The Quincy Scallion: Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

Monday, February 8, 2010

Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local police officer Nico Haylen was caught red-handed this weekend, faking a disability in an effort to pick up ladies in the Boston Common, reports say.

Haylen, who is no stranger to making headlines, was last in the news after several failed attempts at jumping from the roof of Finian's to the roof of Firestone somehow ended with thirty-seven severely injured Komodo dragons.

With a rented wheelchair and a clean shave, Haylen cruised the Common, reeking of Clubman® brand after shave lotion, scented hand cream, and Binaca breath spray.

"I really thought he was disabled," complained Hillary Spellman, a vampire interviewer, who traveled from Spokane, Washington to finagle a bagel with friends. "He told me that his legs didn't work because he was crushed by a shipping container while defending the honor of his neighborhood sweetheart. How was I supposed to know that wasn't true? Who would actually make something like that up? That's so horrible. What an absolute sociopath, huh? I honestly can't even believe that he's an officer of the law. That just baffles me to no end. He promised me he'd take me to a Bane show, too. Are they even a band anymore?"

While Haylen refused to comment on the allegations made against him, surveillance footage from the South Quincy 7-Eleven clearly shows him dancing the "running man" only three days prior.

"He seemed really nice," remarked Sally McAlpine, another victim of Haylen's weekend antics. "He told me he could get me backstage at the next Earth Crisis show. He said that he gets into every show for free because he lost the use of his legs during one of their infamous mosh pits. And then, from out of nowhere, Mike Beaudet from Fox 25 came up to us and started antagonizing him about faking injuries. I got really defensive at first, until I saw Nico get out of his wheelchair and start running away. I guess I won't be going to that Earth Crisis show."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: Beak; When are you going to start writing/editing for the Weekly Dig? You're writing/editing is head and shoulders above their best.
BD; February 11, 2010 at 1:29 PM
t said...: Ive been saying that since What Beakey learned this weekend. So agreed Anonymous.; February 12, 2010 at 7:04 PM
Anonymous said...: yeah man, you are gonna do well..this website is fuckin hillarious..keep up the good work; February 13, 2010 at 6:47 PM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Local cop busted in Boston Common for faking disability to pick up girls

3 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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