Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Self-employed dishwasher nets $20 on winning scratch ticket

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Don Von Bonco, a 61-year-old self-employed restaurant dishwasher from Merrymount, netted a cool $20 from local business Andre’s Market last night upon scratching a winning lottery ticket.

Von Bonco, who has carried a static expression of neither joy nor mind-numbing depression for his entire life, eased his winnings into his worn leather wallet and stepped out into the hot, summer sun, while store owner and AIDS-infested immigrant Andre clapped loudly.

“He won!” belched Andre, whose last name was withheld due to it not existing. “I asked him if he cared to risk it all for the chance to win bigger prizes, but he didn’t respond. I then gave him the twenty dollar bill and let that caged bird fly free.”

Attempts to interview Von Bonco were met with silence as he roamed carelessly back towards the general vicinity of his home.

Neighbors of Von Bonco seemed to be delighted to hear the news.

“I am delighted to hear this news,” remarked Ron Bocash, who has lived in Von Bonco’s backyard since March of 2009, due to a court order.

“Couldn’t give less of a shit about that guy,” added Jap Pandajap. “He’ll probably spend it all on buttered cheese sandwiches. That’s all I've ever seen him eat.”

It was later revealed that Von Bonco used the money to purchase an extremely used DVD copy of Blade II. It is unknown at this point whether he plans to disclose this information on his 2011 tax records.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Homeless people still not attractive, study shows

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A recent study conducted by a team of experts shows that homeless people are still among Quincy’s least attractive residents.

The study, which was conducted in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, consisted of six highly educated individuals viewing a slide reel of Quincy residents, to which they judged each on a scale of 1-to-10.

As to be expected, homeless people did not fare well in the study.

"What do you want from me?" asked Kelvin Springtime, who oversaw the study from a library computer's webcam. "Homeless people are fucking disgusting."

Springtime was last in the news after several Walmart shoppers confused his infamous "Springtime is here" entrance call with a declaration of a change in seasons, resulting in a most unexpected rise in beach chair sales.

For more information on homeless people, hide from your responsibilities.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

McDonald's unveils the all-new McMiller sandwich

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the McDonald's Corporation (NYSE: MCD)

McDonald's unveiled their all-new McMiller sandwich yesterday evening at a golden tie event held at the Knights of Columbus hall on Hancock Street.

The McMiller, which is said to be designed after a local piercing shop owner, will be available only at the McDonald's in North Quincy, and is part of a brand new regional marketing campaign called "Burger Xtremes."

McDonald's representatives declined to name the piercing shop owner at this time.

While most who attended the unveiling were impressed by the sandwich, some pointed out the fact that it was nothing more than a pierced cheeseburger.

"The human body cannot digest a piercing," said area man Cheech Holbrook, who looked in on the event from an open window outside. "In a world filled with uncertainties, that is literally the only thing I am completely sure of."

Cheech Holbrook (left) partaking in a grisly scene during the after-party that followed.

If sales of the McMiller go as well as expected, the McDonald's Corporation has stated that they plan to continue their Burger Xtremes marketing campaign, possibly branching out as far as the McDonald's on Southern Artery.

Initial ideas on the drawing board show plans for a tattooed Chicken McNugget, green mohawks in Happy Meals, and a Sausage and Egg McMiller with Cheese.

"This is big," Holbrook added. "This entire city is about to fucking explode."

Monday, June 28, 2010

Witnesses claim local man takes things "too far"

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Prince Patrick Bourbon

Local man, “Average” Joe Muscles, took things too far recently with a public display that included flexing his biceps, twirling in a circle for two hours, and instigating a session where he waterboard tortured himself using techniques obtained from a used copy of a CIA handbook.

Claiming to get more than 95% of his dietary nutrition from the new Grilled Cheese Burger Melt at Friendly’s, Muscles began screaming obscenities at a nearby pigeon, before reminding all within earshot that he was “large and in charge.”

While witnesses to the bizarre spectacle were baffled by what they saw, all feverently agreed on Muscles' overall assessment of his body.

"I'd let that guy be in charge of me," admitted Shalburt Milkseed, a painfully neurotic delivery man from Montclair. "A man like that demands respect. If this doesn't make you wanna go out and grab a Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, I don't know what does."

The infamous Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, which has already claimed three lives.

Goron Manticore, regional supervisor at the box factory that currently employs Muscles, responded to the wild scene by eating two full boxes of saltine crackers and doing a series of subpar Ferris Bueller impersonations.

“Life moves fast, eh?” gasped Manticore, as his dehydrated windpipe slowly collapsed. “If you do not pause to take look around, you could miss it.”

Manticore was found dead just hours later underneath the floorboards of his Atlantic Street bungalow. At this time, there are no services planned, as friends and family have all agreed to mourn privately in the comfort of their own homes.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Man with obvious mental issues redefines waistline, unveils all-new summer fashion

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

A local man was spotted roaming the city streets today, wearing a pair of denim jeans that took up no less than 85% of his already insane looking body.

While some believe this man has simply mistaken the definition of what a waistline is, others believe he may be unveiling a brand new summer fashion. As to where others may obtain clothes of this fashion, no one is exactly sure.

The man, whose name was not made available to the media, due to the fact he is mentally disabled, is said to reside in an inpatient treatment center on Fenno Street.

His name was later revealed by friends and family to be Chipton Smoothly.

Smoothly, who has never made headlines before today, was unable to be reached for comment on this article, as his drastically illogical sense of reality caused his brain to shut down at the simple thought of being interviewed.

Jealous residents and medical staff at his assisted living home then locked Smoothly in a piping hot broom closet, where he was found dead hours later.

Smoothly is survived by two younger brothers and six adjacent neighbors.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Governor Patrick pays visit to Neponset River Bridge project, briefed on Pony Room concern

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It seems no matter how hard a foreman on the Neponset River Bridge project tries, he just can't keep his workers from straying off and drinking at the Pony Room.

The Pony Room, which is conveniently located just over the Quincy line, in Dorchester, has long since been a go-to point for Granite City residents who are seeking to dabble in the high stakes world of the Neponset area nightlife.

But what will the Pony Room cost us in the end? Some say everything.

"I can't keep anybody concentrated on this project," complained Bill Ricka, who oversees construction on the southbound side of the bridge.

Calling in Governor Deval Patrick to further assess the growing problem, Ricka explained how the magnetic pull and allure of the notorious bar has already caused the project to be set back fifteen years behind schedule. As reported, the project was originally slated to be finished sometime before the end of 2012.

"At the rate we're going, we'll never finish this thing," Ricka added. "At any given point in the day, over half my crew is in that place drinking. You do the math."

Governor Patrick was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Quincy residents promise absolute chaos after Celtics game, regardless of outcome

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are preparing for what many believe will be a full-scale riot after tonight's Celtics game, regardless of what the outcome of that game may be.

All throughout the Granite City, sports fans and beer drinkers alike have promised absolute chaos to follow what may very well result in the Boston Celtics winning their 18th NBA Finals, a record no team has ever achieved.

But in the game of unnecessary rioting, scores are of little importance.

"It doesn't even matter if the Celtics win," explained Finbar Crothers, an out-of-work dishwasher from Grafton Street. "Either way, this city is gonna explode."

Crothers was last in the news after using an electroshock taser on a newborn baby's face, after becoming too excited during the first quarter of an NBA preseason game. While he was originally expected to serve a lengthy prison sentence for this crime, the baby later invoked his Fifth Amendment rights, refusing to testify in court, leaving prosecutors with nothing to go on but physical evidence.

"The streets will flow with the blood of many," one Celtics fan declared.

This fan was later deemed to be "too cryptic" by all within ear reach, and was escorted just beyond the Quincy border by way of East Milton Square.

"Things like this have only one way of playing out," remarked an anxious Officer Nico Haylen. "If you ask me, chaos is the only true order of things. Tonight could go either way. Maybe I'll blast a drunk in the face with a fistful of quarters. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just fire a beanbag through some college girl's eye, just because I can. I don't really give a fuck if the Celtics win or lose this game. I honestly couldn't care less. Either way, I'm gonna start
poppin' eyeballs out with spoons."

Officer Nico Haylen, distracted by a passing pelican.

There is still no word yet on who will win tonight's game, although experts believe that the Celtics still have a "decent chance" at achieving this goal.

For the most up-to-date information on the NBA Finals, look elsewhere.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Newspaper spill hits Route 3A to public indifference, lackluster reviews

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dozens of newspapers spilled out onto the corner of Coddington Street and Route 3A this morning, causing minor pile-ups and massive amounts of disinterest.

Thankfully, none of the drivers were injured, although several pedestrians were killed when a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla spun wildly out of control, pinning them against the stone wall of the Mount Wollaston Cemetery.

The newspapers, which had been heading east towards the Germantown and Hough's Neck sections of Quincy, were unable to be salvaged.

"I've seen better examples of chaos in my time," said Ray Skardbull. "Shit, I've had a few first dates lately that were more intense than that. Still, a lot of people died today. Whatever. Next time this happens, we'll be ready."

Skardbull was arrested shortly after on several unrelated rape charges.

Every year, it is estimated that hundreds of newspapers are lost during transit. At least half of those are believed to at one point cause a vicious accident. There is no way to currently estimate how many accidents happen in the world each day, although expert analysts believe that number to be in the thousands.

Monday, June 14, 2010

City's homeless strike envy with hard-working residents, "jobs are for schmucks," they say

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a fucking wild time on Broad Street

All throughout the Granite City, people are enjoying the great weather and fun times of late spring, but none more than the homeless community at Father Bill's.

Father Bill's Place, which has long since housed some of the city's most undesirable homeless residents, is known for it's ability to continuously look after heroin addicts and rapists, rent-free, as well it's award-winning recipe for bagel pizzas.

But bagel pizzas aren't the only thing on the menu at Father Bill's Place.

Take this past Saturday, for example, when the entire establishment was outside barbecuing ribs and burgers for an unruly group of scumbags that consisted of no less than 60% convicted child molesters and drug addicts.

The homeless residents of Father Bill's Place, having a BBQ while you were at work.

"I can't believe how good these pieces of shit have it," said Calvin Shroud. "I was busting my ass on a nine-hour shift, and these guys are out there cooking half-racks on the grill. I swear, this world couldn't be any more mixed up if it tried."

Shroud then casually ingested a lethal dosage of potassium cyanide and crawled onto a nearby bench, where he was largely ignored by almost all who passed.

And as if barbecues and all-day hangouts weren't enough, some of the homeless have actually taken to urinate on the side of Father Bill's Place itself. Becoming too consumed by their luxurious lifestyles, most claim the bathroom is "too far to walk to," leaving those who work on Broad Street with a most horrifying image.

A homeless piece of shit, pissing all over the very building where he lives for free.

"Jobs are for schmucks," one homeless man said. "Why would I look for employment when I can just kick back and eat fire-grilled hot dogs and potato salad?"

It seems that no matter how hard the working man tries, a homeless person comes along a reaps the benefits of his labor. From shelters to detoxes, the bottom-feeding leeches of society seem to have no problem finding a place to call home, while those who work hard and struggle to make ends meet are left with the bill.

To speak to a homeless person, call Father Bill's Place at 617-770-3314.

Germantown sad sack assaulted outside home for refusing to wear shirt in public

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police are on the lookout for two young men who allegedly assaulted an overweight Germantown boy over the weekend.

The boy, whose body is said by both family and teachers to be "utterly insane to look at," has apparently refused to wear a shirt since the end of April, and had already been given several warnings by the neighborhood teens.

As reported, the two men assaulted the victim just outside his Shed Street home.

One of the men was said by witnesses to be wearing a pair of black Nike Cortez, where as the other assailant was wearing sneakers of unknown origin.

"You can't really blame whoever did this," one neighbor said. "I'm sorry the kid had to get hurt, but he was really starting to bum everybody out. Even if I knew the two kids that did this, I probably wouldn't even say anything."

No further information on this case has been made available at this time.

Merrymount parents lash out against Mayor Koch using homemade signs with Microsoft clip art

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Merrymount area parents are lashing out against the mayor in the wake of publicly announced budget cuts that may result in the loss of their school bus route.

The bus route, which operates throughout the neighborhood on weekday mornings and afternoons, takes students to and from Merrymount Elementary School, which is tucked away in a near-hidden location on Agawam Road.

As of this September, the bus route may be eliminated indefinitely.

"How do you take a bus route away from a kid that age?" asked Lufa Rigno, the neighbor of a concerned parent from Greenleaf Street. "I understand that budget cuts are making it hard to make ends meet, but you can't take away buses. Without school bus routes, we are nothing more than filthy pieces of shit."

Rigno was last in the news back in 1969, after he and a fellow business associate invented the Adidas shell toe, which remains a popular footwear even today.

Lufa Rigno (right) and his business partner, holding the very first Adidas shell toe.

But while the concerned residents of Merrymount disagree with the elimination of the bus route, those who are in control of the cookie jar say it is unavoidable.

"We just can't afford to keep the route operational," Mayor Koch said. "These kids are gonna have face reality and start walking to school. They're just gonna have to suck it up. The everyday luxuries of modern living are a thing of the past, and there's no way I'm going down in this sinking ship alone. I'm taking everyone with me, kids included. A little exercise never hurt anybody."

It was later revealed that Mayor Koch once blew a hamstring while pitching underhand during the annual City Hall vs. Napoli's Pizza softball game.

For more information on Quincy's school budget, spit in your child's face.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dennis Quaid in hot seat after all-night stripper party, faces Quincy judge for alleged assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dennis Quaid is in the hot seat again after an all-night stripper party ended at Club 58 with a slew of misdemeanors and an alleged assault on an underage girl.

The girl, who asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, is Pamela Campervan, a 16-year-old junior at Quincy High School, who claimed she used a fake driver's license to get past the otherwise impenetrable fortress of the nightclub's front door. An act that club owner John Tonic finds astonishing.

Campervan has been said by friends and teachers to appear at least twenty.

Police responded to a disturbance call this morning, at approximately 1:30am, where they found an inebriated and uncommonly slithery Quaid, surrounded by girls.

As reported, the nightclub had been reserved for a personal party for Quaid.

Upon first glance, responding Officer Nico Haylen knew that something was off about the scene, prompting him to draw his weapon and unload upon the crowd.

"I could tell something was awry," Haylen told reporters. "Partly because the young girl looked familiar, but mostly because of the guilty look on Quaid's face."

It should also be noted that Haylen had been accused of having an affair with the very same girl last summer, although she later refused to testify, shortly after receiving a brand new 2008 Audi RS4 from an anonymous donor.

After backup arrived, both Quaid and Campervan were taken into custody, where Campervan told authorities the actor had attempted to tear her breasts off.

On top of over a dozen smaller charges, Quaid was then placed under arrest for assault on a minor, to which he would only admit to "tweaking her nipples."

Quaid, explaining away the nipple tweaking fiasco during Friday morning arraignment.

"I honestly had no idea how old she was," Quaid pleaded. "I had no idea how old any of them were. They were all so soft, and everything was just fuzzy."

While Judge Naples E. Maples of the Quincy District Court is given time to sift through over three pages of eyewitness accounts, Quaid's wife is expected to file for divorce, where she will most likely take the celebrity for everything he is worth.

"This isn't the last we'll hear from Quaid," said Craig Billings, a local black.

Billings then swallowed several handfuls of high potency painkillers and proceeded to make pointless observations about the rising divorce rates in the South Shore.

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Bridgewater's financial crisis makes Quincy residents feel better about themselves

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

All across Bridgewater, residents and city workers alike are taking drastic measures to survive, as services and supplies continue to diminish.

With a public library that is open a measly 14 hours a week, and a fire department that is in danger of having to close down one of it's substations, it appears that Lady Luck just hasn't quite made her way down that far on Route 24.

But not everybody finds this news as hilarious as we do.

Take Sandy Narco, vice chairwoman of the Bridgewater Public Library, for example. Due to budget cuts, she now has to clean the shit off the library's toilets.

Don Larue and Sonny Thaves, both members of the town's Highway Department, now have to patch all 185 miles of Bridgewater’s roadways. Before the budget cuts, all they had to do was sit on YouTube all day and make money.

Mike Hearst, an English teacher at Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School, has over thirty students in his ninth-grade class. Almost twice what he should.

And John Fingerton, who was once a high-ranking Bridgewater selectman, now spends his days giving people "ten fingers" to the second level of the Town Hall, as the decrease in funding became so bad that they couldn't even afford stairs.

"Go ahead and laugh at me," Fingerton said. "Get a good chuckle out of it."

John Fingerton, walking away from reporters with an unattended corn cob pipe.

Hearing of Bridgewater's misfortune, Quincy residents then decided to hold an all-night rager, hosted by local legends DJ Silent Partner and Stenny.

"Knowing that other people have it far worse than I do really helps to take the edge off," Silent Partner said, as he lit three Marlboro cigarettes with a flaming $2 bill. "The people of Bridgewater need to stop having sex with cows and start learning how to live like a civilized society. For them, this is a serious wake-up call. For us, it's an excuse to party. I think it's safe to say that we won this round."

Excusing himself to play a Biz Markie classic, Silent Partner began closing the party down in style. "This next song goes out to Bridgewater," he declared, as he ended the night with his own remix of Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

Listen: DJ Silent Partner (MySpace)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

World Cup fever reaches dizzying lows in City of Presidents, shows record-breaking disinterest

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The 2010 FIFA World Cup, a sporting event of some sort, which is held every few years, managed to disinterest a record number or Quincy residents this year.

The contest, being held in South Africa, involves grown men effeminately kicking a ball around while keeping their hands and arms glued firmly to their sides.

Waulrice Numblord, a 40-year-old garbage collector from Finagle-A-Bagel, remarked, “I just beat my wife into a coma.” The statement shocked his coworkers with it’s stunning lack of World Cup relatedness.

Numblord was arrested shortly after, although charges were later dropped, as he recanted his previous statement, giving authorities nothing to go on.

"A criminal trial without a confession is about as exciting as a game of soccer," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose ongoing battle with diabetes has been both crippling and hilarious. "I couldn't name one soccer player ever, nevermind one from today. If you ask me, soccer isn't even real. It's all just smoke and mirrors."