Wednesday, October 14, 2009

City Hall prepares for controversial investment plan as illegal Quincy pharmaceutical laboratory introduces 800mg OxyContin

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An illegal pharmaceutical laboratory in Quincy introduced the brand new 800mg OxyContin today to mixed reviews, raising eyebrows from the city's conservative Republican side, which, based on the 2008 census, represents approximately 0.000009% of the population.

The laboratory, which is located in the basement level of the DB Mart in Adams Shore, is currently under investigation for faulty business practices, slave labor, duplication and distribution of snuff films, and unauthorized drug manufacturing, and was previously expected to go out of business by their next electric bill.

The 800mg OxyContin, which is rumored to be so powerful that it makes even Lady Gaga sound good, will be introduced to the market by Cinco de Mayo, 2010, and will most likely only be prescribed to those who have broken every single bone in their body, although it is considered to do significantly better in the black market, as it will be readily available in almost all neighborhoods and schools.

Detractors of the pill claim that it will not only devastate the city, but will also leave taxpayers with an enormous bill, as it has been speculated that Mayor Thomas Koch will drain nearly all of the city's available funds and invest them in this soon-to-be-flourishing underground drug trade.

"OxyContin is big business," remarked political scapegoat Joe Schlopp, last in the news after being caught sleeping through an entire three-hour business meeting with his left testicle hanging out of his pants. "The city needs to invest where there is money to be made, and right now, that's in high potency opiates."

Schlopp then failed to answer the following nineteen questions, as he drifted off into what appeared to be a deep and peaceful slumber, which was later discovered to be a near-fatal overdose.

The OxyContin 800 in all of its glory, ready to make even the largest of dudes nod the fuck out.

"I think investing in OxyContin could be wonderful for this city," said Shawnathan Brandis, a limousine driver from West Quincy, who rates an impressive 6-out-of-10 on the sex appeal scale. "Everybody I know loves OxyContin. It makes you feel great, it's a great way to pick up chicks, and it has virtually no side effects. And now that it's ten times stronger, it's gonna be ten times better. And that's more than just the opinion of one man. That's plain and simple math, my friend. And it doesn't get much more accurate than math."

Suddenly collapsing on the ground like a bag of bricks, Brandis was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead immediately.

Although most in the city are in favor of the mayor's investment proposal, others have taken it upon themselves to protest the idea, some of them resorting to painting their faces the deep purple color of a recently-overdosed drug abuser and laying motionless in front of City Hall. This, of course, has led to multiple arrests, a handful of citations, and at least one case of somebody literally shitting himself. The latter of which would later be deemed unrelated, as it was discovered to be Alec "Alley Boy" Harris, a man known in Quincy for his constant, troublesome battle with irritable bowel syndrome.

"The city was going to shit with 80mg OxyContins, nevermind 800mg!" barked Partiana Tarter, the self-proclaimed "Bridget Fonda of Quincy," last in the media's eye for ending up at JJ Foley's a record twenty-eight nights in a row. "OxyContin is bad enough as it is. The last thing this city needs is more drug-related deaths. I don't even have to ask how people died anymore in this city. I automatically assume it's either a drug overdose or another erotic asphyxiation mishap. The people of this city are about to go down quicker than a Germantown slut on Ecstasy. I don't even understand. This is just another one of the mayor's bullshit games so he can pocket more money and get a functional disco ball installed in his office."


lizabeth said...

My best friend was obsessed with Jonathon Brandis whe we were kids. She had posters of him lining her bedroom walls like wall paper. I could see them when I looked out my bedroom window which looked directly into hers. Shes gone now but I got Shawnathon Brandis pictures lining my walls.

KennyQuinn does breakfast said...

I worked with kid named Seanathan a while back. He quit because he was on his way to being a rap superstar called Shizz.

Beak Wilder said...

But I've never heard of a famous rapper named Shizz. Oh, wait...I see what you're getting at. He never made it, did he?

And Lizabeth, do you have any Shawnathan Brandis pictures to spare? A lot of us have walls, too.

lizabeth said...

No shit, I met a guy at that all night diner near JJ foleys and his name was Shizz and he was trying to sell me drugs. He might have tried to sell me a line about being a rapper but I cant recall because I was at an all night diner near JJ foleys.
And yes beakey there is actually a picture of me and shawnathon hidden in the Maggots Nest. Underneath the shelf in the kitchen. no shit.