Sunday, May 24, 2009

Well known South Shore kids make presence known in not-so-well-known Quincy bar

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy's Blue 22 Bar & Grille made an official statement this morning that they will no longer be serving, or catering to the needs of, maggots, assholes, dickweeds, or ridiculously shitty dancers. This event, which has already spawned further bars to enact the new rule, was aired on cable access television at approximately 8:00AM, making it so absolutely no maggot, asshole, dickweed, or ridiculously shitty dancer was awake to see it.

"Those kids are all maggots and dickweeds," said Tom Turkolio, an ironworker from Abington who is constantly getting all up in Quincy's business. "They were ridiculously shitty dancers, too. I haven't seen anybody flail their arms like that since my boy, Dean Kablenko, told his girlfriend he had gonorrhea for an April Fool's joke. That chick totally believed him, too. It was the funniest fucking shit I've ever seen in my entire life. I totally forgot about that shit until just now."

"It was just getting a bit crazy in here," commented Jacquelin McCrockforth, an everyday patron of the bar. "Those kids were the most South Shore. Some were from Abington, some from Weymouth---even Whitman---and they were all wicked crazy. At the end of the night, they wouldn't leave. They just kept partying. I had to chase them all out with a Bic lighter and a can of Aqua Net. I thought I was gonna have to take down a few motherfuckers."

In a possibly related event, a South Shore man was arrested yesterday in Boston after going onto a rooftop and declaring war against the entire world, followed by strategically taking out any police officer that went near him. "The mind of a South Shore kid is an amazing thing," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "At a certain point, all South Shore people crack, and they immediately flee to the rooftops to pursue a life of all-encompassing ridiculousness. That's what happened here, he just, all of the sudden, went absolute apeshit, or 'AAS,' as we call it in the field. Trust me, I'm the eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst in Boston. Do you have any idea what that means? It means that there's only seven people in Boston that are better than me at my job. I'm okay with that. Those are stats I can live with."

Authorities have made it publicly known that all attendees of Blue 22 on Saturday night are wanted for questioning in regards to crimes of public foolishness and unauthorized hip gyrations. Authorities have also warned the public about another South Shore man who is reportedly on a weekend-long tirade about how Montclair is the best part of Quincy. He is to be considered armed and extremely shitfaced, and has been known to wear the following t-shirt for weeks at a time.

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