Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local police officer Nico Haylen was caught red-handed this weekend, faking a disability in an effort to pick up ladies in the Boston Common, reports say.

Haylen, who is no stranger to making headlines, was last in the news after several failed attempts at jumping from the roof of Finian's to the roof of Firestone somehow ended with thirty-seven severely injured Komodo dragons.

With a rented wheelchair and a clean shave, Haylen cruised the Common, reeking of Clubman® brand after shave lotion, scented hand cream, and Binaca breath spray.

"I really thought he was disabled," complained Hillary Spellman, a vampire interviewer, who traveled from Spokane, Washington to finagle a bagel with friends. "He told me that his legs didn't work because he was crushed by a shipping container while defending the honor of his neighborhood sweetheart. How was I supposed to know that wasn't true? Who would actually make something like that up? That's so horrible. What an absolute sociopath, huh? I honestly can't even believe that he's an officer of the law. That just baffles me to no end. He promised me he'd take me to a Bane show, too. Are they even a band anymore?"

While Haylen refused to comment on the allegations made against him, surveillance footage from the South Quincy 7-Eleven clearly shows him dancing the "running man" only three days prior.

"He seemed really nice," remarked Sally McAlpine, another victim of Haylen's weekend antics. "He told me he could get me backstage at the next Earth Crisis show. He said that he gets into every show for free because he lost the use of his legs during one of their infamous mosh pits. And then, from out of nowhere, Mike Beaudet from Fox 25 came up to us and started antagonizing him about faking injuries. I got really defensive at first, until I saw Nico get out of his wheelchair and start running away. I guess I won't be going to that Earth Crisis show."

The true story about what happened at North Quincy High on that otherwise insignificant day

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The details behind Wednesday's shooting on Hunt Street are unfolding throughout the city, weaving a blanket of mystery and mayhem, creating a blend of corruption and betrayal, which seeps into the minds of all, marinating in it's own natural juices.

Everywhere you turn, the story is there, constantly changing, becoming something more, something different, plagued by the lies and exaggerations of all.

But now, hear the true story, as it actually happened, here on the Scallion.

"It was just like any other day," said North Quincy Jones, a neighborhood leader from Newbury Avenue. "It was one of those days that feels no different than any other day before it. The kind of day where there's a slight chill in the air, but no more or less than any other day. Who would have known that, when all was said and done, it would be the day my thoughts turned to murder?"

Jones then went on to describe thousands of insane details about how that day inevitably became very different than any other day he had experienced before.

"That's when we knew that we had to assemble a team of assassins," Jones continued, after cryptically informing Scallion reporters about each factor and event that built up the intense backstory to the shooting. "So, we formed an army out of all the Red Raiders football players we could find, and we got 'em all hopped up on the caffeine. Then, we just positioned ourselves around Kim Market and guarded the area in case those D.C. hardcore kids arrived. And there was nothing left to do at that point but wait. And we all know how that goes, don't we?"

It should be noted that Jones had previously informed the Scallion about a long-running feud between North Quincy residents and the Washington D.C. hardcore scene, as well as an incident, which had been covered by the Scallion, where vandals attacked Kim Market two weekends ago.


The NQHS Red Raiders, preparing for battle against the D.C. hardcore scene.

“The moon was cold that night, my friends,” responded Shang Tsung, co-owner of Kim Market, to a question no one asked. “Cold and dead as an old bone.”

Tsung, last in the news after his store’s high prices caused a massive brawl between international Hot Pocket consumers, witnessed the violence through the Kim Market window. He recounted what he saw, leaning against his store’s brick wall at an awkward 65 degree angle and smoking a corn cob pipe down to it’s filter.

“There was a lot of kids from the neighborhood gathering outside my store," he added. "I knew something was going to happen. It was the calm before the storm. Then, using a pair of high-powered binoculars, I spotted someone getting off the train wearing an S.O.A. shirt. I knew shit was about to get serious.”

At that exact moment, a bald eagle zoomed past Kim Market, snatching Tsung’s toupee from his head and flying directly towards the Sun. Coincidence? Or something more? No one was willing to say.


A suspect who was taken in for questioning because of his Government Issue shirt.

"I can tell you exactly how this whole thing went down," claimed Hunter Fields, the only Quincy resident who is allergic to nature.

Fields then dropped to his knees and began bleeding profusely from every orifice, as the overbearing forces of nature had become too much for his body to bear. Some say he was dead before he even hit the ground. Others say after.

And all throughout North Quincy, the only thing that was completely sure is that nothing was what it seemed. And the only thing that was what it seemed was the fact that nothing was completely sure. It was an air of mystery that was felt by all, until a fateful moment where time seemed to pause and the laws of gravity no longer applied, creating an uncanny aura that was somewhat peaceful, almost calm.

"There was nothing any of us could do," remarked Mike Triangle, a former North Quincy High School student, who prefers boneless buffalo chicken over pan-fried vegetables. "We tried to stop the madness, but it was just too intense. You must believe me. I would never lie about these particular events I am about to describe."

Triangle then went on to explain exactly what happened, leaving out no details.

"That was the night everything changed," Triangle concluded, as his words synchronized perfectly with those from the GZA's "Liquid Swords," which could be heard faintly in the distance through a nearby neighbor's Bose speaker system.

Police maintained order by repeatedly spraying a high-powered fire hose at any group of more than three people who congregated within range of the area. Officer Bob Cop refused to answer further questions about the incident, only saying that “Quincy Police are shocked at what happened and will do everything in their power to make sure it doesn’t happen again."

Cop then raised his standard-issue pistol to his head and blew his brains out on the sidewalk, as the horror of a society that could produce such an atrocious event was simply too much for his feeble mind to take.

Hunt Street resident and father of none, Matthew Bread, vowed to form some sort of crude vigilante group to ensure the safety of his neighborhood, but was later distracted by a bag of unopened Planters Peanuts.

His account of the incident was chilling. “It was chilling,” spoke Bread, who had never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in his life. “I’ve never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in my life.”


Matthew Bread, putting on a big show for the camera as he tries to work a movie deal.

"D.C. hardcore can eat my fucking ass," barked Kevin McGrounds, a passing tourist from Michigan. "D.C. hardcore might as well be fucking emo. And it's probably to blame for emo, too. Fuck that whiny bullshit. And fuck Ian MacKaye, while I'm at it. If they wanna come up here and start shit---if that is what really happened---then I'll back this city one hundred percent. If it's what it takes, I'm ready to fight."

No matter whose account of the story you choose to believe, or what you think may have happened, the facts that have been provided to you cannot be denied. And you heard it here first, each detail being more true than the last, yet, at the same time, more true than the detail to follow. Stay tuned for the most accurate and meaningful updates on this story, which will be made available as they unfold.

Local man arrested for attacking clown on MBTA

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man was arrested yesterday for attacking a well-known entertainer on the MBTA in what authorities are calling a most gruesome and aggressive act.

Authorities arrested Ricky McClassic, an unemployed socialite from Quincy Point, after receiving several complaints about fighting on board a Red Line train.

Eyewitnesses reported absolute mayhem as McClassic got into a heated argument with Curtley Smithers, who is better known by his stage name, Eastcide the Clown.

"Those two were really going at it," claimed Art Forsaile, a frequent passenger of the Red Line. "At first, I thought they were only half-serious. They were fighting like how best friends and brothers fight. They were arguing about which Brando movie was better, Viva Zapata! or Superman, and shit just started to get ugly from there."

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Forsaile continued. "Then, all of the sudden, that McClassic kid got up out of his seat and started to punch the clown. Right in the back of the neck, too. It was a grim scene, to say the least."

As reported, the fallout between the two passengers started over what appeared to be a minor disagreement, although those who are "in the know" seemed to come to their own conclusions, some of them even claiming that the feud was long overdue.

"Those two definitely knew each other," claimed Johnny Crumbfoot, an aspiring blackbelt from Wollaston, last in the news after accidentally purchasing an XXL turtleneck for Mayor Koch, who is a borderline midget. "There was hatred in that dude's eyes. This was definitely not the first time these two had met. There was no hesitation, no regret. He fucked that clown up so bad, his ring left a huge incision on his forehead. I've never seen anybody as angry as that McClassic guy was, it was insane. If anything in life is guaranteed, that kid never asked to be born!"

Eastcide the Clown, just days before receiving a most ruthless ass whooping.

"At this point, we are considering this to be an isolated incident," said Raymond "Mass Bay Ray" Feinstein, a spokesman for the MBTA. "The Red Line is a place for safe and convenient travel with friends, family, and loved ones. It's not some fancy brawl park, or some crazy league of pain. This is one solitary event, which in no way has any bearing on how one should look at the MBTA as a whole."

Eastcide the Clown has been reported to be in stable condition at Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "absolutely hilarious" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw upon arrival. No further information on his status is known.

North Quincy residents attempt to overcome embarrassingly low 3-per-year murder rate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A young man was arrested just a few blocks away from a shooting outside North Quincy High School today, causing a general sense of panic to fill the streets.

The shooting took place around 3:30PM on Hunt Street, just outside the entrance to the North Quincy High School gymnasium.

It is an area of Quincy that has seen far too much action over the past couple weeks, as an unknown culprit had spray painted the words "Stay Free" on the outside wall of Kim Market just two weekends ago.

According to Quincy Police Chief John Kennan, the victim was a 16-year-old male.

As reported, the victim was shot in the leg and taken by ambulance to Boston Medical Center, where it is expected that he will receive a robotically operated transplant, built to withstand almost anything, including a nuclear holocaust.

Loose-lipped witnesses stated that they saw a man run into a house a few blocks away from the shooting, where Quincy Police eventually apprehended a suspect who had been hiding in a basement, most likely pretending to be a human furnace.

The suspected gunman was then loaded into a police car like a sack of potatoes and taken in for questioning, where we can most likely assume that he started singing like Lady Gaga at the fucking Grammy Awards.

The identity of the person arrested was not immediately known.

The suspected shooter, wondering if he's going to end up in South Bay or Dedham.

"It's a fucking war zone out there," claimed Jethro Crull, a former employee of the North Quincy Hess gas station. "That kid is lucky he only got shot in the leg. So much better than the face. First, there's kids spray painting on Hunt Street. After that, we have a shooting. What's next, a Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza reunion? This city is brewing with hatred right now, and I don't wanna be here when it erupts. You heard it here first. This city is ready to fucking explode!"

Squantum's new television pilot to air next Thursday night on Quincy Access Television

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A new television pilot about the Squantum section of Quincy is set to air next Thursday night on Quincy Access Television.

The television series, which will be named Squantum Leap, will feature Squantum's own Matty Screwzlik as Dr. Leo Marvin, a scientist who becomes lost in time following a botched experiment.

There is no word yet on if the lead character has anything to do with the Dr. Leo Marvin from Bill Murray's hilarious action-adventure, What About Bob?, although it is expected to be merely a coincidence.

Also on the list of regulars is Squantum's unofficial mayor, Jacia Hearn, who will co-star as Al, Leo's womanizing, acid-dropping sidekick and best friend, who will appear to Leo as a hologram that only he and a select group of people can see.


Matty Screwzlik and Jacia Hearn, who will head the cast in QATV's Squantum Leap.

"We have a lot of really great ideas for this show," remarked executive producer Jemma Hanshee, who co-wrote the script. "The entire pilot is going to be about how Dr. Leo Marvin gets lost in time after a science experiment goes wrong, and the only thing left for him to do is to just keep bouncing around through different times, trying to have sex with every Squantum girl that ever existed. This is really original stuff. To my knowledge, nobody has ever even attempted to film a show like this."

But the new television show is not without controversy, as a scene where Dr. Leo Marvin tries to convince a young girl to let him use a "Clash City Rockers" 7-inch as a condom has many parents on edge.

"We don't need television programs like this on public access," barked Mary Ellen Bellevue, a part-time Avon saleswoman and former owner of Bellevue Road. "It's hard enough raising three daughters in this world. I really don't need a half dozen grandchildren running around my house because my whore kids were under the impression that it was okay to have unprotected sex, just because some piece of shit Squantum kid says he'll stick his dick through a fucking Clash single."

Quincy Access Television has so far made no public apology in regards to Mrs. Bellevue's concerns, although did promise to send her a Delicious Daisy® bouquet from Edible Arrangements if she promised to keep any future comments to herself.

Squantum Leap will air next Thursday at 8:00PM on Quincy Access Television.

Hollywood boy-toy Brian Dennehy swindled into exclusive three-year contract with Sully's Spa

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Brian Dennehy, best known for his gritty performance as veteran officer Jasper O'Shea in the 2005 remake of Assault on Precinct 13, has reportedly been duped into signing an exclusive, three-year contract with Sully's Spa.

The contract, which excludes Dennehy from working on any other projects until February of 2013, requires the actor to be present during all hours of business, where he will be required to carry out "miscellaneous tasks" throughout each shift.

"There's gotta be a way out of this," exclaimed Dennehy, as he prepared to perform a juggling act at the request of a homeless alcoholic. "This can't be real."

Dennehy, who is said to have signed the contract on a whim, claims he was under the impression that he was signing a deal to perform at the Goodman Theatre, the oldest currently-active theatre in Chicago's Loop.


The Goodman Theatre, whose vertical neon sign looks very much like the sign at Sully's.

"I was led to believe that I was signing a contract to perform The Tragedy of Macbeth at the Goodman Theatre," Dennehy explained. "I would never have signed that contract if I had actually read it. It's not even a paying gig. I'm literally gonna be working seven days a week for the next three years without even getting paid for it. I don't even know if that's legal. And I bet you anything that it isn't."

Dennehy, who later discovered that the contract was not only legal, but impenetrable, has already prepared to sell his ownership in The Brian Dennehy Collection, an assortment of seemingly random collectibles, which have been tagged with the Brian Dennehy name.

Having a brief stint in popularity, The Brian Dennehy Collection has since become a staple at clearance stores, such as Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and AJ Wright.

"The Brian Dennehy Collection was a bunch of crap," remarked Ken Flopp, a known creep from Adams Shore. "Anything and everything was part of that collection. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Every time Dennehy got a few pops in him, he'd name something else a part of his collection. It was absurd. It started out as just kitchen plates and clothing, but then, after a while, it got insane. Take a look at the later portion of the catalogue. There's a used Styrofoam coffee cup in there, a couple of old tampon applicators, and a 1999 Ford Ranger. Have fun trying to get a 1999 Ford Ranger through the aisles at a TJ Maxx."

Sully's Spa, who recently celebrated their 75th anniversary in the Granite City.

"Somebody has to help me," Dennehy pleaded, as he relacquered the three-lane bowling alley in the basement level of Sully's. "I have no money, I'm under the constant pressure of an overbearing waitstaff, and I'm fed nothing but Wollaston Beach clams. These people can't treat me like this. I'm Brian Dennehy. I was the sheriff in the first Rambo movie, for Christ's sake! Somebody has to do something about this before it gets outta hand."

Dennehy later claimed that the long hours and lack of pay were taking a physical toll on him, as well, stating that another week would surely be the death of him.

Brian Dennehy, looking a little rough after a long shift at Sully's.

"There's no getting out of this contract," explained Ronaldo "Sully" Sullivan, an absolute sick-as-fuck bowler, who co-owns the establishment. "Brian Dennehy is ours to do with as we see fit, at least for the next three years. If he even lasts that long, that is. We've already forced him to drink over thirty shots of urine, had heroin addicts wipe their asses with his face, and tricked him into eating a dozen deviled eggs, which had been sitting on the shelf since the Reagan Administration. The guy is an idiot. And I intend on reminding him of that fact every five minutes."

Unfortunate typo causes Quincy volunteers to send AIDS to Haiti

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An unfortunate error in a city document has resulted in eighty jars of the deadly AIDS virus to be shipped to the ravaged island of Haiti.

Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, and now former editor of the city of Quincy’s Volunteer Pamphlet, has issued an apology for the mistake, which he blames on a complete lack of doing his job.

“Got a little sidetracked there, didn’t I?” responded Schlopp. “I was just kickin’ it at my office, getting into some serious Gmail chat conversations, when I realized that the Volunteer Pamphlet was due. I know, I’m supposed to proofread that thing, but, let’s face it, it’s fucking boring as shit.”

Schlopp then leaned back further in his 1997 pleather desk chair and added, “It’s all politics these days, isn’t it?”

AIDS, which was made popular after Freddie Mercury's predictable death in 1991, has long since been a fan favorite among the more talked-about diseases.

"This is a monumental mistake," remarked Catherine Butterspoon, a concerned citizen, who just so happens to own 51% of Tropical Airways, Haiti's cleanest and most trustworthy airline. "Even for a city like Quincy, this looks bad. There's no way to pawn this one off on someone else. If there was, Schlopp and the rest of those City Hall hacks would have already tried. A lot of innocent people are going down because of this. I really hope people learn their lesson this time."

To make up for the mistake, businesses from all over the city have banded together.

After carefully studying a flyer pleading for “More Help for Haiti," Gerald Ultraround, owner of The Smoke Shop in Wollaston, decided to donate two cartoons of Camel Light cigarettes and seven packages of Red Man® chewing tobacco.

Due to popular demand, the Cathay Pacific restaurant recalled it’s shipment of subpar crab rangoons and pork fried rice.

Andre, owner of Andre’s Market in Wollaston, opened his heart and donated five scratch tickets with a possible value of over ten million dollars.

“What can I say?” marveled Andre at his own generosity. "I immediately wrote it off for taxes. That’s right, that's ten million in taxes that I’m getting back. Plus, those tickets are only refundable in Massachusetts, so, even if someone wins, they have to come up here to cash it in. I know that I was responsible for donating 79-of-the-80 jars of AIDS, but I’ve got plenty to go around. I’ve had that shit for years, no biggie.”

Finally, a ragtag bunch of Quincy residents have banded together at local tycoon Hannibal LeMarsupial’s home recording studio to sing a benefit song with all proceeds going to a Best Buy gift card for Haiti.


Hannibal LeMarsupial, talking shit to a fellow business partner during a quick recording break.

Dubbing themselves “AC/QUINCY," the supergroup, consisting of homeless derelicts, 21-year-old rapists, crooked cops, drug-addicted thieves, and soccer moms, spent the better part of last night rewriting lyrics for AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” and dedicating it to the earthquake victims.

Area man deems Wendy's new Spicy Chicken Nuggets "not spicy enough," threatens suicide

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Chipley "Redline" Spaulding, 37, of West Quincy, has locked himself inside his studio apartment on Centre Street, threatening to take his own life if Wendy's does not release a spicier chicken nugget by noon tomorrow.

Spaulding, who has a long history of threatening suicide, was unavailable for comment, however, allowed photographers to take numerous photos of him.

"The Spicy Chicken Nuggets at Wendy's aren't even spicy," Spaulding said on his blog. "And while they are very tasty, especially when accompanied by the Heartland Ranch dipping sauce, the level of spiciness you get from them is significantly less than one would initially expect."

Spaulding was last featured in the media after chaining himself to the front of an MBTA bus in an attempt to bring BoKu fruit juice back on the market.

"This isn't the first time this Spaulding character has tried something like this," claimed Officer John Steele, a tough-as-nails rookie with something to prove. "As soon as we get the okay from the chief, we're knocking that door down and I'm gonna make it a special point to take that guy's kneecaps out. I honestly can't think of anything that would be more satisfying. It's people like him that waste the time of law enforcement, causing those who need it to suffer. People like Chipley Spaulding make me sick."

Local activist demands justice for Kim Market vandals, personally funds investigation

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

Local public activist and bumbling billionaire, Dino Bland, has made it his personal mission to unmask those responsible for the recent vandalism on the Hunt Street side of Kim Market in North Quincy.

As reported by Quincy Police, the words "Stay Free" had been spray painted on the brick side of the building at some point over the weekend.

Bland, who is no stranger to embarking on crazy adventures, was last in the news after defeating a Bengal tiger at Boggle during a cystic fibrosis benefit that ended with three dead and over $30,000 in property damage.

Bland will assemble his own team of detectives, and has stated that he will finance the mission entirely with personal funds.

Alison "Alley Chick" O'Relly, Bland's personal assistant and head confidant, promised swift justice to any, and all, who may have been involved.

"Bland Capital and Investment Consulting and Corporate Demutualization Firm for Mergers and Acquisitions of Northeastern America will not rest until the culprits of this action have been brought to justice," O'Relly said. "The B.C.I.C.C.D.F.M.A.N.A. has stood around and watched the seedy underbelly of this city do as it pleases for far too long. And we are not going to take it any longer. We are going to stand up and unite against those who are set to destroy this beautiful city. For without unity, we are not united. But with unity, we are. But we must not lose hope. Hope is what will bind us together as one. I read somewhere that, without hope, man is but an animal. And I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly seems to be."

There is no word yet on if O'Relly realizes that she was, in fact, quoting White Trash Rob lyrics, which, in turn, were actually quoting someone else.

As of now, there have been no reported developments in Bland's investigation, although he has stated that he will be offering a reward of "unknown riches beyond your wildest fucking dreams" to anyone who has information leading to the arrest of those responsible for the malicious defacement of Kim Market.

Heroin addiction revealed to be less glamorous than made out to be in Velvet Underground hits

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Heroin addiction was revealed to be significantly less glamorous than it has been made out to be in the hit songs of the Velvet Underground, a recent study shows.

The study, which was conducted by experts, shows that heroin addiction is, in fact, only half as glamorous as previously thought, making it only twice as glamorous as crack addiction, as opposed to four times as glamorous, as originally believed.

"This a groundbreaking moment in the field of useless science," said Dr. Wayne Jetski, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "With everyday that passes, more useless information is gathered. Sometimes we do something with it, other times we don't. There is literally a whirlwind of information out there, just waiting to be used in studies, such as this. Through various acts of research, we have determined that there is almost nothing glamorous about being addicted to heroin, which, as many of you know, is considered by some to be the romance drug. For many years, bands such as the Velvet Underground and Depeche Mode have given their fans a false hope that, if only they did heroin, everything would be okay. This is actually nothing more than a half-truth. Everything will be okay---that much is most definitely true---but only at first. After a while, the stuff really ends up taking a toll on you. It's pretty ugly stuff, believe it or not. At least that's what I hear."


Dr. Jetski, the one-time recipient of the Merrymount Association's "Excellent Doctor" award.

Excusing himself for a moment to "take a shot of insulin," Dr. Jetski casually closed his office door, where, moments later, the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" could be heard playing through his brand new Bose iPod docking station.

In a strange turn of events, Dr. Jetski was found dead only minutes later by what his fellow colleagues described as "natural causes."

Local piece of shit faces charges on alleged double-rape after night of heavy drinking

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local piece of shit was arrested at his home on Water Street this Monday on charges that he raped two women over the weekend after a night of heavy drinking at one of Quincy's more questionable bars.

Patrick "PJ" Banks, 21, will face charges on five counts of rape and two counts of indecent assault and battery on a person over 14.

Both women, ages 23 and 24, are alleging that Banks raped them after meeting him at the Commonwealth in Quincy Center. Both women also believe that they were drugged beforehand, which, judging by the face of the accused, is most likely true.

As reported, Banks is already disliked by almost everyone in the city.

"I don't think there's anything more disgusting than a rapist," remarked Matty Northside, the self-proclaimed "Matty Southside of North Quincy," last in the news after losing his finger while trying to save a buck and hop over an MBTA fence for a free ride on the Red Line. "There's only one thing you can do with somebody like that; hang 'em. Hang 'em high. You watch those fucking bastards die."

Gary Delorean, a self-declared victim of Ocean State Job Lot’s everyday low prices and frequent patron of the Commonwealth, expressed little surprise at the charges.

“Look at that kid’s face," commented Delorean. "There’s no way he was pulling two girls out of there with a mug like that. The odds were 25-to-1 that a girl would even go near that dude. 25-to-1! He obviously drugged them. He probably used those Ruffies that I sold him in the bathroom earlier that night.”

Delorean, realizing what he had just said, proceeded to sweat uncomfortably for a few minutes while staring directly at his drink and half-eaten bowl of popcorn.

Bartender Roy Beers told reporters that the alleged incident was not common to his establishment and that Banks had been asked to leave earlier in the night.

“I told him if he didn’t take himself and his scrappy goatee outside, I’d give him a punch on the nose,” Beers said. "Girls are creeped out enough around here, they don’t need that maggot lurking around in the shadows to add to their unease."

Banks will be tried at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead not guilty to all charges, even though it is wicked obvious that he is.

"I hope some big, nasty, pimple-faced, sloppy motherfucker sends it home on this kid's ass everyday while he's in jail," Northside added, as he casually reenacted the ridiculously cool walking scene from Reservoir Dogs, while the George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag" played loudly through North Quincy's brand new Bose speaker system. "I hope he has to suck every single dick in that place, to be honest. If there's five things in this world that I'll just never fucking understand, it's Milton kids, Braintree kids, Weymouth kids, Dorchester kids, and rapists."

$100 vacuum cleaner salvaged by raving lunatic

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A vacuum cleaner believed to have been discarded by a tenant of an apartment building on Hancock Street in Quincy Center was rescued by a deranged sociopath just days before it was to be taken away by local garbage men.

The vacuum cleaner is believed to be valued at $100, or, perhaps, up to $500, according to its new owner.

Rufus Sweathdirt, a man in his mid-thirties, who bears an uncanny resemblance to every piece of shit creep that wanders the streets after eleven o’clock on a weeknight, was lurking around the aforementioned area when he spotted the discarded cleaning apparatus.

Mr. Sweathdirt then sprung into action, moving from a slow, deliberate crawl to a full-fledged sprint, knocking over three other pedestrians in his path and diving face-first into a pile of garbage.


Rufus Sweathdirt, just seconds after spotting the abandoned vacuum cleaner.

“I knew I had a big score on my hands,” exclaimed Sweathdirt. “I think a landlord must have been kicking someone out of their apartment. How else would these things end up in the trash?”

Carms McGarnickle, a waste management supervisor, was called into action almost immediately to decide ownership of what was then revealed to be a 1995 Dirt Devil PowerPlus vacuum cleaner.


Carms McGarnickle, taking less than two seconds to tell people how it’s going to be.

“This item belongs in a museum,” declared McGarnickle, after seconds of deliberation.

“So do you!” responded Sweathdirt, who then surprised onlookers with an explosive 50-karate-chop attack that missed McGarnickle by only three feet. Sweathdirt then collapsed dead on the sidewalk, either due to exhaustion or from the numerous heroin needles dangling delightfully from his arms, neck, legs and ass.

Mayor Koch to replace Warren G as municipal finance director, vows to regulate City Hall

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Koch has shit-canned the city's first municipal finance director and named former school committee member, Nicholas Puleo, to replace him.

Puleo, 26, will replace Warren G. Sproul in the $100,000-a-year position starting February 8th, and is expected to fall for almost every rookie prank thrown his way throughout his first day on the job.

"It is time for us to regulate City Hall," Koch said, as he sank his teeth into an overstuffed meatball sub. "But you can't be any geek off the street. You gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean. You gotta earn your keep!"

Koch hired Warren G back in November of 2008, having created the municipal finance department shortly after taking office, most likely as a way to distract people from his "personal finances," such as luxurious carpeting, Bose stereo systems, hi-definition flat-screen televisions, and countless trips to Papa Gino's.

Designed to centralize the city's financial operations, which were previously spread out among several departments, the municipal finance department has so far been extremely successful. Aside from the fact that its director has already been asked to leave, that is. But, other than that, everything has been pretty smooth.

As reported, Quincy has an annual budget of about $226 million.


Nicholas Puleo, who most likely didn't finger too many chicks in high school.

Before taking the finance director job, Warren G worked as chief financial officer for the city of Salem, which most likely entailed using calculators and burning witches.

Puleo's new position is a mayoral appointment, which is up for renewal every three years, however, does not have a contract or require approval from the city council.

Puleo, who resides in Wollaston, started his career in government in 2005, just after graduating Northeastern University. Since then, he has maintained multiple jobs regarding budget analysis and restructuring, as well as serving as chief of staff to state Senator Stanley Rosenberg, who is rumored to be Jewish.

The infamous Warren G, back when he still had a job with the city.

"This is a fucking joke," declared Warren G, as he purposely finished his fountain drink as loudly as possible. "This Puleo kid is too young and inexperienced."

Puleo, however, disagrees with Warren G's assessment of him, stating that he plans to improve the city's budget by adding "clearer explanations" and "more graphs," which, according to local graph experts, may be exactly what this city needs.

As for the remark about his age, Puleo chose not to comment, although this reporter finds it funny to think of the fact that this city's new 26-year-old municipal finance director has most likely taken Ecstasy no less than six times.

"I say let the mayor give the little guy a shot," remarked Victor Parcheesi, a known supporter of change. "It can't be any worse than that guy he brought in from New York to go over the books after he first took office. What was his name again, Bill the Butcher? That guy was fucking brutal. I don't even think he ever once looked at the books. All that guy did is run around throwing knives at people."

Bill "The Butcher" Cutting, posing in front of City Hall upon his arrival in January 2008.

"Bill the Butcher was a mistake," Koch admitted, as he did everything in his power to hide the giant marinara stain on his TJ Maxx tie. "He was from the old school and his methods were outdated. I won't even try to deny that. A lot of innocent people got hurt during his stay here, and, for that, I sincerely apologize. Better luck next time, right? You win some, you lose some. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Puleo will start his new position at City Hall in just under two weeks, and is expected to sit on his ass and watch Comcast's FEARnet On Demand until then.

There is no word yet on how Puleo plans on hiding the mayor's reported $300-a-day meatlover's pizza habit, although it is assumed that he will merely pin the wasted funds on the city's controversial East Quincy Zoning Board department.

What the fuck, dude??? Water fell from sky!!!

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an interesting turn of events, water fell from the sky yesterday afternoon, causing many residents of the area to have absolutely nothing to talk about but the weather.

From Squantum to West Quincy, conversation starters, such as, "How about this weather?" and "Boy, it's really coming down out there, isn't it?" filled the streets.

"It seems like people will never get used to the rain," an expert said.

The more it rained, the more craziness ensued. From car accidents, to explosions, to murder, a wild wave of insanity ran rampant throughout the city, stirring up madness like a heroin junky fresh out of rehab with two hundred dollars in his hand.

"It was unlike anything I had ever seen before," claimed Janie Pandabaworth, a stereotypical female type from Hough's Neck. "It was like condensation had built up in the clouds above, and then, from out of nowhere, as if by some crazy force of nature, fell to the ground. I don't even know how to explain it. But it was weird and it was wet. And I'll probably still be talking about it until the day I fucking die."

Pandabaworth's dead body was found later that evening in a ditch near Brill Field. She was brought to Quincy Medical Center, where she was immediately pronounced "dead beyond repair" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

As with other murders in recent past, her body had been beaten and brutalized, and a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup had been found within her general vicinity, this time, twenty feet below the ocean surface, just off the coast of Rock Island.

Mysterious pranksters take Quincy residents back in time with nostalgic gags of old

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A series of old and familiar pranks took place over the weekend, causing many Quincy residents to be forced to look back and realize that not much has changed.

Most notable is what happened at the infamous Kim Market, where the words "Stay Free" were crudely spray painted on the brick wall of the building's left side.

As many inhabitants of the area may remember, these exact words had been spray painted on that wall some decades ago, where they remained for many years.

"This is a disgraceful act," claimed Officer Nico Haylen. "But it's also kind of amusing. I'm not condoning vandalism, but, if you absolutely have to do it, you might as well do everything you can to make it funny. And I don't care what anybody says, this is pretty funny. Kim Market must think that they got stuck in some sort of crazy time warp. Chinese people almost never know what's going on, it's hilarious."


Kim Market, whose general disregard for proper grammar is no secret at all.

Next on the list took place at an abandoned storefront on Newport Avenue, between Beale Street and Brook Street, in the area of Village Driving School.

This storefront, which has been abandoned and unattended to for as long as most Quincy residents can remember, was once the home to a Clash's London Calling poster, which, according to a 1991 edition of the Black's Creek newsletter, was visible through a cloudy window of the former establishment.

As reported by authorities during a Sunday morning press conference on the rooftop of Fratelli's Bakery, the Clash poster has since returned, although, this time, is glued to the outside of the window.

The infamous Clash poster, back in action on the deteriorating Beale Street strip.

"I have no idea what's going on in that fucking town," claimed Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who declined to comment any further.

While authorities are baffled by these recent pranks, no arrests have been made.

Quincy District Attorney and early Beastie Boys enthusiast, Calvin Shoreshott, however, promised swift vindication to all those involved.

"People in this city have been doing what they please for far too long," said Shoreshott. "People are making a joke out of our law enforcement and traditional values, acting like life is a big commercial."

Stopping briefly to grab two girlies and a beer that's cold, Shoreshott continued. "We believe that we are looking for a young man, or possibly a group of young men. From my experience, Quincy girls are unable to perform even the most meaningless task without getting their disgusting period blood all over the place. Anyone who has been to either of these two locations since Saturday night can clearly see that there is no more blood there than usual. Plus, given the fact that every woman in the history of mankind has the exact same handwriting, we can clearly see that this is the act of a man. We will find who is responsible for these actions, and we will prosecute them to the fullest capacity. These motherfuckers are going down hard."

Until further information is known, no further information will be made available.

As usual, Kim Market will be offering illegal sex acts in the basement level of their establishment, which is said to include their world famous "Hi-Definition Handjob," a mind-blowing combination of old school techniques and new school technology.