Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quincy legend gets mind-fuckingly stoned, grabs microphone at peaceful meat raffle

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A meat raffle was forced to come to an abrupt conclusion last night when Moranzo Llamas, 26, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy, forcefully took over the microphone during, what was otherwise, an enjoyable night for everyone.

"I had no idea what he was doing," claimed Radek Foozbowski, who has managed the weekly event for the past three years. "He was so fucking stoned. You could see it in his eyes. I've never seen anybody that stoned before. If he ran right up to me and started eating my face, I wouldn't have been surprised. He was that fucking stoned. It was kind of a lizard move, but whatever."

Others who were present were just as shocked and appalled. "The kid was out of his mind," stated Richard Bockingclam, treasurer of the Knights of Columbus in North Quincy. "He just grabbed the microphone and started screaming. 'I have seen the mythical East Quincy,' he said. 'I have chosen the path of righteousness, and I have stared into the eye of the forest.' It was insane. Then he's like, 'Peace out, shitheads, I'm outta here.' and leaves. We tried to go on with the meat raffle, you know, because the shit will go bad if it's not raffled out, but we could all hear him out in the parking lot screaming. He kept on yelling, 'Whatever it takes! Whatever it takes!' and we just finally packed it up and went home. Everybody got a piece of meat that night. Some more than others, I guess, but we tried to be fair about it."

"This isn't regular Quincy Center T-Station shit," explained Officer John Steele, a rigid-jawed rookie with a trigger finger as itchy as hives. "This is the good weed. This is that shit that'll blow your mind apart, right to little, teeny pieces until you have no idea who the fuck you are and why you're at a meat raffle. First kid I see under the effects of this shit is getting four in the chest, you can count on that much."

It is unknown at this time why Moranzo Llamas was in attendance last night, but some have theorized that it was his love of meat, combined with the fact that he was so extremely stoned. Others claim that he mistook the weekly meat raffle for a "metal raffle", which, if that were a real thing, would probably involve raffling off heavy metal albums, concert tickets, and really depressing poetry, written by girls that most likely cut themselves.

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