Monday, October 26, 2009

Faneuil Hall closes its doors in wake of recent invasion of South Shore girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Faneuil Hall has announced that it will be closing its doors for an unspecified amount of time in the wake of a recent invasion of Whitman girls, which led to no less than four people covered in beer, two humiliated whores, at least one broken pint glass, and an extremely disappointed bouncer.

The incident took place on Friday evening at Hennessy's, at an otherwise peaceful rock concert, where South Shore band, HeadSpace, was performing a handful of Blackbelt and Brawl Park covers to an anxious and loving crowd.

As reported, the show's first set was a great success, although quickly turned sour during the second set, when Dino Bland, a mid-ranking member of Quincy’s nightlife, accidentally spilled a single drop of beer on Diana Hoarface, an out-of-work film star from Revere, as she was discussing where in the bar would be safe to do cocaine.

Hoarface, as seen in a clip from her most recent adult film, All Dogs Go to Revere.

Upon seeing this spill, Hoarface then attempted to slap the drink out of Bland’s hand, unknowing at the time that an army of angry Whitman girls lurked just behind him.

It was at this point that Heather Velangie, a horse whisperer from Whitman, who was reportedly dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of tights, allegedly took her entire beer and doused Hoarface in front of everyone. This, of course, was followed by Velangie whipping her then-empty pint glass at one of Hoarface’s ridiculous, whore-faced friends, missing her by only inches.

Liza Stufart, an aspiring housewife from Whitman, was said to have then stepped into the scuffle, sneaking up on Hoarface’s side and blasting her in the face in an epic display that was described by onlookers as “the most impressive sneak attack since the Velociraptor took out the game warden in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park.”

Bouncers and doormen throughout the establishment then attempted to stabilize the madness, but were taken by surprise as younger sister, Jeanne Stufart, began indiscriminately launching kickballs at the waitstaff and security. There is still no word on why over a hundred kickballs were in the bar at the time, although it is expected that the Sturage sisters had planned this event longer before it happened.

All patrons were then escorted to the Faneuil Hall border, where they were gassed and electrocuted until calm.

Velangie and both Stufart sisters were arrested later that evening. Velangie and Liza Stufart were charged with roughing, cross-checking, charging, overly asserting the fact that the South Shore is awesome, and the unauthorized dumping of Shock Top Belgian White ale. Jeanne Stufart was charged with inciting an unnecessary kickball game and multiple counts of unsportsmanlike conduct. They were scheduled to be arraigned this Monday morning, however, were let go almost immediately after, as the judge declared the entire situation “too hilarious” to try in court.

The Whitman girls, participating in a potato sack race while awaiting trial.

Hennessy’s was unavailable for comment on this matter, but did release a statement, which says that they will no longer be allowing residents from Quincy and/or Whitman into their establishment. They have also stated that this recent disregard for human behavior has caused them to consider no longer offering their famous "half off cheese fries" special, which runs every Tuesday afternoon.

“I don't know what happened,” said Johnny Augmentin, lead guitarist of HeadSpace and inventor of Augmentin, the combination antibiotic containing amoxicillin trihydrage, whose show was interrupted by the inciting chaos. "Some bummin' whore got a little beer spilled on her, and then, all of the sudden, it was a fucking fiesta in there. There was no hesitation. The second that Quincy kid got his beer slapped, those Whitman chicks went nuts. They were like Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return. It was fucking insane. It's safe to say that Boston got a nice, little taste of a Whitman's Sampler that night. I just feel bad for dudes that are married to chicks like that. Seriously, I couldn't even imagine that. That's gotta be tough.”


Heather Velangie went on to form Friday Night Fight-Tights, a Whitman-based company, which manufactures compressive elastic leg tights designed to ensure limberness and agility while spin-kicking your way through the Boston club scene.

Liza Stufart eventually married neighborhood heartthrob, John Commenton, becoming the wacky housewife she had always dreamed of. Her wedding took place the very next day at Pizzano's Pizza in Whitman.

Jeanne Stufart went on to become the first Whitman resident to ever successfully pull off a triple lutz on dry pavement. She then lost this ability shortly after waking up the following day. She is currently being cared for at South Shore Hospital in Weymouth, where doctors say it "could definitely go either way."

Johnny Augmentin eventually lost all of his interests in the pharmaceutical industry in a heated game of Texas Hold 'Em, causing him to take his own life by swallowing nineteen bottles of Augmentin. He was later revived, however, as Governor Deval Patrick ordered the forceful removal of an unliked, but very healthy, West Quincy kid's organs. Augmentin's surgery went better than expected, and he was released this morning to the care of his barber, as he was in bad need of a shave.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Stump! Trivia host wins prestigious "Most Annoying Dude Ever" award, shot dead by firing squad

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Stump! Trivia host, Hank Stumpwell, got more than he bargained for last night when a prestigious black tie event, in which he was to receive the celebrated "Most Annoying Dude Ever" award, turned into a chaotic display of street justice, resulting in execution by firing squad.

Stumpwell, who has been hosting the Wednesday night Stump! Trivia event at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks for the past five years, was considered by many to be a staple in the community, often being referred to as "The Voice" by all those lucky enough to be assimilated in the North Quincy bar scene.

But not all in the city were happy with Stumpwell's performance, which takes place in many bars throughout the Granite City, as recent Stump! Trivia statistics show his approval ratings dropping a to record-breaking 26% in North Quincy, 48% in West Quincy, and 53.9% in South Quincy.

Approval ratings for East Quincy were unable to be determined, as no Quincy resident had any idea where that even was.

The award ceremony, which was held in the swanky basement level function hall of Murphy's Twin Shamrocks, was interrupted just as Stumpwell was accepting his award, at which point he was dragged off into the distance by an angry, gun-wielding mob.

Early reports indicate that Stumpwell was then brought to Cavanaugh Field, where he was informally tried and convicted of crimes against humanity, being sentenced to death by unanimous vote.

The angry, gun-wielding mob, having a celebration after Stumpwell's execution.

Stumpwell was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where doctors attempted to piece his body back together using the cheapest materials they could find, as Stump! Trivia apparently offers no health insurance package to it's employees

Stumpwell was pronounced dead at 8:32PM. He is survived by his step-brother, Trim Whitman, and his barber, Carlos "Flesh Man" Fantasia, as well as a handful of those who were somehow able to tolerate his constant, undying voice.

Hank Stumpwell, so fucking boring that even the camera can't think straight.

"I thought he was an okay guy," remarked Sal Milone, a 32-year-old employee of the World Wide Web. "Until he opened his mouth, that is. That guy had the most annoying voice I have ever heard in my entire fucking life. If I wanted to use my mind, I wouldn't be at a bar. I'd be sitting at home, watching Jeopardy!, listening to Alex Trebek. Now that's a host! Who wants to sit at Murphy's and listen to a bunch of shitty questions while everybody just looks up the answers on their iPhones? I'm not saying I'm glad he's dead, but I'm definitely glad I won't be hearing his voice anymore."

A perfect example of how flawed and ridiculous the rising bar trivia scene has become.

Milone then ordered a round of whiskey shots and proceeded to assert his signature blend of drooling and flirting on every waitress in the bar, excluding, of course, the meek, nameless new girl, whose life expectancy at the establishment is predicted to last no more than three days.

Unmarked Netflix envelope causes mass violence on Old Colony Avenue, also murder

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Police were dispatched to an apartment complex on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston Sunday morning, when an unidentifiable movie rental caused tenants of the building to resort to barbaric violence. Five people were severely injured and six others were placed under arrest following the carnage.

Occupants of the multi-family apartment building began violently confronting each other at approximately 9:30AM, after an unmarked Netflix envelope was spotted on top of the main lobby's mailbox.

Netflix, a popular online movie rental company, where users subscribe for a small fee in order to have DVDs directly shipped to their homes, refused to respond to phone calls from members of the press. As of this moment, it is believed that all copies of Val Kilmer's Mindhunters are still available.

Mindhunters: The movie where nothing is what it seems, and everything is what it should be.

Upon arriving at 136 Old Colony Avenue, Quincy Police officers Chirp Spizzukie and Steven Pants were greeted by every single person residing in the building battling each other on the front lawn.

"The first arrest was obvious," commented Pants, while he carelessly burned a bag of human hair on the hood of his cruiser. "We grabbed this guy who was fuckin' busting his wife's jaw loose with a hardcover edition of Infinite Jest. Now, that's a long book, her jaw just didn't stand a chance against that thing. Nope, even if it was the paperback edition, we'd still be hauling him in for attempted murder."

Mitch E. Obryenne, 32, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Obryenne was last in the news after being arrested for breaking into cars in the North Quincy MBTA parking lot using an original King James version of the Bible to smash open passenger side windows. He later fought those charges on the grounds that he was given the idea from the film, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, although this argument was later found to be flimsy, at best.

Officer Pants, twice awarded the "City of Quincy Police Bravery Award" for finishing all The Legend of Zelda games in a row, without responding to a single 911 call, made the next arrest.

"It was clear what was going on," Pants said. "They were all trying to lay claim to this mysterious Netflix delivery." Pausing briefly to unintentionally quote Madball into his walkie-talkie, Pants continued. "Each of the tenants felt they were the rightful owner. It's a great feeling getting something in the mail, especially a long-awaited movie, but what are the odds that everyone in the building had a Netflix DVD due at their apartment that day?"

"I maced the first two people I saw and then calmly got into my cruiser and headed right to Old Colony Ave.," Pants continued. "Using standard issue police handcuffs, I managed to subdue and arrest Mr. Abscondalido and place him in the back of the police car. It was pretty easy, considering he was already unconscious. Someone shattered a full bottle of Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka in his face."

Dan Aykroyd, raising his third consecutive crystal skull full of pure vodka.

Mazhir Abscondalido was charged with 4th degree bullshit, being ridiculous, and destruction of a vodka bottle without consuming it's contents first. He was arrested and taken to the Hancock Animal Hospital for stitches.

Next to be placed under police custody was Brendan "Stremi" Strem, 25. Mr. Strem is believed to be responsible for the rash of false trivia information found under 1-out-of-10 Snapple bottle caps. He was charged with gratuitously launching Lay-Z-Boy recliners off of his third-story porch onto the battle royale below.

Val Vickson, 31, Henry Hill, 50, and Murph Swiggens, 44, were all charged with beating elderly Wollaston resident, Alf Nelson, 98, to death, using a giant sack filled to the brim with alligator meat.

Using megaphones and promises of free pizza, officers eventually managed to calm the fighting down. Seizing the Netflix delivery and taking more than twenty seconds to investigate it, the envelope was, in fact, discovered to be only a Netflix junk mail advertisement postcard. Clevely designed to look like an actual DVD envelope, it caused much mischief amongst the dwellers of the apartment complex. When it was later revealed that none of the occupants had ever actually signed up for Netflix, Officer Nico Haylen was then ordered to execute them all by way of firing squad behind the Dunkin' Donuts on East Squantum Street. A law that was just passed last month, as part of Mayor Koch's all-new "Sucker Free Quincy" act.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mayor questioned after hot air balloon mishap turns out to be complete bullshit

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch found himself in the hot seat today after a hot air balloon mishap, which became the City of Presidents' top story of the afternoon, turned out to be complete and utter bullshit.

News outlets throughout the city learned a darker side of the carpet-loving mayor, as what was at one point thought to be Mayor Koch stuck inside of a hot air balloon, which was hovering over an unused patch at Quarry Hills, turned out to be nothing more than a distasteful hoax.

The hot air balloon, which the city had been working on since last fall, was designed to monitor electronic waves generated by Dunkin' Donuts Great Ones, so that, if there ever was a sudden shortage, they could locate them before the city broke out into a full-scale, balls-to-the-wall riot.

Why the mayor would be in the balloon in the first place, no one questioned.

The hot air balloon project, reportedly coined "Project Crazy Falcon," was set to begin in early November, and is rumored to be the most monumentally fucking ridiculous and expensive idea Quincy has ever had since they demolished the abandoned pharmacy in Brewer's Corner on Cinco de Mayo, 2005.

There is still no word as to why the city had made no plans of using this hot air balloon, which is said to have been able to monitor a single Great One within a thirteen mile radius, in any attempt at locating the elusive Great One Killer. It is speculated that this idea simply just never came about at the last breakfast meeting, partially because authorities have been distracted by homeless people whipping their cocks out on the library lawn, but mainly because this city is run by an idiot.

As to why the mayor would pull such a hoax, no one can be sure. But recent photographs of the mayor performing Madball's Set it Off, in it's entirety, at a backyard karaoke party have surfaced, causing some to believe it was merely a distraction, designed to keep Quincy occupied while he got shitfaced and butchered a whole bunch of otherwise enjoyable New York hardcore songs.

Mayor Koch, performing "Across Your Face" with a couple of friends.

"I'll tell you what this shit is," remarked Marty "The One Man Party" Renewal. "This is some bullshit, that's what it is. That guy had everybody in the city glued to QATV, wondering if the he was gonna be okay. He was about thirty feet high, too. If that thing dropped, he probably would have exploded. I was at Tully's Cafe, drinking with my friends, Glen and Roy, and their attorney, Allen. Every one of us totally believed that he was stuck in that balloon. And then, hours later, the news starts showing pictures and video footage of him covering Madball songs, and starting mosh pits, and basically just acting like a tremendous douche. I think this whole city should find some sort of class action man and file a huge lawsuit on his ass. Fuck that mayor!"

How anyone can be sure that these photographs and videos of the mayor's backyard antics actually took place during the hot air balloon incident is still up for speculation. Rumors of the mayor screaming, "Today is October 19th, 2009" have flooded the streets, however, have yet to be confirmed by famed problem solver Matty Hammers.

"The mayor clearly stated the date in the video footage I was given," Hammers later confirmed. "And he clearly stated the time. Over and over and over again, actually. And there's little doubt in my mind that anyone who once knew how to successfully tamper with VHS cassette tapes is already long dead by now. I may not be a doctor. And I may not be Bruce Dickinson. But what I am is a scientist. And I deem the photographs and footage that were provided to me legitimate and not tampered with."

Matty Hammers, who earned the moniker "the human equivalent of a great white shark," after beating the living shit out of News Radio's Maura Tierney, then went on to add how he believes this incident will only help Phelan's campaign.

Bill Phelan, obviously ecstatic upon hearing of Koch's latest antics.

"Look, I would never go as far as to actually go against the mayor," said Phelan spokesman Willy Meade. "But that was sort of a dick move, you know? If the mayor keeps pulling shit like this, Bill's gonna be sitting in that office again, and the chubby boy will be back in North Quincy, sitting on his fat ass and eating chips. Not that that's any different than his life now, but he won't be lounging on luxury carpet anymore, that's for sure. The time has come for change, and that change is Bill Phelan. On November 3rd, if you're sick and tired of your tax dollars going towards buying the mayor extravagant goodies, vote for the ginger. If not, we will find you. And you don't wanna see my bad side. Trust me."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Local man takes on city over battle to preserve notorious Quincy Center watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went berserk last night over Quincy Center's ongoing development project, which announced in a press conference yesterday that it will be requiring the demolition of Tully's Cafe, a beloved watering hole, which has attracted the attention of the seedy underbelly of Quincy since it's very beginnings.

Authorities were dispatched to the Quincy Center strip at 10:38PM, last night, with reports of a drunken man and his followers organizing what was referred to as "an impressive rebellion," which was allegedly aiming to march through the city streets and storm City Hall in an epic display of pride and intolerance.

Authorities arrested several bar patrons, including Rick Rambone, an out-of-work, under-the-table bartender, who was reported to have been "so drunk that he would have gone down on Amy Winehouse."

Rambone was then taken in for questioning, where he repeatedly attempted to fondle his sweaty, repulsive testicles while being finger printed. It was an act that Rambone was no stranger to, as he has apparently pulled the exact same move a total of nine times over the twelve months.

Rambone was charged with attempted uprising, acting like a dickhead, and exposing himself to a police officer. He will be arraigned Monday morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Tully's Cafe, which has been plagued with a reputation so bad that Quincy has not seen the likes of it since the glory days of the Sag, has made no official statement regarding this. It is expected that all interested parties are still pondering their next move over a table of Old Grand Dad whiskey and Roche Bros. finger sandwiches.

Rambone, trying to get used to the idea of a life without Tully's.

"Those cops violated my right to protest," claimed Rambone, as he soothed the pain away with a series of key bumps and room temperature beers. "Tully's is the best bar in the whole entire world. There are no rules in there. Anything goes. You can dance on tables, you can crank butts in the back, you can do whatever you want. You could even make out with a toothless hooker, if you really wanted to. Nobody in that place has anything to lose, and they all know it. It's like an episode of HBO's Deadwood in there. And they have that hilarious painting with the three dogs, who are all wearing shirts, but not pants. And they're all looking for a golf ball. I'm pretty sure it's called 'In the Ruff,' but I'm not positive. What's gonna happen to that painting if Quincy knocks down Tully's? What's gonna happen to me? Without Tully's, my sex life would be nothing. I'd be at a total loss. The mayor's gonna be hearing from me on this one, you can count on that."

While some admit that Tully's may be good for the city, as it has been known to keep the more unsavory characters of the city in one place, others have gone so far as to say they are glad to hear the news of it's demise.

"Tully's is a bad place," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "A lot of really shady things have gone down there. It's definitely a no-questions-asked establishment, that's for sure. I remember when they found some Swedish nanny's torso on the roof of that place. Nobody would admit to seeing anything. They all just kept drinking their beers and sneaking off to the bathroom to do coke, it was disgusting. Some guy was running head-first into the jukebox for beers. And his girlfriend was getting dry humped by two guys who couldn't even keep their eyes open. It was a sad state of affairs. I've seen abortion clinic waiting rooms with more smiles than this place had. It's a dark place, even on an emotional level. I'm glad they're gonna be tearing it down. This city doesn't need a place like that. Good riddance."

Another perspective, which seems to be shared by a maximum of one resident of the area, is that this backdoor plotting against Tully's Cafe is the work of the enigmatic Craigslist Killer, the hilarious, bumbling psychopath who recently half-assed his way through a series of internet-related robberies and murder.

"The Craigslist Killer wants to make that entire street a black market prostitution zone," said Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy. "The Craigslist Killer has had his hands in this city development project since the very beginning. He's been giving Mayor Koch secret orders from his prison cell. That whole street that Tully's is on is gonna be one huge Hookerville by the time he's through with it. And, if he ever gets out of jail, he's gonna go straight there and just lose his fucking mind. It's gonna be like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto III, except this time, there's gonna be shitload more dead hookers."

The Craigslist Killer, having a good laugh over Tully's, while putting on his signature war jacket.

Llamas then grabbed the side mirror of a passing 215 bus and allowed himself to be dragged back to the west side of town, all while yelling, "Whatever it takes!" to the shocked and befuddled onlookers.

It is still unclear as to what particular drug Llamas had exposed himself to, but it is this reporter's opinion that it was a mix of raging barbiturates and mind-numbing downers.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Local girl deemed "too ordinary" to partake in weekly girls' night, found dead in dumpster

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local girl was found dead in a dumpster behind the George F. Bryan VFW post on Broad Street last night, just hours after being told she was "too ordinary" to participate in a Merrymount-area girls' night.

Barbara Crankish, 21, a retail clerk from Hough's Neck, was found just before midnight by a local homeless man who was rummaging through the trash in th
e hopes of finding a late-night snack.

Crankish, whose interests included watching reality television, listening to Jam'n 94.5, and drinking Bud Light in a can, was last seen at the home of Sally Sohott, a socially prominent waitress from Highfield Road.

It was at this house where it was determined that Crankish was far too boring to partake in the weekly girls' night, which basically consists of drinking wine, talking shit about all those not present, and watching Christian Troy sexually lambaste herds of women on FX's Nip/Tuck.

After being told she was not allowed to take part in the elitist event, it is said that Crankish "made a sad face" and began walking back in the direction of her home. Eyewitness accounts place Crankish on the corner of Sea Street and Quincy Shore Drive at approximately 9:45PM, at which point she was not seen again until her body was recovered shortly after.

Initial reports placed Crankish at approximately 3'2", although this was later determined to be due to the fact that she had been sawed in half. Crankish's body was otherwise unharmed, causing authorities to believe the cause of death was directly related to the fact that she had been severed at the waistline.

As with other murders in recent past, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found in the vicinity of the victim, this time crumpled up into a ball and lodged in her throat, leaving little question as to whether this murder is related to those still unsolved.

Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic cop in charge of the case, was first on the scene.

"This is just another example of how fucked up the people of this city are," Haylen said, as he repeatedly sprayed Binaca in his mouth, while maintaining a constant dead stare at a passing female. "You're not supposed to saw people in half. It's not hard. You just don't do it. It's simple shit, really. As soon as I find this guy, I'm gonna rip his fucking throat out and send it to Saugus."

Haylen then paused for approximately ten minutes, as he became distracted by yet another female. This one being significantly less attractive than the last, although resulting in the exact same display of awkward eye contact, unnecessary breath refreshment, and misguided testosterone.

Nico Haylen, pondering what life would be like without diabetes.

Haylen then offered no explanation as to why no leads have been obtained in the case of the Great One Killer, although did promise on several occasions that he would "try wicked hard."

There is still no word yet on what authorities are planning for their next move, nor has any reason been given as to why Barbara Crankish was so incredibly bland.

The Quincy Police Department has asked that all suspicious individuals turn themselves in for questioning, and have promised to remain firm-but-fair through the process, offering complimentary coffee and donuts to all who attend.

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, as he was vacationing in Squantum's Orchard Beach, where he was enjoying a delicious meal of imported wines and cheeses with what appeared to be a retired daytime stripper.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

City Hall prepares for controversial investment plan as illegal Quincy pharmaceutical laboratory introduces 800mg OxyContin

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An illegal pharmaceutical laboratory in Quincy introduced the brand new 800mg OxyContin today to mixed reviews, raising eyebrows from the city's conservative Republican side, which, based on the 2008 census, represents approximately 0.000009% of the population.

The laboratory, which is located in the basement level of the DB Mart in Adams Shore, is currently under investigation for faulty business practices, slave labor, duplication and distribution of snuff films, and unauthorized drug manufacturing, and was previously expected to go out of business by their next electric bill.

The 800mg OxyContin, which is rumored to be so powerful that it makes even Lady Gaga sound good, will be introduced to the market by Cinco de Mayo, 2010, and will most likely only be prescribed to those who have broken every single bone in their body, although it is considered to do significantly better in the black market, as it will be readily available in almost all neighborhoods and schools.

Detractors of the pill claim that it will not only devastate the city, but will also leave taxpayers with an enormous bill, as it has been speculated that Mayor Thomas Koch will drain nearly all of the city's available funds and invest them in this soon-to-be-flourishing underground drug trade.

"OxyContin is big business," remarked political scapegoat Joe Schlopp, last in the news after being caught sleeping through an entire three-hour business meeting with his left testicle hanging out of his pants. "The city needs to invest where there is money to be made, and right now, that's in high potency opiates."

Schlopp then failed to answer the following nineteen questions, as he drifted off into what appeared to be a deep and peaceful slumber, which was later discovered to be a near-fatal overdose.

The OxyContin 800 in all of its glory, ready to make even the largest of dudes nod the fuck out.

"I think investing in OxyContin could be wonderful for this city," said Shawnathan Brandis, a limousine driver from West Quincy, who rates an impressive 6-out-of-10 on the sex appeal scale. "Everybody I know loves OxyContin. It makes you feel great, it's a great way to pick up chicks, and it has virtually no side effects. And now that it's ten times stronger, it's gonna be ten times better. And that's more than just the opinion of one man. That's plain and simple math, my friend. And it doesn't get much more accurate than math."

Suddenly collapsing on the ground like a bag of bricks, Brandis was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead immediately.

Although most in the city are in favor of the mayor's investment proposal, others have taken it upon themselves to protest the idea, some of them resorting to painting their faces the deep purple color of a recently-overdosed drug abuser and laying motionless in front of City Hall. This, of course, has led to multiple arrests, a handful of citations, and at least one case of somebody literally shitting himself. The latter of which would later be deemed unrelated, as it was discovered to be Alec "Alley Boy" Harris, a man known in Quincy for his constant, troublesome battle with irritable bowel syndrome.

"The city was going to shit with 80mg OxyContins, nevermind 800mg!" barked Partiana Tarter, the self-proclaimed "Bridget Fonda of Quincy," last in the media's eye for ending up at JJ Foley's a record twenty-eight nights in a row. "OxyContin is bad enough as it is. The last thing this city needs is more drug-related deaths. I don't even have to ask how people died anymore in this city. I automatically assume it's either a drug overdose or another erotic asphyxiation mishap. The people of this city are about to go down quicker than a Germantown slut on Ecstasy. I don't even understand. This is just another one of the mayor's bullshit games so he can pocket more money and get a functional disco ball installed in his office."

Monday, October 12, 2009

Popular Squantum drinking spot revealed to be White Castle hamburger franchise

Article by Beak Wilder and Spanky / Photo courtesy of "Gorgeous" George Camaro

A popular Squantum drinking spot, or "The Rock," as it is called by residents of the peninsula getaway, was revealed to actually be the location of a White Castle hamburger chain yesterday.

This shocking discovery came about when local musician and photographer, "Gorgeous" George Camaro, took a photograph of what he believed to be a shirtless President Obama, walking around in a state of confusion, screaming, "Where is everybody? I was told there would be acid!"

In this photograph, a White Castle restaurant can be seen clearly just behind the alleged President, to his right, causing many Quincy residents to become infuriated by Squantum natives for keeping such a seemingly delicious burger joint a secret for what some have claimed to be "so many years."

"That White Castle has been here for so many years," remarked Matty Screwzlik, a Squantum kid who once went to a Digable Planets show by himself. "I used to run numbers out of the bathroom in there. Every time we fixed a Sailors game, we'd cash in real big and then get White Castle cheeseburger boxes. I guess we just never told anyone because our parents never told anyone. And neither did their parents. It's kind of like one of those small-town secrets, like in Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery,' where the whole town stones some bitch just because of some crazy ritual that supposedly guarantees them a good harvest. Well, that White Castle is our harvest, and we have to protect that. Although, I guess the cat's outta the bag now, so whatever. If you need me, I'll be burying White Castle cheeseburger boxes in my backyard. I'll be fucked if I'm gonna let those mainlanders come and take my burgers. Those mainlanders are always after our shit. I hate those people. They're weird."

Though the once-thought popular drinking spot has been revealed to be otherwise, most Squantum residents admit to have at least partied there "no less than four hundred times." Authorities have stated that they are now interested in staking out the location during the nighttime hours when it is closed, although the one cop assigned to Squantum refused, on the basis that it made him "feel uncomfortable," as he was not a fan of "going against the grain."

Friday, October 9, 2009

Local rap artist accused of Blogger polling scam

Associated Press / Photo most likely courtesy of a drunken Quincy kid

Neal Diamondz (left, featured with Jaime "The Scallion Stallion" Curbkick), the local rap artist known for acting foolishly whenever in the general vicinity of a McDonald's, was accused today of a major polling scam on The Quincy Scallion, which entailed multiple votes from the same IP address on their current poll.

The poll, which asks "What section of Quincy is the best?" shows an excess of three votes for the Hospital Hill section of Quincy, causing many to believe that the entire American political system is fucking fixed, as no resident of Quincy, aside from the accused internet terrorist, would ever vote for that particular area.

"I didn't do shit," claimed an outraged Diamondz. "Mad people like Hospital Hill. Good luck proving this bullshit. I'll see your fuckin' asses in court. You might be harder than nails, but you ain't harder than Neal. I'll put your face down in the gutter, tell me, how does it feel? Punk ass bitches ain't got nothin' on Hillside. Smell ya later!"

Diamondz will be brought before a judge as soon as authorities are willing to find one brave enough, where it is expected he will plead "whatever" to an assortment of charges. Supporters of Diamondz are rumored to include Reskue, Drone, Everlast, Necro, D-Dez the Chef, and George Clooney.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

City Hall gets much-needed break from ridicule due to local reporter's collapse into insanity

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

City Hall was awarded a much-needed break from ridicule this week, as a local reporter from an undisclosed media source apparently lost his fucking mind and began kicking and screaming like a little fucking girl.

Although the reporter wishes for his identity to remain anonymous at this time, eyewitness accounts place him as being in his early thirties, approximately 6'4", with "extremely large ears" and "that look someone has when they have absolutely nothing going in their favor."

Taking advantage of this unofficial "anything goes" pass, Mayor Koch stayed entirely clear from the watchful eye of the media for an entire business day. Some have speculated that he spent the day golfing at Quarry Hills, others say driving around aimlessly in the hopes of finding out that one of the two McDonald's in Quincy has a ball pit, while the rest were left to assume that he was smashing pumpkins on Hospital Hill. Although, more realistically, it is assumed that he spent the entire day eating pizza in his office.

Shanté Vanderbilt, a well-known black from the outskirts of Germantown, however, had a different story to tell.

"I was up on the top level of some parking garage in Crown Colony," she stated. "And I saw that mayor get out of a huge milk truck and just start burning down all the Phelan signs. Now, at first, it was funny. I'll admit that much. But those campaign signs went up pretty quick. The wooden planks took a bit longer, if you catch my drift. Pretty soon, there was just an entire road filled with burning crosses, and the mayor straight up panicked. I haven't seen a politician run that fast since I told Dukakis I was pregnant. That little man was about as fast as West Quincy talks."

Shanté Vanderbilt, reenacting the grisly "burning crosses incident" from her prospective.

All through the city, the rumors of burning crosses gushed through each neighborhood with rapid speed, causing a sense of uneasiness to fill the air, which can only be compared to the crippling awkwardness you feel when your penis has become completely limp, and you know that there isn't a chance in the world that you will be able to please that girl beneath you, but you keep going anyway.

Hours later, a benefit for Bill Phelan was held at Bradford Park, arraigned by local heartthrob, Matty Southside. Legendary attendees included Long Jonson, a man who needs no introduction, Timothy Morton, a world class drummer, known for never leaving the house without at least one gallon of gas, and Joe Schlopp, Mayor Koch's ever-faithful assistant, who was basically there because cake was being served.

The "Phelan For Mayor" cake, just before being "torn the fuck up" by Joe Schlopp.

"It was a great party," said Matty Southside, as he casually threw a neighborhood kid's immaculately clean Adidas shell toes over some telephone cables. "It was good to see all the knuckleheads out and about. Plus, I love Bradford Park. I used to beat the shit out of Beakey here way back in the day. You think that kid's ears are huge now, you should have seen them back then. Fuck that kid. Why's that kid getting all depressed and having a midlife crisis for anyway?"

At this point, Matty Southside was forcefully dragged off into the distance by the Scallion's own Brunk Edwards, who, for the sake of maintaining anonymity, would not offer any explanation on.

"No comment," said Silent Mike K., a Charlestown native who may, or may not, have been at the festivities.

Silent Mike K. was last in the news after spending over three years in Guantanamo Bay without ever once giving up and telling authorities what "FSU" stands for.

Another pro-Phelan accessory, this one having nothing to do with the story.

As to why this apparently "puss 'n boots" reporter has been going crazy and acting like a little bitch lately, no one is for sure. Some believe it to be because life is full of nothing but misery and pain, filled to the fucking brim with people who will lie to you, crush you, and make you eat dirt. Others believe it may be because Phelan came short in the primary. But what this reporter knows is that, no matter how many out there are against you, the few that you have on your side count, and that should at least be enough reason to get up and try. No matter how bad it may seem, there is always someone out there that is worth living for. Unless you're entirely out of friends that is, because, if that's the case, just get in the fucking bathtub and open those wrists up until they're smiling wider than you have in the past three years.

Oh, I don't know. Whatever. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. Later, kids.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mayor in hot water over Olympic antics

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Myor Koch, returning from a two week trip to Copenhagen, Denmark, is facing intense questioning over the nature of his visit to the non-South Shore based country.

The Mayor left with a hand-picked team of advisers, a suitcase full of Clubman® brand aftershave, and $23 million in loose cash.

The money was allegedly pilfered from his own campaign fund and had been donated by various members of the voting community, stric
tly to finance his upcoming re-election bid.

Initially convincing the city that he would secure the 2016 Olympic games by "wowing" the International Olympic Committee (IOC) with the latest jokes from the parking lot of the Quincy Center train station, Koch boarded an 18th century Russian whaling ship, The Demeter, from Quincy's Fore River Shipyard and set sail in the general vacinity of Europe.

With no one in the mayor's seat for the past two weeks, crime dropped by a remarkable 300%,
and at least four lost dogs were returned to their rightful owners, mostly unharmed. Pizza sales, however, plunged dramatically, resulting in the forclosure of one local pie pad.

Alf Nelson's Pizza Bucket, located behind the more prosperous Domino's Pizza in North Quincy, folded after a record thirteen minutes of public service. Although the death of founder and sole worker, Alf Nelson, is believed to be a major factor in the closing of the restaurant, others blame the lack of Mayor Koch's insatiable, Lovecraftian hunger for pizza.

Upon his return Monday evening, Koch was bombarded with questions as to what exactly he was up to abroad. Suspicions arose when it was revealed that Rio de Janeiro had won the rights to host the 2016 Olympic Games last week. Responding to allegations that he merely jaunted off on a foreign vacation amidst an upcoming election where he is facing stiff competion from bitter rival, William J. Phelan, Kock became angry.

"I went all the way over to Denmark---fucking Denmark---for you people to get the Olympics over to Quincy. This is the shit I put up with when I get home? I told you, I just took the money with me so no one would spend it while I was gone. I needed two weeks because of the time zone differential, and I am not wearing solid diamond sunglasses, these are just the---uhhh---3D glasses I got on the plane ride back. They were playing The Final Destination."

Questions as to why it took two weeks, including a full week after the IOC had decided on Brazil, were brushed aside by the mayor as easily as a drunk Quincy kid brushes aside the responsibility of paying for cab rides from Boston.

Reading further into things, the more culturally awake residents of the city noticed that Quincy had never been submitted at all before the IOC.

"That slimely motherfucker," gasped Grips Touche, a 36-year-old couch potato from Merrymount. "I knew something was up when I saw all them Brazilians going buck wild on TV, and there was no mention of Quincy at all. Come to think of it, why the fuck would they hold the Olympic games in a city that was once called 'the cess pool of the American dream' by Carl Sagan? Nah, something about this whole thing just didn't add up at all. If I wasn't under house arrest right now, I'd go down to City Hall and blast some people. Straight up blast them!"

Grips Touche, finishing his breakfast in the bathtub in an enraged drunken state.

Jordashe LaSwamps, a self employed woodchucker from Elm Street, was also alarmed at the mayor's cheekiness.

"That dude borrowed six bucks from me the other day! He was behind me in line at D'Angelo's and suddenly decided he wanted the new toasted chicken, bacon and lettuce sandwich instead of a steak and cheese. If I knew the son of a bitch had over twenty million bucks in his fucking pocket, I never would have given him anything. He even asked me for a ride to the docks, but since I have multiple trespassing warrants for that area---which I won't get into right now---I had to turn him down. Fuck that shit."

Jordashe LaSwamps, just minutes before being asked to leave D'angelo's for the third time.

Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, and perenial punching bag for Quincy reporters, was adamant that the mayor's trip was on the level.

"We tried. We really did. No, we didn't get the Olympics. But at least now the world knows about Quincy's vast high school drinking spots. We had an extremely detailed map showing every cool underage drinking spot in the city. Ugan Ver Dassle of Brussels was very impressed. We even had a slide show showing them our planned opening ceremony. You know how China had all those kids dancing in perfect formation? Well we were going to have ten thousand Quincy kids drinking Icehouse cans in absolute perfect synchronicity. And then, when the camera pans up, you would see the Olympic rings logo laid out in a dazzling display of bud light bottles. We even gave the go-ahead to bulldoze half of Faxon Park to achieve the space. We really had everything all planned out. It's too bad. It really, really is."

Looking wistfully at the useless legs of a nearby cripple, Schlopp remarked that the whole thing "would've possibly been better than world peace."

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Local scientist proves that "BFF" stands for "Bridget Fucking Fonda"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A scientist proved yesterday that the popular "BFF" abbreviation does not stand for "Best Friend Forever," as previously thought, however, stands for "Bridget Fucking Fonda," causing many to believe that the shit has hit the motherfucking fan.

Matty Hammers, the scientist conducting the investigation, was rumored to have performed this research during his lunch break.

Obama sighting in Quincy Center has residents on edge, inspires last minute hardcore show at VFW

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

President Obama was spotted yesterday in Quincy Center, walking past Gentle Dental with his token "nothing but shorts" outfit on, causing many residents to wonder what the fuck he could possibly be up to.

Obama, who was last seen in Quincy back in April, at Squantum's Orchard Beach, when he was praised by local habitants for some of the best weather they had seen since the Clinton administration.

"A lot's changed since then," explained Tropicana Curtis, a political analyst from Adams Shore, recently back after sixty days of undisclosed inpatient therapy on Long Island. "People praised Obama for everything back then. Obama could take a shit on somebody's face, and people would somehow make it a good thing. But the honeymoon phase has long since past. This new health care proposal is fucking bullshit. And that Henry Louis Gates fiasco was just a taste of what's to come. Obama is inexperienced, and he's not ready to lead. At least not at this level. We're talking about a guy who wants to give illegal immigrants the same level of medical care as someone who has been paying top dollar their entire working lives. There's no such thing as free health care. Why is it so hard for people to see that? And why is it so hard for our president to see it? The beach party's over, dickhead. Now go put on a suit and tie and actually lead for a change."

Only hours after Obama was spotted on the Quincy Center strip, a hardcore show was organized at the George F. Bryan VFW post, featuring Shot Dead, of Wollaston, Manetcore 2000, of Hough's Neck, and Slapshot, the seminal Boston hardcore band, last in the news after a bitter courtroom battle with Comcast left them owing fifty percent of the profits from their latest single, "Why Does Comcast's 'All On' Button Never Fucking Work?"

Slapshot, tearing it up with the crowd, as they have done for the past 25 years.

Opening with their new track, "Another Presidential Mistake (The Thought of Free Health Care is a Confusing and Disturbing One)," Slapshot wooed the crowd with their intense blend of chugging guitar riffs, testosterone-fueled drum beats, angry vocals, and pyrotechnics.

"This is the thirty-seventh time I've seen Slapshot," said Jimmy Flynn, a spicy little nugget from the Wollaston Beach area, known for his constant wardrobe changes, being a silly goose, and his utter disgust for all things New York. "This was, by far, the best show yet. Their political songs rival the accuracy and journalistic intensity of Fox News. That show was so crazy. People were dropping like flies in there. We had fifteen Fallon Ambulance box trucks waiting outside, and it still wasn't enough. This city is about to fucking explode!"

As to why Obama was seen within the city limits, no one is completely sure. It is expected that we will soon know, however, as no Quincy resident has ever been able to keep their fucking mouth shut. Until further information is available, stay cool. Act natural. Don't do anything irrational. Just be yourself.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Harry's Carpet endorses Mayor Tom Koch

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Harry's Carpet of Wollaston Center announced their official endorsement of incumbent Mayor Tom Koch today, causing some to believe that a new "Carpetgate" scandal may possibly be on the horizon.

Mayor Koch, who became an instant media sensation after purchasing $18,000 worth of wall-to-wall carpeting, a mere seventeen seconds after being elected for his first term, won the primary election vote two weeks ago, and will face Bill Phelan in the general election on November 3rd.

Mayor Koch eventually used leftover campaign funds to pay for half the cost of the controversial carpet, but, like Deval Patrick and his insanely priced drapes, only after he was caught by taxpayers and local press.

Other taxpayer-funded amenities the mayor awarded himself after being sworn into office include a luxurious conference table, six pairs of Adidas shell toes, a huge-as-fuck flat-screen television, and an in-ground swimming pool, the latter of which he retroactively disposed of at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School, using a crudely built time machine and a series of bold-faced lies.

The controversial carpet, adorned with wacky snakes, crazy dice, and games of Tic-Tac-Toe.

"Mayor Koch is a decent man," claimed Harry Pickle, owner of Harry's Carpet and co-founder of Bam Kid! carpet cleaning products. "He's an excellent mayor, and an even better customer. I honestly can't wait until he gets re-elected. It's important to us that he remains in City Hall. The second that guy wins, I'm gonna carpet the living shit outta that place. Maybe even the world!"

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, stated in a press release earlier in the week that the ever-building rumors of Harry's Carpet's endorsement was both "flattering and expected."

"I don't think it's right that the mayor thinks he can buy whatever he wants on our tax dollars," remarked Shirley Waystead, an unemployed, alcoholic floozy with virtually no gag reflex. "That guy only cares about himself. He's fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets! And he's not the best looking dude, either. He's one of the twenty-three people in Quincy that I actually wouldn't go down on. Not even for coke, no pun intended."

Shirley Waystead, slugging an entire bottle of extremely cheap, room temperature white wine.

Shirley Waystead was last in the news one week ago, when she found her friend Nicki Pangrano's body stuffed into the trunk of a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, which was rumored to be filled to the brim with smashed wrist watches.

Authorities still have no suspects in the Pangrano murder, although it seems clear that is related to a recent rash of slayings in Quincy, as a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found crammed inside her vajayjay.