of Pencil's neck was as smooth as a recently divorced wife's bikini line.

Pencil, originally from Charlestown, claims to have moved from the Boston Proper area a short time ago due to the constant aroma of Clubman® in the air, rumored to have started after local hardcore legend and Cambridge Elks Lodge show promoter, Jimmy Flynn, began finding it amusing to cover everything north of Boston with the notorious orange flower and geranium infused after shave.

"Everywhere I go, it's all I can smell," shouted Pencil, as he viciously struggled to speak without breathing in through his nose. "I didn't move across the fucking bridge to deal with this shit. Every fucking place I go, it's always the same. Clubman, Clubman, Clubman...fuck, fuck, fuck. When I go to Somerville---fucking Clubman. Charlestown, Chelsea, Saugus---same fucking shit. It just has to end."

While authorities maintain that this is an isolated incident, the after shave is under close scrutiny from Mayor Koch’s office, and is potentially on his list of “Things to Ban in ‘09,” along with “those old-tyme bicycles with one big wheel and one small wheel, and actor Shia LeBeouf.”

West Quincy's prayers are answered as cigarette prices drop to state minimum

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Riots have broken out in the heart of West Quincy as residents have finally had their prayers answered for lower prices on cigarettes, or "ciggs," as they are referred to in the notoriously plebeian community.

Tino's Gulf Station, former hangout spot of first generation, metalhead "t-rats," such as Rick Sinner, Bill Beastly, and Greg "Basset Hound" D├╝demankid, announced yesterday in their weekly press conference that they will now be offering cigarettes at state minimum prices. It is this state minimum that will offer customers a savings of nearly thirty-five cents per pack, leaving smokers with the general feeling that, while they still might be getting raped in the ass, at least there's lube involved.

"Needless to say, I'm fucking ecstatic," commented Chris Mandukes, a mid-level coke dealer from Town Hill Street. "If you ask me, the government has been far too involved in the price of ciggs for far too long. Every time I buy a pack, I feel like I just got my fucking face fucked by Deval Patrick himself. Which, let's face it, is fucking disgusting. But it's businesses like Tino's Gulf that make it a little easier on the pocket."

Employees of Tino's Gulf Station, who have built a strong relationship with residents over the years due to their fair prices and "no questions asked" policies, were just as excited to celebrate the recent price change. "I been workin' here for over a month," said Shamika Johnson, an aspiring reality television star. "And believe me, I done seen some dead serious shit. People come in here all the time, I don't ask questions. You want gas, but you ain't got no car wit'choo, I ain't be askin' shit. That ain't none of my business. Just gimme somethin' to put it in and go about'cha day. Next day, read the paper, dead hooker, bitch be found all on fire and shit---ain't no thang but a chicken wang, know what I'm sayin'? You feelin' me? I ain't be givin' a shit. You want gas, I sell ya ass some gas. Sell ya ciggs real cheap, too. Dirt cheap. State minimum all up in this bitch, ya hear?"

Shortly after the press conference, Tino's Gulf hosted their first annual "Bigg Ciggs Shindigg" party, which included live music and games for any West Quincy resident who smokes cigarettes. Games at the event included a cigarette smoking contest, in which the winner of the contest was awarded one free quart of 5W20 grade semi-synthetic motor oil, as well as a "cigg toss," where participants would stand behind a line and flick cigarettes as close as they could to a pool of spilled gasoline, all while trying to avoid a fiery blaze.

Musical performances were provided by the Ciggnificant Others, Ciggmund Freud and the Snipes, and Tino's own hip-hop artist, Ciggie Smalls.

Food was then served as Tino's unveiled their brand new "Cigg Newtons," which as far as anyone could tell, were nothing more than cigarette butts wrapped in a flour-based pastry, baked on top of a 6.4 liter turbocharged diesel engine's intake manifold.

It was upon hearing this information that residents of the area went completely berserk, resulting in massive pile-ups on Copeland Street, multiple beatings, uncomfortably long rapes, and thousands of dollars in property damage. Authorities are still on the lookout for an unknown man who literally drove his vehicle through the service bay door of Tino's and began devastating the living shit out of people in a manner that was described by onlookers as "just like that skinny karate dude in Alpha Dog." At this point, there is no known information as to the suspect's whereabouts or identity, however, based on one spectator's photograph of the amazing getaway, it is presumed that he is a huge fucking Guns N' Roses fan.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Quincy resident uncovers vague sexual undertones in Nine Inch Nails hit song "Closer"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Moranzo Llamas, a local day laborer known for pointing out ridiculously obvious things and then taking the credit for it, has found what he believes to be a hidden sexual agenda in the hit Nine Inch Nails song, "Closer."

The discovery was made while playing the song during a late night jukebox session that occurred last night at Sully's on Chestnut Street, just after Trent Reznor repeatedly shouted the words "I wanna fuck you like an animal."

"I couldn't believe it," said Llamas, who spoke between bites of his world famous Sully's baked stuffed clams. "I had probably heard that song a thousand times before last night and never noticed a thing. Trent Reznor's good like that, he can slip one past ya when you're least expecting it, and no one would be the wiser."

Stopping briefly to take one of the fiercest bowel movements this reporter has ever had the displeasure of listening to, Moranzo emerged from the Sully's bathroom, eager to continue his tale. "Anyway, I was amazed at how many erotic innuendos there are in that song. They're subtle, but they're there. You just gotta know where to find them. Lines like 'you let me violate you' and 'you let me penetrate you' are all over that song. I mean, there's really no way around it,
that's sexy talk. And what the fuck does 'I drink the honey inside your hive' mean? I honestly have no clue, but it's racy-as-fuck. That's some come-hither shit right there, that's what that is. I wouldn't mind trying out a little of that shit---you know---with the right girl, that is. Either way, I probably wouldn't be ordering the clams from this place. I should have known that $1.50 was too good to be true for baked stuffed clams, even in this town. Seriously, I don't mean to knock the food here, or anything like that, but I don't feel so hot."

Llamas was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was immediately asked to leave, as his health insurance exclusions clearly state that all Sully's-related incidents are not covered, no matter how big or small. He was then brought to a former medical student's basement in Dorchester, where his stomach was pumped using a makeshift apparatus made from an old Flowbee and a length of garden hose.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Image of Craigslist Killer caught on camera above Quincy Center skyline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Longfur

In what may be the absolute weirdest fucking shit this city has ever seen, a photograph was taken yesterday evening of the Quincy Center skyline with what appears to be the image of the Craigslist Killer in the top left portion.

Scientists are baffled by what may be the first sign of evidence that the Craigslist Killer is not a man, but an omnipresent being, or possibly even a god.

"There's no scientific way to explain this picture," remarked Matty Hammers, a local scientist from the mean streets of Allston. "I've been working in the field of science for quite some time now, and never before have I seen anything like this. This is literally the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, face-smashing, ball-grinding shit I have ever seen. It makes me rethink what science has taught us, and I don't like that."

The photograph, which was taken at approximately 6:30PM last night, was presented to us by Elizabeth Longfur of Squantum, who insanely rambled her side of the story to us in between brief moments of vomiting and spasms. "I was up on the rooftops," she explained. "Obviously getting fucked up. Why else would I be on a fucking rooftop, right? I'm up there, just thinking some shit through, and I'm just drilling cans of Natty Ice. And I mean I was literally drilling them. Chug, chug, bam---how ya like that shit---right to the fucking face. And I'm starting to get a little fucked up, I'm not gonna lie, there's no use. That's when I decide to switch to the the bong. I don't have any water on me, so I toss a little Natty Ice in there, pack that shit, and I just start slugging bong hits like it ain't no thing. One hit, two hits, three hits, four---right to the face---fucking whatever, dude. Go fuck yourself. Don't really care. I'm just getting ripped apart, sliced up, fucking annihilated. I'm thinking I better slow down at this point, so I sorta make a pact with myself to pack the thing one more time, then call it quits, right? One more hit, then another one, and another one after that, you know the deal. I'm getting ruthless up in that piece. Fucking ruthless. That's when I look over and see some dude's mug all up in Quincy's shit. I'm thinking it's just something in my mind, you know? Wouldn't be the first time I hallucinated something crazy, that's for fucking sure. This one time at the Squantum school yard, I saw Abe Lincoln shooting free throws with fucking puppies, it was hilarious. Acid was so fucking good back in the day, seriously. Where's that shit been lately, right? So, whatever, moving along. I end up taking a picture of this shit and I head home, not really thinking much of it at all. Anyway, I wake up this morning and take a look at the picture and the dude's still there. That's when I called the press. Not much more to say, to be honest. It was some dead serious shit though, I'll tell you that much."

At this point, no independent researcher or institution has been able to provide any evidence that Longfur's photograph has been falsified in any way. Programs such as Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Paint have been ruled out, as Longfur swears she does not own a personal computer.

Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, Audrey Baloney, arrived on the scene shortly after this sighting was reported. "Honestly, this is a little out of my league here," she claimed. "Basically, I was called in because the word 'rooftop' was mentioned. That's what I do. That's my thing. Anything supernatural, unexplained, or even borderline mystical, I'd much rather hand it over to someone else. Knowing what I know about the Craigslist Killer, however, I'd say that everybody is probably pretty safe, for the most part. Aside from prostitutes, that is. Anybody out there sucking dudes off for coke money should probably take a quick glance at the sky first, if you know what I'm saying. Or, just for the sake of offering new ideas, stop sucking dudes off for coke money. There's always that option."

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Elizabeth Longfur was rushed to Quincy Medical Center almost immediately after her interview with the Scallion. She was diagnosed with extreme bong hit poisoning, making it the first ever recorded case of such a seemingly ridiculous ailment. Authorities have stated that they will remain at Quincy Medical Center until Longfur regains consciousness, at which point they will apprehend her for a series of charges and "set that bitch straight once and for all."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ultimate blues riff wasted on distracted crowd at former Yard Rock Cafe

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Holy Grail of blues riffs was played last night at Kilroy’s Cafe (formerly the Yard Rock Cafe) in Quincy Point, although was unfortunately wasted on a crowd that was too distracted to appreciate it. The riff, sounding completely different than the three other blues riffs that have been recycled for close to seventy years now, was busted out by local legend “Swimmin” Tim DeShula after a six-hour drunken rampage that resulted in DeShula finding a guitar in the dumpster out back, plugging it into the house speakers, and wailing away.

While estimates place at least forty people in the club at the time, only two were coherent enough to recognize history being made. YoYo Stah, age unknown, a wealthy dockside magician and part time white collar gangster rapper from either St. Petersburg, Russia, or Merrymount, Quincy, and Geoffrey Ohbryan, a 29-year-old unemployed vampire hunter from the Norfolk Downs section of North Quincy. Both report that they heard the riff and remain the only solid sources of information regarding the event.

“I hide out here sometimes,” whispered Starr in a thick Soviet accent that sounded suspiciously like a Quincy kid’s best attempt at a Russian voice. “The riff was insane, ya? Like no other blues riff. It wasn’t any of the same three that are always played, ya? It was, like...different.”

Ohbryan, dousing himself in Clubman® brand after shave, agreed. “Dude, it’s too bad no one else noticed. That riff was the most blues, kid. But that Two and a Half Men episode where Charlie Sheen gets into a wacky situation where he’s trying to date two women at the same time was on, and we all know how Quincy barflies love their Two and a Half Men. Actually, that show enjoys very high ratings in the Quincy area. And at the same time, these two dogs came running into the joint fighting over a bone. I had a sawbuck on the bigger dog getting that bone, but the smaller dog just had more heart---what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, people were just too distracted---and way, way too drunk to notice or care.”

Deshula himself was unavailable for comment as he was “sleeping one off” in the drunk tank down at the Quincy Police station, along with both bartenders who worked the club that night. It is doubtful any of them remember much of last night, including an alleged hand-over-fist pounding of nine bottles of Crown Royal.

Swimmin’ Tim was last in the news after a failed suicide attempt in which he ended up jumping off of his one-story roof and landing in his neighbor’s pool. He was described by a Burberry sweater-clad onlooker as having gone from “swimming in debt due to horrendous business decisions, to just plain swimmin’ in his neighbors’ pool.” While the nickname stuck, so did the charges of attempted suicide, pool-hopping, and being ridiculous for only jumping off a one-story building in the first place. The depression-riddled, struggling musician's family left him not long after, and he can frequently
be found searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle in Kilroy’s Cafe.

Human cloning technology paves way for possible Clash reunion in Squantum

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In this shocking story, Jacia Hearn, the undisputed leader of Squantum, has come forth with information about a scientific breakthrough that may lead to one of the most bizarre events Quincy has ever seen, a Clash reunion.

The reunion show, which has already been hastily scheduled for Saturday, August 1st, was kept entirely under wraps until this morning, when Hearn went live on the North Quincy High School intercom system, causing local authorities to respond to the scene. He was then apprehended and charged with illegal use of a high school intercom system, as well as possession of what police have described as "more acid than fucking Woodstock," although the charges were dropped almost immediately after when police realized his arrest was in direct violation of Mayor Thomas Koch's "No Squantum Kid Left Behind" act.

"This shit is gonna be nuts," remarked Hearn. "We have found what appears to be a mosquito that at one point drew blood from Joe fucking Strummer. Now, I'm no scientist, I'll admit that one right off the bat. What I am though is a huge Jurassic Park fan, and I'm pretty fucking sure that that movie has one of the most bulletproof plot lines ever. Everything that happened in that movie could happen in real life, I don't think anybody's gonna argue that one. You'd have to be a fucking psychopath to go against that logic. You should have seen this fly though. It just kept coming into my room and then leaving again, it was fucking insane. It couldn't tell if it should stay or if it should go. That's when I knew. I knew that little fucker had some Strummer in him, and that my prayers had finally been answered. I trapped that little guy in an updside down shot glass and just started making calls. Anybody from back in the day who did even remotely well in science class got a call that night. I'm compiling a team of people to head the project as we speak. This shit is going down, there's absolutely no way it can fail. We just need somebody who knows how to clone, but that's literally the only thing we're lacking at this point. The rest is just gravy."

But not all Squantum kids are as hopeful as Hearn, some of them remaining skeptical of the flimsly scientific formula. DJ Silent Partner, who Jacia Hearn recruited to host the event, tells his side of the story. "I like Jurassic Park as much as the next guy," he explained. "But that doesn't mean this cloning process is going to work. Honestly, they don't even explain it that thoroughly in the movie, and I'm pretty sure Jacia hasn't read the book. I can't really see this whole thing working out in anyone's favor, but I guess it's worth a shot. I'd do anything to see the Clash. 02171 is ground fucking zero for Clash fans, everybody knows that. I just don't have much faith in Quincy kids cloning people, I guess you could say. Either way, what was I supposed to do, turn the offer down? I can't do that. It certainly doesn't seem likely that it would work out, but what if, y'know? What if?"

In addition to the Clash and DJ Silent Partner, other acts to be included in the upcoming show will include Vern Roberts and the Mushroom Chocolates, the Ramblin' Souls, The Partiana Tarter Quartet, and the Brothers of Noel Vickery.

Jeff Brophy announces mayoral run, seeks funds in meeting being held in living room

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the 2009 Brophy for Quincy Campaign

Jeff Brophy (middle), a local man who has reportedly not gotten a moment of sleep since the mid-nineties, announced this weekend his intentions of entering his name in the upcoming mayoral race in Quincy, causing quite a stir among those who live a "rock out with your cock out" way of life, consisting mainly of near-thirtysomethings who are not yet registered to vote.

The announcement, which was made on Sunday afternoon at the Dial-A-Pizza in Somerville, involved Jeff Brophy standing on the hood of his car and shouting to the sky as onlookers watched in awkward silence, coming to an immediate conclusion just moments later, as Brophy spiked an Italian sub on the ground with enough force to cover a good amount of the crowd with hot peppers. A meeting was then held at an undisclosed apartment in Wollaston, where Brophy, accompanied by a hand selected team of advisors, attempted to raise enough money to launch his campaign.

Reporting back nearly five hundred dollars in donations, Brophy's campaign was then able to then take it to the next step and order almost one hundred lawn signs.

Brophy's new lawn signs, designed in MS Paint, declare him as a "wicked good kid."

Brophy's newly assembled team of "Average Joe" advisors, which consists of Shawnie Brando (left), an aspiring cab driver from South Quincy, and Neal Diamondz (right), a well known local hip-hop icon from Hospital Hill, have his opponents wondering if they are taking the right steps in their own respective campaigns.

"I don't even know who this Brophy kid is," declared Mayor Thomas Koch. "All I know is what I've seen in press photos, in which case he's always wearing a Quincy Maggots shirt. I can't lose to a kid wearing a Quincy Maggots shirt, right? I'm not gonna have to give up all this cool stuff I've gotten since becoming mayor, am I? I fought long and hard to bury all these Guitar Hero accessories into the city budget, and I'm not about to lose them to some snot-nosed Quincy punk who thinks he can take my crown away just because he feels like it."

"Mayor Koch better not get too comfortable in that office," stated Brophy, as he rolled out of bed to watch the sunset with a take-out order of Mascot Chef. "That's about all I have to say about that shit. And I have nothing personal against Phelan, not at all. That dude's a good dude. If I don't win this thing, I want it to go to him, dead fucking serious, kid. It's Koch I'm looking forward to taking down. That guy can go suck a fucking goat dick. He'd probably like it, too."

Brophy's small-but-hopeful campaign has others describing him as "a small player, but definitely something that could result in a last minute sting for the other runners," causing some to refer to him as "Kid Bumblebee." In honor of Brophy's mayoral run, 7-Eleven, home to over 90% of Brophy's late-night meals, has just announced the "Bumblebee Blast Slurpee™," which, for a limited time, will be available only in Quincy. The Slurpee, which will be flavored through a blend of all fruits native to Quincy, will come with an extra "blast" of energy powder, designed to make you feel just like Brophy himself as he rambles on at a party and won't shut the fuck up.

The Bumblebee Blast Slurpee™, the first politically motivated Slurpee of all time.

No further information about Brophy's campaign has made it to the public, however, several eyewitnesses have placed Neal Diamondz in front of the old Quincy Records & Tapes on Monday evening, selling his all-new CD single, "All Up in Your Face, Bitches (Brophy 2K9)," which features Shawnie Brando performing what one man described as the "sickest fucking solo ever." More on this continuing story will be available as this developing story unfolds.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Local ironworker arrested for going on insane rampage during peaceful PTA meeting

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker known for his mysterious interests in Quincy politics, was arrested last night for going on a violent rampage at a local PTA meeting.

The PTA meeting, which took place at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School in West Quincy, was being held to discuss an upcoming summer program, in which the children of Quincy will be taught defense mechanisms against gonorrhea.

"I don't even know what that guy was doing there," said Allison Hambone, a former employee of Leo's Variety Store and mother of six from Brewer's Corner. "First of all, the guy is from Abington, and even more importantly, he doesn't even have any kids. Why he was at a PTA meeting in Quincy is beyond me. I honestly have no idea what this guy's motive is. That dude is a fucking creep."

Eyewitnesses at the event described Turkolio as being mild-mannered at first, yet agree that the underlying tension of his presence was enough to cause an air of discomfort throughout the entire room.

"Everything was going fine at first," said Jimmy "Ass Dog" Adams, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the great John Adams. "It was just an ordinary PTA meeting, nothing out of the ordinary. I was there, doing my usual thing, drinking free coffee and scoping out the lonely single mothers, then they opened up the floor for a little Q&A. That's when shit started getting nuts, right then and there. This Turkolio guy raises his hand, and I'm just staring at him, because there's something in his eyes that just ain't right. That's when I noticed how enormous his hands were. Seriously, his fingers were the size of marinated turkey tips, it was fucking insane."

Taking a quick "bathroom break," Adams returned to resume his story, this time noticeably more energetic than before. "So, for some reason, the lady who's hosting the meeting ends up picking somebody else for the first question," he continued. "So this Turkolio guy goes fucking ballistic. He starts throwing chairs around, smashing people's faces, and just acting like a fucking lunatic. Poor Janet Russo ended up taking a chalkboard to the dome. I can honestly say that that was the first time I literally saw somebody's face explode. Poor bitch didn't even see it coming. And the dude doesn't stop there, he just keeps taking people out. It was so calculated, almost meticulous. This wasn't the first time this guy went nuts, not by a long shot. He knew what he was doing. And he just keeps ranting and raving about shit that has nothing to do with him. He goes into his pocket and whips out a fucking list of demands, and just starts screaming at the top of his lungs. "I will not be ignored!" he keeps yelling. "I demand to be taken seriously." It was all pretty overwhelming. And the whole time, all I can do is just stare into those eyes. See, the thing about this Tom Turkolio guy---he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living. Until he bites ya, that is, and those black eyes roll over white and then---well then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. Either way, it was the most hilarious PTA meeting I've ever been to. That kid went to fucking Psycho Land. Seriously, I haven't seen anything that fucking insane since the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was that crazy."

Sol Shrewdman, the defense attorney best known for representing disgraced police officer Nico Haylen, immediately took the opportunity to defend his client. "My client is good people," he stated. "He's an ironworker. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a man who works with iron. It requires great strength, and often times, a kind and gentle heart. He can lift an entire bureau over his head without even breaking a sweat. But should he be punished for that? Of course not. Who cares about what happened at this so called PTA meeting? Certainly not me, that's for sure. What's important here are my client's intentions, which, as far as I can see, were as pure as Colombian cocaine. Has everybody here forgotten what a mulligan is? This calls for an immediate do-over, and nothing more. I'm asking everybody involved here to take your pencils, flip them over, and erase this moment in time from your memories. He's extremely sorry. What more is there to say?"

Turkolio will be arraigned this afternoon at the Quincy District Court. He will plead not guilty to mulitple counts of unnecessary rampage, inciting a riot, and resisting arrest.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Silly looking dude claims to have traveled back through time to warn Quincy about something, bottled unconscious outside Irish Pub

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

An absolutely ridiculous looking white male in his late teens was brutally beaten unconscious outside the Irish Pub in North Quincy late last night after onlookers described him as having agitated patrons with ramblings about time travel.

The unidentified teen, referred to by authorities who were arriving on the scene as “Kid Silly," is listed in critical condition at Quincy Medical Center, with multiple lacerations to the skull and at least one severely “blahsted eye."

According to security footage recorded by the pub's state-of-the-art “VHS hooked up to three Super Nintendos” system, the attack occurred at 12:36AM, but police were not called until approximately 1:15AM, as patrons of the bar simply wanted to wait until last call, with many being seen on camera smoking butts outside and taking pictures of the victim with outdated cell phones.

Sources who were at the pub were eager to talk to the Scallion about the incident. “Dude got mangled," revealed Dan Yabsky, a twenty-one year old from Billings Street who has been coming to the Irish Pub for “close to six years now.” Yabsky can be seen on the surveillance video calling friends and pointing to the unconscious victim, and then whistling obnoxiously at women for a half an hour.

Billy Cusack, 30, of Quincy Shore Drive, claims to have been outside when things went down. “Alright, so this silly looking dude shows up in an orange bubble jacket and silver pants. Right off the bat, I’m thinking Milton. Anyways, he walks up to the front door, all sweating and shit, and telling me I have to take him to the mayor’s office immediately. He’s, get this, from the future, and is trying to warn Quincy about something. I tell him he’s in luck because the mayor's at the bar drinking shots of Wild Turkey. Hah, I sent that fruity dude in there to mess with my boy Biff.”

Biff Tannen, a local instigator famous for duping the Salvation Army out of $25,000 in light bulbs back in 1998, was at the bar when the victim entered. Bartender Swish O'Connor recalls how it happened.

“Biff is furious 'cause he just lost, like, forty bones on Keno," remarked O'Connor. "And then this hilarious lookin’ goofbag comes up to him calling him 'mayor,' and telling him the city's in trouble. He’s going on and on about this shit, and finally, Biff’s like, ‘All right, buddy, tell me about this outside.’ They go out there to talk, and then, two secs later, you just hear the most brutal smash. Ah, nothing better than that---fuckin’ Milton kids.”

Cusack, while still waiting outside, maintains that the victim rambled on about something having to do with “jiggawatts” and “clock towers,” but Tannen, who took this to mean the outsider was “talking shit about his boy Jiggy,” became enraged. “He thought this dude called Jiggy a 'clock tower,' or something like that, so he bottled him and just punched his brain inside out.”

Tannen, smirking devilishly, maintains that “the dude should have went back to a time before they made extra thick Magners bottles.”

The victim was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center and pronounced “absolutely beaten to shit” by Dr. Desmond Shaw.

Authorities, however, declined to comment on another incident last night, which was rumored to have involved the clock tower in Quincy Center, stolen plutonium from Don’s Joke Shop, a silver Chevy Malibu, and the electrified corpse of the infamous recluse mad scientist, Dr. Radek Brownbowski, nor would they acknowledge the possibility of the two incidents being related.

Wollaston Theatre to reopen it's doors for one-time-only showing of Problem Child 2

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Wollaston Theatre, known for it's inability to assimilate into modern times, as well as it's notorious hatred for children, will be reopening it's doors for a one-time-only showing of the hit comedy, Problem Child 2.

The Wollaston Theatre, founded in 1853 by Herbert W. Quinzenheimer as a backup plan in the event that his interests in the California Gold Rush did not pay off, originally held nightly burlesque shows, allowing the men of Quincy to relieve themselves in a most objectionable manner.

Since then, the Wollaston Theatre saw many changes, later becoming a "speakeasy" during Prohibition era, a nylon donation center during World War II, a Dunkin' Donuts training center, and eventually a movie theatre.

"We're extremely happy to be reopening what was once known as the greatest movie theatre this section of Quincy has ever seen," commented Mayor Thomas Koch, a he began gearing up for the event with a can of Red Bull in each hand. "Even if it's just for one night, the experience alone will blow the minds of the registered voters of this city. And what better movie to show than Problem Child 2, the hilarious follow-up to the surprise hit that shocked the world? It's exactly like the first film, except this time, there's two children, making it twice as thrilling. John Ritter has always been a major inspiration to me, and, aside from his untimely death, I have always tried to follow in his footsteps to the best of my ability. My hairstyle, my good looks, my unrelenting charm---all of this---I learned it all from John. And Jack Warden's reprised role as Big Ben Healy has got to be one of the finest performances I have ever seen in a sequel, hands down."

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, the mayor continued on. "Each movie ticket purchase goes to an amazing cause," he added. "And, on top of that, each ticket will come with a voucher for one free Slush Puppy at Sabina's Market on Beale Street, which will include up to three shots of your favorite flavor. You can even mix-and-match them, it doesn't fucking matter. Just be careful to not go over three though, the guy will be watching you like a hawk. Foreign people can be very stingy sometimes."

The reopening of the Wollaston Theatre will take place this Saturday afternoon at 5:00PM. Tickets will be $5.00 for adults, $3.00 for senior citizens, and $20.00 for children under the age of 18. Tickets can be purchased directly through the mayor's office by calling 617-376-1375 and asking for Joe Schlopp. All movie ticket proceeds will go to the 2009 "Koch for Quincy" campaign.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Every homeless person on Broad Street disappears, entire city mystified

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

In this most shocking story, Father Bill's Place, the Broad Street homeless shelter best known for giving less fortunate Quincy "residents" a second, third, and fourth chance, has reported that every single individual under their care was unaccounted for as of 7:08AM this morning.

Local authorities are baffled by what could have caused what may be one of the largest homeless disappearances since KFC decided to give away two pieces of their "Kentucky Grilled Chicken" for free.

"We have no clues at this point as to where they could have gone," said Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to thwart what he mistook for a massive terror attack. "We've never seen Broad Street this empty. This is usually a very marketable area for the homeless, and they can be found scattered throughout the street, each with their own secret agenda, sometimes even having bum-sex in the little wooded area across from the Bryan VFW. At this point, we have been unable to locate a single homeless person, which is an eerie feeling, to say the least."

This disappearance is not the first that Father Bill's or Broad Street has seen in recent past. The purple Hyundai (or "37 Broad Street," as it came to be known), which was the makeshift home for two local vagrants for almost five years, vanished into thin air approximately two months ago.

The purple Hyundai in all it's glory, just before disappearing for good.

"That purple Hyundai had been there for years," remarked Jimmy Grabass, a periodic drug user who occasionally stays at Father Bill's. "Kenny and Chrissy made a beautiful home out of that little car, and it was a good spot to drill butts when it was raining out. And then, all of the sudden, it was gone one day. I haven't seen Kenny and Chrissy since. I heard a rumor that they were bouncing around from car to car at Flibotte's Auto Salvage over on the Quintree line. I sure hope they're doing okay though. Kenny and Chrissy were solid people. It was always fun to watch that little Hyundai rock back and forth while Kenny was givin' her the business, if you know what I'm saying. Homeless people have needs, too, y'know? Actually, now that I think about it, we have a lot of needs. More than most people, at least."

As usual, Mayor Koch wasted no time taking full credit for the incident. "Obviously these people didn't just wake up one day and decide to get jobs," he stated. "That's never going to happen. I'm a firm believer that the first step to ridding homelessness is to do away with the homeless themselves. Statistics have proven that the number one cause of homelessness is people who have no place to live. You have to look at the figures, you have to scrutinize the facts. Nobody likes dealing with a homeless person, they have nothing to add to the community but suffering and pain. It gets really annoying after a while, and it's only natural to want them to go away. Well, take a look, Quincy, they did go away. Don't ask questions, just embrace it. We are entering a new phase in this city, and it's a phase where modern day problems, such as homelessness, poverty, and hunger, are no longer directly in our faces, allowing us to finally pass it off as someone else's problem. Homeless people in Quincy, you ask---not in my backyard! That's one more problem solved, one more for the books. And it's all because of me. Who's moving Quincy forward now, Phelan?"

The mayor's press conference was then brought to a sudden, unexpected hault as the crowd's attention wandered off towards a homeless man standing just outside City Hall, relieving himself in the freshly trimmed bushes.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Quincy maggot infestation plagues Cape Cod

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the Cape Cod Police

Multiple accounts of downright craziness have plagued Cape Cod for the past three days, making residents of the normally peaceful boating community wonder if the well-known vacation hotspot has seen it's last day.

The first reports of wacky behavior came through to the Cape Cod Police Department on Saturday afternoon, when residents of the area complained about what was described as a "Mexican looking man, driving around and listening to Faith No More too loud," although authorities were contacted back almost immediately to be informed that it was "actually Mr. Bungle."

The very next day, police were called again, this time with complaints of a strange man wandering the beach, jumping onto the backs of elderly power walkers and assaulting them with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. He was described as "dangerous looking" and "extremely lanky," and was reported to have razor blades tattooed on each wrist.

"Cape Cod is on red fucking alert," said Officer Steve Lobsterman, a seasoned veteran of the notoriously behind-the-times police force. "We haven't had this much unspoken tension since that 15-foot great white shark ended up in the estuary back in the summer of 2004. In my opinion, this is much worse. At least with the shark, you could just stay out of the water. With these kids, they could be anywhere. People don't even wanna leave their house."

Then, on Monday afternoon, things took a turn for the worse when Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from the Quincy-Milton border, allegedly dressed up like the Craigslist Killer and began terrorizing girls in the street, apparently believing any girl in a two-piece swimsuit to be a prostitute. "It was horrible," said Sally Frappe, a substitute teacher from Beverly. "He picked up a piece of driftwood and just started chasing me through side streets, the whole time screaming things like, "I'm gonna get you, hooker!" and "You're not really a masseuse," it was insane. Nobody even did anything to help me, they just stood there and watched. He didn't even look like the Craigslist Killer. I've seen Philip Markoff on the news plenty of times, and I don't remember anything about him having a flawless pompadour."

Reports kept coming in through the night, as the mischievous residents of Quincy showed no signs of backing down. Most notably occurred on First Encounter Beach, when Meghan O'Brien-Manmohan-Singh, a vegetarian animal lover from South Quincy, purportedly killed an entire flock of seagulls with her excessive second-hand marijuana smoke, resulting in several outspoken animal rights activists to become so upset that they immediately went home to blog about it.

"I hate tourists," said Clif Hanger, a full-time custodian and aspiring musician from Dennis. "This happens every summer, some Quincy kids think it will be a great idea to come down here and act like a bunch of dickheads, and every single time, the people of the Cape freak the fuck out. It never changes. I hate Quincy kids---who doesn't, really---and they're everywhere right now. The only place where there aren't too many is in our local cemetery."

Monday, June 15, 2009

Blood for Blood to play benefit for those injured at last Blood for Blood benefit concert

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Infamous Boston hardcore group, Blood for Blood, has agreed to play a benefit show at the United First Parish Church in Quincy Center in order to help pay the medical costs for those injured at the last Blood for Blood benefit show, which took place at the Lincoln-Hancock gymnasium. The show will take place next Saturday and is expected to raise at least half of the reputed $200,000 in hospital bills amassed by the thirty people severely injured at their last show. Mayor Koch, the city's self-proclaimed “white Michael Keaton," has publicly stated that his office will match the cash raised by the benefit in an act of charity, and, more appropriately, to avoid lawsuits that are rumored to be building from the families of the victims.

"It was the only logical way we could see to raise the money we needed," said Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, recently promoted to manage the soon-to-be weekly "This is Quincy, Not LA" hardcore festival. "There were a lot of people hurt at that last show, but, with a little bit of luck, the money we raise at this next show will be enough to even things out a bit. Blood for Blood is a great band, and we would hate to have to stop booking them for shows like this. What would we do without Blood for Blood, book a Brando reunion show? Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound like a show that would bring in much money."

Those who were in attendance at the previous benefit expressed sympathy for the injured parties, but remained optimistic about the upcoming event. “Two Blood for Blood shows in a month, nice,” remarked Chris Sullivan, a local music lover who went on to add, "Dude, when they play 'Soulless,' I’m going to smash people’s fucking necks in half."

“I think what they're doing is great,” replied Mark Sarno, a Boston musician. “I know I personally windmilled some guy's face to pieces during that last show, and also snapped some asshole's leg in the bathroom when I heard them playing the mosh part from 'Raining Blood.' I heard they’re going to open with 'Hurt You' for this gig---I’m going to bring a sledgehammer, kid---a fuckin’ sledgehammer.”

Mike K., a strong silent type from Charlestown who will be at the benefit told reporters that the underwhelmed security of past Blood for Blood shows should not deter people from coming out to see the band. “Nah, don’t worry about that,” announced K whilst wearing a charming Ben Sherman polo, still stained with blood from the previous gig. "We got, like, three extra security guys we found at the Wellington train station---that should do it.”

The Mayor reiterated the fact that security would be more organized than previous Quincy benefits. “Look, there’s been problems---no doubt about it---but this time will be different. I know that some guy had his head slammed in a car door outside for thirteen straight minutes while Blood for Blood was tuning their guitars, so this time we advise people to park away from the building and not do that.” The Mayor then went on to state, “If they play 'Paper Gangster,' I’m going to straight up murder everyone with a lead pipe.”

But between all the tough guy talk and macho ignorance, the underlying purpose of the upcoming benefit show has Quincy residents hopeful, as it becomes increasingly clear that Quincy is a city that looks out for it's own. If all goes as planned, those who were injured at the last show will receive all the medical care they need at no out-of-pocket expense. Most in need of this medical attention is Jeff Brophy, a well-known socialite from Wollaston, who reportedly received a most vicious spin kick during the breakdown in "Piss All Over Your Hopes and Dreams," resulting in what was described as the "most retardedly disfigured face of all time."

Merrymount Park water fountain finally does stuff

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

After what was once described as a "ridiculously long wait," the Merrymount Park water fountain in Wollaston is finally doing what it was designed to do---make water continuously spurt in a vertical fashion.

"This is a great place to take the kids," commented Chucky Blendano, a pill-popping single dad from Wollaston Center, and self-proclaimed number one fan of the Leprechaun film franchise. "I just love water fountains. I could sit here and watch water squirt upwards all day long, it's that fucking exciting. And there's nothing I love more than to just launch all my hard earned money into the water and make fleeting wishes for a better life, it's absolutely thrilling. I'm gonna fill this thing with pennies, you just watch. And who knows, maybe an animal will drink the water someday and end up dying a slow and painful death from copper poisoning. The possibilities are endless. I haven't been this excited since Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood came out."

Other residents of the neighborhood were equally as excited. Some families played frisbee by the water fountain, while others just stood in awe, each of them wondering what makes the water go up. "This is nothing short of amazing," said Christina Behr-Spille, an Adams Shore girl known for her low requirements for getting to "third base" on the first date. "I'm gonna spend my entire summer here. I'll figure out how this thing works if it fucking kills me. I can't wait to be here with some nameless, shitfaced Quincy kid as he's all out ideas and he drunkenly resorts to kneeding my crotch like a pile of dough. That shit never gets old."

But among the amazed and confused spectators, not all were equally impressed. "It's just a water fountain," said Matty Hammers, a top-notch scientist from Allston, known for his ability to turn any situation into an excuse to buy a round of whiskey shots. "It's a series of hoses and tubes, that's it. These Quincy kids act like they've never seen a water fountain before. There's some serious lack of intelligence going on in this city, and it's starting to depress me, to be honest. Isn't this the same park where they put the statue of the three World War II troops the wrong way, and now, when you're driving by it on Southern Artery, all you see is three asses? Who does that? How does something like that even happen? I'll tell you this much, if there's one thing in this whole situation that's guaranteed, it's that this water fountain will be completely filled with cigarette butts within a week. But, either way, this is still a time for celebration, and, if anyone wants to join me at the Hancock Tavern, shots are on me. I hear they have an outdoor deck now."

Friday, June 12, 2009

Socialist fucks threaten to infiltrate Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Dora Lalaney

In this developing story, Dora Lalaney, a part-time nanny with over a thousand hours confirmed spent at "The Rock" in Squantum, has brought to our attention the possibility of a socialist infiltration in Quincy.

The public meeting, which is to be held on Monday, June 15th, will take place at the Thomas Crane Public Library, and is rumored to consist of nothing more than vague ideas and intense brainwashing, all resulting in a well blended mix of laughter and the overall sensation of wasting your time.

"I didn't even know what to think," said Lalaney, as she instinctively burped another woman's baby. "I mean, I'm not too crazy into politics, but I know that socialism doesn't work. I don't think Quincy kids are gonna be too receptive to this, to be honest. I can't really say I am either. The thing that bothered me the most was the fact that they're gonna offer free child care during the meeting. It's shit like that puts nannies like me out of business, so, right off the bat, it's already fucking me where it hurts---my pocket book. They're off to a bad start, that's for sure. Seriously though, if this article makes the Scally, you should really tell the people that all they have to do is click the pictures to enlarge them. I know it sounds stupid, but there's actually been a few people that haven't realized that. A lot of the pictures on the website could be so much larger if people just clicked on them."

As to the upcoming event, the Quincy Scallion urges all those attending to beware of false promises and stupid ideas, although still believes in every resident's right to obtain more information. We are so confident, in fact, that we are actually urging every single resident to go and see for themselves what an absolute catastrophe socialism in Quincy would be. Seriously, think about it for a while---nothing would get done---there would be no incentive to try. Quincy is a city that thrives off of the fact that each person, street, neighborhood, section, and zip code believes that it is better than the others. We live to outdo each other, and, when we do, we love nothing more than to shove it into the faces of those who lost. If you take that away from Quincy, you might as well take away everything, because this city was built on competition, and that is why Quincy is the greatest place in the world.

Notorious late-night Facebook "poker" raises eyebrows, creeps out every girl in Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

An infamous user of the popular Facebook internet social networking website has created a stir of controversy in Quincy lately with his ruthless after-hours “poking” of other users.

It all started last weekend when Jimmy Babble, a gas station attendant from Hough's Neck, reportedly "poked" over a hundred Quincy girls in a one hour period, just after getting home from a night of J├Ągerbombs at the Hofbrau, making it the largest mass-poking Quincy has seen since the last time Neal Diamondz drank Red Bull and vodka.

I don't even know the kid that well," commented Lauren Quinnakid, a lifelong Burger King employee from Wollaston Hill. "He sent me a friend request a while back because he fingered some girl I knew in the Murphy's bathroom one night and then made me give him a ride home. Other than that, I don't know the kid from a fucking hole in the wall. Either way, there's really no reason why I should have to deal with signing onto Facebook this morning to find out that he poked me twenty-three times at the ass-crack of dawn."

Trish “The Dish” Delaney, a seventeen-year-old single mother from Germantown, was also visibly shaken by Babble’s online antics. “I logged onto Facebook last night to create a profile for my baby boy who’s due next month. I’ma name him Eminem Marshall Delaney, right? But I log in and this creep has poked me fourteen times in one night. What the heck, right? Dude is mad sketchy, but I can tell by his shades he might have a few bucks, so I poked him back. You never know, baby’s gotta eat, right?”

Other complaints continued to pour in throughout the day, giving the hardworking moderators of Facebook a run for their money. And after all front doors were locked, and all blinds drawn, there was nothing left for the female population of Quincy to do but wait.

"It's a scary world we live in," remarked Desiree Anthony, a die-hard Deadwood fan from Quincy Point. "You get these kids who are too shy to ever say anything to you in person, and then, before you know it, they're poking you on Facebook while you sleep. On behalf of every girl in Quincy, I feel pretty creeped out. It's good to know that people can't even sleep without getting violated online. I'll probably start using MySpace a little more now, to say the least. Dudes are disgusting"

While local police are powerless to stop Babble from accessing the internet due to his bizarre ability to always find free wi-fi hotspots, the social networking site's founder and CEO, Safo Face, has issued a statement that his account has been deactivated, and he will no longer be able to participate in their service. “What’s up now, dude?” stated Mr. Face after minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Although this drastic measure has spelled relief for most of the female populace, others were disheartened to learn that the poking has not ceased. Literally minutes after his account was deactivated, Babble was spotted creeping around in the shadows of Bad Abbots Irish Pub in Quincy Center, poking girls in the back with a piece of wood he acquired in the parking lot. Unfortunately, no further charges could be brought against him as this was considered perfectly normal behavior by the jaded bar staff.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

OxyContin awarded "Official Drug of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

After only ten minutes of deliberation, OxyContin was awarded the "Official Drug of Quincy" at the first ever Quincy Drug Awards, receiving a sixteen minute standing ovation that was said to have been "more intense than a fucking Hitler speech."

The Quincy Drug Awards, which were being held to celebrate the mayor's highly criticized "If You Cant' Beat 'Em, Join 'Em" campaign, took place at the George F. Bryan VFW on Broad Street this afternoon. The award ceremony, which consisted of approximately ten fold-up tables, strategically placed to avoid the well-known water leaks of the establishment, catered to hundreds of spectators, separated into thirteen groups, each representing the different sections of the city.

Tommy Shanasty, a Level 1 Sex Offender who represented Germantown's interests in the event, could not have been more pleased. "Our main worry here was that people were gonna go with weed. It seemed like the obvious choice. People never wanna come right out and admit how many OCs they take a day, but, the way I look at it, if you know everybody's on them, what's there to be ashamed about? I think OxyContin is a misunderstood drug, and it needs to be reevaluated. To tell you the truth, OxyContins have gotten me and my friends through some really hard times."

As to whether, or not, these hard times had actually derived from taking OxyContin, Shanasty was unable to respond, as he nodded out in the middle of the interview and was eventually taken out of the VFW by stretcher.

Though all seemed to fare well with the landslide victory for OxyContin, there was trouble in paradise, as representatives of Squantum made their opinions on the matter quite vocal. "This is outlandish," shrieked Jacia Hearn, a fan favorite at Paddy Barry's "open mic night," known for his ability to elevate to madness at the drop of a dime. "Everybody knows that acid is the best drug out there, especially when you mix it up with some shrooms. Toss in a couple blasts of nitrous, you got yourself a great night. And don't even get me started on coke, kid. That shit has been known to make me lose my fucking mind."

The ceremony then came to an abrupt close as a West Quincy kid apparently caught his two-timing girlfriend giving "the eye" to a socially prominent Montclair kid, resulting in the most insane domestic dispute Quincy has ever seen.

Authorities demand to know which Quincy kid used a fucking white lighter

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities are looking for a man in his mid-twenties who has been said to have been carrying a white Bic lighter, going against the unspoken code of ethics that binds all Quincy residents.

The "Curse of the White Lighter," which has plagued this city with much unneeded fear and countless tragedies over the years, can be traced back nearly thirty-five years, when Joe "Quincy Face" McClusky purchased a white lighter from behind the bar at The Sag in North Quincy. According to local folklore, McClusky awoke the following morning to find himself at the Ritz Motel, handcuffed to a dead hooker.

"Joe McClusky is the first documented case of the curse," said Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor, and author of You're Fuckin' Done, Kid: Curse of the White Lighter. "And the worst part is, they never did find the key to those handcuffs. He had to carry that dead hooker around with him for the rest of his life. It was as if he was suffering for the sins of everyone in Quincy, and the dead hooker was his cross to bear. And, after a while, he began to feel love for that hooker. But he was so far gone by then that nobody ever saw him much."

Since then, countless documented events relating to white lighters have formed the perfect pattern to describe a full blown curse. Most recently, an unnamed man was spotted using a white Bic lighter at a barbecue in North Quincy, resulting in one of the largest mustard mishaps ever recorded.

"That guy was a dick," screamed Moranzo Llamas, a day laborer from Quincy, known for his unrelenting thirst for a good time. "I look over at him at this party, and I can see that he's using a white Bic. Everybody in Quincy knows that you can't use a white lighter, it's the longest running curse in the city. And he wasn't just lighting a cigarette, either, he was just flicking it, over and over agan, it was pointless. The next thing I know, the guy walks by me and trips, knocking my hot dog off my plate and onto my favorite shirt. It's this awesome button-up shirt I got that has a bunch of marlins on it, and now I'm gonna have to figure out how to clean an eight inch mustard stain. That dude can eat my fucking ass. He broke the rules."

No further information is known about this mysterious man, as no partygoer would publicly admit to knowing him. Until his whereabouts and intentions are known, authorities have asked all residents to remain calm, and have pleaded with local businesses to stop selling these godforsaken lighters.