Thursday, October 8, 2009

City Hall gets much-needed break from ridicule due to local reporter's collapse into insanity

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

City Hall was awarded a much-needed break from ridicule this week, as a local reporter from an undisclosed media source apparently lost his fucking mind and began kicking and screaming like a little fucking girl.

Although the reporter wishes for his identity to remain anonymous at this time, eyewitness accounts place him as being in his early thirties, approximately 6'4", with "extremely large ears" and "that look someone has when they have absolutely nothing going in their favor."

Taking advantage of this unofficial "anything goes" pass, Mayor Koch stayed entirely clear from the watchful eye of the media for an entire business day. Some have speculated that he spent the day golfing at Quarry Hills, others say driving around aimlessly in the hopes of finding out that one of the two McDonald's in Quincy has a ball pit, while the rest were left to assume that he was smashing pumpkins on Hospital Hill. Although, more realistically, it is assumed that he spent the entire day eating pizza in his office.

Shanté Vanderbilt, a well-known black from the outskirts of Germantown, however, had a different story to tell.

"I was up on the top level of some parking garage in Crown Colony," she stated. "And I saw that mayor get out of a huge milk truck and just start burning down all the Phelan signs. Now, at first, it was funny. I'll admit that much. But those campaign signs went up pretty quick. The wooden planks took a bit longer, if you catch my drift. Pretty soon, there was just an entire road filled with burning crosses, and the mayor straight up panicked. I haven't seen a politician run that fast since I told Dukakis I was pregnant. That little man was about as fast as West Quincy talks."

Shanté Vanderbilt, reenacting the grisly "burning crosses incident" from her prospective.

All through the city, the rumors of burning crosses gushed through each neighborhood with rapid speed, causing a sense of uneasiness to fill the air, which can only be compared to the crippling awkwardness you feel when your penis has become completely limp, and you know that there isn't a chance in the world that you will be able to please that girl beneath you, but you keep going anyway.

Hours later, a benefit for Bill Phelan was held at Bradford Park, arraigned by local heartthrob, Matty Southside. Legendary attendees included Long Jonson, a man who needs no introduction, Timothy Morton, a world class drummer, known for never leaving the house without at least one gallon of gas, and Joe Schlopp, Mayor Koch's ever-faithful assistant, who was basically there because cake was being served.

The "Phelan For Mayor" cake, just before being "torn the fuck up" by Joe Schlopp.

"It was a great party," said Matty Southside, as he casually threw a neighborhood kid's immaculately clean Adidas shell toes over some telephone cables. "It was good to see all the knuckleheads out and about. Plus, I love Bradford Park. I used to beat the shit out of Beakey here way back in the day. You think that kid's ears are huge now, you should have seen them back then. Fuck that kid. Why's that kid getting all depressed and having a midlife crisis for anyway?"

At this point, Matty Southside was forcefully dragged off into the distance by the Scallion's own Brunk Edwards, who, for the sake of maintaining anonymity, would not offer any explanation on.

"No comment," said Silent Mike K., a Charlestown native who may, or may not, have been at the festivities.

Silent Mike K. was last in the news after spending over three years in Guantanamo Bay without ever once giving up and telling authorities what "FSU" stands for.

Another pro-Phelan accessory, this one having nothing to do with the story.

As to why this apparently "puss 'n boots" reporter has been going crazy and acting like a little bitch lately, no one is for sure. Some believe it to be because life is full of nothing but misery and pain, filled to the fucking brim with people who will lie to you, crush you, and make you eat dirt. Others believe it may be because Phelan came short in the primary. But what this reporter knows is that, no matter how many out there are against you, the few that you have on your side count, and that should at least be enough reason to get up and try. No matter how bad it may seem, there is always someone out there that is worth living for. Unless you're entirely out of friends that is, because, if that's the case, just get in the fucking bathtub and open those wrists up until they're smiling wider than you have in the past three years.

Oh, I don't know. Whatever. I don't even know what I'm saying right now. Later, kids.

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