Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cops called record nine hundred times in one night due to insane party

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities responded to an overwhelming nine hundred disturbance calls last night when a party in West Quincy took a turn for the worse. The party, which was reportedly still going on since Cinco de Mayo, was raided by a team of seven cops and a handful of recently sleep-deprived neighbors, although backup officers were called to the scene almost immediately after, as it became increasingly clear that they were no match for the horrors found inside.

"We received more calls about this party than the we did the time some disgruntled Zoots employee started launching his own feces at people with a makeshift catapult," said Officer John Steele. "Apparently, the party has been going steady since Cinco de Mayo, which, according to freetranslation.com, was almost two weeks ago to the day. We arrived on the scene at approximately 8:30PM and found what appeared to be two elderly ladies, one of which was violently puking, along with one of the sketchiest dudes I had ever seen in my entire fucking life."

Disturbance calls were still coming into the Quincy Police switchboard at the time of this story. While officers on the scene declined to comment on the nature of the alleged charges being brought against the partygoers, they did inform the Scallion that all retired Quincy Police officers were being asked to come to the location as additional help is sorely needed.

Vice Detective Bill Schwoops, a twenty-year veteran of the force, announced loudly his shock at the event. “This shit is ridiculous! Look at that guy in there!” The unidentified male, who, according to local legend, is rumored to be 180 years old, was repeatedly seen by onlookers doing his signature pose of staring creepily out the main front window. “I swear, I’m quitting this gig tomorrow,” declared Schwoops. “I do not get paid enough to put up with this insanity.”

The three-person party, raging strong after a fortnight, had not only received complaints from neighbors, but from local businesses, as well. Many store owners simply closed down their shops as customers stayed home to avoid any possible contact with the area. Tipsy Bilboburowski, owner of an industrial waste plant two streets over, was overheard to mention that he would shut down his plant for good as it is not clear when, if ever, this outrageous shindig would end.

"This area just isn't what it used to be," remarked Glenn Glynn, an exotic masseuse who has worked at the Finland Steam Baths for the past seven years. "I don't mind watching kids eating acid and smashing OxyContins on the street corner---never have, never will. That just comes with having a business in West Quincy. But when I can't even walk down the street without getting stared down by some absolute creep in a 1970's silk shirt and a can of beer so cheap they don't even sell it at the Brewer's Corner packy, that's when I call it quits. Those cops aren't gonna be able to do shit about that party---it's just been going on too long---it's become too strong. I've seen at least twenty cops go into that place and not a single one of them have come out. The only thing that happens is the party just keeps getting louder. It's like those three are just absorbing the power of anyone who enters."

More on this breaking story as it unfolds. Until then, the Scallion recommends that all passersby avoid going anywhere near West Quincy, and, at the very least, stay the fuck out of that godforsaken house.

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