Monday, February 8, 2010

Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local police officer Nico Haylen was caught red-handed this weekend, faking a disability in an effort to pick up ladies in the Boston Common, reports say.

Haylen, who is no stranger to making headlines, was last in the news after several failed attempts at jumping from the roof of Finian's to the roof of Firestone somehow ended with thirty-seven severely injured Komodo dragons.

With a rented wheelchair and a clean shave, Haylen cruised the Common, reeking of Clubman® brand after shave lotion, scented hand cream, and Binaca breath spray.

"I really thought he was disabled," complained Hillary Spellman, a vampire interviewer, who traveled from Spokane, Washington to finagle a bagel with friends. "He told me that his legs didn't work because he was crushed by a shipping container while defending the honor of his neighborhood sweetheart. How was I supposed to know that wasn't true? Who would actually make something like that up? That's so horrible. What an absolute sociopath, huh? I honestly can't even believe that he's an officer of the law. That just baffles me to no end. He promised me he'd take me to a Bane show, too. Are they even a band anymore?"

While Haylen refused to comment on the allegations made against him, surveillance footage from the South Quincy 7-Eleven clearly shows him dancing the "running man" only three days prior.

"He seemed really nice," remarked Sally McAlpine, another victim of Haylen's weekend antics. "He told me he could get me backstage at the next Earth Crisis show. He said that he gets into every show for free because he lost the use of his legs during one of their infamous mosh pits. And then, from out of nowhere, Mike Beaudet from Fox 25 came up to us and started antagonizing him about faking injuries. I got really defensive at first, until I saw Nico get out of his wheelchair and start running away. I guess I won't be going to that Earth Crisis show."


Anonymous said...

Beak; When are you going to start writing/editing for the Weekly Dig? You're writing/editing is head and shoulders above their best.

t said...

Ive been saying that since What Beakey learned this weekend. So agreed Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

yeah man, you are gonna do well..this website is fuckin hillarious..keep up the good work