Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Hollywood badass Brian Dennehy has announced that he will be filming what critics are already calling "the most dramatic movie ever filmed" in Quincy Center.
Dennehy, who is best known for his chilling portrayal as Big Tom Callahan in the Farley-Spade vehicle, Tommy Boy, as well his haunting reprisal as the ever-lovable cop-turned-private-detective, Leo McCarthy, in the sleeper hit, FX2: The Deadly Art of Illusion, is said to be "ecstatic" over this new opportunity, stating that it will be exactly what he needs in order to get out of a three-year employee contract at Sully's Spa, which the actor mistakenly signed earlier in the month.
The upcoming film, which will be titled Dramatico, is expected to begin filming in mid-March, and is already projected to bring thousands in revenue to the city.
"Brian Dennehy is one of the most intense actors of our time," Dennehy said, while piling a plate of mediocre pancakes into his mouth at the Early American on Hancock Street. "This movie is going to be filled with drama. It's going to be so dramatic, that even I will be at a loss for words while watching it. Do you remember that scene in Toy Soldiers where Sean Astin was late getting back to the cafeteria, and the terrorists were going to execute another kid because of his disappearance, but then, at the very last second, he returned, and they didn't end up killing anyone? Well, multiply that by a billion. No, two billion. No, forget it---let's be realistic here---keep it at one billion. That is how dramatic this movie is going to be."
It was revealed shortly after that Brian Dennehy has never actually seen Toy Soliders in it's entirety, although watches the infamous cafeteria scene daily.
The teaser poster for Dramatico, which received an R rating before filming even began.
All throughout the city, drama enthusiasts have joined forces, some of them even resorting to going out of their way to act more dramatically, as if by some form of viral marketing. With each passing day, the level of drama in the Granite City steadily increases, becoming more and more prevalent, paving way for what has become one of the most anticipated movies of the new decade.
"This movie is going to be insane," declared Martin "The Spartan" Tolhurst, a blind corner store clerk from Quincy Point, last in the news after an attempted joy ride in the Merrymount area ended with four dead and over a dozen severely injured. "From my understanding, the drama in this movie is gonna be so extreme, you'll literally be able to taste it. But, even if I'm unable to taste it, I'll still know that it's there."
Surveillance footage from Tolhurst's 2006 driving incident, for which he was acquited.
"People love Brian Dennehy movies," Dennehy added, as he devoured his third plate of pancakes, using his trademark, gold-plated serving spoon. "People like to be surprised, and that's exactly what I have to offer them. I have always been full of surprises. My movies are thrilling, thought-provoking, classic examples of true American cinema. With the exception of Summer Catch, every single one of my movies has been a giant box office smash. Or, at the very least, a direct-to-DVD flop. But they have all at least been something, no matter what they were."
Dennehy then casually tossed his serving spoon behind his back and proceeded to stare directly into the eyes of a seemingly random patron. Without hesitation, the patron instinctively began to vigorously tear giant hunks of flesh from her body, eventually collapsing on the floor and dying from massive blood loss.
The bleeding patron, who emergency medical technicians were unable to revive.
At this point, authorities have been unable to make any solid connection between Brian Dennehy and the death of this patron.
Quincy residents are asked to set aside the date of Saturday, February 20th, where select scenes from Dramatico will be acted out with hand puppets in the children's section of the Thomas Crane Public Library.
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