Thursday, May 7, 2009

City proposes bill to knock down over a hundred homes in Quincy Point to make way for world's biggest waterslide

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

City officials proposed a bill just moments ago that would allow them to knock down over a hundred homes in the Quincy Point section of the city in order to make space for the biggest waterslide ever built.

The proposed project, coined The Quincy Waterslide Concourse, if passed, is expected to reach completion by the summer of 2011. Former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp, was appointed to head the project in the event that the bill is passed. "We expect that the bill will pass with flying colors," he remarked. "People love waterslides, and recent research has shown that they hate driving all the way to New Hampshire to use them."

But those who live in Quincy Point feel differently. "I don't think it's right," commented Timothy Morton, a life-long resident of the area. "They're talking about knocking down over a hundred homes, possibly even my own. It just doesn't make sense to me. This is Quincy, we only get about two really nice months a year. I don't really think we need a waterslide. Shouldn't we be more concerned with the growing economy crisis? Is this really what we need to be working on right now?"

"We're taking every step possible to ensure that these people are treated fairly," added Joe Schlopp. "Even the residents on Grafton Street will be treated with kindness and respect. We're offering nearly sixty-five percent of the current market value of each home we demolish, which isn't really as bad as it sounds. This is a recession we're in, and attempting to sell homes on your own can be harder than one might think. It's a firm offer, I'll admit that much, but it's also quite fair. Plus, we're offering lifetime all-you-can-slide passes to every individual currently listed on mortgages and leases, which will be valid through March of 2010. That alone holds a value far larger than you would think."

While some residents appeared to be somewhat swayed by these "all-you-can-slide" passes, those with lower IQs seemed to panic a bit, as they felt the lifetime passes somehow predicted their deaths to take place in March of 2010.

The city has admitted that a waterslide of this scale would surely involve many stories to climb in order to get to the top, and have stated that they are currently working on a way to make this work. "We have some of the best and brightest minds in the city working on this right now," Schlopp further explained. "We have a lot of great ideas on how to make getting to the top fun. At first we were thinking about a way for people to actually slide to the top, but, after further research, that's not looking like the direction we're gonna be going with this. We've contemplated many ideas though, and each of them is better than the last. The idea itself kinda has the contractors stumped at the moment, but we were thinking about possibly having a citywide engineering mail-in contest. Either way, I'm sure we'll figure it out."

As for the fate of Quincy Point and it's residents, only a bundle of inevitable red tape and protests can know. Until then, the city has made it known that they are looking for any suggestions on how to make this work.

No comments: