Friday, February 5, 2010

The true story about what happened at North Quincy High on that otherwise insignificant day

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The details behind Wednesday's shooting on Hunt Street are unfolding throughout the city, weaving a blanket of mystery and mayhem, creating a blend of corruption and betrayal, which seeps into the minds of all, marinating in it's own natural juices.

Everywhere you turn, the story is there, constantly changing, becoming something more, something different, plagued by the lies and exaggerations of all.

But now, hear the true story, as it actually happened, here on the Scallion.

"It was just like any other day," said North Quincy Jones, a neighborhood leader from Newbury Avenue. "It was one of those days that feels no different than any other day before it. The kind of day where there's a slight chill in the air, but no more or less than any other day. Who would have known that, when all was said and done, it would be the day my thoughts turned to murder?"

Jones then went on to describe thousands of insane details about how that day inevitably became very different than any other day he had experienced before.

"That's when we knew that we had to assemble a team of assassins," Jones continued, after cryptically informing Scallion reporters about each factor and event that built up the intense backstory to the shooting. "So, we formed an army out of all the Red Raiders football players we could find, and we got 'em all hopped up on the caffeine. Then, we just positioned ourselves around Kim Market and guarded the area in case those D.C. hardcore kids arrived. And there was nothing left to do at that point but wait. And we all know how that goes, don't we?"

It should be noted that Jones had previously informed the Scallion about a long-running feud between North Quincy residents and the Washington D.C. hardcore scene, as well as an incident, which had been covered by the Scallion, where vandals attacked Kim Market two weekends ago.

The NQHS Red Raiders, preparing for battle against the D.C. hardcore scene.

“The moon was cold that night, my friends,” responded Shang Tsung, co-owner of Kim Market, to a question no one asked. “Cold and dead as an old bone.”

Tsung, last in the news after his store’s high prices caused a massive brawl between international Hot Pocket consumers, witnessed the violence through the Kim Market window. He recounted what he saw, leaning against his store’s brick wall at an awkward 65 degree angle and smoking a corn cob pipe down to it’s filter.

“There was a lot of kids from the neighborhood gathering outside my store," he added. "I knew something was going to happen. It was the calm before the storm. Then, using a pair of high-powered binoculars, I spotted someone getting off the train wearing an S.O.A. shirt. I knew shit was about to get serious.”

At that exact moment, a bald eagle zoomed past Kim Market, snatching Tsung’s toupee from his head and flying directly towards the Sun. Coincidence? Or something more? No one was willing to say.

A suspect who was taken in for questioning because of his Government Issue shirt.

"I can tell you exactly how this whole thing went down," claimed Hunter Fields, the only Quincy resident who is allergic to nature.

Fields then dropped to his knees and began bleeding profusely from every orifice, as the overbearing forces of nature had become too much for his body to bear. Some say he was dead before he even hit the ground. Others say after.

And all throughout North Quincy, the only thing that was completely sure is that nothing was what it seemed. And the only thing that was what it seemed was the fact that nothing was completely sure. It was an air of mystery that was felt by all, until a fateful moment where time seemed to pause and the laws of gravity no longer applied, creating an uncanny aura that was somewhat peaceful, almost calm.

"There was nothing any of us could do," remarked Mike Triangle, a former North Quincy High School student, who prefers boneless buffalo chicken over pan-fried vegetables. "We tried to stop the madness, but it was just too intense. You must believe me. I would never lie about these particular events I am about to describe."

Triangle then went on to explain exactly what happened, leaving out no details.

"That was the night everything changed," Triangle concluded, as his words synchronized perfectly with those from the GZA's "Liquid Swords," which could be heard faintly in the distance through a nearby neighbor's Bose speaker system.

Police maintained order by repeatedly spraying a high-powered fire hose at any group of more than three people who congregated within range of the area. Officer Bob Cop refused to answer further questions about the incident, only saying that “Quincy Police are shocked at what happened and will do everything in their power to make sure it doesn’t happen again."

Cop then raised his standard-issue pistol to his head and blew his brains out on the sidewalk, as the horror of a society that could produce such an atrocious event was simply too much for his feeble mind to take.

Hunt Street resident and father of none, Matthew Bread, vowed to form some sort of crude vigilante group to ensure the safety of his neighborhood, but was later distracted by a bag of unopened Planters Peanuts.

His account of the incident was chilling. “It was chilling,” spoke Bread, who had never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in his life. “I’ve never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in my life.”

Matthew Bread, putting on a big show for the camera as he tries to work a movie deal.

"D.C. hardcore can eat my fucking ass," barked Kevin McGrounds, a passing tourist from Michigan. "D.C. hardcore might as well be fucking emo. And it's probably to blame for emo, too. Fuck that whiny bullshit. And fuck Ian MacKaye, while I'm at it. If they wanna come up here and start shit---if that is what really happened---then I'll back this city one hundred percent. If it's what it takes, I'm ready to fight."

No matter whose account of the story you choose to believe, or what you think may have happened, the facts that have been provided to you cannot be denied. And you heard it here first, each detail being more true than the last, yet, at the same time, more true than the detail to follow. Stay tuned for the most accurate and meaningful updates on this story, which will be made available as they unfold.

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