Thursday, February 25, 2010

Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market relocated to Hough's Neck, Craigslist Killer among leading suspects

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Market, the historic building near Faneuil Hall in Downtown Boston, was relocated to the Hough's Neck section of Quincy last night.

While Faneuil Hall has yet to make any official comment on the matter, it remains an excellent location for suburban whores and douchebags to waste their entire paychecks doing the exact same thing they could have done in their own town, all while unnecessarily dressing up, as if there is actually something classy about assimilating yourself into a lifestyle of shitty music, unwarranted cover charges, overpriced mixed drinks, and inevitable date rape.

Authorities discovered this unexpected occurrence when they received an anonymous tip that an out-of-place building had been spotted on Labrecque Field.

"As soon as I saw that building, I knew it didn't belong there," said Rodney Jefferson, the Hough's Neck resident who placed the anonymous call. "I've always had a very keen eye for detail. I tend to notice things that others might miss."

Hough’s Neck Neighborhood Watch founder, Ernie Spindoctor, alerted several members of the community to the building after Mr. Jefferson’s observation.

“Nothing gets by Rodney," Spindoctor said. "He was right on the ball this time. I know for a damn fact that building did not occupy that space yesterday. I spent the better part of my lunch hour flying a model airplane around in that field. How could I have done that if Faneuil Hall was there?”

Calmly chewing an entire pack of Wrigley’s brand gum, wrappers and all, Spindoctor fumbled for the right way to address the situation.

“The fact is, I couldn’t," he added. "You see, I don’t know if you know this, but model airplanes don’t lie. They cannot fly through buildings, historical or not. They are the ultimate test of what is real on this Earth. You think I enjoy skipping lunch and flying those damn things? Not for one minute. I do it to prove a point.”

As to what point Mr. Spindoctor was trying to prove, it remains unclear.

Acting on a hunch, Quincy Police interrogated Philip "The Craigslist Killer" Markoff, who, according to reports, claimed to be in prison at the time of the relocation, making it virtually impossible for him to be involved.

"It's all pretty convenient," said Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy Police Department's 37th best looking employee, not including mechanics, part-time volunteers, or custodians. "A little too convenient, if you ask me."

The Craigslist Killer, who denied any involvement in this crime.

Although common sense tells us that Markoff could not have been responsible for the relocation of Quincy Market, many residents still believe that he is.

"Ever since that kid came to Quincy, it's been fucking chaos," claimed Sally Cider, a spicy little biscuit from Adams Shore. "We don't need people like the Craigslist Killer in our city. Before he came here, this city was beautiful. We oughta stick that kid in one of those piece of shit towns off of Route 24, like Taunton or Bridgewater. That'd be a good punishment. Let's see how long he can handle living among those toothless bastards with their 1985 IROC-Z Camaros and those ladies with acid washed jeans, hi-top Reeboks, and unflicked cigarettes. If you ask me, that's a fine punishment."

At this time, there is still absolutely no evidence of Markoff's involvement.

When reached for comment, Zander Bellacherbo, an 89-year-
old nursing home resident with very little knowledge of the incident, would only cryptically add that he had "very little knowledge of the incident.”

While Philip Markoff awaits further interrogation as to his alleged involvement in the Quincy Market switcheroo, many wonder what could possibly happen next.

Speculation abounds on the subject, with wild theories circumventing the area that this is just the beginning of famous landmarks appearing in Hough’s Neck.

Odds-makers, operating illegally out of resident Larry “Chin Music” Hyland’s basement, say the leading bet is a 2-to-1 shot of the Notre Dame Cathedral appearing somewhere on Sea Street before the end of April. If the stunning example of French architecture is found on the even-numbered side of the street, the payout will be quite handsome, indeed.

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