Friday, February 26, 2010

King Latifah finds himself in heapload of trouble

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

King Latifah, who, contrary to public opinion, is in no way related to Wil Wheaton, found himself in all kinds of hot water yesterday, as his routine lunch order caused a commotion in the Brigham's restaurant in Wollaston.

Latifah, a local man-about-town, descended upon Brigham’s at approximately 1:00pm, with the single-mindedness of a spider hunting whatever it is a spider might hunt: possibly a fly, or maybe something else.

Upon entering the establishment, he farted loudly, startling elderly customer, Alf Nelson, into a near-fatal heart attack. Nelson, 98, of Willow Road, was then brought via golf cart to the Hancock Cemetery, where his still-living body was dumped crudely into a freshly dug grave.

"One meatball salad," Latifah ordered, according to three eyewitness accounts.

Upon hearing this order, assistant manager Speed Bruckman decided to get involved, partially due to the fact that he had recently made a promise to himself to refine his overbearingly subpar managerial skills, but mostly because he was the only employee working at the time.

"I had no idea what this so-called King Latifah was talking about," Bruckman claimed, as he made no effort to hide the fact that he was soothing an exposed boil with a medicated towelette. "I told him that I had never heard of a meatball salad, and demanded that he explain himself. He looked me cold dead in the eye for about six minutes and then finally explained to me that it was just like a regular salad, but, instead of the lettuce, it was meatballs. There was nothing left to do. Without saying a word, I just turned around and ran. And I never looked back."

It was later revealed that Bruckman did, in fact, look back several times.

Upon further examination of security footage, Latifah can be seen pacing nervously around in circles before using a series of dramatic hand gestures to signify his hunger for a meatball salad.

Tensions escalated to a frightening level, when, after several hours of being denied the alleged food combination, Latifah was informed by way of cellular phone that he was fired from his job at the Smoke Shop for failing to return from lunch.

Sitting calmly at a booth to collect his thoughts, King Latifah was reported to have drifted into a state of mental retardation as the sounds of The J. Geils Band’s “Centerfold” blared at an ear-shattering volume from the restaurant's newly installed Bose stereo system.

Latifah is rumored to still be at Brigham’s, demanding with a now-hoarse voice to talk to whomever is in charge, and reputedly very upset at the lack of meatball salads being served to him.

“It’s just a Goddamn salad!” he was overheard screaming, as he flailed his arms about the establishment. “Except, instead of lettuce...meatballs!”

Author's N
ote: It was brought to the attention of me and Brunk Edwards that The Onion has already used the name King Latifah. This is Jimmy Flynn's fault.

Emo kid declared "too ridiculous looking" for most residents to bear, escorted to South Station

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

John Ferndale, a South Quincy resident who was deemed "too ridiculous looking" for residents to bear, was escorted out of Quincy yesterday afternoon and left at South Station with twenty dollars to start over and find a new life somewhere else.

Ferndale, who is known as "Johnny Sadheart" to his friends, has long since had a reputation of being a downer to all those who come into contact with him.

"I can't allow a kid to walk around looking like that," said Matty Southside, a devoted protector of the South Quincy community. "Don't get me wrong,
I understand the concept of freethinking. I honestly do. But you don’t need to walk around, day after day, thinking so freely with every single thought you have. Just live your life and keep an open mind, that’s all. You don’t have to be wicked annoying about it."

Alerting authorities to the growing problem of Ferndale's attire, residents of South Quincy closed their doors and prepared for the worst.

"I got a call just after my lunch break about some kid walking around with mismatched sneakers," said Officer Nico Haylen. "I can handle a lot of shit---in my profession, you have no choice---but that's where I draw the line. This kid might not have been breaking any laws, but he was certainly breaking my personal code of ethics. I don't care how many AFI albums you have, there's really no reason that a man should ever paint his fingernails. And I don't care how overboard this seems, but, anybody I see who's over the age of eighteen with a tongue piercing is getting shot. I don't give a fuck how much paperwork I have to fill out."

Haylen then casually took thirty-seven steps backwards and began an interpretive dance number to absolutely no music.

While most in the area were amazed by his techniques, others pointed out the fact that he almost never does any actual police work.

After being escorted out of Quincy by way of a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, Ferndale was given twenty dollars to start a new life with, although it is expected that he will put the money aside for the upcoming My Chemical Romance CD.

"What a disgusting way to be," Southside added. "That kid should be ashamed of himself. No wonder why these people cut themselves."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market relocated to Hough's Neck, Craigslist Killer among leading suspects

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Market, the historic building near Faneuil Hall in Downtown Boston, was relocated to the Hough's Neck section of Quincy last night.

While Faneuil Hall has yet to make any official comment on the matter, it remains an excellent location for suburban whores and douchebags to waste their entire paychecks doing the exact same thing they could have done in their own town, all while unnecessarily dressing up, as if there is actually something classy about assimilating yourself into a lifestyle of shitty music, unwarranted cover charges, overpriced mixed drinks, and inevitable date rape.

Authorities discovered this unexpected occurrence when they received an anonymous tip that an out-of-place building had been spotted on Labrecque Field.

"As soon as I saw that building, I knew it didn't belong there," said Rodney Jefferson, the Hough's Neck resident who placed the anonymous call. "I've always had a very keen eye for detail. I tend to notice things that others might miss."

Hough’s Neck Neighborhood Watch founder, Ernie Spindoctor, alerted several members of the community to the building after Mr. Jefferson’s observation.

“Nothing gets by Rodney," Spindoctor said. "He was right on the ball this time. I know for a damn fact that building did not occupy that space yesterday. I spent the better part of my lunch hour flying a model airplane around in that field. How could I have done that if Faneuil Hall was there?”

Calmly chewing an entire pack of Wrigley’s brand gum, wrappers and all, Spindoctor fumbled for the right way to address the situation.

“The fact is, I couldn’t," he added. "You see, I don’t know if you know this, but model airplanes don’t lie. They cannot fly through buildings, historical or not. They are the ultimate test of what is real on this Earth. You think I enjoy skipping lunch and flying those damn things? Not for one minute. I do it to prove a point.”

As to what point Mr. Spindoctor was trying to prove, it remains unclear.

Acting on a hunch, Quincy Police interrogated Philip "The Craigslist Killer" Markoff, who, according to reports, claimed to be in prison at the time of the relocation, making it virtually impossible for him to be involved.

"It's all pretty convenient," said Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy Police Department's 37th best looking employee, not including mechanics, part-time volunteers, or custodians. "A little too convenient, if you ask me."

The Craigslist Killer, who denied any involvement in this crime.

Although common sense tells us that Markoff could not have been responsible for the relocation of Quincy Market, many residents still believe that he is.

"Ever since that kid came to Quincy, it's been fucking chaos," claimed Sally Cider, a spicy little biscuit from Adams Shore. "We don't need people like the Craigslist Killer in our city. Before he came here, this city was beautiful. We oughta stick that kid in one of those piece of shit towns off of Route 24, like Taunton or Bridgewater. That'd be a good punishment. Let's see how long he can handle living among those toothless bastards with their 1985 IROC-Z Camaros and those ladies with acid washed jeans, hi-top Reeboks, and unflicked cigarettes. If you ask me, that's a fine punishment."

At this time, there is still absolutely no evidence of Markoff's involvement.

When reached for comment, Zander Bellacherbo, an 89-year-
old nursing home resident with very little knowledge of the incident, would only cryptically add that he had "very little knowledge of the incident.”

While Philip Markoff awaits further interrogation as to his alleged involvement in the Quincy Market switcheroo, many wonder what could possibly happen next.

Speculation abounds on the subject, with wild theories circumventing the area that this is just the beginning of famous landmarks appearing in Hough’s Neck.

Odds-makers, operating illegally out of resident Larry “Chin Music” Hyland’s basement, say the leading bet is a 2-to-1 shot of the Notre Dame Cathedral appearing somewhere on Sea Street before the end of April. If the stunning example of French architecture is found on the even-numbered side of the street, the payout will be quite handsome, indeed.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Last man on Earth comes to horrifying realization

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tim Johnbone, self proclaimed "last man on Earth," discovered the terrifying truth of things after spending the better part of last Saturday wandering the streets of Quincy in a desperate attempt to survive the end of days.

Johnbone, a travel agent from North Quincy, with a $20-a-year rice pudding habit, awoke at 2:00pm to find that his house, and then, upon further inspection, entire neighborhood, had been deserted.

Being no stranger to bizarre occurrences, Johnbone immediately came to the realization that he was the sole survivor in a post-apocalyptic world.

After inspecting both Merrymount Park and the Marine Corps League Post, Johnbone felt that his suspicions had been confirmed, causing him to head north and search throughout the capital city, where he expected to find more of the same.

"I have stared into the eyes of isolation," Johnbone stated on his Twitter account. "I have been put on a path that leads to a desolate demise, but I have accepted this without a second thought or hesitation. I have looked deep into the abyss. I have searched high and low for signs---any sign---that humanity continues on, but I have found none. I have come to the cold and dark conclusion that I am alone in this world. Forgive me, God, for I have indulged myself with more of life than was given to any other man. And I shall suffer here for as long as you see fit, alone and cursed to damnation. And I shall do so without question, as I know that it is your will."

A photograph of Merrymount Park, which was taken by Johnbone on that fateful day.

"It was definitely very strange that nobody was out that day," admitted local sports fan Vern Green. "You don't really see that too often, I'll give him that. As to why this Johnbone kid would come to the conclusion that he was the last person on Earth, though, I have no idea. Maybe he's overly-dramatic, who knows? Maybe he's just not too bright. Honestly, I can't really say. I don't personally know the guy."

It was later revealed that almost all residents of the Greater Boston area were merely watching two homeless men fight behind Sozio Furniture in Neponset Circle, where Father Bill's Place regulars, John "Heroin Dude" Tucker and Tito "The Fake Indian" Guadalupe, fought an epic, drunken mixed martial arts battle.

Quincy girl found dead seven days after using cursed white lighter, still no word from Bic

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy girl was found dead in her Atlantic Street home yesterday evening, just seven days after using a cursed white Bic lighter.

Alison Loadman, 16, was found by her mother while in the middle of an Adderall-induced cleaning spell, and was said to have displayed severe signs of trauma.

Loadman, who was just cast in the lead role of North Side Story, a North Quincy High School play based on the recent shooting on Hunt Street, will be remembered by many in her school as being "really nice," and will be mourned for quite some time.

As reported by friends, Loadman had used a white Bic lighter only seven days prior to her death, and had begun to experience strange occurrences ever since.

"She was always really nice to me," claimed Gerthy Wonderspoon, an unfortunately named sophomore at Loadman's school. "But she seemed really out of sorts this past week. It was as if she knew something bad was going to happen."

Arriving on the scene a mere three hours late, police pronounced Loadman dead immediately, where she was then taken to the Lydon Funeral Home in Wollaston to be burned, as her body was declared "too disturbing" to look at.

Although foul play cannot be denied, authorities have stated that no arrests are expected to be made, as cases involving white Bic lighters are usually "far too complex" to handle, often times ending with almost everyone confused.

Alison Loadman's parents asked that this photograph not be used in today's article.

"She knew that death was coming for her," Wonderspoon cryptically added. "After she used that white Bic, things started to change. She started seeing things. Bad things. The kind of things that make you hide in the closet, only to be found later that night, all twisted and disfigured, with your eyes bulging out of the sockets like you just got squished in a vice."

Since the beginning of time, the "Curse of the White Bic" has plagued the minds of Quincy residents, causing some of them to lose their sanity altogether.

But these mythical stories of cursed Bic lighters are not the only pieces of folklore in the City of Presidents, as many other tales of spells and hexes have long since built up a backstory of occult happenings and mysterious incidents.

One of the more predominant legends in the area is the "Curse of the Black Family in Squantum," which, as legend states, involves a string of bad luck whenever there is more than one black resident at a time in that particular area of Quincy.

This, of course, has only come into effect one time, when the Carters, a black family from North Philadelphia, moved to the Squantum peninsula in 1976, causing the New England Patriots to lose the playoffs that year to the Oakland Raiders.

Darnell, Eunice, and Shé-Rhonda "Pooh Bear" Carter, before being run out of Squantum.

"It was only the second time the Patriots had ever made it that far," explained Bob Billingsworth, a wiry individual from Hospital Hill. "And we lost it all because of that one black family. I don't know how many times we have to go over this, a black family cannot live in Squantum. It upsets the balance of things. It causes hysteria. It's just not the way things go around here. It angers the gods."

It remains unclear at this time as to what gods Billingsworth was referring to.

Having been forced out of Squantum with pitchforks and torches, the Carters were said to have started a new life in the melting pot of West Quincy, where breadwinner Darnell Carter was eventually hired as a shop foreman at South Shore Bearing, only to be murdered during a routine mugging only a week later outside the Donut King on Copeland Avenue.

On the peninsula, the Carters were replaced almost immediately by the Hearn family, whose middle son, Jacia, wasted no time introducing the small, tighty-knit community to the Clash, changing the face of Squantum forever.

So far, the Bic Corporation has made no attempt to comment on this story.

Each day, hundreds of Bic lighters are purchased in the city of Quincy, a large percent of them being white. It is estimated that at least seventy-five percent of these are, at one point, used within the city limits. Unfortunately, there is no way to determine exactly how many deaths have been caused by these lighters, although experts assume this number to be in the double digits.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Quincy residents revolt against police department's new "no drunk driving" rule

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are up in arms over a brand new "no drunk driving" rule posted in front of the Quincy Police Department headquarters.

The Quincy Police Department, which has been known for creating and enforcing many bullshit rules in the past, has long since been considered an enemy of the partygoer, with some going as far as to call them derogatory names, such as "pig," "absolute piece of shit," and "Corruptimus Prime."

"So, I can't drink and drive anymore?" asked local shitbag, Calvin Crunk, last in the news after a sultry night at the Granite Rail nearly cost him the next thirty years of his life. "What am I supposed to do after a night of intense drinking, call a cab? I’m not made out of money.”

Crunk then passed out dead upon viewing his $700 worth of Michelob Ultra bar tab.

All throughout the city, residents of the Granite City are in an uproar over this new and seemingly meaningless law. In every liquor store and every seedy barroom, drinking enthusiasts are demanding answers, some of them even resorting to drinking twice as much to find them.

"The Quincy Police Department has finally gone too far," remarked Al Carter, a lifelong drug abuser from North Quincy. "If the cops around here wanna start making laws like this, it should be their responsibility to follow through with them. I shouldn't have to run around trying to find a ride home after the bar. If they don't want me driving home when I'm drunk, they should give me a ride. Until then, those motherfuckers can suck the fucking AIDS outta my dick."

Ironically, Carter was escorted in a police cruiser later that evening, where he was taken behind the George F. Bryan VFW Hall and beaten within an inch of his life.

"This isn't a new law," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic police officer who has yet to provide any relevant information to this past summer's Great One Killer murders. "It's just a new sign that we posted in front of the police station. If people are thinking that this law was never enforced before, they are seriously fucked."

Sociology experts throughout the South Shore are pleading with both City Hall and authorities to stop this madness before it goes any further, claiming a "no drunk driving" rule in Quincy would be an even larger mistake than the time Slapshot frontman, Jack "Choke" Kelly, teamed up with members of a notorious Compton rap act for the failed crossover track, "All Up on the Map (2 Typez of Hardcore)."

A press photo from the horribly named, short-lived supergroup, Niggaz With Hockey Stickz.

"My side project with N.W.A. was a mistake," Choke admitted. "I got a little caught up in the moment. I can admit that much. I know when I've fucked up."

As of now, authorities seem unwilling to comply with residents' demands, going as far as to deny meeting them in the middle by allowing them to drive home buzzed.

“Look, I know they need a scapegoat to blame all these horrific crashes on," said Chester Goon. "But there’s no need for it to be alcohol."

Goon, recently released from a year-long stint in MCI Concord for drunkenly crashing a helicopter on the way home from Malachy’s Pub, then cryptically added, “Something must be done. So we can live and see tomorrow.”

While the majority of Quincy citizens expressed disdain at the law, others were adamant that the change was for the better.

Marvin “Legz” Bonilla, of West Squantum Street, voted three times to pass the law. All three times, however, were considered to be “void," as the law had been in place for many years beforehand, and there was no legitimate vote regarding the issue anywhere in the city. It is still unclear where and how he was voting.

Bonilla, still enraged at drunk drivers for running over both of his legs, as well as up to four of his replacement legs, in separate incidents, demanded tougher drunk driving regulations by screaming at the top of his lungs for two days straight on the corner of Hancock and Billings Street. Sadly, his shrill voice distracted a local bar patron driving by at the unnecessary speed of 89-miles-per-hour to swerve onto the sidewalk, hitting Bonilla and killing him.

Officer Kip Macedonia-nuts declared him dead upon impact and arrested Waldo Bermuda of vehicular homicide. Macedonia-nuts and Bermuda were spotted mere minutes later swerving all over Quincy Shore Drive in matching shit-brown colored Lincoln Continentals.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Brian Dennehy signs deal to begin shooting action-packed adventure film in Quincy Center

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hollywood badass Brian Dennehy has announced that he will be filming what critics are already calling "the most dramatic movie ever filmed" in Quincy Center.

Dennehy, who is best known for his chilling portrayal as Big Tom Callahan in the Farley-Spade vehicle, Tommy Boy, as well his haunting reprisal as the ever-lovable cop-turned-private-detective, Leo McCarthy, in the sleeper hit, FX2: The Deadly Art of Illusion, is said to be "ecstatic" over this new opportunity, stating that it will be exactly what he needs in order to get out of a three-year employee contract at Sully's Spa, which the actor mistakenly signed earlier in the month.

The upcoming film, which will be titled Dramatico, is expected to begin filming in mid-March, and is already projected to bring thousands in revenue to the city.

"Brian Dennehy is one of the most intense actors of our time," Dennehy said, while piling a plate of mediocre pancakes into his mouth at the Early American on Hancock Street. "This movie is going to be filled with drama. It's going to be so dramatic, that even I will be at a loss for words while watching it. Do you remember that scene in Toy Soldiers where Sean Astin was late getting back to the cafeteria, and the terrorists were going to execute another kid because of his disappearance, but then, at the very last second, he returned, and they didn't end up killing anyone? Well, multiply that by a billion. No, two billion. No, forget it---let's be realistic here---keep it at one billion. That is how dramatic this movie is going to be."

It was revealed shortly after that Brian Dennehy has never actually seen Toy Soliders in it's entirety, although watches the infamous cafeteria scene daily.

The teaser poster for Dramatico, which received an R rating before filming even began.

All throughout the city, drama enthusiasts have joined forces, some of them even resorting to going out of their way to act more dramatically, as if by some form of viral marketing. With each passing day, the level of drama in the Granite City steadily increases, becoming more and more prevalent, paving way for what has become one of the most anticipated movies of the new decade.

"This movie is going to be insane," declared Martin "The Spartan" Tolhurst, a blind corner store clerk from Quincy Point, last in the news after an attempted joy ride in the Merrymount area ended with four dead and over a dozen severely injured. "From my understanding, the drama in this movie is gonna be so extreme, you'll literally be able to taste it. But, even if I'm unable to taste it, I'll still know that it's there."

Surveillance footage from Tolhurst's 2006 driving incident, for which he was acquited.

"People love Brian Dennehy movies," Dennehy added, as he devoured his third plate of pancakes, using his trademark, gold-plated serving spoon. "People like to be surprised, and that's exactly what I have to offer them. I have always been full of surprises. My movies are thrilling, thought-provoking, classic examples of true American cinema. With the exception of Summer Catch, every single one of my movies has been a giant box office smash. Or, at the very least, a direct-to-DVD flop. But they have all at least been something, no matter what they were."

Dennehy then casually tossed his serving spoon behind his back and proceeded to stare directly into the eyes of a seemingly random patron. Without hesitation, the patron instinctively began to vigorously tear giant hunks of flesh from her body, eventually collapsing on the floor and dying from massive blood loss.

The bleeding patron, who emergency medical technicians were unable to revive.

At this point, authorities have been unable to make any solid connection between Brian Dennehy and the death of this patron.

Quincy residents are asked to set aside the date of Saturday, February 20th, where select scenes from Dramatico will be acted out with hand puppets in the children's section of the Thomas Crane Public Library.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Canadian jokester spotted in outskirts of West Quincy, hundreds of residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Guy LeCumbre, a self-proclaimed "barrel of laughs" from Downtown Ottawa, was spotted in the outskirts of West Quincy yesterday evening, causing many residents of the area to break into an immediate state of mind-bending panic.

Canada, who, over the years, has given us a handful of entertainers, such as Leonard Cohen, John Candy, and, to a much lesser extent, the band Grade, has long since been a fairly problem-free neighbor of the United States.

Sporting a motorcycle helmet and closely trimmed beard, LeCumbre slithered through the city streets, making all those he came in contact with anxious and confused. Darting from sidewalk to sidewalk, LeCumbre bounced awkwardly throughout the otherwise peaceful neighborhood like a renegade pinball with no place to call home.

"I think it's fucking sick," said Sally Spoons, a lifelong Quincy native and die-hard xenophobe. "Canadian people don't belong in this city. Quincy is bad enough as it is, we don't need any free-thinking, denim-clad hockey fans running around, stirring up trouble and infecting the minds of our youth. I'm all set with that shit."

LeCumbre was last seen ice skating at Shea Rink on Willard Street, where his signature Senators jersey was said to have numerous mustard stains.

"Get him the fuck outta here," demanded Heather Wilder, a Whitman resident whose interests in Quincy are, at this time, unknown. "I don't care if you have to send him off in a train, dump him in the backseat of a cab, or physically put him in the desert on a horse with no name, but people like him don't belong in these parts. People like Guy LeCumbre are fuckin' creeps. If we start letting Canadians into Quincy, the next thing you know, this whole city is gonna be filled with Asians. And I don't think I need to tell you what'll happen in that case, but I got two words for ya: kung fuckin' fu."

It was later revealed that Quincy is, in fact, already filled with Asians.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Homeless all worked up over pending snowstorm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

As another snowstorm approaches, more complaints from the homeless community can be heard, some of them being even more annoying than you could imagine.

Everywhere you turn, it seems a homeless person has something to say. From "I'm cold," to "please feed me," to "I'm going to die," comments from the less fortunate spew out like a pool of rancid semen, becoming excruciatingly mundane, forcing Quincy residents to face a problem they would much rather ignore.

"Who gives a fuck how cold homeless people are?" asked Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from North Quincy. "Homeless people ruin everything."

Under the constant pressure of concerned citizens, Quincy Police have promised to keep the homeless hidden from the view of those who are conducting commerce in the city, as it is they who keep the economy flowing, forever feeding into its never-ending cycle of constant fluctuation.

"I pay my taxes just like everybody else," remarked Todd Fundersen, an out-of-work movie theatre attendant from the bad side of West Quincy. "There's two things in this world that I just can't stomach: college kids and homeless people. Neither of which contribute anything to society, whatsoever, I might add. It just seems like the homeless are always in need of something. What a bunch of needy bastards the needy can be. If they're not cold, they're hungry. If they're not hungry, they're cold. It just never seems to end with them. And then, if you're really unlucky, you get to be one of the unfortunate people that has the displeasure of watching them have homeless-sex next to Fratelli's Bakery. I don't know about you, but I don't exactly see myself being in the mood for a coffee and a fig square after I've seen some homeless lady's meat curtains wrapped around some dude's face."

Monday, February 8, 2010

Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local police officer Nico Haylen was caught red-handed this weekend, faking a disability in an effort to pick up ladies in the Boston Common, reports say.

Haylen, who is no stranger to making headlines, was last in the news after several failed attempts at jumping from the roof of Finian's to the roof of Firestone somehow ended with thirty-seven severely injured Komodo dragons.

With a rented wheelchair and a clean shave, Haylen cruised the Common, reeking of Clubman® brand after shave lotion, scented hand cream, and Binaca breath spray.

"I really thought he was disabled," complained Hillary Spellman, a vampire interviewer, who traveled from Spokane, Washington to finagle a bagel with friends. "He told me that his legs didn't work because he was crushed by a shipping container while defending the honor of his neighborhood sweetheart. How was I supposed to know that wasn't true? Who would actually make something like that up? That's so horrible. What an absolute sociopath, huh? I honestly can't even believe that he's an officer of the law. That just baffles me to no end. He promised me he'd take me to a Bane show, too. Are they even a band anymore?"

While Haylen refused to comment on the allegations made against him, surveillance footage from the South Quincy 7-Eleven clearly shows him dancing the "running man" only three days prior.

"He seemed really nice," remarked Sally McAlpine, another victim of Haylen's weekend antics. "He told me he could get me backstage at the next Earth Crisis show. He said that he gets into every show for free because he lost the use of his legs during one of their infamous mosh pits. And then, from out of nowhere, Mike Beaudet from Fox 25 came up to us and started antagonizing him about faking injuries. I got really defensive at first, until I saw Nico get out of his wheelchair and start running away. I guess I won't be going to that Earth Crisis show."

Friday, February 5, 2010

The true story about what happened at North Quincy High on that otherwise insignificant day

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The details behind Wednesday's shooting on Hunt Street are unfolding throughout the city, weaving a blanket of mystery and mayhem, creating a blend of corruption and betrayal, which seeps into the minds of all, marinating in it's own natural juices.

Everywhere you turn, the story is there, constantly changing, becoming something more, something different, plagued by the lies and exaggerations of all.

But now, hear the true story, as it actually happened, here on the Scallion.

"It was just like any other day," said North Quincy Jones, a neighborhood leader from Newbury Avenue. "It was one of those days that feels no different than any other day before it. The kind of day where there's a slight chill in the air, but no more or less than any other day. Who would have known that, when all was said and done, it would be the day my thoughts turned to murder?"

Jones then went on to describe thousands of insane details about how that day inevitably became very different than any other day he had experienced before.

"That's when we knew that we had to assemble a team of assassins," Jones continued, after cryptically informing Scallion reporters about each factor and event that built up the intense backstory to the shooting. "So, we formed an army out of all the Red Raiders football players we could find, and we got 'em all hopped up on the caffeine. Then, we just positioned ourselves around Kim Market and guarded the area in case those D.C. hardcore kids arrived. And there was nothing left to do at that point but wait. And we all know how that goes, don't we?"

It should be noted that Jones had previously informed the Scallion about a long-running feud between North Quincy residents and the Washington D.C. hardcore scene, as well as an incident, which had been covered by the Scallion, where vandals attacked Kim Market two weekends ago.

The NQHS Red Raiders, preparing for battle against the D.C. hardcore scene.

“The moon was cold that night, my friends,” responded Shang Tsung, co-owner of Kim Market, to a question no one asked. “Cold and dead as an old bone.”

Tsung, last in the news after his store’s high prices caused a massive brawl between international Hot Pocket consumers, witnessed the violence through the Kim Market window. He recounted what he saw, leaning against his store’s brick wall at an awkward 65 degree angle and smoking a corn cob pipe down to it’s filter.

“There was a lot of kids from the neighborhood gathering outside my store," he added. "I knew something was going to happen. It was the calm before the storm. Then, using a pair of high-powered binoculars, I spotted someone getting off the train wearing an S.O.A. shirt. I knew shit was about to get serious.”

At that exact moment, a bald eagle zoomed past Kim Market, snatching Tsung’s toupee from his head and flying directly towards the Sun. Coincidence? Or something more? No one was willing to say.

A suspect who was taken in for questioning because of his Government Issue shirt.

"I can tell you exactly how this whole thing went down," claimed Hunter Fields, the only Quincy resident who is allergic to nature.

Fields then dropped to his knees and began bleeding profusely from every orifice, as the overbearing forces of nature had become too much for his body to bear. Some say he was dead before he even hit the ground. Others say after.

And all throughout North Quincy, the only thing that was completely sure is that nothing was what it seemed. And the only thing that was what it seemed was the fact that nothing was completely sure. It was an air of mystery that was felt by all, until a fateful moment where time seemed to pause and the laws of gravity no longer applied, creating an uncanny aura that was somewhat peaceful, almost calm.

"There was nothing any of us could do," remarked Mike Triangle, a former North Quincy High School student, who prefers boneless buffalo chicken over pan-fried vegetables. "We tried to stop the madness, but it was just too intense. You must believe me. I would never lie about these particular events I am about to describe."

Triangle then went on to explain exactly what happened, leaving out no details.

"That was the night everything changed," Triangle concluded, as his words synchronized perfectly with those from the GZA's "Liquid Swords," which could be heard faintly in the distance through a nearby neighbor's Bose speaker system.

Police maintained order by repeatedly spraying a high-powered fire hose at any group of more than three people who congregated within range of the area. Officer Bob Cop refused to answer further questions about the incident, only saying that “Quincy Police are shocked at what happened and will do everything in their power to make sure it doesn’t happen again."

Cop then raised his standard-issue pistol to his head and blew his brains out on the sidewalk, as the horror of a society that could produce such an atrocious event was simply too much for his feeble mind to take.

Hunt Street resident and father of none, Matthew Bread, vowed to form some sort of crude vigilante group to ensure the safety of his neighborhood, but was later distracted by a bag of unopened Planters Peanuts.

His account of the incident was chilling. “It was chilling,” spoke Bread, who had never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in his life. “I’ve never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in my life.”

Matthew Bread, putting on a big show for the camera as he tries to work a movie deal.

"D.C. hardcore can eat my fucking ass," barked Kevin McGrounds, a passing tourist from Michigan. "D.C. hardcore might as well be fucking emo. And it's probably to blame for emo, too. Fuck that whiny bullshit. And fuck Ian MacKaye, while I'm at it. If they wanna come up here and start shit---if that is what really happened---then I'll back this city one hundred percent. If it's what it takes, I'm ready to fight."

No matter whose account of the story you choose to believe, or what you think may have happened, the facts that have been provided to you cannot be denied. And you heard it here first, each detail being more true than the last, yet, at the same time, more true than the detail to follow. Stay tuned for the most accurate and meaningful updates on this story, which will be made available as they unfold.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Local man arrested for attacking clown on MBTA

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man was arrested yesterday for attacking a well-known entertainer on the MBTA in what authorities are calling a most gruesome and aggressive act.

Authorities arrested Ricky McClassic, an unemployed socialite from Quincy Point, after receiving several complaints about fighting on board a Red Line train.

Eyewitnesses reported absolute mayhem as McClassic got into a heated argument with Curtley Smithers, who is better known by his stage name, Eastcide the Clown.

"Those two were really going at it," claimed Art Forsaile, a frequent passenger of the Red Line. "At first, I thought they were only half-serious. They were fighting like how best friends and brothers fight. They were arguing about which Brando movie was better, Viva Zapata! or Superman, and shit just started to get ugly from there."

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Forsaile continued. "Then, all of the sudden, that McClassic kid got up out of his seat and started to punch the clown. Right in the back of the neck, too. It was a grim scene, to say the least."

As reported, the fallout between the two passengers started over what appeared to be a minor disagreement, although those who are "in the know" seemed to come to their own conclusions, some of them even claiming that the feud was long overdue.

"Those two definitely knew each other," claimed Johnny Crumbfoot, an aspiring blackbelt from Wollaston, last in the news after accidentally purchasing an XXL turtleneck for Mayor Koch, who is a borderline midget. "There was hatred in that dude's eyes. This was definitely not the first time these two had met. There was no hesitation, no regret. He fucked that clown up so bad, his ring left a huge incision on his forehead. I've never seen anybody as angry as that McClassic guy was, it was insane. If anything in life is guaranteed, that kid never asked to be born!"

Eastcide the Clown, just days before receiving a most ruthless ass whooping.

"At this point, we are considering this to be an isolated incident," said Raymond "Mass Bay Ray" Feinstein, a spokesman for the MBTA. "The Red Line is a place for safe and convenient travel with friends, family, and loved ones. It's not some fancy brawl park, or some crazy league of pain. This is one solitary event, which in no way has any bearing on how one should look at the MBTA as a whole."

Eastcide the Clown has been reported to be in stable condition at Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "absolutely hilarious" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw upon arrival. No further information on his status is known.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

North Quincy residents attempt to overcome embarrassingly low 3-per-year murder rate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A young man was arrested just a few blocks away from a shooting outside North Quincy High School today, causing a general sense of panic to fill the streets.

The shooting took place around 3:30PM on Hunt Street, just outside the entrance to the North Quincy High School gymnasium.

It is an area of Quincy that has seen far too much action over the past couple weeks, as an unknown culprit had spray painted the words "Stay Free" on the outside wall of Kim Market just two weekends ago.

According to Quincy Police Chief John Kennan, the victim was a 16-year-old male.

As reported, the victim was shot in the leg and taken by ambulance to Boston Medical Center, where it is expected that he will receive a robotically operated transplant, built to withstand almost anything, including a nuclear holocaust.

Loose-lipped witnesses stated that they saw a man run into a house a few blocks away from the shooting, where Quincy Police eventually apprehended a suspect who had been hiding in a basement, most likely pretending to be a human furnace.

The suspected gunman was then loaded into a police car like a sack of potatoes and taken in for questioning, where we can most likely assume that he started singing like Lady Gaga at the fucking Grammy Awards.

The identity of the person arrested was not immediately known.

The suspected shooter, wondering if he's going to end up in South Bay or Dedham.

"It's a fucking war zone out there," claimed Jethro Crull, a former employee of the North Quincy Hess gas station. "That kid is lucky he only got shot in the leg. So much better than the face. First, there's kids spray painting on Hunt Street. After that, we have a shooting. What's next, a Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza reunion? This city is brewing with hatred right now, and I don't wanna be here when it erupts. You heard it here first. This city is ready to fucking explode!"

Squantum's new television pilot to air next Thursday night on Quincy Access Television

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A new television pilot about the Squantum section of Quincy is set to air next Thursday night on Quincy Access Television.

The television series, which will be named Squantum Leap, will feature Squantum's own Matty Screwzlik as Dr. Leo Marvin, a scientist who becomes lost in time following a botched experiment.

There is no word yet on if the lead character has anything to do with the Dr. Leo Marvin from Bill Murray's hilarious action-adventure, What About Bob?, although it is expected to be merely a coincidence.

Also on the list of regulars is Squantum's unofficial mayor, Jacia Hearn, who will co-star as Al, Leo's womanizing, acid-dropping sidekick and best friend, who will appear to Leo as a hologram that only he and a select group of people can see.

Matty Screwzlik and Jacia Hearn, who will head the cast in QATV's Squantum Leap.

"We have a lot of really great ideas for this show," remarked executive producer Jemma Hanshee, who co-wrote the script. "The entire pilot is going to be about how Dr. Leo Marvin gets lost in time after a science experiment goes wrong, and the only thing left for him to do is to just keep bouncing around through different times, trying to have sex with every Squantum girl that ever existed. This is really original stuff. To my knowledge, nobody has ever even attempted to film a show like this."

But the new television show is not without controversy, as a scene where Dr. Leo Marvin tries to convince a young girl to let him use a "Clash City Rockers" 7-inch as a condom has many parents on edge.

"We don't need television programs like this on public access," barked Mary Ellen Bellevue, a part-time Avon saleswoman and former owner of Bellevue Road. "It's hard enough raising three daughters in this world. I really don't need a half dozen grandchildren running around my house because my whore kids were under the impression that it was okay to have unprotected sex, just because some piece of shit Squantum kid says he'll stick his dick through a fucking Clash single."

Quincy Access Television has so far made no public apology in regards to Mrs. Bellevue's concerns, although did promise to send her a Delicious Daisy® bouquet from Edible Arrangements if she promised to keep any future comments to herself.

Squantum Leap will air next Thursday at 8:00PM on Quincy Access Television.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Hollywood boy-toy Brian Dennehy swindled into exclusive three-year contract with Sully's Spa

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Brian Dennehy, best known for his gritty performance as veteran officer Jasper O'Shea in the 2005 remake of Assault on Precinct 13, has reportedly been duped into signing an exclusive, three-year contract with Sully's Spa.

The contract, which excludes Dennehy from working on any other projects until February of 2013, requires the actor to be present during all hours of business, where he will be required to carry out "miscellaneous tasks" throughout each shift.

"There's gotta be a way out of this," exclaimed Dennehy, as he prepared to perform a juggling act at the request of a homeless alcoholic. "This can't be real."

Dennehy, who is said to have signed the contract on a whim, claims he was under the impression that he was signing a deal to perform at the Goodman Theatre, the oldest currently-active theatre in Chicago's Loop.

The Goodman Theatre, whose vertical neon sign looks very much like the sign at Sully's.

"I was led to believe that I was signing a contract to perform The Tragedy of Macbeth at the Goodman Theatre," Dennehy explained. "I would never have signed that contract if I had actually read it. It's not even a paying gig. I'm literally gonna be working seven days a week for the next three years without even getting paid for it. I don't even know if that's legal. And I bet you anything that it isn't."

Dennehy, who later discovered that the contract was not only legal, but impenetrable, has already prepared to sell his ownership in The Brian Dennehy Collection, an assortment of seemingly random collectibles, which have been tagged with the Brian Dennehy name.

Having a brief stint in popularity, The Brian Dennehy Collection has since become a staple at clearance stores, such as Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and AJ Wright.

"The Brian Dennehy Collection was a bunch of crap," remarked Ken Flopp, a known creep from Adams Shore. "Anything and everything was part of that collection. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Every time Dennehy got a few pops in him, he'd name something else a part of his collection. It was absurd. It started out as just kitchen plates and clothing, but then, after a while, it got insane. Take a look at the later portion of the catalogue. There's a used Styrofoam coffee cup in there, a couple of old tampon applicators, and a 1999 Ford Ranger. Have fun trying to get a 1999 Ford Ranger through the aisles at a TJ Maxx."

Sully's Spa, who recently celebrated their 75th anniversary in the Granite City.

"Somebody has to help me," Dennehy pleaded, as he relacquered the three-lane bowling alley in the basement level of Sully's. "I have no money, I'm under the constant pressure of an overbearing waitstaff, and I'm fed nothing but Wollaston Beach clams. These people can't treat me like this. I'm Brian Dennehy. I was the sheriff in the first Rambo movie, for Christ's sake! Somebody has to do something about this before it gets outta hand."

Dennehy later claimed that the long hours and lack of pay were taking a physical toll on him, as well, stating that another week would surely be the death of him.

Brian Dennehy, looking a little rough after a long shift at Sully's.

"There's no getting out of this contract," explained Ronaldo "Sully" Sullivan, an absolute sick-as-fuck bowler, who co-owns the establishment. "Brian Dennehy is ours to do with as we see fit, at least for the next three years. If he even lasts that long, that is. We've already forced him to drink over thirty shots of urine, had heroin addicts wipe their asses with his face, and tricked him into eating a dozen deviled eggs, which had been sitting on the shelf since the Reagan Administration. The guy is an idiot. And I intend on reminding him of that fact every five minutes."