Saturday, October 17, 2009

Local man takes on city over battle to preserve notorious Quincy Center watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went berserk last night over Quincy Center's ongoing development project, which announced in a press conference yesterday that it will be requiring the demolition of Tully's Cafe, a beloved watering hole, which has attracted the attention of the seedy underbelly of Quincy since it's very beginnings.

Authorities were dispatched to the Quincy Center strip at 10:38PM, last night, with reports of a drunken man and his followers organizing what was referred to as "an impressive rebellion," which was allegedly aiming to march through the city streets and storm City Hall in an epic display of pride and intolerance.

Authorities arrested several bar patrons, including Rick Rambone, an out-of-work, under-the-table bartender, who was reported to have been "so drunk that he would have gone down on Amy Winehouse."

Rambone was then taken in for questioning, where he repeatedly attempted to fondle his sweaty, repulsive testicles while being finger printed. It was an act that Rambone was no stranger to, as he has apparently pulled the exact same move a total of nine times over the twelve months.

Rambone was charged with attempted uprising, acting like a dickhead, and exposing himself to a police officer. He will be arraigned Monday morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Tully's Cafe, which has been plagued with a reputation so bad that Quincy has not seen the likes of it since the glory days of the Sag, has made no official statement regarding this. It is expected that all interested parties are still pondering their next move over a table of Old Grand Dad whiskey and Roche Bros. finger sandwiches.

Rambone, trying to get used to the idea of a life without Tully's.

"Those cops violated my right to protest," claimed Rambone, as he soothed the pain away with a series of key bumps and room temperature beers. "Tully's is the best bar in the whole entire world. There are no rules in there. Anything goes. You can dance on tables, you can crank butts in the back, you can do whatever you want. You could even make out with a toothless hooker, if you really wanted to. Nobody in that place has anything to lose, and they all know it. It's like an episode of HBO's Deadwood in there. And they have that hilarious painting with the three dogs, who are all wearing shirts, but not pants. And they're all looking for a golf ball. I'm pretty sure it's called 'In the Ruff,' but I'm not positive. What's gonna happen to that painting if Quincy knocks down Tully's? What's gonna happen to me? Without Tully's, my sex life would be nothing. I'd be at a total loss. The mayor's gonna be hearing from me on this one, you can count on that."

While some admit that Tully's may be good for the city, as it has been known to keep the more unsavory characters of the city in one place, others have gone so far as to say they are glad to hear the news of it's demise.

"Tully's is a bad place," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "A lot of really shady things have gone down there. It's definitely a no-questions-asked establishment, that's for sure. I remember when they found some Swedish nanny's torso on the roof of that place. Nobody would admit to seeing anything. They all just kept drinking their beers and sneaking off to the bathroom to do coke, it was disgusting. Some guy was running head-first into the jukebox for beers. And his girlfriend was getting dry humped by two guys who couldn't even keep their eyes open. It was a sad state of affairs. I've seen abortion clinic waiting rooms with more smiles than this place had. It's a dark place, even on an emotional level. I'm glad they're gonna be tearing it down. This city doesn't need a place like that. Good riddance."

Another perspective, which seems to be shared by a maximum of one resident of the area, is that this backdoor plotting against Tully's Cafe is the work of the enigmatic Craigslist Killer, the hilarious, bumbling psychopath who recently half-assed his way through a series of internet-related robberies and murder.

"The Craigslist Killer wants to make that entire street a black market prostitution zone," said Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy. "The Craigslist Killer has had his hands in this city development project since the very beginning. He's been giving Mayor Koch secret orders from his prison cell. That whole street that Tully's is on is gonna be one huge Hookerville by the time he's through with it. And, if he ever gets out of jail, he's gonna go straight there and just lose his fucking mind. It's gonna be like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto III, except this time, there's gonna be shitload more dead hookers."

The Craigslist Killer, having a good laugh over Tully's, while putting on his signature war jacket.

Llamas then grabbed the side mirror of a passing 215 bus and allowed himself to be dragged back to the west side of town, all while yelling, "Whatever it takes!" to the shocked and befuddled onlookers.

It is still unclear as to what particular drug Llamas had exposed himself to, but it is this reporter's opinion that it was a mix of raging barbiturates and mind-numbing downers.


KennyQuinn does breakfast said...

That is such an accurate description of Tully's. I really will miss that place.

Stefanie said...

Not since I worked at the Massachusetts Treatment Center have I been more sure that I was completely surrounded by sex offenders; this is how I describe the night I went to Tullys.

Tacky said...

Tully's is what makes Quincy great.

Beak Wilder said...

Tully's is definitely one of Quincy's finest hidden treasures. There is no debating this. It's a no-holds-barred look into our future.