Monday, February 22, 2010

Last man on Earth comes to horrifying realization

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tim Johnbone, self proclaimed "last man on Earth," discovered the terrifying truth of things after spending the better part of last Saturday wandering the streets of Quincy in a desperate attempt to survive the end of days.

Johnbone, a travel agent from North Quincy, with a $20-a-year rice pudding habit, awoke at 2:00pm to find that his house, and then, upon further inspection, entire neighborhood, had been deserted.

Being no stranger to bizarre occurrences, Johnbone immediately came to the realization that he was the sole survivor in a post-apocalyptic world.

After inspecting both Merrymount Park and the Marine Corps League Post, Johnbone felt that his suspicions had been confirmed, causing him to head north and search throughout the capital city, where he expected to find more of the same.

"I have stared into the eyes of isolation," Johnbone stated on his Twitter account. "I have been put on a path that leads to a desolate demise, but I have accepted this without a second thought or hesitation. I have looked deep into the abyss. I have searched high and low for signs---any sign---that humanity continues on, but I have found none. I have come to the cold and dark conclusion that I am alone in this world. Forgive me, God, for I have indulged myself with more of life than was given to any other man. And I shall suffer here for as long as you see fit, alone and cursed to damnation. And I shall do so without question, as I know that it is your will."

A photograph of Merrymount Park, which was taken by Johnbone on that fateful day.

"It was definitely very strange that nobody was out that day," admitted local sports fan Vern Green. "You don't really see that too often, I'll give him that. As to why this Johnbone kid would come to the conclusion that he was the last person on Earth, though, I have no idea. Maybe he's overly-dramatic, who knows? Maybe he's just not too bright. Honestly, I can't really say. I don't personally know the guy."

It was later revealed that almost all residents of the Greater Boston area were merely watching two homeless men fight behind Sozio Furniture in Neponset Circle, where Father Bill's Place regulars, John "Heroin Dude" Tucker and Tito "The Fake Indian" Guadalupe, fought an epic, drunken mixed martial arts battle.


lenny the doosh said...

Who one the fight? My money is on the the indian! Have you ever seen "Coo Coo's Nest"? That savage ripped the damn sink right off the floor!

Beak Wilder said...

As far as I know, Tito is undefeated.

lenny the doosh said...