Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Mayor launches new Crystal Clear Koch campaign

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch will launch his brand new "Crystal Clear Koch" campaign today, which will allow residents to confront him with tough questions regarding the city, at which point he promises to answer them as truthfully as possible.

While some have accused the mayor of concocting a shameless publicity stunt, others see this as a fresh, new take on politics altogether.

The first of these meetings will be held tonight at the George F. Bryan VFW Hall, where the mayor is expected to field questions regarding a new Central Middle School, drug abuse among children, and Adderall abuse among lonely housewives.

"I think it's nice to see the mayor showing some effort," remarked one resident.

But while some see these new, no-holds-barred meetings as a step in the right direction, others simply see it as an excuse for the mayor to eat snacks.

"If you've been to a city meeting recently, you'll know that they're almost always catered," said Pike Turner, a retired VCR repairman from Merrymount.

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Turner continued. "Mayor Koch can't even make it a half-hour without eating something. And you can bet your ass it's the taxpayer that pays for all that food. But it beats being Communist, I suppose. Either way, that guy is an absolute moron. After all, we're talking about someone who still wears Hypercolor clothing to cookouts."

Mayoral aide Oskar “Burp” Douglas, who is credited with formulating the ins-and-outs of the campaign, issued a promise that the upcoming meetings will help ease tensions between the city's governing forces and the common man.

“It’s simple really,” said Douglas, as he helped his wife pick out a new puppy at the local shelter. “If Joe Nobody wants to know why the mayor's car was parked illegally in his driveway for days at a time, he just goes to a meeting and asks. Straight up. This is a whole new era in Quincy politics. No more...ugh, no, not that dog! That thing is horrific! Huh? Oh, sorry. So, anyways, this is a whole new approach to a public question-and-answer session. No more diversions and cheap tricks. Just honest-to-goodness answers.”

When asked by the shelter's staff as to how he would pay for his new dog, Douglas responded with an absurd series of cheap tricks, burps, and confusing musings before leaving quickly through the backdoor.

It is rumored that his wife eventually paid with cash.

No comments: