Friday, May 29, 2009

"Free Breakfast" sign outside Presidents' City Inn proves to stir up stiff competition for restaurants

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Restaurants and breakfast establishments throughout the city are calling for an all-out ban on the Presidents' City Inn's complimentary breakfast plan, claiming it has been hampering their businesses in a time when they need customers the most.

"You can't compete with free," remarked Dino Bland, an amateur venture capitalist known for investing ludicrous amounts of money into forgettable businesses, such as Tony's Pizza in Wollaston and Louis' Crossing in Hough's Neck. "This is a vicious attack on the local food industry, and it's hurting businesses everywhere. For the same price it would cost you to take a nice, respectable girl out to the Fat Cat for dinner and few drinks, you can get a room, a cheap bottle of booze, and do a bunch of weird shit to a hooker all night long. And then you get to wake up to a hot breakfast. They're monopolizing the entire customer base of Quincy."

But not all residents agree with Quincy's collective decision to set forth the free breakfast ban. "I've been coming to this place for years," said Shawnie Brando, a longtime patron of the motel, who along with his girlfriend, Elizabeth Longfur, have spent over a hundred nights in the Presidents' City Inn's undebatably questionable sleeping arrangements. "Some of the people who stay here stay up all night long, smashing bags of coke up their nose and slapping around call girls. Honestly, that stale piece of toast they get in the morning is probably the only thing keeping them alive. I think it's a very nice gesture, and it's part of the reason I stay here."

"I like to stay there once in a bit and give a lady of leisure a jolly rogering in the arse," said Michael A. Hearst, a Quincy local known for his recent annoying fascination with the British vernacular. "Who wants to buy a slovenly trollop some bangers and mash when there's free toast to be had?"

1 comment:

Neal said...

I hate when I wake up at that place.