Monday, October 26, 2009

Faneuil Hall closes its doors in wake of recent invasion of South Shore girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Faneuil Hall has announced that it will be closing its doors for an unspecified amount of time in the wake of a recent invasion of Whitman girls, which led to no less than four people covered in beer, two humiliated whores, at least one broken pint glass, and an extremely disappointed bouncer.

The incident took place on Friday evening at Hennessy's, at an otherwise peaceful rock concert, where South Shore band, HeadSpace, was performing a handful of Blackbelt and Brawl Park covers to an anxious and loving crowd.

As reported, the show's first set was a great success, although quickly turned sour during the second set, when Dino Bland, a mid-ranking member of Quincy’s nightlife, accidentally spilled a single drop of beer on Diana Hoarface, an out-of-work film star from Revere, as she was discussing where in the bar would be safe to do cocaine.

Hoarface, as seen in a clip from her most recent adult film, All Dogs Go to Revere.

Upon seeing this spill, Hoarface then attempted to slap the drink out of Bland’s hand, unknowing at the time that an army of angry Whitman girls lurked just behind him.

It was at this point that Heather Velangie, a horse whisperer from Whitman, who was reportedly dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of tights, allegedly took her entire beer and doused Hoarface in front of everyone. This, of course, was followed by Velangie whipping her then-empty pint glass at one of Hoarface’s ridiculous, whore-faced friends, missing her by only inches.

Liza Stufart, an aspiring housewife from Whitman, was said to have then stepped into the scuffle, sneaking up on Hoarface’s side and blasting her in the face in an epic display that was described by onlookers as “the most impressive sneak attack since the Velociraptor took out the game warden in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park.”

Bouncers and doormen throughout the establishment then attempted to stabilize the madness, but were taken by surprise as younger sister, Jeanne Stufart, began indiscriminately launching kickballs at the waitstaff and security. There is still no word on why over a hundred kickballs were in the bar at the time, although it is expected that the Sturage sisters had planned this event longer before it happened.

All patrons were then escorted to the Faneuil Hall border, where they were gassed and electrocuted until calm.

Velangie and both Stufart sisters were arrested later that evening. Velangie and Liza Stufart were charged with roughing, cross-checking, charging, overly asserting the fact that the South Shore is awesome, and the unauthorized dumping of Shock Top Belgian White ale. Jeanne Stufart was charged with inciting an unnecessary kickball game and multiple counts of unsportsmanlike conduct. They were scheduled to be arraigned this Monday morning, however, were let go almost immediately after, as the judge declared the entire situation “too hilarious” to try in court.

The Whitman girls, participating in a potato sack race while awaiting trial.

Hennessy’s was unavailable for comment on this matter, but did release a statement, which says that they will no longer be allowing residents from Quincy and/or Whitman into their establishment. They have also stated that this recent disregard for human behavior has caused them to consider no longer offering their famous "half off cheese fries" special, which runs every Tuesday afternoon.

“I don't know what happened,” said Johnny Augmentin, lead guitarist of HeadSpace and inventor of Augmentin, the combination antibiotic containing amoxicillin trihydrage, whose show was interrupted by the inciting chaos. "Some bummin' whore got a little beer spilled on her, and then, all of the sudden, it was a fucking fiesta in there. There was no hesitation. The second that Quincy kid got his beer slapped, those Whitman chicks went nuts. They were like Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return. It was fucking insane. It's safe to say that Boston got a nice, little taste of a Whitman's Sampler that night. I just feel bad for dudes that are married to chicks like that. Seriously, I couldn't even imagine that. That's gotta be tough.”


Heather Velangie went on to form Friday Night Fight-Tights, a Whitman-based company, which manufactures compressive elastic leg tights designed to ensure limberness and agility while spin-kicking your way through the Boston club scene.

Liza Stufart eventually married neighborhood heartthrob, John Commenton, becoming the wacky housewife she had always dreamed of. Her wedding took place the very next day at Pizzano's Pizza in Whitman.

Jeanne Stufart went on to become the first Whitman resident to ever successfully pull off a triple lutz on dry pavement. She then lost this ability shortly after waking up the following day. She is currently being cared for at South Shore Hospital in Weymouth, where doctors say it "could definitely go either way."

Johnny Augmentin eventually lost all of his interests in the pharmaceutical industry in a heated game of Texas Hold 'Em, causing him to take his own life by swallowing nineteen bottles of Augmentin. He was later revived, however, as Governor Deval Patrick ordered the forceful removal of an unliked, but very healthy, West Quincy kid's organs. Augmentin's surgery went better than expected, and he was released this morning to the care of his barber, as he was in bad need of a shave.


TomTurkolio said...

Whitman is a bordering town of Abington so nothing in this article comes as a surprise to me! To say that these girls are ruthless is an understatement! One time while attending an event at Main Street Bar and Grill in Weymouth one of them showed up, and while inside whacking back Irish Car Bombs like it was the blood of Christ she noticed that a friends motorcycle had been knocked over in the parking lot by a drunken attendee, she immediately bashed her way through the crowd, busted through the door, did a front flip over the railing (bypassing the handicap ramp), landing on the hood of the drunks car before he even had a chance to take the car out of reverse and reached into the car and removed the dudes keys (all of this done in hi-heels). This then allowed enough time for the rest of them to exit the bar and within seconds all the hair on top of this guys head had been ripped out, his nose was bloodied, and his mouth received multiple fish hooks! It was intense!

He even reported having his gas tank urinated into! I don't know how a girl could even do something like that, it doesn't even seem possible!

Beak Wilder said...

This is one for the books. This story made my entire day. Just knowing that this little pistol is on our side makes me feel safe when I walk the streets.

paul the pirate (Yar!) said...

You should be getting this into print form. There are no wi-fi hotspots at the few places in Quincy's T stations where there aren't any puddles of wino pee. I would suggest kicking out the U of Q from the old Ledger building. You should let the electrolysis boutique on the 2nd floor stay there, though. The girls from west Quincy need her, as they're naturally quite fuzzy.

Beak Wilder said...

You're right, West Quincy girls need all the help they can get.