Monday, May 18, 2009

Ritz Motel announces reopening in North Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Against the wishes of both the public and it’s own management, the infamous Ritz Motel in North Quincy is reopening this summer as part of Mayor Thomas Koch's publicly panned "Saucy Moves" campaign.

Thrice voted the “Sketchiest Shade Hole” in Quincy Seedy Motels Magazine (1992, 1993 and 1998), the Ritz Motel was the location of numerous indescribable acts of inhumane behavior over the years. Closed down by the city several years ago due to pressure from both Capital Hill and PETA, the Ritz has decided to open it’s doors once again, causing a general feeling of disgust to rush through the city.

“That place was the worst,” remarked Val Vickson, a part time bookie and owner of the Ritz. “I just can’t believe it’s reopening. I never wanted to hear those words”.

Neighbors of the establishment were equally appalled. Hark McGark, an unfortunately named unemployed plumber who declined to give his address, stated that the motel was “wicked disgusting” and “the place where dreams go to die.”

Others in the area recalled horrific tales from their past. "I was staying there for an hour once," commented Geraldine Grimplesche, a short order cook from Hough's Neck. "I used to take my lunch break there and read romance novels. It was obviously a gross place, but where else can you rent a room in fifteen minute intervals? I got pregnant two times just from sitting on the bed there once. I don't even know how that happens. I can think of one way---just one---but it's fucking disgusting. I'm gonna go home and boil myself now."

"The mayor has no clue what he's doing," said Matty Southside, a former South Quincy legend. "Clearly, he has no idea the breed of filthy, ridiculous freaks this is gonna bring in from over the bridge. I knew a guy who used to drink at the Cathay Pacific all night long and just stare at the old whores until he couldn't take it anymore. Next thing you know, he's at the Ritz Motel, cranking one out in the sink. What a nasty dude that guy was. I don't care if the mayor gets Billy Mays to pitch this shit at top volume on every cable access station in the city---it's not gonna work."


Bethbaby said...

I can't wait to conceive a child there,the khed will be a golden maggot for sure.

The Quincy Scallion said...

Records show that nine-out-of-ten Quincy kids between the ages of twenty-three and thirty-four were, in fact, conceived at the Ritz Motel.

Lisa Evans said...

The Ritz was open in the 60s, so the dates go a lot further back than that!

Human Lover said...

Hopefully if they redo it it will no longer be an eyesore. Also you really need to do is have a bed and keep it clean that's it plain and simple if you can do that it should be a success good luck