Thursday, February 18, 2010

Quincy residents revolt against police department's new "no drunk driving" rule

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are up in arms over a brand new "no drunk driving" rule posted in front of the Quincy Police Department headquarters.

The Quincy Police Department, which has been known for creating and enforcing many bullshit rules in the past, has long since been considered an enemy of the partygoer, with some going as far as to call them derogatory names, such as "pig," "absolute piece of shit," and "Corruptimus Prime."

"So, I can't drink and drive anymore?" asked local shitbag, Calvin Crunk, last in the news after a sultry night at the Granite Rail nearly cost him the next thirty years of his life. "What am I supposed to do after a night of intense drinking, call a cab? I’m not made out of money.”

Crunk then passed out dead upon viewing his $700 worth of Michelob Ultra bar tab.

All throughout the city, residents of the Granite City are in an uproar over this new and seemingly meaningless law. In every liquor store and every seedy barroom, drinking enthusiasts are demanding answers, some of them even resorting to drinking twice as much to find them.

"The Quincy Police Department has finally gone too far," remarked Al Carter, a lifelong drug abuser from North Quincy. "If the cops around here wanna start making laws like this, it should be their responsibility to follow through with them. I shouldn't have to run around trying to find a ride home after the bar. If they don't want me driving home when I'm drunk, they should give me a ride. Until then, those motherfuckers can suck the fucking AIDS outta my dick."

Ironically, Carter was escorted in a police cruiser later that evening, where he was taken behind the George F. Bryan VFW Hall and beaten within an inch of his life.

"This isn't a new law," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic police officer who has yet to provide any relevant information to this past summer's Great One Killer murders. "It's just a new sign that we posted in front of the police station. If people are thinking that this law was never enforced before, they are seriously fucked."

Sociology experts throughout the South Shore are pleading with both City Hall and authorities to stop this madness before it goes any further, claiming a "no drunk driving" rule in Quincy would be an even larger mistake than the time Slapshot frontman, Jack "Choke" Kelly, teamed up with members of a notorious Compton rap act for the failed crossover track, "All Up on the Map (2 Typez of Hardcore)."

A press photo from the horribly named, short-lived supergroup, Niggaz With Hockey Stickz.

"My side project with N.W.A. was a mistake," Choke admitted. "I got a little caught up in the moment. I can admit that much. I know when I've fucked up."

As of now, authorities seem unwilling to comply with residents' demands, going as far as to deny meeting them in the middle by allowing them to drive home buzzed.

“Look, I know they need a scapegoat to blame all these horrific crashes on," said Chester Goon. "But there’s no need for it to be alcohol."

Goon, recently released from a year-long stint in MCI Concord for drunkenly crashing a helicopter on the way home from Malachy’s Pub, then cryptically added, “Something must be done. So we can live and see tomorrow.”

While the majority of Quincy citizens expressed disdain at the law, others were adamant that the change was for the better.

Marvin “Legz” Bonilla, of West Squantum Street, voted three times to pass the law. All three times, however, were considered to be “void," as the law had been in place for many years beforehand, and there was no legitimate vote regarding the issue anywhere in the city. It is still unclear where and how he was voting.

Bonilla, still enraged at drunk drivers for running over both of his legs, as well as up to four of his replacement legs, in separate incidents, demanded tougher drunk driving regulations by screaming at the top of his lungs for two days straight on the corner of Hancock and Billings Street. Sadly, his shrill voice distracted a local bar patron driving by at the unnecessary speed of 89-miles-per-hour to swerve onto the sidewalk, hitting Bonilla and killing him.

Officer Kip Macedonia-nuts declared him dead upon impact and arrested Waldo Bermuda of vehicular homicide. Macedonia-nuts and Bermuda were spotted mere minutes later swerving all over Quincy Shore Drive in matching shit-brown colored Lincoln Continentals.

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