Friday, May 15, 2009

Woodward School for Girls curriculum revealed to be nothing more than a bunch of tennis matches and lunch breaks

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a recent investigation set forth to finally figure out what exactly goes on inside the Woodward School for Girls, it was revealed that the day-to-day operations consist of nothing more than tennis matches and lunch breaks, aside from a brief period on Fridays when each of the girls are allowed to update their Facebook status and make phone calls to inquire about plans for the upcoming weekend.

"This is a disgrace to the entire school system," said Tom Turkolio, head of the Abington Ironworkers Union. "I always wondered what the hell was going on in that place, but this is just ridiculous. I bet they're not even that good at tennis either, not that I even consider tennis to be a real sport. I'd let my guys take those girls on any day of the week. Do you have any idea what it's like to work with huge pieces of iron all day long? It's insane. My guys would annihilate those chicks. Dead serious."

Those who are employed at the school seemed to have a different take on the situation. "Tennis is good for the heart," stated Sam Crunkshank, head tennis coach at the school. "Lunch is good for the heart, too. Are we not supposed to care about the hearts of our youth? What's the point of having a private school if you can't run things your own way? If these girls wanted to learn math and science, they'd be going to public school. I'll be the first to admit, we've never actually had a girl go to this school and then go on to do something important. It's just never happened. We have a great sports program though, and a haunted house during the Halloween season that would scare the black off of Keith David's face. Seriously though, this place is crazy fun. People are just jealous."

There is no word yet on if this recent investigation will spur a change in the school's curriculum, however, the girls' tennis team has publicly stated that they will accept Tom Turkolio's challenge, and anxiously await their chance to prove him wrong on the court. More information on the upcoming Abington Ironworkers Union vs. Woodward School for Girls tennis match will be provided when available.

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