Friday, May 28, 2010

Dairy Freeze sign predicts yet another celebrity death, this time more vaguely than before

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Gary Coleman died earlier this afternoon, due to an intracranial hemorrhage, making yet another Dairy Freeze celebrity death prediction come true.

Dairy Freeze, who has served the Quincy community delicious ice cream and fried foods for hundreds of years, is also known for it's cryptic forecasts of death.

Just last year, in fact, Dairy Freeze foretold the exact date of death for pitchman Billy Mays. Prior to that, the popular ice cream stand had precisely predicted the deaths of actress Farrah Fawcett and singer-songwriter Michael Jackson.

According to neighborhood residents, Dairy Freeze has eluded to Coleman's death multiple times since the 1978 pilot episode of NBC's Diff'rent Strokes.

"How could they have known?" one resident asked. "It's so eerie."

But as the questions accumulate, the answers appear to be far from reach, as representatives of Dairy Freeze have so far refused to make any official comment.

As to what fuels Dairy Freeze's secret power, the world may never know.

City workers up to same old fucking tricks, devise plan for free prescription meds

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

City workers are up to their usual antics again, this time asking that residents drop off their household hazardous waste and unused prescription medication.

But what may appear as a helpful city service to some is nothing more than a shameless attempt for city workers to rifle through the pill collections of unsuspecting residents, setting aside the valuable painkillers for themselves.

City workers, who are known for their incessant opiate addictions, have long since been involved in the high stake
s world of backroom pill popping, often partaking in the use of Percocet, Codeine, Vicodin, OxyContin, Dilaudid, Hydromorphone, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Morphine, and Methadone.

"There's no way all those pills are gonna be disposed of," said city worker Vance McGuard. "Those DPW boys will tear through those things like vultures."

Vance McGuard asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

Each year, approximately 6-8 million prescription pills are dropped off to local DPW yards in the United States, about 3-4 million of which are never accounted for. At this time, there is no central data reporting agency for DPW prescription medication drop-offs, so these numbers are estimates.

"There's a lot of things going on these days," McGuard added, as he carefully washed the time release coating off his 80mg OxyContin. "A lot of things indeed."

For more information on pill addiction, look at a city worker's face.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.

Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Quincy Center sandwich salesman’s license revoked over alleged deli meat scam

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy Center salesman’s commercial food license has been revoked indefinitely after allegations of a scam involving forged documents was brought to light.

Val Vickson, 29, of Farrington Street, appeared before Judge Heathcliff Dagwood in the frozen food section of Super Stop & Shop, as the Quincy District Courthouse is currently being fumigated after several complaints of flying scorpions.

Vickson, shivering violently in his sleeveless "Big Johnson Bar & Casino" shirt, pleaded not guilty to forging signs for his sandwich shop, which indicated that he exclusively used Boar’s Head quality deli meats.

The signs were discovered to be forgeries when a customer noticed the company's name misspelled as “Boarz Hed,” along with the horrifying similarities between Vickson’s sandwiches and Lunchables brand snacks.

Vickson was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hough's Neck bus loses windshield wipers, brake lights mid-route, area mechanics baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The MBTA's 216 bus lost its windshield wipers and brake lights during a routine trip to Hough's Neck this morning, causing temporary holdups on Sea Street.

The bus, which had just passed a standard safety inspection less than a month ago, was said to have experienced the electrical failure as it headed east, past the Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish. Both functions stopped working simultaneously.

But what could have caused this unexpected and tragic malfunction?

Some say that the problem was merely coincidental. Others, however, have taken to point fingers at the chief automotive inspectors of the MBTA.

"We're going to need to investigate this further," remarked Jim Bob Dunkin, who oversaw the safety inspection of the vehicle last April. "I've seen brake light bulbs go bad before, but never both at the same time. That's very peculiar."

As to why the windshield wipers would act up, Dunkin declined to comment.

Bus driver Annie Porter was unable to be reached, as she was treating post-traumatic stress from the incident with a couple of cold ones at the Presidential Pub.

According to passengers on the bus, Porter remained calm throughout the ordeal, although expressed several vague signs of nervousness and frustration.

"Another bus driver would have just pulled over and given up," one passenger said. "But she just kept going and made all the stops. It was like something out of the movies. If it wasn't for her, I would have gotten home much later."

Representatives from the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton also commended Porter, as local weather reports were shown to have been at a constant drizzle.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Local park to honor dead man with statue

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Donnie James Rio, a fondly remembered shuttle bus rider from Montclair, died last Thursday after playing 152 straight hours of the Nintendo game, Duck Hunt.

Rio, whose measly top score of nine ducks killed left a bitter aftertaste to his life, will be memorialized in statue-form at a local park to be named later.

Mayor Koch’s office was unavailable for comment on this matter, although his automated voicemail system oddly wished all a “triumphant Veterans Day.”

Monday, May 17, 2010

Jade Tree Records signs Coffee Break Café to three-year record deal

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coffee Break Café in Wollaston has been signed to a three-year record deal by Jade Tree Records, representatives of the coffee shop have announced.

Jade Tree, the Wilmington, Delaware-based record label, began operations in the early-nineties, and are known for releasing popular, independent acts, such as Alkaline Trio, The Promise Ring, Lifetime, Jets to Brazil, Onelinedrawing, Avail, and, to a much lesser extent, Kid Dynamite.

As reported, the contract will provide free promotion in Cambridge and Allston.

While the local coffee shop expressed enthusiasm and eagerness towards what this record deal may bring them, no one could say for sure what that may be.

"It doesn't matter what the contract is," one customer said. "Coffee Break is the most highly-regarded independent coffee shop around. It's like they took all the bass lines from Pavement's first album, combined them with the lyrical integrity of Highway 61 Revisited-era Bob Dylan, tossed in a little bit of Neutral Milk Hotel's eclectic instrumentation and mystique, and somehow figured out a way to make it into a cup of coffee. This is good day for music fans and coffee drinkers alike."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mik Miller running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos, promises to make body "more extreme"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mik Miller, owner and proprietor of the Body Xtremes Tattoo and Piercing shop at 417 Hancock Street, is running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos.

Miller, who has a longstanding history of being the most ridiculous looking human alive, expressed hope that he would soon think of something, although appeared to be stuck in what friends and family described as a "creative stalemate."

"He's just out of ideas," claimed piercing apprentice Chuck Wellington.

Miller, who became Massachusetts' first licensed and registered body piercer in May of 1996, has a total of 3,986 tattoos, over half of which are above the neck.

"I don't even know what else he could get," Wellington added. "Just on his face alone, he already has a lobster, a crab, a scorpion, and countless spiders and insects. In the realm of disturbing images, that pretty much covers it."

While some believe Miller couldn't possibly offend the public with his display of facial recklessness any more than he already has, others tend to disagree.

"I know he can do it," one supporter remarked. "He'll think of something."

While the controversial piercing tycoon vows to maintain shock appeal in the Granite City by continuously making his body "more extreme," expert tattoo forecasters have been unable to predict the exact nature of his next tattoo. Theories on what this tattoo may be have ranged from a "dragon with gigantic testicles" to a "funky, breakdancing vulture," although none have been substantiated at this time.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Joe Piscopo impersonator conjures up bad memories for locals, has residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Joe Piscopo impersonator has created quite a stir among locals, causing many residents to rethink what form of entertainment they will allow in the Granite City.

The impersonator, who was said to look and act so much like the former SNL comedian that it was described as "chilling," was eventually asked to leave before completing his second act, although was reported to receive full compensation.

Visibly shaken, the impersonator appeared to be too bewildered to comment.

While it is a well-known fact that Joe Piscopo is not allowed within Quincy city limits, there is speculation as to why, exactly, this rule came about in the first place.

Some say it is a torrid tale of lust and betrayal, others aren't quite so sure.

"It was scary how much that man looked like Joe Piscopo," remarked Davey Goodness, an Easton resident who attended the event with his mother. "I don't know what Quincy's deal with Joe Piscopo is, but they obviously weren't ready for this. It was too real, too authentic. I'll never forget those cold, piercing eyes."

When asked the reason why Piscopo is not allowed to penetrate the Quincy border, City Hall claimed to have conveniently "misplaced his file."

"We don't talk about Joe Piscopo," claimed Eileen Donna Milkshake, a domestic engineer from Squantum. "I have no idea why we even thought we could handle this shit. There's too much bad blood. It was all just too much, too soon."

Joe Piscopo was unavailable for comment on this article, as his website and contact information were listed as "currently down for construction."

Friday, May 7, 2010

Headless homeless man spotted on Broad Street

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A headless man was spotted walking into the Father Bill's Place homeless shelter on Broad Street earlier this afternoon, eyewitnesses claim.

Spotted by a vacationing couple from Orlando, the man was photographed just moments before he was able to slither out of view into the safety of the shelter, at which point authorities were alerted to the scene.

Representatives from Father Bill's Place declined to comment at this time.

According to Broad Street historians, this is the first incident of supernatural, jobless activity documented in the area in over two months.

On March 1st, Flex Edwards, a self-employed conquistador, was returning to Broad Street from a business meeting when he was violently accosted. Mr. Edwards was stripped of his newly acquired collection of Taang! Records hardcore tapes and raped in a non-sexual fashion. The culprit was later revealed by way of closed captioned security footage to be a heroin-addicted werewolf wearing a Father Bill’s Place "Homeless of the Month" wifebeater shirt.

While thousands of experts have come forward to inspect the mysterious photo, none appeared willing to go on record and verify it's authenticity.

"I know what I saw," said John Lemonshark, the Florida resident who took the photograph in question. "It was a headless man walking into a nearby homeless shelter. I'm sure of it. To say that that man had a head would be nothing short of a lie. In fact, it would be safer to assume that he had a home than it would be to assume he had a head. In a world of uncertainty, that is the only thing that's real."

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.

Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Quincy Fire Department still up to same old antics

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Fire Department is under tight scrutiny again after more of their antics have been made public by media sources throughout the city.

Thousands of residents have called for the immediate resignation of over a dozen Quincy firefighters, demanding that City Hall take action against a department that is so out of control, some are referring to it as "the Wild West."

Most recently, the department was accused of hosing down Grafton Street resident, Cheryl Dumpa, an unemployed mother of seven.

Dumpa claims that an unmarked fire truck had pulled alongside her this past weekend and began hosing her down with a high-pressure fire hose, all while firefighters watched and heckled her from inside the truck.

Dumpa, who has a history of suing everybody, has threatened to file suit against the department, although is expected to settle out of court for cash.

Charles DuMarr, a "between jobs right now" kinda guy from Wollaston, dialed 9-1-1 last Tuesday to report a suspicious fire in the vacant lot behind his home. When no fire trucks responded, police officers found all on-duty firemen drinking in the woods behind McCormick baseball field.

“We saw at least 30-40 firemen dwelling around in the woods,” recalled Officer Timothy Shoegoo. “When we saw the words ‘no fate’ carved into a nearby picnic table, we knew exactly what was going on. They were reenacting scenes from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, yet again. I tell you, every spring this happens.”

Disciplinary action is being sought against firemen Walter Kocheck, Hu Jalopy, Carlos Santana, and Michael Fornier. With Fornier also being charged with conduct unbecoming of a city official after repeatedly screaming “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,” while completely naked.

Michael Fornier, making a giant spectacle after being told to put his clothes back on.

"These guys think they can run around and do whatever they please," commented Jake Jowels, a retired train conductor from Hough's Neck. "Aside from the obvious, name one thing a fireman has ever done for anybody. I don't care how many fires they put out, that's their fucking job. You don't see people praising me for all the hard days of work I had when I was out there conducting trains. Talk about a thankless job. I still have nightmares to this day. All these firemen do is stir up bullshit."

But as more and more bullshit gets stirred up, who will pay the price?

Just last summer, after nearly six weeks without negative publicity, two Quincy Fire Department trucks were spotted outside of Nick's Pizza on Southern Artery, illegally parked next to a fire hydrant.

"We're on lunch," one fireman said, when asked why they had parked there. "Why don't you go play with a book of matches or something."

The illegally parked fire trucks, which have yet to be explained.

Allegations of negligence and corruption continue to be made by countless residents. Representatives of the department, however, have consistently refused to make any official comment, as grooming Dalmatians and comparing recipes for 3-alarm chili appear to be more of a priority than appeasing citizens.

"This the same shit that's been going on since the beginning of time," remarked amateur historian Albert Cheeks. "The fire department is an army built to do as they please, and that's exactly what we have allowed them to do for thousands of years."

Chief of Fire (CoF) Noddy McCaulkin has announced that all allegations against his department will be looked into by a highly trained team of Internal Affairs officers, after they wake up from a weekend-long bender that began at an illegal Chinatown strip club and ended on the roof of Kennedy’s Carpet Cleaners.

Local girl turns to sex and drugs to meet boys

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Samantha Rogen lacks the normal level of confidence you would expect from a healthy teenage girl. In fact, she doesn't have any confidence whatsoever. And if it wasn't for the feeling of being completely inadequate, she wouldn't have any feelings at all. She'd be nothing but a hollow, rotting shell.

At night, Samantha sits in a dark corner of her bedroom and listens to music, often times playing bands like Joy Division, The Cure, Bauhaus, and Swans.

Growing up, Samantha had always had a difficult time meeting boys.

It wasn't until earlier this year, when Samantha turned to a world of promiscuous sex and reckless drug abuse, that she really began to open up and meet new people, most of whom just blew loads inside her and never called her again.

"Samantha is totally fucked," said Adam House, a friend and fellow drug user from South Quincy. "She'd do pretty much anything to fit in with us."

But after several in-school suspensions and three arrests for public drunkenness, Samantha shows no absolutely signs of slowing down, even going as far as to threaten moving out of her parents house to pursue an acting career in Hollywood.

"She thinks she's gonna be a movie star," her stepfather explained. "She truly believes it. I don't know how many times I've told her what an insane pipe dream that is, but she doesn't listen. Not to me, not to anyone. If she wants to go to Hollywood, let her. That town will chew her up and spit her out the ass end of the amateur porn business in no time. Maybe that's just what she needs."

It was later revealed that Samantha's stepfather has one of the most massive porn collections this city has ever seen, an addiction that has crippled him for years.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Questions raised as YMCA junior wrestling program proves to have disastrous side effects

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The YMCA junior wrestling program has been shut down indefinitely due to multiple complaints of awkward behavior amongst it's participants.

Among the many concerned parents is Guswald Fendercat, a professional shoeshiner from Squantum, who claims to have found his 8-year-old son in what he describes as a "compromising position" with a fellow neighborhood boy.

"There was just something off about how they were playing," remarked Fendercat. "I can't say what it was, exactly, but it just wasn't natural."

Head wrestling coach Stephen Clubberts was unavailable for comment on the matter, although chose to do so anyway.

"It's just wrestling," he said. "It's a perfectly normal form of exercise."

Clubberts, who is now unemployed, is expected to apply at a handful of coffee shops in area, as bills at home show no signs of diminishing.

While attentions appear to be focused on the wrestling program for now, head honchos in the school department have already decided to do away with Central Middle School's fencing program, as well as Sterling Middle School's boxing program, which, as it appears, is nothing more than actual schoolyard fistfights.

"I dunno about this shit," added Fendercat, who was fresh out of a boiling hot shower intended to help him feel clean again. "It's fucking gross."

Mayor launches new Crystal Clear Koch campaign

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch will launch his brand new "Crystal Clear Koch" campaign today, which will allow residents to confront him with tough questions regarding the city, at which point he promises to answer them as truthfully as possible.

While some have accused the mayor of concocting a shameless publicity stunt, others see this as a fresh, new take on politics altogether.

The first of these meetings will be held tonight at the George F. Bryan VFW Hall, where the mayor is expected to field questions regarding a new Central Middle School, drug abuse among children, and Adderall abuse among lonely housewives.

"I think it's nice to see the mayor showing some effort," remarked one resident.

But while some see these new, no-holds-barred meetings as a step in the right direction, others simply see it as an excuse for the mayor to eat snacks.

"If you've been to a city meeting recently, you'll know that they're almost always catered," said Pike Turner, a retired VCR repairman from Merrymount.

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Turner continued. "Mayor Koch can't even make it a half-hour without eating something. And you can bet your ass it's the taxpayer that pays for all that food. But it beats being Communist, I suppose. Either way, that guy is an absolute moron. After all, we're talking about someone who still wears Hypercolor clothing to cookouts."

Mayoral aide Oskar “Burp” Douglas, who is credited with formulating the ins-and-outs of the campaign, issued a promise that the upcoming meetings will help ease tensions between the city's governing forces and the common man.

“It’s simple really,” said Douglas, as he helped his wife pick out a new puppy at the local shelter. “If Joe Nobody wants to know why the mayor's car was parked illegally in his driveway for days at a time, he just goes to a meeting and asks. Straight up. This is a whole new era in Quincy politics. No more...ugh, no, not that dog! That thing is horrific! Huh? Oh, sorry. So, anyways, this is a whole new approach to a public question-and-answer session. No more diversions and cheap tricks. Just honest-to-goodness answers.”

When asked by the shelter's staff as to how he would pay for his new dog, Douglas responded with an absurd series of cheap tricks, burps, and confusing musings before leaving quickly through the backdoor.

It is rumored that his wife eventually paid with cash.

Mayor enforces gender discrimination classes for all city departments, hires mysterious outsider

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch has made it mandatory for all city departments to attend a comprehensive 3-hour gender discrimination seminar, City Hall has reported.

The seminars will be held by Clyde Crisp, founder of Listen to Her, Inc.

Crisp, whose business operates out of the Monponsett section of Hanson, will be flown in by helicopter next week to present a total of twelve seminars, which will reportedly cost the city an excess of $26,000 in taxpayer money.

As of now, the only city department that is exempt from participating in the seminars is the Department of Weights and Measures.

"It's important to treat each gender the same," remarked Crisp. "It's not just men that keep a city afloat. Women have many roles within city government."

Crisp, who earned his associate's degree online through the University of Phoenix, was the former manager of the Bickford's on Mayor Thomas McGrath Highway in Quincy, where he learned the intricate details of a multi-gender workplace.

"It's a natural reaction for a man to laugh in a woman's face after she has asked him a question," Crisp added. "But this is a grave mistake. Women want to be treated as if they were equals with men, not just some cooking-and-cleaning machine who opens and closes their legs whenever we see fit."

Crisp then casually walked across the street and sat awkwardly close to a female on a bench, pressing his face against hers as hard as he could.

"I want you inside me," Crisp whispered, as he maintained solid eye contact.

Those who witnessed the uncomfortable scene all agreed that Crisp held his face even closer than Senator John Kerry had on the infamous day of the 2004 "Toddler Fiasco," when a heated argument between him and a Parker Elementary School student nearly devastated his career.

The infamous "Toddler Fiasco," which cost Kerry the 2004 presidential campaign.

"Politics are politics," Crisp explained. "It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Men and women, we're all the same. We're all just doing our part in the daily grind, keeping our eyes on the same old prize. It ain't no thing."

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this article, as all city departments were closed today to observe the Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Still no takers on missing light reflector found on Broad Street, authorities remain baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A missing light reflector that was found last week on Broad Street has so far remained unclaimed by it's owner, despite many attempts to advertise it's find.

The light reflector, which appears to have come from either a Schwinn bicycle or a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, was found by local vagrant and entrepreneur, Filbert Grapenuts, during a routine inspection for valuables.

"I've seen some things in my time," Grapenuts declared. "But nothing like this."

Going on to explain how his conscience would not allow him to keep such a valuable find, as a light reflector is a much-needed safety feature on any automobile, Grapenuts expressed no remorse about turning the reflector in to authorities.

"It was the right thing to do," Grapenuts added. "I'm sure of that."

Authorities, who found themselves unable to match the light reflector to anyone's vehicle in the National Light Reflector Database (NLRD), then placed several ads on Craigslist, hoping it's owner would come forward to retrieve it.

"Things aren't looking too good in this case," admitted Officer Nico Haylen. "After about a week without leads, cases like this have a way of making it to the bottom of the pile. I know it sounds crazy, but that's the way it works. The truth is, whoever lost this light reflector probably doesn't even realize it's gone."

Authorities are asking anybody with information leading to the owner of this missing light reflector to please call Quincy City Hall at 617-376-1000.

Rockland spokesman promises swift revenge for injured teens, hires local private investigator

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was never meant to be anything more than a simple fight between two suburban towns. It was the stuff that S.E. Hinton novels are made of. It was just an ordinary display of misplaced rage, the perfect example of youth gone wild. But when everything about it went wrong, it became something more.

Running down four teenagers with the van he was driving, Nathan Delazook, of Norwell, was arrested and charged with attempted murder, among other charges.

All four victims were brought to nearby hospitals, where they were treated for injuries sustained during the attack. Two of the girls are said to be in critical condition and have since been relocated to Boston-area facilities.

The dispute was said to have started over a planned fight between Rockland High and Norwell High students, although authorities are still unsure as to why.

But what Nathan Delazook didn't realize is that nobody takes shit from Norwell kids, not even sandal-wearing John Mayer fans from Milton.

"Revenge will be swift," promised Rockland spokesman Colin O'Rabia.

O'Rabia, who is the owner and proprietor of the Rock Vegas Sandwich Shop and Custom Lawnmower Alterations store on VFW Drive, then began focusing his time and energy on finding a private investigator to get to the bottom of this story so that justice may be served, finally settling on lifelong Quincy resident, Kelvin Smarts.

Smarts, who recently passed his private investigator exam on the third attempt, was said to be a shoe-in for the job, as he was willing to be paid in sandwiches.

"I will get to the bottom of this in under 48 hours or you can bill me for these sandwiches," said Smarts, as he wiped a splash of Thousand Island dressing from his lips. "There is no mystery that I cannot solve, no matter how big or small."

Kelvin Smarts, who claims to be able to solve any mystery in under 48 hours.

While Rockland Police seemed to become increasingly baffled by what may have led up to this tragic altercation, Smarts remained optimistic that he would uncover the truth in a timely and professional manner, paving way for what O'Rabia described as the "most vicious act of vengeance the South Shore has ever seen."

"This town wasn't built on people who back down to Norwell kids," O'Rabia told reporters during a last-minute press conference in the basement level of Mike's Pizza on Union Street. "I don't care if the entire service department of Shaw Saab comes down here, we'll be ready. If this had been Brockton, or Taunton, or Quincy, or Weymouth, or even Kingston, it'd be a little easier to stomach. But Norwell? No fucking way. We didn't rise to fame when local legend, Jonathan Togo, got signed onto the cast of CSI: Miami, starring as Officer Ryan Wolfe, just to have some Norwell kids come down here and pull some shit like this."

As of now, no further information on this case has been made available.

While Delazook's fate remains unclear at this time, it can only be assumed that he has at least one rich and politically connected relative working behind the scenes to guarantee that he will not have to suffer the consequences of his actions.

Allegations of the driver's mother being a psychologist who claims he is a schizophrenic have already made their way onto South Shore-area message boards.

For the most up to date information on this story, please check elsewhere.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Boston water ban causes local man to call it quits

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A ruptured water main in Weston has rendered tap water undrinkable for nearly a third of Boston's residents and some of it's suburbs, affecting water service to nearly two million people in thirty cities and towns.

Among those affected is Sal O'Day, a Germantown man who found himself in complete denial over the situation, refusing to make any changes to his daily habits.

O'Day, who
lives in the basement level of his mother's Section 8 housing complex on Figurehead Lane, was last in the news after several failed attempts at picking up girls resulted in a 90-day stretch at the Dedham House of Corrections.

Figurehead Lane was named after "The Figurehead," a Cure song from the 1982 album, Pornography, a fan favorite amongst Germantown natives.

"I don't wanna hear it," said O'Day, as he chugged a tall glass of ice cold tap water, unaware of the intense bowel movements to come. "All this talk about water bans is nothing more than pure filler. In my eyes, it's time to stand up and tell these so-called newscasters to think again, because all they're doing is cashing in on some bullshit story and there is absolutely no reason for it."

The broken water main in Weston, Mass., which limited water supply to Boston.

Going on to explain how he has always felt out of step with the world, aside from Germantown and certain areas of Quincy Center, O'Day then began to take on the deep maroon shade of a ripened boysenberry.

"Someday," O'Day cryptically added. "We'll look back and laugh."

O'Day was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "not covered" by a handful of insurance companies he claimed to be covered by.

O'Day was then shipped back to Germantown, where local, "no-questions-asked" surgeons attempted a number of controversial procedures on him, ranging from late 19th century bloodlettings to a complex series of steam experiments.

"I'm calling it quits," O'Day told reporters later that evening.

O'Day then stared out the window of his basement level bedroom and watched as countless Adidas shell toes passed, each of them belonging to yet another Quincy resident who remained unaware of the severity of the situation at hand.

"Maybe there is some truth to this story," O'Day concluded, as he plucked another mushroom from his forehead. "Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've ever heard."

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I wish they all could be Brewer's Corner girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in West Quincy

Warm weather and summer-like conditions have paved way for the scantily clad hotties of Quincy to make their presence known, some more so than others.

Take Melanie Stain, for example, who could be seen marching up and down Willard Street, dressed like Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown, ready and willing to get into the front seat of any man's car, no matter who that man may be.

Bouncing from one end of Willard Street to the next, Stain moved about with the carefree grace of a loose OxyContin in the pouch pocket of a faded Starter jacket. All of this occurred as the passing motorists spoke kind words of encouragement to her until she finally ended up stopping on California Avenue.

"Suck me off, you fuckin' rotten cunt," one driver said.

It was an offer that Stain did not take lightly, as she could be seen just moments later entering the passenger side door of the driver's mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, where it is presumed the two embarked upon a journey of forbidden acts and untold pleasures on a seemingly sultry afternoon.

But while some expressed interest in what Stain had to offer, others did not.

"I wouldn't go anywhere near that filthy beast," remarked Antonio Chowder, a recently divorced widower from the Braintree border. "You couldn't pay me to even look at that thing. There ain't enough money in the world. I thought the good part about this weather was that you don't have to keep filling up your oil drums, I don't wanna have to lay eyes on some West Quincy girl who actually looks like one."

Abington ironworker hit by car on Furnace Brook Parkway, vehicle in critical condition

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local ironworker, Tom Turkolio, was hit by a car earlier this morning on the corner of Furnace Brook Parkway and Quarry Street, authorities have reported.

Turkolio, a union dipshit from the small intestine of Abington, was sent to Quincy Medical Center, but was released almost immediately after, as he was determined to be "absolutely fine" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

The vehicle, however, is said to be in critical condition.

"I don't see this car making it through the night," remarked Alan Yip, an automotive technician who isn't afraid to admit he can appreciate a good love song. "There's just too much damage. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, but, if he even has a conscience, he's gonna have a hard time sleeping tonight."

Turning around to play George Michael's "One More Try" at an ear-splitting volume through the brand new Bose speaker system in his service department, Yip then continued to work on the dying automobile.

It was a hopeless attempt, although one he could not resist, for even though the vehicle's days were numbered, he knew that he, as well, had to give it one more try.

Tom Turkolio could not be reached for comment on this article.