Friday, May 29, 2009

"Free Breakfast" sign outside Presidents' City Inn proves to stir up stiff competition for restaurants

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Restaurants and breakfast establishments throughout the city are calling for an all-out ban on the Presidents' City Inn's complimentary breakfast plan, claiming it has been hampering their businesses in a time when they need customers the most.

"You can't compete with free," remarked Dino Bland, an amateur venture capitalist known for investing ludicrous amounts of money into forgettable businesses, such as Tony's Pizza in Wollaston and Louis' Crossing in Hough's Neck. "This is a vicious attack on the local food industry, and it's hurting businesses everywhere. For the same price it would cost you to take a nice, respectable girl out to the Fat Cat for dinner and few drinks, you can get a room, a cheap bottle of booze, and do a bunch of weird shit to a hooker all night long. And then you get to wake up to a hot breakfast. They're monopolizing the entire customer base of Quincy."

But not all residents agree with Quincy's collective decision to set forth the free breakfast ban. "I've been coming to this place for years," said Shawnie Brando, a longtime patron of the motel, who along with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Longfur, have spent over a hundred nights in the Presidents' City Inn's undebatably questionable sleeping arrangements. "Some of the people who stay here stay up all night long, smashing bags of coke up their nose and slapping around call girls. Honestly, that stale piece of toast they get in the morning is probably the only thing keeping them alive. I think it's a very nice gesture, and it's part of the reason I stay here."

"I like to stay there once in a bit and give a lady of leisure a jolly rogering in the arse," said Michael A. Hearst, a Quincy local known for his recent annoying fascination with the British vernacular. "Who wants to buy a slovenly trollop some bangers and mash when there's free toast to be had?"

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Quincy-originally-being-part-of-Braintree revealed to be nothing more than Wikipedia rumor

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an exciting, new revelation, a twelve person panel of high ranking city officials have discovered that Quincy was, in fact, never considered part of Braintree, as was previously thought by many historians. The investigatory panel, which was handpicked by the mayor last Tuesday as part of the city's new "Fuck Braintree" campaign, uncovered this truth late last night, just after they scientifically proved that, on average, any one given Quincy kid could take two Braintree kids in a fight, even if both arms were tied behind his back.

"We did a crazy amount of research, and we literally couldn't find a single piece of evidence showing that Quincy was originally a part of Braintree," commented former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp. "Other than what Wikipedia says, it's all just a bunch of hearsay. People like to talk. They like to run their mouths and stir the pot, especially if they're from one of our less fortunate bordering towns. This is obviously a rumor started by Braintree, most likely out of jealousy for how many train stations we have. We have four, and Braintree only has one. And don't even get me started on bus routes---we have millions of them. It was a pretty extensive study we did, and I'm confident in the fact that we have nothing to do with Braintree whatsoever. We didn't exactly reference any actual books, or anything like that, but we asked around on message boards, talked in chat rooms, checked out some of the leading websites, busted out a little Twitter action, and stuff like that. See, the mayor got everybody these new iPhones, and, to be honest, we couldn't really take our hands off them, so we were pretty much all set with going to the library. Did you know that you can point an iPhone up to the sky while a song is playing and it will tell you what song it is? It can figure out any song in the world. Well, it couldn't figure out my own band's song, now that I think about it, but that was probably just a glitch, because my band is actually starting to get really well known around here. We're playing tonight at Firefly's with Ernie & The Automatics, if anyone's interested."

Some Quincy residents took the recent news as a chance to further slander the notoriously boring town. "I don't even consider Braintree an actual place," said Spanky, a former Iron Chef winner from Quincy Point. "What do they even have aside from the mall and Chili's? Nothing---that's what they have---nothing but a bunch of pussies and some disgusting, cheap motel next to a rundown Bickford's."

Braintree residents, however, had no hesitation forming their rebuttal. "This only further proves the ignorance that Quincy is known for," remarked Dick Strong, head historian for Braintree's Water and Sewage Department. "If you look at Braintree's sewer system, it's set to run directly into the heart of Wollaston Beach. Would our town ever have been able to pull that off if we weren't, at one point, their leader? Quincy kid's are gonna have to come to the realization that they were once Braintree. There's just no way around it. The facts are the facts."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Beloved breakfast place closes to dismay of Quincy residents, resulting in awkward renaming

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Overwhelming panic has filled the streets of Quincy as a mysterious sign replacement was revealed to have occurred while nobody was looking at the restaurant once known as the Egg and I. The sign change, which states the new name of the restaurant as Lori Anne's, caused a citywide freakout almost immediately after being noticed by nearby Wolly Mount kids, resulting in an all-night riot, leaving many critically injured and at least one dead.

"We have quite a situation on our hands," said Officer Nico Haylen, a diabetic cop known for his constant handgun misuse. "So far, these riots have resulted in thirteen people getting blasted in the face, eight people who have been hit with a brick, one unfortunate dude who was drowned in a pool of his own urine, and at least two back alley brawls that make the twelve-minute fight scene in They Live look like an ordinary scuffle. Anybody who tries to pull this shit while I'm here is getting a needle full of insulin right in the fucking temple."

Some of those who survived the riots claimed to have an odd sense of empathy with those who lost control. "I'm not saying it's right," claimed Jeff Archaic, an aspiring dancer from North Quincy. "I sort of understand though. That place has been the Egg and I for as long as I can remember. They should have just kept the name the same and everything would have gone so much smoother. All they did was literally change the letters on the already existing sign. It's like they were trying to pull one over on us. I don't even know how to feel about this, it's all a bit confusing to me. This entire city is spiraling out of control."

Authorities are still on the lookout for multiple key players in the riots, especially in one case where a man apparently got so confused by the recent change of ownership that he actually grabbed a baby out of a passing lady's stroller and spiked it on the ground like a football. "That was so brutal," commented Neal James, a known troublemaker from Wollaston. "He spiked that baby so hard that you could actually hear it hit the ground. It sounded like a trash bag full of wet Koosh balls hitting the pavement. It was the most out-of-place sound I have ever heard come out of a baby's body, and I once saw a baby puke and shit herself at the same time."

No word yet on if the baby has made public his intentions of a counter attack, although it is assumed that this matter is not finished. Until further information is available, the city has advised it's residents to remain indoors until the majority of people in this city have come to terms with the fact that the Egg and I is gone.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Well known South Shore kids make presence known in not-so-well-known Quincy bar

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy's Blue 22 Bar & Grille made an official statement this morning that they will no longer be serving, or catering to the needs of, maggots, assholes, dickweeds, or ridiculously shitty dancers. This event, which has already spawned further bars to enact the new rule, was aired on cable access television at approximately 8:00AM, making it so absolutely no maggot, asshole, dickweed, or ridiculously shitty dancer was awake to see it.

"Those kids are all maggots and dickweeds," said Tom Turkolio, an ironworker from Abington who is constantly getting all up in Quincy's business. "They were ridiculously shitty dancers, too. I haven't seen anybody flail their arms like that since my boy, Dean Kablenko, told his girlfriend he had gonorrhea for an April Fool's joke. That chick totally believed him, too. It was the funniest fucking shit I've ever seen in my entire life. I totally forgot about that shit until just now."

"It was just getting a bit crazy in here," commented Jacquelin McCrockforth, an everyday patron of the bar. "Those kids were the most South Shore. Some were from Abington, some from Weymouth---even Whitman---and they were all wicked crazy. At the end of the night, they wouldn't leave. They just kept partying. I had to chase them all out with a Bic lighter and a can of Aqua Net. I thought I was gonna have to take down a few motherfuckers."

In a possibly related event, a South Shore man was arrested yesterday in Boston after going onto a rooftop and declaring war against the entire world, followed by strategically taking out any police officer that went near him. "The mind of a South Shore kid is an amazing thing," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "At a certain point, all South Shore people crack, and they immediately flee to the rooftops to pursue a life of all-encompassing ridiculousness. That's what happened here, he just, all of the sudden, went absolute apeshit, or 'AAS,' as we call it in the field. Trust me, I'm the eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst in Boston. Do you have any idea what that means? It means that there's only seven people in Boston that are better than me at my job. I'm okay with that. Those are stats I can live with."

Authorities have made it publicly known that all attendees of Blue 22 on Saturday night are wanted for questioning in regards to crimes of public foolishness and unauthorized hip gyrations. Authorities have also warned the public about another South Shore man who is reportedly on a weekend-long tirade about how Montclair is the best part of Quincy. He is to be considered armed and extremely shitfaced, and has been known to wear the following t-shirt for weeks at a time.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Another thriving West Quincy business closes in wake of falling economy, rising drug addiction

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Yet another West Quincy business has called it quits in what is being referred to as the "shortest business venture since the recycled condom sales debacle of 1996." Mom & Pops Neighborhood Variety, which was located on the corner of Copeland Street and Cross Street, was open for business for approximately three hours and seventeen minutes before closing it's doors to the shame of the entire neighborhood. Becoming one of the most immediate failures Quincy has ever seen, the poorly planned corner store has caused local residents to wonder if West Quincy is simply out of ideas on how to compete in an age where ideas count the most.

"I have no idea why anyone would open a variety store up only a hundred feet from Copeland Package," said Tony Manchego, an out-of-work middleman from Suomi Road. "Copeland Package has everything you could ever need. That place is the most accommodating store I have ever done business in. They literally removed the entire laundromat portion of their business so they could find enough space to fit more alcoholic beverages. If a West Quincy resident needs to do laundry and buy liquor, but only has enough money to do one---trust me---they're buying the liquor."

Others from the area complained about the lackluster service Mom & Pops offered during it's short stay. "I went in there to buy a quart of milk and the dude was nodding off on the counter. That dude was definitely sniffin' bags out back, there's no way around it. I had to wake the dude up just to get him to cash me out. I took about ten steps out of there and, by the time I looked back, the place was already out of business. The fucking kid's still in there sleeping, too. He just keeps waking up every couple of hours to sniff more bags, it's fucking nasty. Somebody should put that kid in rehab, and maybe give him a little lesson on how and where to use apostrophes. This whole fucking town is going to shit."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Austen's Dead awarded keys to the city, voted "Official Band of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a black tie event being held earlier this afternoon at the Marriott Hotel in Quincy, Austen's Dead was awarded the keys to the city, just after receiving the "Official Band of Quincy" award, which was decided upon by a unanimous decision. The band, who were known for their misogynistic and generally spiteful lyrics, has been a fan favorite for Quincy locals since the early nineties.

"The mayor is a big fan of Austen's Dead," said Trim Whitman, a former City Hall filing clerk who was recently promoted as one of the mayor's chief advisors. "I think everybody knows how much the mayor hates nannies, so, with that being said, they've always been one of his favorite bands. When he heard that song with them poking fun at the Swedish nanny whose torso was found all hacked up, he couldn't stop laughing. He's a good guy, and just about as close to a perfect mayor as one could ask for, but he's got a sick fucking sense of humor."

Others who were at the ceremony admittedly did not see eye-to-eye with the mayor, some of them openly calling for an immediate impeachment. Most residents who were in attendance took to picketing the event, stating that the award should be given to a more wholesome band, such as 4 Heads Deep, Jetavana Grove, Full House Crew, or at the very least, Just Add Water.

Those who agreed with the decision, however, teamed up against the protesters, forcefully removing them from the festivities. "Why these bitches frontin'?" said Brian "Hardball" Jones, a longtime fan of the band. "We're talking about a band who used to put actual slaughtered pig heads on top of their amplifiers while they played. If that's not enough to qualify a band for this award, I don't know what is."

Download: Zero Man (MP3 File)

Tupac-Biggie feud revealed to have started in North Quincy watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a so far developing story, Matt "Harpo" Doughty, a message board user from Germantown, has revealed his side of the infamous Tupac-Biggie feud, claiming its origins can be traced back to Quincy, Mass.

"It all started one night at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks in North Quincy," claimed Doughty. "I remember it like it was yesterday. Tupac was at the table across from me and he was ordering fajitas. I remember it clearly because he couldn't decide between chicken and steak, and was thrilled to find out that they offered a combination of the two. A few minutes later, Biggie Smalls showed up. He ordered the nachos, I believe, followed by two sides of mashed potatoes with extra butter, and then another order of nachos. Everything seemed to be going okay, but they were drinking these huge margaritas that this bartender, Tim, used to make, and they got into a huge argument over which side of the Dinosaur Jr. feud they fell on. Tupac was trying to tell Biggie how he sided with J Mascis, because he was the 'undisputed leader of the band', and Lou Barlow 'should have just shut up and played bass.' Biggie got furious when he heard that. He kept telling Tupac about how 'Lou Barlow was merely sticking up for himself,' and no matter who the leader was, 'there's only so much one person can take.' That's when the argument started to take a turn for the worse. After that, shit got seriously out of hand."

Nervously lighting a cigarette, Doughty continued to explain the events at the otherwise peaceful North Quincy bar. "Tupac stood right up in Biggie's face and said that Lou Barlow was an 'overly meek stoner dude who fears confrontation.' That didn't go over well with Biggie, not at all. 'Oh yeah?' Biggie screamed. 'Well, J Mascis is a tyrannical madman whose hair is prematurely graying due to the guilt he has from mistreating his bandmates'. And that was about all she wrote for Murphy's that night. At that point, everybody just got out of there as quick as they could. The entire way to my car, all I could hear was shouting and screaming. And then there were gunshots. After that, Tupac and Biggie never spoke to each other again, at least not as friends. The rest is just history."

No one knows yet if this is the first occurrence of a major celebrity feud starting in Quincy, although some speculate that most are, in fact, born in the City of Presidents. So far, the Quincy Scallion is the only news source to bring forth this shocking story. It is a story in which the facts are so undeniably believable that the only question left is whether, or not, this beautiful city could have stepped in and prevented a coastal hip-hop war that left two young artists dead.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cops called record nine hundred times in one night due to insane party

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities responded to an overwhelming nine hundred disturbance calls last night when a party in West Quincy took a turn for the worse. The party, which was reportedly still going on since Cinco de Mayo, was raided by a team of seven cops and a handful of recently sleep-deprived neighbors, although backup officers were called to the scene almost immediately after, as it became increasingly clear that they were no match for the horrors found inside.

"We received more calls about this party than the we did the time some disgruntled Zoots employee started launching his own feces at people with a makeshift catapult," said Officer John Steele. "Apparently, the party has been going steady since Cinco de Mayo, which, according to, was almost two weeks ago to the day. We arrived on the scene at approximately 8:30PM and found what appeared to be two elderly ladies, one of which was violently puking, along with one of the sketchiest dudes I had ever seen in my entire fucking life."

Disturbance calls were still coming into the Quincy Police switchboard at the time of this story. While officers on the scene declined to comment on the nature of the alleged charges being brought against the partygoers, they did inform the Scallion that all retired Quincy Police officers were being asked to come to the location as additional help is sorely needed.

Vice Detective Bill Schwoops, a twenty-year veteran of the force, announced loudly his shock at the event. “This shit is ridiculous! Look at that guy in there!” The unidentified male, who, according to local legend, is rumored to be 180 years old, was repeatedly seen by onlookers doing his signature pose of staring creepily out the main front window. “I swear, I’m quitting this gig tomorrow,” declared Schwoops. “I do not get paid enough to put up with this insanity.”

The three-person party, raging strong after a fortnight, had not only received complaints from neighbors, but from local businesses, as well. Many store owners simply closed down their shops as customers stayed home to avoid any possible contact with the area. Tipsy Bilboburowski, owner of an industrial waste plant two streets over, was overheard to mention that he would shut down his plant for good as it is not clear when, if ever, this outrageous shindig would end.

"This area just isn't what it used to be," remarked Glenn Glynn, an exotic masseuse who has worked at the Finland Steam Baths for the past seven years. "I don't mind watching kids eating acid and smashing OxyContins on the street corner---never have, never will. That just comes with having a business in West Quincy. But when I can't even walk down the street without getting stared down by some absolute creep in a 1970's silk shirt and a can of beer so cheap they don't even sell it at the Brewer's Corner packy, that's when I call it quits. Those cops aren't gonna be able to do shit about that party---it's just been going on too long---it's become too strong. I've seen at least twenty cops go into that place and not a single one of them have come out. The only thing that happens is the party just keeps getting louder. It's like those three are just absorbing the power of anyone who enters."

More on this breaking story as it unfolds. Until then, the Scallion recommends that all passersby avoid going anywhere near West Quincy, and, at the very least, stay the fuck out of that godforsaken house.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Ritz Motel announces reopening in North Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Against the wishes of both the public and it’s own management, the infamous Ritz Motel in North Quincy is reopening this summer as part of Mayor Thomas Koch's publicly panned "Saucy Moves" campaign.

Thrice voted the “Sketchiest Shade Hole” in Quincy Seedy Motels Magazine (1992, 1993 and 1998), the Ritz Motel was the location of numerous indescribable acts of inhumane behavior over the years. Closed down by the city several years ago due to pressure from both Capital Hill and PETA, the Ritz has decided to open it’s doors once again, causing a general feeling of disgust to rush through the city.

“That place was the worst,” remarked Val Vickson, a part time bookie and owner of the Ritz. “I just can’t believe it’s reopening. I never wanted to hear those words”.

Neighbors of the establishment were equally appalled. Hark McGark, an unfortunately named unemployed plumber who declined to give his address, stated that the motel was “wicked disgusting” and “the place where dreams go to die.”

Others in the area recalled horrific tales from their past. "I was staying there for an hour once," commented Geraldine Grimplesche, a short order cook from Hough's Neck. "I used to take my lunch break there and read romance novels. It was obviously a gross place, but where else can you rent a room in fifteen minute intervals? I got pregnant two times just from sitting on the bed there once. I don't even know how that happens. I can think of one way---just one---but it's fucking disgusting. I'm gonna go home and boil myself now."

"The mayor has no clue what he's doing," said Matty Southside, a former South Quincy legend. "Clearly, he has no idea the breed of filthy, ridiculous freaks this is gonna bring in from over the bridge. I knew a guy who used to drink at the Cathay Pacific all night long and just stare at the old whores until he couldn't take it anymore. Next thing you know, he's at the Ritz Motel, cranking one out in the sink. What a nasty dude that guy was. I don't care if the mayor gets Billy Mays to pitch this shit at top volume on every cable access station in the city---it's not gonna work."

Quincy gynecologist makes bold business move

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local gynecologist has stirred up quite a bit of controversy over the weekend with his decision to put up a 'HOT CHICKS ONLY' sign on the front door of his business. Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando, owner of Juan's Famous OB/GYN & BBQ Rib Shack, was more than happy to shed some light on his side of the story.

"I think it's a misunderstanding," he explained. "If a fat chick wants to buy some ribs off me, I'm totally fine with that. My barbecue rib shack would go out of business if I didn't cater to fat chicks. I'm a businessman, I'm not stupid. The sign was for the OB/GYN side of the business. I probably should have been more clear on that."

Dr. Fernando was almost assaulted yesterday as he attempted to leave his business and meet up with a few friends for a night of drinking. Authorities were dispatched to the scene, where they found a large group of rather disgusting looking women, all protesting the doctor's decision to refuse service to those with a more unsavory appearance. The doctor was then taken into police protection for the night, causing him to miss what was described as "the best fucking party ever."

"I'm not saying it's right," said Officer Gruff McGraw, a known badass. "But I understand. Who am I to tell this guy how to run his business?"

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Recent study conducted by scientists shows that "time is money up in this world"

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study has finally proven the Neal Diamondz theory of "time is money up in this world." The reportedly complex study, which was conducted by an insane amount of scientists, was performed in the basement level of the mini-complex formally known as "The Maggot's Nest" in West Quincy.

"Further research shows that the more time people spend at work, the more money they make," said Stina Bellcamp, a veterinarian whose presence was legally required to ensure that no animals were hurt during the testing. "We have found what appears to be a direct link between time and money, and can state that they are both, in fact, up in this world. In the world of biomedical veterinary science, it's truly the only concrete theory that holds up."

The theory began in the late nineties when local rap artist, Neal Diamondz, wrote "Sayin' She's My Lady," a fan favorite among Quincy's lowbrow community. The song itself was praised by critics, and was considered by many to be a complex study of conflicting emotions when dealing with the trials and tribulations of a life full of bitches and hoes. Since it's release, Neal Diamondz has remained one of the leading artists within his genre, becoming known for his tongue-in-cheek lyrics, flashy attire, "who cares" attitude, and visually stunning performances.

"I'm a scientist," said Dr. Calvin Funkenstein, a local scientist known for his wacky adventures in the research lab. "If there's anybody out there that's gonna prove something, it's me. Is time up in this world---yes. Is money up in this world---of course it is, I make a shitload of it. Using this flimsy equation, one can easily conclude that if time equals this world, and if money also equals this world, then time must, in fact, also equal money. 'Time = Money (Up in this World)' is the new 'E=MC²,' except this time, people can actually explain what it means. It's simple shit, really. It's just the transitive property you learn in high school algebra. You don't even actually have to be a scientist to come to the conclusion, it just helps."

Neal Diamondz was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, if he had commented, it is assumed that the ladies would have been all up on that shit.

Download: Sayin' She's My Lady (MP3 File)

Friday, May 15, 2009

Homeless residents at Father Bill's Place make vague threats of revolution, demand higher quality ingredients in their bagel pizzas

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Homeless residents staying at Father Bill's Place in Quincy have made it known that they have full intentions of starting an all-out revolution against the city unless they are provided with better ingredients for their bagel pizzas.

Father Bill's Place, which is privately funded, was founded by Father William McCarthy in 1982. Since then, Father Bill's Place has provided multiple services for rehabilitating drug abusers, mentally disabled men and women, down-and-out VCR repairmen, those who like to take it easy, and people who just basically feel like they are exempt from actually working for a living.

"We've been seeing a tougher crowd here lately," said Doris Fundenbacher, an employee at the Father Bill's Place in Quincy for over twenty years. "Every once in a while some group of up-and-coming homeless guys will team up and start making ludicrous demands. It seriously never ends. First it was the foaming hand soap demands, then they wanted the Viva paper towels, then there was the whole Z. Cavaricci fiasco, and now it's better ingredients for their bagel pizzas."

Bagel pizzas, as most people already know, have a long standing reputation as a favorite meal of the homeless. The meal is even widely credited with having been discovered by them in 1985 after a vagrant train-hopper named Lawrence Pewk III rummaged threw the garbage of the now defunct Wollaston Candy Factory for a meal. Having found what looked like the remnants of one worker’s lunch resting comfortably on the remains of another, presumably unrelated, coworker’s breakfast, Pewk knew that history, as well as his dinner, had been made. This story was not entirely lost on the residents of Father Bill’s, although many employment opportunities were. Taking into account the history of bagel pizzas amongst the homeless, some have stated that these recent demands are arguably understandable.

"There's nothing wrong with what these people are asking for," said John Schnatter, founder of Papa John's Pizza. "Better ingredients, better pizza. At least that's what I always say. I just wish they'd buy the pizza from me."

Paul McGranite, author of Homeless People Ruin Everything, had a different take on these demands. "I'm no doctor," he explained. "But these guys are certifiably fucked in the head. What kind of people demand better quality ingredients in their already free pizza? Not only are these people demanding better quality food, they're also adjusting for inflation when it comes to their begging tactics. Begging for spare change has become asking for a couple dollars, asking for a cigarette has turned into asking for an entire pack---what's next, are they gonna ask if they can throw your girlfriend on the ground and then have sex with her face?"

At this point, nobody knows if these demands will be answered with compliance, or whether they will just be tossed aside into the pile of unanswered ultimatums the homeless have made over the years. Until then, Father Bill's Place has promised to keep serving bagel pizzas, no matter what the ingredients.

Local police officer brought up on multiple charges after accidentally murdering over thirty surprise party attendees

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to remove a cat stuck in a tree on Hancock Street ended with three dead, will yet again face charges of extreme negligence and public endangerment. Charges of murder, however, were dropped before the case even began, making this case the first to comply with the mayor's controversial new "Cops Can Never Be Charged With Murder" policy.

It all started at approximately 6:00PM last night, when Officer Nico Haylen arrived at his home after a day of civil service. It was just after getting home when Haylen allegedly filled his living room with armor-piercing bullets, killing thirty-two of his friends and family members, all of which were gathered together for a surprise party celebrating his 30th birthday.

"This is nothing less than a witch hunt," claimed Sol Shrewdman, Haylen's on-call attorney. "These people are looking to crucify an innocent man. Where I come from, you don't just jump out of the shadows and yell 'surprise' to somebody who has a loaded gun in his hand. That's a recipe for disaster. My client had absolutely no intentions of harming anyone, he was merely trying to protect his friends and family. The fact that the victims ended up actually being his friends and family is the real tragedy here. The media, yet again, has spun its web, and this time they're looking to make my client appear like a man who has no business upholding the law. They'll tell you all about how three people ended up dead when he was attempting to save a cat. You know what I think of when I hear that story? I think about a man who went above and beyond to try to save a cat, out of the kindness of his heart, and his undying desire to keep Quincy safe. See what I'm saying? It's all in how you spin it. The media can make the best things sound so bad."

"I disagree," claimed Johnny Yahbro, a local youth known for loitering in 7-Eleven parking lots. "This guy is a mad man. This isn't the first time he's pulled something like this either. Isn't this the same guy who was firing rounds off on the beach earlier this week? Every single time I hear this dude's name, somebody takes one in the face."

In addition to the accidental slaying of three on Hancock Street and the allegations of firing his weapon on a public beach, Haylen is currently being sued by Comcast Cable Company for the wrongful deaths of five of their employees. Representatives of Comcast have alleged that Haylen would schedule an appointment to have their trademark On Demand service installed, but then forget about scheduling it, causing him to panic when the cable installer showed up, thinking it was an intruder. Using his standard issue Desert Eagle .50 caliber gun, Haylen would fire twenty-to-thirty “warning shots" aimed directly at his front door. "These would obviously annihilate the door and kill the cable guy every time," explained Craig Lupredo, a representative of the well known cable provider. "Apparently, this particular officer is still ignorant on the concept of warning shots being fired away from the target."

Nico Haylen, if convicted, will face a two-week, unpaid suspension.

Woodward School for Girls curriculum revealed to be nothing more than a bunch of tennis matches and lunch breaks

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a recent investigation set forth to finally figure out what exactly goes on inside the Woodward School for Girls, it was revealed that the day-to-day operations consist of nothing more than tennis matches and lunch breaks, aside from a brief period on Fridays when each of the girls are allowed to update their Facebook status and make phone calls to inquire about plans for the upcoming weekend.

"This is a disgrace to the entire school system," said Tom Turkolio, head of the Abington Ironworkers Union. "I always wondered what the hell was going on in that place, but this is just ridiculous. I bet they're not even that good at tennis either, not that I even consider tennis to be a real sport. I'd let my guys take those girls on any day of the week. Do you have any idea what it's like to work with huge pieces of iron all day long? It's insane. My guys would annihilate those chicks. Dead serious."

Those who are employed at the school seemed to have a different take on the situation. "Tennis is good for the heart," stated Sam Crunkshank, head tennis coach at the school. "Lunch is good for the heart, too. Are we not supposed to care about the hearts of our youth? What's the point of having a private school if you can't run things your own way? If these girls wanted to learn math and science, they'd be going to public school. I'll be the first to admit, we've never actually had a girl go to this school and then go on to do something important. It's just never happened. We have a great sports program though, and a haunted house during the Halloween season that would scare the black off of Keith David's face. Seriously though, this place is crazy fun. People are just jealous."

There is no word yet on if this recent investigation will spur a change in the school's curriculum, however, the girls' tennis team has publicly stated that they will accept Tom Turkolio's challenge, and anxiously await their chance to prove him wrong on the court. More information on the upcoming Abington Ironworkers Union vs. Woodward School for Girls tennis match will be provided when available.

Disgraced "Big Dig" contractors win valuable Quincy waterslide development, chance to redeem themselves

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The city of Quincy will save millions on the estimated cost of its most recent waterslide development (which will most likely balloon astronomically in the future) by using recycled faulty materials from the collapsed Ted Williams Tunnel.

"There will be absolutely no wrongful deaths for at least ten years," promised head "Big Dig" honcho, "Fat" Matt Amorello. "Look, we all know that skimping on the supply cost, skimming money off of the overhead, and hiring untrained and overpaid labor didn’t quite work out as we expected on the tunnel project, but there is no concrete---ha ha, pun intended---proof that it won’t work out wonderfully on the waterslide project. This shit's gonna go smooth as butter, trust me."

After being chastised by all those present at the press conference for his borderline offensive attempt at humor in the wake of a disaster that left one person dead, Amorello was applauded by city officials for jumping at the chance to work on the city's hottest new attraction.

Mayor Thomas Koch was one of the many who supported the decision. “To all the detractors out there who have called and written into my office," he explained. "Including the family of the deceased, I can assure you that this partnership is a match made in heaven---where we all hope the recent victim is, I might add. I can also assure those who believe that Mr. Amorello’s corporation will default on their promise to have the job done in time, that it will be completed as scheduled. I mean, who would work harder than a guy who needs to restore his grossly destroyed reputation after his shoddy workmanship actually killed someone?”

For More Information: The Quincy Waterslide Concourse

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mayor practices his best Brando pose, promises to make South Shore an offer it can't refuse

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just last night, Mayor Thomas Koch declared that he has almost perfected his Marlon Brando pose from the hilarious mob comedy, The Godfather. The press meeting, which took place in the four-lane bowling alley located in the basement level of City Hall, was being held to discuss an upcoming construction project in Quincy Point. The purpose for the meeting then took a surprise shift as the mayor began to explain his intentions to declare ownership of all bordering towns.

"Vito Corleone was a feared leader," the mayor explained. "He was revered by all who knew him, and respected by even his most spiteful enemies. The bordering towns of Weymouth, Braintree, and Milton have to know that they are dealing with a city that is superior to them in every way. That is why I am here tonight, to propose to you all that the South Shore not only recognizes me as the mayor of this beautiful city, but as the boss of all boss, or the 'capo di tutti capi,' as the Italians say."

The mayor's offer was greeted with a long, presumably respectful, silence, followed by a brief moment of confused clapping and mutterings of agreement. Many who were present for the meeting stated that they felt alienated and confused. Some even spoke out against the mayor and his seemingly off-the-wall offer. "This is a gimmick," said Jeff Archaic, a Wal-Mart lobbyist from North Quincy. "He's playing off the success of a classic feature film, and it's actually working for some people. Give it a few days and he'll probably be petting a cat and doing horrible voice impressions. This is ridiculous. I can't believe that people are falling for this shit."

Those who disagreed stated that the mayor is merely trying out new leadership tactics, and has promised to keep "switching it up," as long as it is deemed necessary. "The mayor is simply trying to do what's right for his city," claimed Trim Whitman, a City Hall filing clerk. "Research clearly shows that respect for authority is almost always based out of fear. It's nothing personal. It's just another one of the mayor's spicy moves, and that's exactly how it should be taken. After the 9/11 tragedy and this current recession, I think it's pretty safe to say we could all use a nice, hearty laugh. Everyone should just settle down."

Monday, May 11, 2009

Steroids approved for Quincy little leaguers by unanimous vote

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In anticipation of Major League Baseball eventually giving up and accepting steroids as part of the game, Quincy little league officials have decided to set the example and be the first in the nation to approve the use of performance enhancing drugs.

Last night's game was the first to feature the added health hazard in which Quincy lost 14-2 to Roxbury. Many Quincy children spent the night in the hospital after their bodies failed to adjust to the drastic training regimen set forth by former KGB bodybuilder and KILL$QUAD member, YoYo Stah, who apparently did not take into account the size difference between the young children and a full grown adult.

The part time white collar rapper and multiple convicted felon had no comment at the time of this article. Parents and teachers, however, remain optimistic that the children will survive and be healthy enough to play Hingham next week.

Unidentified sea creature spotted off coast of Wollaston Beach

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A strange, unidentified sea creature was spotted yesterday afternoon just off the coast of Wollaston Beach, by the area of the Squantum Yacht Club. The creature, which was estimated to be approximately seven-feet-tall, showed no signs of aggression, but did appear to take an immediate interest in a pile of colorful tampon applicators which had washed up on shore.

Most beachgoers remained at a safe distance from the oddity. With the exception of two groups of high school students yelling over to the sea creature to buy them alcohol, no human contact was established. Police were dispatched to the scene and arrived only minutes after it was first discovered.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I've been a cop for about three days now," he explained. "And I thought I had seen it all, but I've never seen anything like this. This is clearly a breed of sea creature that we are not familiar with yet."

“What was that thing?" gasped Brandi Orthanc, a 3-out-of-10 from South Quincy. “I come to this beach for the false sense of nature, and to get away from my abusive parole officer, not to get scared by sea creatures. If I wanted to see monsters, I’d hang out at the North Quincy McDonald's.”

Others on the beach were less shocked by the creature than others. "I've been walking this beach for many years," said Michael Crockhurst, a local liquor store clerk. "I'm pretty sure I've seen the thing a few other times, but it never seems to bother anyone. I think it's just curious. It was pretty much minding it's own business until that crazy cop showed up and started firing rounds at it."

Officer Haylen denies all claims of firing his weapon at the creature, but was unable to explain the lingering smell of gun powder, the empty bullet shells in the sand, or the multiple eyewitness accounts, all stating that at least twenty shots were fired.

As to where the mysterious sea creature comes from, scientists are still unsure. Some believe it is a creature long-since-thought to be extinct, although those who take local folklore more seriously claim it is, in fact, Danny McGrier, the Squantum youth who was banished to the sea in the summer of 1994, after publicly stating that the Clash was only his second favorite band. "Is it possible that a human could evolve into something like what we have seen here?" asked Dr. Raymond Rupolio. "Of course it is. It's not very likely, but it's possible. Science is an ever-changing mystery, and more often than not, we find some extremely fucked up shit. There's a lot of really fascinating things out there, just waiting to be discovered.."

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quincy legend gets mind-fuckingly stoned, grabs microphone at peaceful meat raffle

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A meat raffle was forced to come to an abrupt conclusion last night when Moranzo Llamas, 26, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy, forcefully took over the microphone during, what was otherwise, an enjoyable night for everyone.

"I had no idea what he was doing," claimed Radek Foozbowski, who has managed the weekly event for the past three years. "He was so fucking stoned. You could see it in his eyes. I've never seen anybody that stoned before. If he ran right up to me and started eating my face, I wouldn't have been surprised. He was that fucking stoned. It was kind of a lizard move, but whatever."

Others who were present were just as shocked and appalled. "The kid was out of his mind," stated Richard Bockingclam, treasurer of the Knights of Columbus in North Quincy. "He just grabbed the microphone and started screaming. 'I have seen the mythical East Quincy,' he said. 'I have chosen the path of righteousness, and I have stared into the eye of the forest.' It was insane. Then he's like, 'Peace out, shitheads, I'm outta here.' and leaves. We tried to go on with the meat raffle, you know, because the shit will go bad if it's not raffled out, but we could all hear him out in the parking lot screaming. He kept on yelling, 'Whatever it takes! Whatever it takes!' and we just finally packed it up and went home. Everybody got a piece of meat that night. Some more than others, I guess, but we tried to be fair about it."

"This isn't regular Quincy Center T-Station shit," explained Officer John Steele, a rigid-jawed rookie with a trigger finger as itchy as hives. "This is the good weed. This is that shit that'll blow your mind apart, right to little, teeny pieces until you have no idea who the fuck you are and why you're at a meat raffle. First kid I see under the effects of this shit is getting four in the chest, you can count on that much."

It is unknown at this time why Moranzo Llamas was in attendance last night, but some have theorized that it was his love of meat, combined with the fact that he was so extremely stoned. Others claim that he mistook the weekly meat raffle for a "metal raffle", which, if that were a real thing, would probably involve raffling off heavy metal albums, concert tickets, and really depressing poetry, written by girls that most likely cut themselves.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Controversy brews over another possible election miscount due to dimpled fucking chads

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Another voting fiasco is in the midst as a Quincy elementary school prepares for what may be a long night of recounting votes for its latest election. The most recent elections, which were held yesterday morning, would decide next year's class president, and have been plagued with controversy since the very beginning.

"It's because of these stupid dimpled chad things," claimed Scotty Funkman, 9, of Adams Shore. "Nobody can tell who voted for who, it's not fair." Scotty Funkman, who spent the entire year basing his campaign on the completely unfulfilled promise of "no homework forever," was thought by many to win by a landslide victory. After three counts, however, it appears that the dimpled chad voting system may not be without flaws. "There's no way Billy Phillipson could ever beat me," he added. "Nobody even likes that kid. That kid is such a giant stupid face."

This is just another strike against the dimpled chad voting system, which is remembered mostly for it's involvement in the controversial 2000 U.S. Presidential election. Although the two elementary students did not seem to recall the prior faults of the chads, they did express sympathy with former Vice President Al Gore regarding his hard-fought campaign ending in disappointment.

“My mom stayed up all night baking cookies so I could get some votes,” declared Billy Phillipson, 9, of Germantown. “I didn’t even get to bed until almost midnight, mostly because I was stuck on the last level of Halo, but also because I was really excited to become ruler. I thought I’d wake up and this crap would be over with. This country is a joke.” The opposition agreed, with a visibly upset Funkman stating he would “sue the living shit out of whatever company makes those chad things.”

The elementary school election, a yearly tradition in both Quincy and normal cities, is facing it's toughest year in recent memory. As a high unemployment rate and rising taxes become a shocking reality for most, parents who would normally remain uninterested in their children’s activities are starting to take a more active involvement.

Joel Funkman, 31, of Adams Shore, vented his frustrations regarding his son's campaign to the Scallion. “This is utter bullshit. I mean, I thought I was pissed about the 2000 election when these stupid things didn’t work, but now this? This hits way too close to home for me. Normally, I wouldn’t give two shits about what Scotty was up to, but ever since I was layed off from Home Depot, I’ve just been milling around the house. So when he came home and told me that he might not be class president next year because of these chads, I hit the roof. There's no way in hell my son is gonna lose to Mike Phillipson's kid. No way, not that piece of Germantown trash.”

Though both sides of this argument have not yet reached an agreement, the school, which asked to remain anonymous throughout this article, has asked that a peaceful sit-down discussion take place later on this afternoon, with the ideal outcome being both sides agreeing to a "do over".

Thursday, May 7, 2009

City proposes bill to knock down over a hundred homes in Quincy Point to make way for world's biggest waterslide

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

City officials proposed a bill just moments ago that would allow them to knock down over a hundred homes in the Quincy Point section of the city in order to make space for the biggest waterslide ever built.

The proposed project, coined The Quincy Waterslide Concourse, if passed, is expected to reach completion by the summer of 2011. Former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp, was appointed to head the project in the event that the bill is passed. "We expect that the bill will pass with flying colors," he remarked. "People love waterslides, and recent research has shown that they hate driving all the way to New Hampshire to use them."

But those who live in Quincy Point feel differently. "I don't think it's right," commented Timothy Morton, a life-long resident of the area. "They're talking about knocking down over a hundred homes, possibly even my own. It just doesn't make sense to me. This is Quincy, we only get about two really nice months a year. I don't really think we need a waterslide. Shouldn't we be more concerned with the growing economy crisis? Is this really what we need to be working on right now?"

"We're taking every step possible to ensure that these people are treated fairly," added Joe Schlopp. "Even the residents on Grafton Street will be treated with kindness and respect. We're offering nearly sixty-five percent of the current market value of each home we demolish, which isn't really as bad as it sounds. This is a recession we're in, and attempting to sell homes on your own can be harder than one might think. It's a firm offer, I'll admit that much, but it's also quite fair. Plus, we're offering lifetime all-you-can-slide passes to every individual currently listed on mortgages and leases, which will be valid through March of 2010. That alone holds a value far larger than you would think."

While some residents appeared to be somewhat swayed by these "all-you-can-slide" passes, those with lower IQs seemed to panic a bit, as they felt the lifetime passes somehow predicted their deaths to take place in March of 2010.

The city has admitted that a waterslide of this scale would surely involve many stories to climb in order to get to the top, and have stated that they are currently working on a way to make this work. "We have some of the best and brightest minds in the city working on this right now," Schlopp further explained. "We have a lot of great ideas on how to make getting to the top fun. At first we were thinking about a way for people to actually slide to the top, but, after further research, that's not looking like the direction we're gonna be going with this. We've contemplated many ideas though, and each of them is better than the last. The idea itself kinda has the contractors stumped at the moment, but we were thinking about possibly having a citywide engineering mail-in contest. Either way, I'm sure we'll figure it out."

As for the fate of Quincy Point and it's residents, only a bundle of inevitable red tape and protests can know. Until then, the city has made it known that they are looking for any suggestions on how to make this work.

Quincy boroughs clash over right to claim city's most common resource

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Fifteen more people have been injured in the most recent violence between the Wollaston and Montclair sections of Quincy over the right to call the city’s newest Dunkin’ Donuts their own. A car bomb was detonated in a nearby Stop & Shop parking lot yesterday afternoon, causing multiple injuries and tens of dollars worth of damage to grocery carts. The unidentified car was rumored to be a black 1995 Crown Victoria with a Tree bumper sticker, making it impossible to judge which neighborhood it originated from.

This is just the latest in a series of tit-for-tat attacks that began after the announcement of a brand new Dunkin’ Donuts, the city's 19th to date. Following Mayor Thomas Koch’s groundbreaking ceremony earlier this year, the construction site, which is located on what many believe to be the dividing line between the two rivals, has been plagued with spouts of intense dispute and childish name calling.

Kenneth “Carmo” Carmillen, 23, of Wollaston, claims that the residents of Montclair initiated the hostility. “They are flat out wrong," he said. "And they always were, dude. Those fucks have been sayin’ the new Dunkies is theirs. You serious? It’s not even in Montclair.” Mr. Carmillen went on to cite several zoning laws that were drawn up by him and his friends in the 4th grade, by which the "friggin' telephone pole on the corner of Newport Ave. and Hobart Street" is the spot where Wollaston ends and Montclair begins

The Dunkin' Donuts in question is located in the Newport Center mini-mall on Newport Ave., and opened for business last week, replacing the since defunct LG Liquor Store. Almost immediately after opening, an altercation between the two sections broke out in broad daylight, causing police to be called to the scene, resulting in three arrests. Joe "Chupa" Chupowski, 24, of Montclair, was arrested for assault with a "large regular" and indecent exposure. "Everybody knows that anything north of the Wendy's is considered Montclair," he said. "These Wolly boys are trying to claim a Dunkies that's not theirs."

The war between Montclair and Wollaston only got worse from there, when an unidentified male threw a Molotov cocktail into the living room of a socially prominent Wollaston kid's home. "I know it was a Montclair kid who did this," stated Kevin McNaughton, 21, of Wollaston. "That thing was made out of a very specific emptied out forty-ounce, which, as far as I know, can only be purchased at Mullaney's Variety in Montclair. Nobody except Montclair kids ever shop at Mullaney's. That place sucks. I didn't ask for this. I was just sitting in my room, making a Dropkicks mix for my friend, Fitzy, and all of the sudden, my living room curtains are on fire. Those kids are idiots. Montclair starts on the street where Marshalls and Ocean State Job Lot are. Always has, always will."

Another incident thought to be linked to the Montclair-Wollaston turf war happened this weekend, when two Montclair kids were found duct taped to the counter of the Dunkin' Donuts inside the Stop & Shop on Newport Avenue. "We responded to what we thought was a robbery call," explained Officer Ken McLeary. "We found the front door of the Stop & Shop smashed open from the outside, but it didn't appear that anything was stolen. We thought somebody might have smashed the window and then gotten scared off somehow, but then we heard the screaming. We found two young men taped up to the counter, with a hand-written sign above them saying, 'STAY AT YOUR OWN DUNKIES,' written in what appeared to be jelly doughnut filling. I'll never forget those screams, those blood-curdling screams. Not for as long as I live. Some things on this job just stick with you."

Authorities, working in conjunction with Dunkin' Donuts, have asked all Quincy residents to stop the bloodshed now, before it gets any worse. "This Dunkin' Donuts is for anybody nearby who wishes to use it," stated Mayor Thomas Koch. "There is absolutely no need to continue on the path that this has been heading. This city has nineteen Dunkin' Donuts locations, all of which are happy to serve all of Quincy, no matter what neighborhood, ward, or subsection you may reside in."

The mayor declined to comment any further on the situation, and has been advised by some of the city's top officials to remain silent on whether he thinks the new Dunkin' Donuts lies in Wollaston or Montclair.

UPDATE 05/11/2009:
It's fucking Wollaston!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

DYS's signature tune "Wolf Pack" revealed to be about an actual pack of wolves

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a recent interview with seminal Boston hardcore band, DYS, the band’s signature song “Wolf Pack” was revealed to be about an actual pack of wolves, and not about sticking together with friends, as so many had long thought. Dave Smalley, who handled vocal and lyrical duties in the band, was questioned by journalists at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Wollaston regarding the song, and to shed new light on the subject.

“I don’t know if you guys remember the summer of 1981, but there was a massive amount of wild dogs and wolves running around in the streets of Boston," stated a visibly shaken and caffeinated Smalley. “I think a cargo ship from Canada crashed off the coast of Castle Island, or something, but anyways, there were all these wolves, y’know? So one night, me and my friend, Gulpher, were throwing trash out the window of my apartment on Comm. Ave., as was the custom at the time, and we see all these wolves just tearin’ ass down the street. At first we just stood in awe at the marvelous sight, but the pounding of their paws on the pavement just started to sound like the sickest hardcore riff, so I grabbed my bass and started to climb out the window, but Gulpher warned me about getting too close to the wild beasts. ‘Don’t give them any shit,’ he used to say. I wrote the song the very next morning.”

Continuing to sip wistfully on a cup of sub-par coffee, the singer continued further. "Kids used to come up to me all the time and tell me that the song really helped them and their friends get through hard times, y’know? I just didn’t have the heart to tell them it was just about a bunch of rabid wolves attacking and devouring the homeless in Kenmore Square. I mean, seriously, ‘mini-army of angry youth?’ Shoot, man, I didn’t even have any other friends back then. And after Gulpher was eaten in an ATM booth, I had no one at all.”

No word yet on if this interview will spur other leaders of the Boston hardcore community to come forward and reveal the true meanings behind their songs. Is “Glue” just about some ordinary adhesive glue? Is “Chunks” literally just about some chunks? Could "I Hate Tourists" really be about hating tourists? And did Choke & Co. really have a good time in Kenmore Square that fateful night?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

City workers yet again take paid day off to celebrate bullshit holiday

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy city employees have yet again been given a paid day off to celebrate a bullshit holiday, this time being Cinco de Mayo, a holiday observing the Mexicans' defeat of French forces during the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862.

Quincy began observing the Cinco de Mayo holiday to its fullest capacity three years ago, when it's officials decided to shut down all departments, regardless of their importance to the community. Departments such as City Hall, Norfolk County Trial Court, Public Works, Conservation and Recreation, Cemetery Department, Quincy Elder Services, Quincy Housing Authority, as well as all branches of fire safety and law enforcement, all began closing down for a 24-hour period to join in on the private festivities, which are not open to the general public.

Mayor Thomas Koch claims that the city has taken all necessary precautions to keep citizens safe during this day of celebration. A sign on the front of the Quincy Police Department can be seen stating, "PLEASE INFORM US OF ANY CRIMES YOU MAY HAVE COMMITTED DURING OUR PAID HOLIDAY SO THAT JUSTICE MAY LATER BE SERVED," and pamphlets promoting fire safety are made available outside most fire stations. Further precautions include a fancy, flash-based website designed to distract people and keep them inside, as well as a mechanically engineered robot, which will patrol known trouble areas, such as Grafton Street and Brewers Corner. Some Quincy residents, however, believe that this is not enough.

"It's ridiculous," claimed Moranzo Llamas, a mustache historian from Quincy Point. "I went to City Hall on Cinco de Mayo last year and the place was closed. I took a look inside and everybody was photocopying their asses and doing body shots off each other. I had to come back and get a copy of my birth certificate the next day, but I really could have used it on the 5th. It was a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, but what the hell could I do about it? I guess it's good to know where my taxes go, at least."

"I think some citizens overreact to these things," claimed one city employee. "It's not like we're doing this 365 days a year. This is a day of celebration, and what we're doing is merely observing the day the way it was supposed to observed. It's good to get a break once in a while, and there's really nothing like drinking an ice cold Corona with lime. I love Mexican shit. Everybody acts like all Mexicans are lazy and just sit around drinking tequila all day. Go ahead and try to steal four hubcaps off a car without anybody noticing while you're under the effects of tequila shots. It just can't be done. They're smart people, very crafty. When those little guys put their mind to something, they can do almost anything. Hell, they defeated the French, who had more soldiers than they did, and who were far better equipped than them. And that's what today's about. It's about having a good time with your friends."

Most Quincy residents did not see eye-to-eye with the city's approach to the holiday. "I disagree with it," said Neal Diamondz, a rising rap star from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy. "If I had a paid day off for every time I defeated the French at something, I'd never have to work. This is just another one of those hack holidays."

Monday, May 4, 2009

First recorded use of the phrase "I'll blast ya" found in basement of G-Town housing complex

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Archaeologists and linguistic experts from the Norfolk County area made a startling discovery yesterday in the Germantown section of Quincy, Mass. After four years of research, which was funded by the city’s controversial Parks, Recreation, and Treasure Hunting Department, a team of twenty-two experts have inadvertently uncovered what they believe to be the first documented use of the popular phrase, “I’ll blast ya", in the basement of a Section 8 housing complex.

“It was actually very much by accident that we made this stunning discovery,” stated famed language enthusiast, Dr. Mervin Hooper. “The mayor’s office had us tracking down documents in the area that might be related to an anonymous call regarding the Holy Grail. The call was placed early last Saturday morning by someone with a vague Scottish accent, and the number was traced to somewhere in Venice, Italy, or possibly even the Wollaston train station, which, for some reason, apparently have very similar phone codes.”

The phrase was found scrawled on a town hall letter from 1891 regarding the growing number of unruly citizens, all complaining about the bordering town of Milton. The phrase is most commonly used today as a drunken threat towards both friend and foe, often with the subject of said threat being referred to as “kid”.

Although there have been reports of recent prank phone calls to the mayor’s office regarding similar subjects, authorities are taking every tip in this matter quite seriously. Officer Sean O’Brando remains optimistic. “We’re doing all we can,” he stated. “I know that the recent re-release of Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade on Blu-Ray DVD has many people in this great city excited, myself included. It has always been considered a classic around here, but that doesn’t mean people should call into the police station, or Mayor Koch’s office, with fake tips on the whereabouts of the Holy Grail. Let’s keep our heads on our shoulders and, with all of us working together, we can find this damned thing once and for all.” The grizzled ten-year veteran, permanently on “rookie status” after various life threatening mistakes on his part, also added that he was thrilled about this recent discovery. “While it may not be as exciting as the Holy Grail to some people, it does finally put to rest the debate of where this phrase originally came from.”

Scholars, who have long argued on the origins of the phrase, were more skeptical than others. Most agreed that Quincy residents were scummy enough to coin the threat, but others pointed to its use in low-brow sections of Greater Boston, like Dorchester and Southie. Neighborhoods as far reaching as Hyde Park and Charlestown were once in consideration, as well, but more modern advances in sociology have since disproved these theories.

Celebratory plans by the city will possibly include a promotional tie-in with homegrown mega-corporation, Dunkin’ Donuts, where upon showing a valid form of identification, proving that you currently reside in Quincy, followed by uttering the famous phrase out loud, customers will get a free “blast” of whipped cream on their iced coffee. It has also been recommended that an annual memorial day be officially enacted whereupon residents of Quincy will be allowed one day in which “blasting” another person in the face will have absolutely no legal ramifications.

Jeff Brophy was unavailable for comment on this matter.

Quincy's mayor demands to know why everyone was so wasted Saturday night

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities have reported multiple disturbance calls made over the weekend, all taking place on Saturday in the Quincy Center area, between the hours of 5:00PM and 1:00AM. After further investigation, the Quincy Police Department has linked all of these disturbances to a pub crawl, which was being held in celebration for the 30th birthday of a girl known only as Julie Unruly.

"It was insane," commented one Quincy resident. "I've seen some ugly looking people in my time, but this was truly the bottom-of-the-barrel. They were running through the streets, basically just acting like idiots. They were all wearing these baby blue shirts that had a picture of some girl slugging a 40-ounce Private Stock on the front. Clearly, these people were known alcohol abusers."

The pub crawl allegedly started at the bar formerly known as Darby's Pub, and was followed by a slew of other bars in the Quincy Center area, finally ending at the date rape capital of the world, Club 58. But by the time the group reached Tully's, people were already showing intense signs of intoxication. "I had just finished dinner at the Four's," commented Patrick Crenshaw, a session musician from North Quincy. "I looked across the street and this girl just collapsed and started convulsing like crazy. I ran over to see if she needed help, but everybody kept telling me to leave her alone, and that she was just trying to have a good time. It didn't look that way to me, but I figured they knew her better than I did. How was I supposed to know she had just had thirteen White Russians and an entire case of Bud Light? I'm no doctor. I'm just a humble session musician from North Quincy."

The Quincy Police Department, as well as the mayor's office, are offering a blank "I Owe You" for anyone with information leading to the whereabouts of Julie Unruly, or any others that may have been involved. "It's people like this that make the residents of Quincy feel unsafe at night," said Mayor Koch. "And the fact that no one from our office was invited not only hurts, but makes us socially obligated to have a pub crawl of our own. And it's gonna be a big one, I promise."

"They're gonna need to offer more than that," commented Nico Haylen, a local diabetic. "I know the exact crew of kids they're talking about, and they're absolute maggots. I wouldn't rat them out for all the 'I Owe Yous' in the world."

The mayor has not yet announced the date of the city workers' pub crawl, however, did mention that each city employee will be issued a credit card which will immediately deduct the cost of each beer purchase from the upcoming paycheck of the Quincy resident of their choosing.

Central Middle School time capsule from 2003 prematurely dug up, "not much has changed," witnesses claim

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Central Middle School time capsule from 2003 was prematurely dug up this Saturday, causing major confusion among spectators and those who organize the annual event. "This isn't the first time something like this has happened," stated Geoff LeFleur, Chairman of the Quincy Time Capsule Council. "Every few years we end up digging in the wrong spot, and I guess this is just one of those years. Everybody kept complaining about how lackluster the contents of the capsule were. It was as if they had no clue what had happened."

Items that were found in the time capsule included a Sopranos Season Three DVD, a Fubu sweatshirt, a D12 album, a Motorola i580 model cell phone, and an offensively ugly Burberry hat. "It wasn't until I saw the Burberry hat that I realized something had gone horribly wrong," commented Edward Mack, a Dorchester resident who has taken part in the event for the past sixteen years. "It was so ugly, and everybody just kept pointing at it and gagging. I literally swallowed my own puke for a second, and I didn't even have any gum on me. It was disgusting. I hate plaid."

The time capsule intended to be dug up was from 1969, and was thought to have included valuable records and hand-made hemp necklaces, as well as flyers protesting the Vietnam War. "My mother went to this school back then," said Jim McGruff, an unemployed resident from Grafton Street. "I was hoping she left behind a few hits of acid, or something like that. Now I'm gonna have to start digging on my own once the sun goes down. I could be here all night."

Some residents of the area, however, were not as upset about the mistake as others. "Wow," exclaimed a shocked Ken Curillo of Merrymount. "Look at that, they didn't even have iPhones back then. How did they even watch movies?"

Friday, May 1, 2009

Slapshot frontman admits to running out of things to get mad about, entire world on edge of seats

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the Worldwide Web

Slapshot frontman, Jack "Choke" Kelly, has reported recently that he is finally running out of things to get mad at, causing a sense of minor nervousness to flow through the Boston hardcore scene. "I just hope their new album's good," stated one fan. "I keep hearing conflicting stories about it, and I just hope it comes out okay."

Slapshot formed in 1985, out of the ashes of early Boston hardcore acts, Negative FX, Last Rights, and DYS. From the very beginning, they were known for speaking out against the people and lifestyles they were against, which, after a certain point, seemed to be just about anything. Early Slapshot classics include "Hang Up Your Boots", "Firewalker", and "Punk's Dead, You're Next", all released on the then-local Taang! Records. Fast forward to 1995, after a couple of failed releases on the We Bite label, Slapshot returned to the music scene with two more editions to the Taang! catalogue, featuring songs more reminiscent of their spiteful past, such as "Lip Service", "L.O.S.E.R.", and "I Want You Dead". It seemed there was no cure for Choke's rage, and that none were exempt from its destructive power.

Since then, Slapshot has continuously released more and more of these songs, each of them more hateful and offensive than the last. And sometimes far more specific in their direction. Songs like "Fuck New York", "Rap Sucks", "Shoot Charlton Helston", "Stupid Fucking Kids", and "Crossover Sucks" showed fans that Choke was definitely making an effort to pinpoint the cause of his anger. But rumors of albums that never made it to light, as well as a public expression of running out of ideas, has dredged up worry in the minds of local hardcore fans.

"Yeah, we've actually scrapped two whole LPs in the last year that didn't quite measure up to Slapshot’s aggressive legacy," remarked former (and current) band member Mark McKay. "There was an ill-advised concept album about this time that Choke found a piece of plastic in his burger at the 99 in Quincy, and a whole slew of songs ranting about some guy in a Toyota Camry with New York plates that cut him off on 93 South. I mean, the music was pretty hard, but how many songs can you have about some dude on the highway? Well, we had nine songs about it, actually. Truth be told, it was just getting repetitive. Choke was coming to practice with a notebook filled with song titles like “Step On It 2” and “Yet Another Mistake".

With a new Slapshot album reportedly in the works, many fans are wondering what the outcome will be. Rumored song titles, such as "The Food Network Sucks", "Get Off the Air (Infomercials Ruin TV)", "Clean Up After Your Dog", "Jurassic Park's Special FX Don't Hold Up", and "I Have Mixed Feelings About M*A*S*H" have many people worried that Choke may have finally, once and for all, lost his mind completely.

"I've had enough of Quincy blogs that rip off the Onion," said Choke, who declined to comment any further on the grounds of hating every question that followed.

As to the state of Choke's mind, or whether the new Slapshot album will conjure up memories from the days of old, mysteries are just another part of life. We can only sit back and hope for the best. Until then, Slapshot offers an extensive catalogue, which can, for the most part, be purchased at fairly reasonable prices at almost any record store that caters to creepy little hardcore kids.