Thursday, April 30, 2009

Quincy Center's billion dollar renewal project shows plans for more trees, less T-rats

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy's billion dollar renewal project has just entered the Phase 3 stage, and can currently be seen in development on Mayor McGrath Highway. "It's a major step for the city's economic base," stated Mayor Thomas Koch, just before evading questions on the possible traffic inconveniences to come.

As seen in the photo above, the city plans on completely redesigning the portion of Hancock Street that passes by City Hall. This area will be accessible only to pedestrians on foot, as it will do away with the entire rotary that circles around the Church of the Presidents.

Phase 1 of the project was an extensive remodeling of the mayor's office, which included the installation of a Nintendo Wii system, as well as a Bose surround sound speaker system, reportedly so loud it can be heard all the way from the Fat Cat.

It was the mayor's love of video games that spawned Phase 2 of the development, coined by those involved as the Quincy Center Concourse, which involved designing a computerized image of what Quincy Center will look like when the project has finally reached its completion.

"It sorta looks like they're designing it after the city in Grand Theft Auto 2," commented one city resident. "It looks like there's gonna be a lot of trees in that area, which is kinda cool, if you like that type of shit. I don't see any T-rats hanging out at the train station either. That one's a little hard to believe, but if they can pull it off, I'm all for it. Those kids are pretty disgusting people."

Plans for a new hotel, however, seem to be up in the air, as a question mark can be spotted in its location on the image above. Other rumors as to what will be erected in this location include a miniature golf course, a ChapStick factory, a Vietnamese nail salon, or an extremely large Irish pub.

"I'd much rather the Irish pub," said Stina Bellcamp, a local veterinarian. "We've always had a serious lack of them around these parts. And seriously, who would ever want to vacation in Quincy Center?"

As for how fast, or how closely to the proposed budget, this development will unfold, only time will tell. Until then, the city advises all residents to remain paying their taxes on time, or even earlier, if possible.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

New York City expresses risk of running out of medical supplies, causing entire country to look like gigantic pussies

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Recent reports are showing that pharmacies in the New York City area are all showing medical supplies, such as surgical face masks and hand sanitizers, to be out-of-stock. Some suppliers have stated that these items had been bought up as early as Monday morning, all due to the notoriously nervous city's rising fear of the recent emergence of Swine Flu.

"It's no surprise," said one doctor. "We have a lot of bleeding heart liberals out here, and they're not exactly known for toughing things out like they should. And don't even get me started on those Jews. Those people get nervous over practically anything. They're very anxious people."

It all started a few days ago when news sources began reporting multiple cases of Swine Flu throughout the country. From Texas, to California, to New York, more cases began to pop up. Not long after, pedestrians in New York City could be seen walking through the streets wearing protective face masks. Hours later, almost all preventative medical supplies were listed as out-of-stock, causing people to panic even further, some of them resorting to wearing white sheets over their heads, leading to misinterpretations the Quincy Scallion feels no need to further explain.

"New York City fucking sucks," said Jimmy Flynn, a well-to-do show promoter from Allston, Mass. "These people should be ashamed of themselves. It's one thing to take the necessary precautions and wash your hands, or even get checked out by your doctor, but to walk around the city with a face mask on is just ridiculous. Some countries base their entire impression of America on news they get out of New York City, and it's not really fair to people like me, who aren't wearing face masks. I'd rather get the Swine Flu and die than look like a pussy. Fuck New York."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Quincy praises Obama administration for good weather on warmest day of the year

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was a beautiful day out there in Quincy, Mass., and everywhere you went, there were people enjoying it as much as they could. From the elementary school kids heading to the playground on their half-day, to the heroin addicts in the West Quincy 7-Eleven parking lot, people were outside, soaking up sun-rays and having fun, with smiles the size of watermelon slices.

"The weather just doesn't get any better than this," said Jeff Archaic, a horror movie enthusiast from North Quincy. "I've never seen it this nice out so early in the year. All I know is, when George W. Bush was in office, it was April showers. Now that we have Obama around, it's sunny times. I just can't believe how fucking awesome it is outside. It's amazing how much difference one man can make."

President Obama (above) spent the morning swimming and surfing in Squantum's Orchard Beach, before meeting with Mayor Thomas Koch to discuss plans for possibly installing Sirius radio in the mayor's taxpayer-funded Hummer H1.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Multiple cases of Swine Flu reported in Quincy, all turning out to be normal hangovers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reports of a Swine Flu breakout in Quincy, Mass. have caused a great deal of panic among the locals, although it appears that all cases have been determined to be related to hangovers from this past weekend.

"I felt like crap when I woke up," said Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from the Quincy-Milton border. "I was dehydrated, my head hurt, and I totally didn't feel like going to work. Then I heard about the Swine Flu, and that's when I started to panic."

Quincy Medical Center, as well as private practices, were swarmed with telephone calls from nervous citizens, all describing similar symptoms. Upon further inspection of these patients, combined with a joint effort to properly communicate between departments and offices in the Quincy area, doctors were able to diagnose all reported cases as normal veisalgia, or, in other words, a hangover.

For the most factual and up-to-date information on Swine Flu: Wikipedia

Friday, April 24, 2009

Grumpy White's voted Quincy's Best "Plan B" Restaurant for eleventh year in a row

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

For the eleventh year in a row, Grumpy White's has won Quincy's prestigious Best "Plan B" Restaurant Award, resulting in major disappointment from restaurants who were once thought to be a shoe-in to take the crown, such as the Goal Post, the Irish Pub, and Wendy's. But the statistics are in, and the facts don't lie; more people go to Grumpy White's than they do any other restaurant in Quincy, although statistics also show that it is almost never their first choice.

"The food isn't bad," commented one diner, as she attempted to stir some life back into her mediocre stew. "Don't get me wrong, I'd always rather go to a better restaurant, like the Fat Cat, or even the Fours. But sometimes those places just have too long of a wait, and I have to settle for something like this."

"I've been coming here for twenty-five years," remarked Val Vickson, 23, of Germantown. "And I've never had a bad meal. Then again, I've never had a really amazing meal either. So, yeah, I guess I can see it."

So what is it about Grumpy White's that makes it most people's "plan b" restaurant? Some say it's the pleasant, sexually arousing wait staff, or even the diverse beer selection, which includes over three domestics, as well as exotic beers, such as Samuel Adams Boston Lager. Others say it's the aesthetically pleasing cranberry-colored seating booths, reminiscent of the interior trim of a 1985 Buick Riviera. But those who don't like surprises say it's most likely the fact that their vegetable of the day hasn't changed from corn since the last United States Army draft.

Quincy Quarries suffers steady decline in jumpers since being filled, report says

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent report has shown a steady decline in the amount of jumpers at the Quincy Quarries since being filled in the late nineties. The report was conducted by a six-person team of public officials, hand selected by Mayor Thomas Koch, using city funds that would have had to have been put into the following year's budget, if unused. "After conducting the necessary tests," Mayor Koch explained in his City Hall rooftop speech. "We have determined that there has been a sufficient decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries, which we have found to be directly linked to the fact that it is now filled. A lot of the city's dirty laundry was buried when they filled that quarry, namely a bunch of dead prostitutes, but it's good to know that some good came out of it, too." As usual, Mayor Koch declined to answer any of the Quincy Scallion's thought-provoking questions.

Since elected, Mayor Koch has refused to go on record with the Quincy Scallion on any issues regarding the city, nor has he made any attempt to grow to the height of a respectable man.

City of Quincy graph showing the steady decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries
Notice the immediate drop in the amount of jumpers once the quarry was filled with hookers

Bruins sign free agent deals with Spanky and Jimmy Flynn, hilarity ensues

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just after advancing into the second round of the playoffs for the first time in ten years, the Boston Bruins have made a bold move, signing free agent contracts to Quincy locals, Spanky and Jimmy Flynn. It was as unexpected as it was celebrated among fans, as it became increasingly clear that the Bruins would not only never lose a fight again, but have absolutely no problem getting their friends' hardcore bands booked at the Cambridge Elks Lodge.

Spanky and Jimmy joined the Bruins on the bench for the first time two nights ago, refusing to wear the standard issue uniforms they were provided. "I'm a Quincy kid," Spanky explained. "And when I go on that ice, I wanna look like a Quincy kid. Their uniforms are ridiculous. They have no pockets. I need a place to keep my butts. If they don't like it, they can pay me to sit on a fucking bench for the season. Doesn't matter to me. I just wanna take people, smash their fucking faces in, and get paid."

Jimmy Flynn had a more thankful outlook on the situation. "I'm just glad to be playing in Boston," he said. "I've been a Bruins fan for years. It'll be good to be able to play on the same ice as some of the greats. Boston is known for some really amazing and influential players, from Bobby Orr, to Ray Bourque, to Cam Neely, Adam Oates, and even Anson Carter. Just being in the same stadium that bands like Slapshot, Blood for Blood, and Brawlpark have played is an amazing feeling, and I'm looking forward to getting out there and learning how to play."

Spanky and Jimmy are expected to be a starting center and defenseman in the upcoming season, and have already completed a good portion of one practice. It was during this practice that Spanky was ejected on multiple grounds of checking, roughing, and bottling, which, until now, had never occurred before in the game of hockey. "It was insane," one Bruin commented. "This Spanky kid was skating around, picking a fight with anybody that even looked at him weird. And I'm talking about his own team members. We're trying to get psyched up for the second round of the playoffs, and this kid's breaking bottles off peoples' heads and spitting on them. And this Jimmy kid's no better. From what I could see, the kid just sat on the bench the whole practice, drinking Crystal Clear Pepsi and making B.U.M. Equipment jokes." There is no word yet on if the B.U.M. Equipment jokes were funny, or not.

Whether the decision to take on Spanky and Jimmy will be beneficial to the Bruins, only time will tell. But, until then, we can at least know that, whatever happens, it's going to be exciting stuff. If you ask me, I think it will be new and different, and definitely something worth trying. It will be old time hockey.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Megan McAllister declares herself single again, puts engagement ring up for sale on Craigslist

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a very ironic turn of events, Megan McAllister, former fiancée of the Craigslist Killer, has announced that she is now a single woman, and has decided to sell her engagement ring on the popular San Francisco based networking site, Craigslist.

Toodies Fine Jewelry in Quincy has already guaranteed a quality ring for her next engagement, however, remained silent in regards to whether, or not, they could guarantee her next fiancé wouldn't murder anyone.

She is also in the midst of signing a deal with the Fox Broadcasting Company, who will tell the story of Philip Markoff in the upcoming made-for-television drama, Honey, I Killed the Masseuse, which they will produce, using a controversial new "go green" filming method, utilizing the energy generated from his electric chair to supply the necessary power needed for the movie's thrilling special effects.

Vandal defaces Wollaston's Uncle Sam billboard in hilarious act of rebellion

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities are still looking for the culprit who spray painted on Uncle Sam Rounseville's billboard on the corner of Beale Street and Newport Avenue. The incident occured approximately two weeks ago, and has nearly divided Quincy into two groups; those who are too uptight to find the humor in it, and those who think it's absolutely fucking hilarious. The sign, as many Quincy residents already know, originally said "Bet on U.S." The vandal utilized this pre-existing text and spray painted, "And lose all of your chips," underneath it, making it the first time the sign has ever actually made anyone laugh.

Uncle Sam Rounseville has offered a $500 reward for anyone who has information leading to the person responsible for the graffiti, although there are no new leads in the case at this time. When asked about the case, the Quincy Police Department declined to comment, although it is presumed that they would have said something along the lines of, "we always get our man." It is believed that the media swarm surrounding the Craigslist Killer may have temporarily put the case on the backburner, where it may remain for quite some time.

Bob's Sign Repair offered to repair the sign at a discounted rate, however, Uncle Sam stated that he preferred to have the vandal paint it instead. Possible ties between the vandal and Bob's Sign Repair, which has been hit very hard by the current recession, are being looked into, as well.

Uncle Sam Rounseville is a real estate broker who had his first name legally changed to Uncle Sam back in the early nineties. He has owned the billboard for the past thirteen years, and has forced the entire city of Quincy to look at his face for the majority of it. Where the original Howard Johnson's once stood, we can now count on an ever-changing billboard with Uncle Sam's face, accompanied by witty, patriotic, post-9/11 one-liners, each one worse than the last.

Anybody with information leading to the capture of the unknown vandal is strongly urged by the Quincy Scallion to remain quiet and keep their mouth shut.

Mosquito control in Quincy causes mass hysteria among homeless at local shelter

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Recent sightings of a helicopter flying through the Broad Street area of Quincy has caused mass hysteria among the locals, especially within the homeless community at Father Bill's Place. Reports on the City of Quincy's homepage have stated that these helicopters, which are part of the Norfolk County Mosquito Control Project, will be flying at "tree top level", until April 24th, applying larvicide chemicals to the area around Broad Meadows Marsh. "Extensive testing," the report follows. "Shows that microbial larvicides do not pose risks to wildlife, non-target species, or the environment, when used according to label directions." As to whether, or not, the city plans on using these microbial larvicides according to label directions, it does not say. I, of course, have my suspicions.

Reactions to the helicopter's presence ranged from confusion to absolute panic. Those who knew why the helicopter was there, debated its purpose, stating that the forceful removal of mosquitos was unnatural and unnecessary. "Once Mayor Koch removes these homeless people," said Brian Prefontaine, 23, of Adams Shore. "Those mosquitos are gonna naturally fly south for the summer, right?" Those who knew nothing about it appeared to be completely bewildered by the situation, some of them coming up with ideas and theories of their own. "I had no idea why it was flying so low," said Jeff, 48, a local homeless man who has lived at Father Bill's Place for the past two years. "I thought it was gonna end up getting caught up in a power line, like in the end of Die Hard With a Vengeance. I honestly didn't know why it was there though. At first I thought it was the news, or something like that, but then I saw how it had big containers on the side of it. That's when everybody started freaking out. In all my years on the street, it was probably one of the craziest things I've ever seen. And I've gone down on dudes for crack." Previous reports on Father Bill's Place have disclosed the fact that at least one male resident washes his testicles in the bathroom sink, in front of the other residents. No link between this and the Norfolk County Mosquito Control Project has been brought to the attention of the media, although the possibility of a link is there.

Other theories included the possibility of deadly toxins being dispersed into the air. "Something about what they're doing isn't safe," said Dan Lafonte, 34, a service advisor at a nearby car dealership. "Every single one of those dudes at Father Bill's Place completely lost control of their bodily functions as soon as that helicopter started spraying. Even if only half of them did, I would have just assumed that it was a normal day. But when everybody loses control of their bodily functions, you know something's not right. They're putting something in the air that shouldn't be there, and they're acting like it's no big deal."

The PDF file made available by the city states that the EPA claims microbial larvicides are "virtually non-toxic to humans," however, those without access to programs, such as Adobe Acrobat Reader, were left to make their own determinations.

Download: Mosquito Control in Quincy (PDF File)

Local girl panics after hearing about Great Pacific Garbage Patch, all others remain ambivalent

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local girl recently professed to her boyfriend a brief moment of concern about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, located in the Pacific Ocean, between America's west coast and Japan. This pile of oceanic dumpings has been known to separate underwater, resembling something Wikipedia refers to as "zooplankton", which can be accidentally consumed by jellyfish, marine birds, and sea turtles, mistaking it as food. It has also been known to drift underwater and onto the shores of once beautiful beaches, causing them to resemble Wollaston Beach, circa 1987. To this day, no one is sure how much trash lies beneath the surface of the water. Some say it could be hundreds of gallons, some say even more. It was after learning this information that the Quincy Scallion realized the high level of intensity surrounding this breaking news. "I heard about it on Oprah," commented the troubled girl, who wished to remain anonymous. She declined to comment any further on the situation.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Elderly woman with zany license plate crashes car into George Camia's house, no one injured, hundreds amused

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Only forty-five minutes after police received a phone call involving a hit-and-run, the same car ended up crashing through a garage in Wollaston, inevitably resulting in firefighters responding to free the woman from the vehicle.

The woman's name was not released to the public, however, a user on the Patriot Ledger message board described her as possibly having "very low blood sugar."

Deputy Fire Chief Gary Smyth said that the woman was conscious and showed no obvious signs of trauma. No word yet as to whether, or not, she realizes how stupid an event like this appears to the public eye.

"Looks like the pool is fucked," said neighbor, Steve Wilson, a habitually misinformed liar. Steve Wilson was last interviewed after the 9/11 tragedy, stating, "the French are trying to take back the Statue of Liberty."

It all started around 1:21pm on April 7th, when police received a call involving a hit-and-run accident involving a blue vehicle with the personalized license plate, DRFOOT. It was at this point that the presumed podiatrist kept driving until she crashed into a garage belonging to George Camia, a struggling musician known for his work with the Ramblin' Souls and Shot Dead.

"I'm hurt and confused," explained George Camia. "Especially after all the looting of my garage that went on that night. I was holding onto DJ Silent Partner's bass amp, and the night after the crash, someone climbed in there and stole the bass head, but apparently couldn't get the speakers up and over the rubble. We tried boarding the place up, but that didn't stop the maggots from wiggling in there again and trying to take the speakers on the second night. I think that it's really weird how she hit someone forty-five minutes before, came all the way down Beach Street, drove down my neighbor's driveway, hit my neighbor's house, and then came through a fence and across a yard with enough force to smash a gaping hole into the side of my garage. The whole experience has been very overwhelming."

"Her insurance company sent me a letter," he explained further. "They said they can't be held liable because of a medical condition she has. How can she not be held liable? All she had to do was stop the car after the first accident. She obviously had plenty of chances to pull over to the side of the road and put her blinkers on, or even get out of the car and ask for help. But instead, she kept on driving three hundred yards, or so, down the road, and into my garage. I mean, seriously, cut the crap."

In an entirely unrelated note, it was at this point that Mr. Camia went on to explain how he doesn't even consider Cut the Crap to be a true Clash album, as Mick Jones had already left the band before it was made.

"Low blood pressure can be a dangerous thing," he went on. "And that makes diabetics that don't have enough sense to pull over, especially when they're feeling lightheaded and dizzy, very dangerous people."

No further information in regards to the first accident has been made available.

Philip Markoff charged with seventeen counts of being a really bad fiancé

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Philip Markoff, 22, of West Quincy, Mass., was known by his Boston University contemporaries as "a quiet man" and "a good kid". But little did they know about the madness that lingered just beneath the surface. For days, he had been sneaking behind his fiancé's back, robbing and stealing from members of the local Prostitution Union. It was these actions, as well as a series of well placed mishaps, that led to the murder of "aspiring masseuse", Julissa Brisman, causing local police and the general public to dub him as the "Craigslist Killer".

Prior to living in West Quincy, Philip Markoff was a normal, everyday citizen, the son of a dentist, living in upstate New York, with no criminal record. He was engaged to his college sweetheart, ready to start a new and exciting phase in his life. A phase which may have actually happened if he hadn't gone absolutely insane. It has been said that living in Quincy drove him into a state of madness, where money was there for the taking, and prostitutes served no purpose other than unleashing his unrelenting fury upon. "I can't fucking believe it," one man said, outside Markoff's Highpoint apartment community. "He seemed so normal, so clean-cut." But stories of gambling debts and possible drug addiction have plagued the news for the past day, as it seems Philip Markoff may not have been so perfect after all.

Markoff's arraignment was held on Tuesday, April 21st, at the Boston Municipal Court. He is to be tried for multiple counts of kidnapping, robbery, being a really bad fiancé, and one count of murder. Mixed reactions are still abound in regards to Markoff's controversial decision to enter the courtroom to the hit Scorpions song, "Rock You Like a Hurricane". "It was either that or Bon Jovi's 'Wanted Dead or Alive'," the defense stated. There is no word yet as to why entrance music was needed in the first place, or as to why there were only two songs to choose from. "We plan to take this to trial, and expect nothing less than a full acquittal," the defense added. "Murdering prostitutes is a completely normal way for young men to relieve tension these days, and it's views like these that we plan on taking to court, and using to convince a jury to let this very ordinary looking man go back home to his fiancé. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody deserves a second chance."

Markoff is being held without bail in an undisclosed warehouse, most likely in the long-since-forgotten town of Dighton. He will await trial, which is scheduled for one hundred and fourteen days from now, in a guarded cell. "We have blocked Craigslist from being viewed on the laptop computer in his cell," said Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis. "We do not expect that the suspect will know about, or attempt to use, any other social networking site, or attempt to communicate with anyone via the internet. We have blocked Google, Ask Jeeves, and Yahoo!, as well as most instant messaging programs, such as Windows Messenger and AIM. The suspect will have absolutely no way of contacting the outside world, aside from the appropriate visiting hours that have been provided to him."

But trouble seems to be on the horizon, as nine out of the twelve jurors have openly stated to the press that they are still unsure as to whether they are trying Philip Markoff or Bernie Madoff. "The last names are just so similar," commented one juror. "It's all a bit confusing to me." In a possibly related event, Bernie & Phyl's warehouse was burned down in a misguided act of mob rage. Until further information is available, stay tuned as this developing story unfolds.


  • When meeting someone from Craigslist, always make sure to schedule the meeting in a public place, such as a coffee shop, a food court, or Tully's Cafe on Cottage Ave.
  • Always tell a friend or family member where you are going, and what time you expect to be back. This will ensure that somebody at least notices that you are missing.
  • Never underestimate who you are dealing with, and assume that their intentions are not only creepy, but highly impure. The internet is a scary place, and the people that use it are even scarier. There are people out there that would like nothing more than to hack you up into little pieces and walk around wearing your face. It's fucking insane.
  • Make sure you are armed to the teeth, and that all backup ammunition is easily accessible at all times. It's better to have too much ammunition and not need it than it is to need it and not have it. This is a general rule of thumb, but it especially applies in these types of situations, as it very well could save your life.
  • If you begin to feel uncomfortable, strike your opponent directly in the nose, using a fast, upward swing. This will cause his, or her, eyes to fill up with tears, giving you the necessary time to escape to a point of safety and call the authorities.