Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Obama sighting in Quincy Center has residents on edge, inspires last minute hardcore show at VFW

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

President Obama was spotted yesterday in Quincy Center, walking past Gentle Dental with his token "nothing but shorts" outfit on, causing many residents to wonder what the fuck he could possibly be up to.

Obama, who was last seen in Quincy back in April, at Squantum's Orchard Beach, when he was praised by local habitants for some of the best weather they had seen since the Clinton administration.

"A lot's changed since then," explained Tropicana Curtis, a political analyst from Adams Shore, recently back after sixty days of undisclosed inpatient therapy on Long Island. "People praised Obama for everything back then. Obama could take a shit on somebody's face, and people would somehow make it a good thing. But the honeymoon phase has long since past. This new health care proposal is fucking bullshit. And that Henry Louis Gates fiasco was just a taste of what's to come. Obama is inexperienced, and he's not ready to lead. At least not at this level. We're talking about a guy who wants to give illegal immigrants the same level of medical care as someone who has been paying top dollar their entire working lives. There's no such thing as free health care. Why is it so hard for people to see that? And why is it so hard for our president to see it? The beach party's over, dickhead. Now go put on a suit and tie and actually lead for a change."

Only hours after Obama was spotted on the Quincy Center strip, a hardcore show was organized at the George F. Bryan VFW post, featuring Shot Dead, of Wollaston, Manetcore 2000, of Hough's Neck, and Slapshot, the seminal Boston hardcore band, last in the news after a bitter courtroom battle with Comcast left them owing fifty percent of the profits from their latest single, "Why Does Comcast's 'All On' Button Never Fucking Work?"

Slapshot, tearing it up with the crowd, as they have done for the past 25 years.

Opening with their new track, "Another Presidential Mistake (The Thought of Free Health Care is a Confusing and Disturbing One)," Slapshot wooed the crowd with their intense blend of chugging guitar riffs, testosterone-fueled drum beats, angry vocals, and pyrotechnics.

"This is the thirty-seventh time I've seen Slapshot," said Jimmy Flynn, a spicy little nugget from the Wollaston Beach area, known for his constant wardrobe changes, being a silly goose, and his utter disgust for all things New York. "This was, by far, the best show yet. Their political songs rival the accuracy and journalistic intensity of Fox News. That show was so crazy. People were dropping like flies in there. We had fifteen Fallon Ambulance box trucks waiting outside, and it still wasn't enough. This city is about to fucking explode!"

As to why Obama was seen within the city limits, no one is completely sure. It is expected that we will soon know, however, as no Quincy resident has ever been able to keep their fucking mouth shut. Until further information is available, stay cool. Act natural. Don't do anything irrational. Just be yourself.


Anonymous said...

My "all on" button works. But that is because I am not a mutant idiot.

Beak Wilder said...

I don't believe you.

DoMxM617 said...

I fucking love your shit dude, you make me want to move back to Quincy.