Monday, October 19, 2009

Mayor questioned after hot air balloon mishap turns out to be complete bullshit

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch found himself in the hot seat today after a hot air balloon mishap, which became the City of Presidents' top story of the afternoon, turned out to be complete and utter bullshit.

News outlets throughout the city learned a darker side of the carpet-loving mayor, as what was at one point thought to be Mayor Koch stuck inside of a hot air balloon, which was hovering over an unused patch at Quarry Hills, turned out to be nothing more than a distasteful hoax.

The hot air balloon, which the city had been working on since last fall, was designed to monitor electronic waves generated by Dunkin' Donuts Great Ones, so that, if there ever was a sudden shortage, they could locate them before the city broke out into a full-scale, balls-to-the-wall riot.

Why the mayor would be in the balloon in the first place, no one questioned.

The hot air balloon project, reportedly coined "Project Crazy Falcon," was set to begin in early November, and is rumored to be the most monumentally fucking ridiculous and expensive idea Quincy has ever had since they demolished the abandoned pharmacy in Brewer's Corner on Cinco de Mayo, 2005.

There is still no word as to why the city had made no plans of using this hot air balloon, which is said to have been able to monitor a single Great One within a thirteen mile radius, in any attempt at locating the elusive Great One Killer. It is speculated that this idea simply just never came about at the last breakfast meeting, partially because authorities have been distracted by homeless people whipping their cocks out on the library lawn, but mainly because this city is run by an idiot.

As to why the mayor would pull such a hoax, no one can be sure. But recent photographs of the mayor performing Madball's Set it Off, in it's entirety, at a backyard karaoke party have surfaced, causing some to believe it was merely a distraction, designed to keep Quincy occupied while he got shitfaced and butchered a whole bunch of otherwise enjoyable New York hardcore songs.

Mayor Koch, performing "Across Your Face" with a couple of friends.

"I'll tell you what this shit is," remarked Marty "The One Man Party" Renewal. "This is some bullshit, that's what it is. That guy had everybody in the city glued to QATV, wondering if the he was gonna be okay. He was about thirty feet high, too. If that thing dropped, he probably would have exploded. I was at Tully's Cafe, drinking with my friends, Glen and Roy, and their attorney, Allen. Every one of us totally believed that he was stuck in that balloon. And then, hours later, the news starts showing pictures and video footage of him covering Madball songs, and starting mosh pits, and basically just acting like a tremendous douche. I think this whole city should find some sort of class action man and file a huge lawsuit on his ass. Fuck that mayor!"

How anyone can be sure that these photographs and videos of the mayor's backyard antics actually took place during the hot air balloon incident is still up for speculation. Rumors of the mayor screaming, "Today is October 19th, 2009" have flooded the streets, however, have yet to be confirmed by famed problem solver Matty Hammers.

"The mayor clearly stated the date in the video footage I was given," Hammers later confirmed. "And he clearly stated the time. Over and over and over again, actually. And there's little doubt in my mind that anyone who once knew how to successfully tamper with VHS cassette tapes is already long dead by now. I may not be a doctor. And I may not be Bruce Dickinson. But what I am is a scientist. And I deem the photographs and footage that were provided to me legitimate and not tampered with."

Matty Hammers, who earned the moniker "the human equivalent of a great white shark," after beating the living shit out of News Radio's Maura Tierney, then went on to add how he believes this incident will only help Phelan's campaign.

Bill Phelan, obviously ecstatic upon hearing of Koch's latest antics.

"Look, I would never go as far as to actually go against the mayor," said Phelan spokesman Willy Meade. "But that was sort of a dick move, you know? If the mayor keeps pulling shit like this, Bill's gonna be sitting in that office again, and the chubby boy will be back in North Quincy, sitting on his fat ass and eating chips. Not that that's any different than his life now, but he won't be lounging on luxury carpet anymore, that's for sure. The time has come for change, and that change is Bill Phelan. On November 3rd, if you're sick and tired of your tax dollars going towards buying the mayor extravagant goodies, vote for the ginger. If not, we will find you. And you don't wanna see my bad side. Trust me."


Anonymous said...

the Mayor has sure done it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...


Darth Vader said...

WTF...this is funny shit....Beak Wilder for Mayor...bitches