Monday, February 1, 2010

Hollywood boy-toy Brian Dennehy swindled into exclusive three-year contract with Sully's Spa

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Brian Dennehy, best known for his gritty performance as veteran officer Jasper O'Shea in the 2005 remake of Assault on Precinct 13, has reportedly been duped into signing an exclusive, three-year contract with Sully's Spa.

The contract, which excludes Dennehy from working on any other projects until February of 2013, requires the actor to be present during all hours of business, where he will be required to carry out "miscellaneous tasks" throughout each shift.

"There's gotta be a way out of this," exclaimed Dennehy, as he prepared to perform a juggling act at the request of a homeless alcoholic. "This can't be real."

Dennehy, who is said to have signed the contract on a whim, claims he was under the impression that he was signing a deal to perform at the Goodman Theatre, the oldest currently-active theatre in Chicago's Loop.

The Goodman Theatre, whose vertical neon sign looks very much like the sign at Sully's.

"I was led to believe that I was signing a contract to perform The Tragedy of Macbeth at the Goodman Theatre," Dennehy explained. "I would never have signed that contract if I had actually read it. It's not even a paying gig. I'm literally gonna be working seven days a week for the next three years without even getting paid for it. I don't even know if that's legal. And I bet you anything that it isn't."

Dennehy, who later discovered that the contract was not only legal, but impenetrable, has already prepared to sell his ownership in The Brian Dennehy Collection, an assortment of seemingly random collectibles, which have been tagged with the Brian Dennehy name.

Having a brief stint in popularity, The Brian Dennehy Collection has since become a staple at clearance stores, such as Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and AJ Wright.

"The Brian Dennehy Collection was a bunch of crap," remarked Ken Flopp, a known creep from Adams Shore. "Anything and everything was part of that collection. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Every time Dennehy got a few pops in him, he'd name something else a part of his collection. It was absurd. It started out as just kitchen plates and clothing, but then, after a while, it got insane. Take a look at the later portion of the catalogue. There's a used Styrofoam coffee cup in there, a couple of old tampon applicators, and a 1999 Ford Ranger. Have fun trying to get a 1999 Ford Ranger through the aisles at a TJ Maxx."

Sully's Spa, who recently celebrated their 75th anniversary in the Granite City.

"Somebody has to help me," Dennehy pleaded, as he relacquered the three-lane bowling alley in the basement level of Sully's. "I have no money, I'm under the constant pressure of an overbearing waitstaff, and I'm fed nothing but Wollaston Beach clams. These people can't treat me like this. I'm Brian Dennehy. I was the sheriff in the first Rambo movie, for Christ's sake! Somebody has to do something about this before it gets outta hand."

Dennehy later claimed that the long hours and lack of pay were taking a physical toll on him, as well, stating that another week would surely be the death of him.

Brian Dennehy, looking a little rough after a long shift at Sully's.

"There's no getting out of this contract," explained Ronaldo "Sully" Sullivan, an absolute sick-as-fuck bowler, who co-owns the establishment. "Brian Dennehy is ours to do with as we see fit, at least for the next three years. If he even lasts that long, that is. We've already forced him to drink over thirty shots of urine, had heroin addicts wipe their asses with his face, and tricked him into eating a dozen deviled eggs, which had been sitting on the shelf since the Reagan Administration. The guy is an idiot. And I intend on reminding him of that fact every five minutes."


Anonymous said...

Brian Dennehy: the one Hollywood actor who actually makes me feel BETTER about my own physical self-image. The man's built like a fucking Tater-Tot for God's sake...

Beak Wilder said...

He does look like a tater-tot!