Saturday, October 3, 2009

Harry's Carpet endorses Mayor Tom Koch

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Harry's Carpet of Wollaston Center announced their official endorsement of incumbent Mayor Tom Koch today, causing some to believe that a new "Carpetgate" scandal may possibly be on the horizon.

Mayor Koch, who became an instant media sensation after purchasing $18,000 worth of wall-to-wall carpeting, a mere seventeen seconds after being elected for his first term, won the primary election vote two weeks ago, and will face Bill Phelan in the general election on November 3rd.

Mayor Koch eventually used leftover campaign funds to pay for half the cost of the controversial carpet, but, like Deval Patrick and his insanely priced drapes, only after he was caught by taxpayers and local press.

Other taxpayer-funded amenities the mayor awarded himself after being sworn into office include a luxurious conference table, six pairs of Adidas shell toes, a huge-as-fuck flat-screen television, and an in-ground swimming pool, the latter of which he retroactively disposed of at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School, using a crudely built time machine and a series of bold-faced lies.

The controversial carpet, adorned with wacky snakes, crazy dice, and games of Tic-Tac-Toe.

"Mayor Koch is a decent man," claimed Harry Pickle, owner of Harry's Carpet and co-founder of Bam Kid! carpet cleaning products. "He's an excellent mayor, and an even better customer. I honestly can't wait until he gets re-elected. It's important to us that he remains in City Hall. The second that guy wins, I'm gonna carpet the living shit outta that place. Maybe even the world!"

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, stated in a press release earlier in the week that the ever-building rumors of Harry's Carpet's endorsement was both "flattering and expected."

"I don't think it's right that the mayor thinks he can buy whatever he wants on our tax dollars," remarked Shirley Waystead, an unemployed, alcoholic floozy with virtually no gag reflex. "That guy only cares about himself. He's fuckin' it up for the people that's in the streets! And he's not the best looking dude, either. He's one of the twenty-three people in Quincy that I actually wouldn't go down on. Not even for coke, no pun intended."

Shirley Waystead, slugging an entire bottle of extremely cheap, room temperature white wine.

Shirley Waystead was last in the news one week ago, when she found her friend Nicki Pangrano's body stuffed into the trunk of a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, which was rumored to be filled to the brim with smashed wrist watches.

Authorities still have no suspects in the Pangrano murder, although it seems clear that is related to a recent rash of slayings in Quincy, as a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found crammed inside her vajayjay.


Anonymous said...

Fukin' about fukin time, KID!

Beakeysdad said...

That carpet definetly has a bizarre life of it's own.