Mayor proposes $12.5 million budget deficit, expects drops in state aid and local receipts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Does City Hall really need a Bose speaker system installed in every room? Why don't we charge for the methadone program? Is there anything we can do about dickheads who use Ecstasy and OxyContin to fuck our teenage daughters?

It was these questions, among many others, that Mayor Thomas Koch fielded from residents yesterday evening in his first of several financial outlook meetings.

As the City of Presidents enters what some are describing as a "grim budget season," Mayor Koch has promised to hold meetings to help residents understand where he is so carelessly dumping city money.

After taking his time to outline a financial picture that could mean a $12.5 million budget deficit next year, Koch then took a short break to host a no-holds-barred macaroni and cheese eating contest in which he was the only participant.

"I am the winner!" Koch screamed, as city residents stared in disbelief.

The meeting also served as the first public interaction with residents for Koch's chief financial officer, Nicholas Puleo, a sad looking sack of shit with nothing to prove.

"Where the fuck do you have to go to take a shit around here?" asked Puleo, who seemed unaware of how sensitive the Fore River Clubhouse's microphones were.


Nicholas Puleo, who has most likely never seen a vagina up close.

Puleo then refused to answer any further questions on city budget, although expressed hope that these problems would "one day work themselves out."

Preparing city residents for an expected drop in state aid and local receipts, Koch painted the picture of a man who was out of ideas, often fumbling through his pre-written speech, which appeared to be nothing more than a shortened version of Bill Pullman's triumphant speech in the 1996 box office smash, Independence Day.

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day," Koch falsely declared.

Koch then went on to describe a number of childish ideas he had been contemplating over the past few months, ranging from purchasing a United States dollar printing press to building a "crazy robotic dinosaur with laser beams for eyes that is able to predict and prevent a financial crisis before it even happens."

While city officials cannot say for sure how much a robotic dinosaur of this sort would cost, experts say that it would be somewhere in the billions.

Thousands apply for mediocre jobs at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Thousands of applicants gave it their best shot during a tremendous job fair held for those interested in working at Quincy's new BJ's Wholesale Club.

The new store, which is set to open this spring, will create 160 new jobs.

BJ's Wholesale Club, the Natick-based wholesale shopping conglomerate, known for it's uncanny ability to almost never overcharge for products, has been a staple of Corporate America for quite some time now.

"It was a very healthy turnout," remarked company spokesman Joe Fruitopia.

Fruitopia, who is the co-founder of the since-defunct eponymous beverage line, was the personal inventor of the Beachside Blast flavor, a fan favorite amongst those who like to take it easy and cool off in a scenic coastal community.


Joe Fruitopia, in a 1997 press shot that was inevitably scrapped due to poor reviews.

"It was the kind of range we were anticipating," Fruitopia added, as he casually soothed his inner workings with a tall glass of Pepto Bismal. "People love bargains. And when they hear that bargains are coming to their town, they want in. I've seen this all before, far too many times. It's amazing how much a failing economy can effect how much one is willing to work an entry-level job. I don't think I'll ever get passed that. People are so desperate in times of need."

Stepping back to light a freshly-rolled Cuban cigar with a fistful of hundreds, Fruitopia then faded backwards into the darkness behind him. And as the darkness consumed him, the sound of a child's laughter could be heard, which, after a brief moment, turned into a soul-crushing, blood-curdling scream.

The all-new 85,000-square-foot store will be located on Crown Colony Drive, and is said to be on track to open this April.

Quincy Aquarium does very little to impress locals, celebrates record-breaking gift shop sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The all-new Quincy Aquarium opened this weekend to lackluster reviews from both critics and residents alike, paving way for what appears to be yet another failed enterprise for the already deteriorating Quincy Center.

The Quincy Aquarium is awkwardly located in the middle of Gay Street, a small side street, known only for it's hilarious name.

"That aquarium was nothing short of despicable," remarked Furnie Brook, owner of an undisclosed parkway in the heart of Quincy. "First of all, none of the marine life was even real. They were just carved wooden figures with paint on them. I'll admit, the craftsmanship was outstanding. But I wasn't looking for art, I was looking to shut three kids up for a couple of hours so I could text my secretary about the horrendous shit I was gonna do to her ass. Now, I have to explain to three toddlers why penguins and seals never move. Fuck my life."

While most residents agreed with Brook's assessment of the aquarium, others were more optimistic, some of them even ecstatic.

"I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about it," claimed Calvin Steadfast, a smooth operator from the seductively enticing side of West Quincy. "But it was funny to find out that Quincy has a Gay Street. I never knew that before."


Photographic evidence that Quincy has a Gay Street, which is located just off of School Street.

"Who cares if the animals aren't real?" asked Dean Kablenko. "They're still amazing to watch. Just because something doesn't move, doesn't make it any less fun. It's pretty much the same opinion I have about sex."

Kablenko then paused for a moment as he received a text message from his wife, who had been watching his interview live on Quincy Access Television. And as the look on his face changed from a general sense of comfort to a mind-bending state of panic, it could only be assumed that he, like many others before him, would be spending the next few nights on the couch.

Answering to complaints from Boston that the City of Presidents had been "biting (their) style," top officials at Quincy City Hall replied that this was, in no way, anything new, as it had been going on for well over a week.

Just last month, Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market had been relocated to Hough's Neck.

A young lady in the newly-relocated Quincy Market, cheating on her husband with Red Auerbach.

"To say that Quincy is attempting to copy Boston is a ludicrous statement," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. "We are merely staking claim to things that should have been ours to begin with. An aquarium is much better suited for our area. Our Gay Street location is far more convenient than Boston's. As far as anybody knows, the Blue Line doesn't even exist. But with our location, there are so many bus routes that pass through the area. Or, if the weather is nice, you can walk through scenic Quincy Center and spend the day drinking in Irish pubs, getting your nails done by the Vietnamese, and wasting your hard-earned money on worthless trinkets in one of our many dollar stores. As for the Quincy Market incident, I think that is an obvious one. That belonged to us from the very beginning. You don't see us running around opening up places called Boston Market, do you?"

It was later revealed that Quincy does, in fact, have a Boston Market.

After only an hour of being open, most of those at the Quincy Aquarium had given up any hope of being entertained, causing many to become confused and purchase as much as possible from the aquarium's insanely overstocked gift shop.

One lady, in particular, was said to have purchased so many items that a specialty store from the Monponsett section of Hanson was flown in by personal helicopter to custom-build a suitcase so that she could carry them all home.

"The aquarium did not have much to offer," admitted Edna Turnip, 98, of North Quincy. "But the gift shop had such an extensive collection of clothing and figurines. I found myself unable to resist the compelling deals and bargains.

Turnip, who is no stranger to diving head-first into wild situations, then walked nearly three miles to her home, where she immediately collapsed dead from a series of presumably pre-existing medical conditions, all while Scallion photographers took pictures and heckled her through a megaphone.

Edna Turnip, who carried over 300lbs. of crap from School St. to Hollis Ave.

Until further notification, the Quincy Aquarium is scheduled to remain open seven days a week, 24 hours a day. It should be noted, however, that scientific experts have predicted that the building, itself, will only last six more days, where it is then expected to literally explode due to the obvious lack of structural integrity, flooding South Quincy and almost all of it's inhabitants.

Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market relocated to Hough's Neck, Craigslist Killer among leading suspects

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Market, the historic building near Faneuil Hall in Downtown Boston, was relocated to the Hough's Neck section of Quincy last night.

While Faneuil Hall has yet to make any official comment on the matter, it remains an excellent location for suburban whores and douchebags to waste their entire paychecks doing the exact same thing they could have done in their own town, all while unnecessarily dressing up, as if there is actually something classy about assimilating yourself into a lifestyle of shitty music, unwarranted cover charges, overpriced mixed drinks, and inevitable date rape.

Authorities discovered this unexpected occurrence when they received an anonymous tip that an out-of-place building had been spotted on Labrecque Field.

"As soon as I saw that building, I knew it didn't belong there," said Rodney Jefferson, the Hough's Neck resident who placed the anonymous call. "I've always had a very keen eye for detail. I tend to notice things that others might miss."

Hough’s Neck Neighborhood Watch founder, Ernie Spindoctor, alerted several members of the community to the building after Mr. Jefferson’s observation.

“Nothing gets by Rodney," Spindoctor said. "He was right on the ball this time. I know for a damn fact that building did not occupy that space yesterday. I spent the better part of my lunch hour flying a model airplane around in that field. How could I have done that if Faneuil Hall was there?”

Calmly chewing an entire pack of Wrigley’s brand gum, wrappers and all, Spindoctor fumbled for the right way to address the situation.

“The fact is, I couldn’t," he added. "You see, I don’t know if you know this, but model airplanes don’t lie. They cannot fly through buildings, historical or not. They are the ultimate test of what is real on this Earth. You think I enjoy skipping lunch and flying those damn things? Not for one minute. I do it to prove a point.”

As to what point Mr. Spindoctor was trying to prove, it remains unclear.

Acting on a hunch, Quincy Police interrogated Philip "The Craigslist Killer" Markoff, who, according to reports, claimed to be in prison at the time of the relocation, making it virtually impossible for him to be involved.

"It's all pretty convenient," said Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy Police Department's 37th best looking employee, not including mechanics, part-time volunteers, or custodians. "A little too convenient, if you ask me."


The Craigslist Killer, who denied any involvement in this crime.

Although common sense tells us that Markoff could not have been responsible for the relocation of Quincy Market, many residents still believe that he is.

"Ever since that kid came to Quincy, it's been fucking chaos," claimed Sally Cider, a spicy little biscuit from Adams Shore. "We don't need people like the Craigslist Killer in our city. Before he came here, this city was beautiful. We oughta stick that kid in one of those piece of shit towns off of Route 24, like Taunton or Bridgewater. That'd be a good punishment. Let's see how long he can handle living among those toothless bastards with their 1985 IROC-Z Camaros and those ladies with acid washed jeans, hi-top Reeboks, and unflicked cigarettes. If you ask me, that's a fine punishment."

At this time, there is still absolutely no evidence of Markoff's involvement.

When reached for comment, Zander Bellacherbo, an 89-year-old nursing home resident with very little knowledge of the incident, would only cryptically add that he had "very little knowledge of the incident.”

While Philip Markoff awaits further interrogation as to his alleged involvement in the Quincy Market switcheroo, many wonder what could possibly happen next.

Speculation abounds on the subject, with wild theories circumventing the area that this is just the beginning of famous landmarks appearing in Hough’s Neck.

Odds-makers, operating illegally out of resident Larry “Chin Music” Hyland’s basement, say the leading bet is a 2-to-1 shot of the Notre Dame Cathedral appearing somewhere on Sea Street before the end of April. If the stunning example of French architecture is found on the even-numbered side of the street, the payout will be quite handsome, indeed.

Brian Dennehy signs deal to begin shooting action-packed adventure film in Quincy Center

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hollywood badass Brian Dennehy has announced that he will be filming what critics are already calling "the most dramatic movie ever filmed" in Quincy Center.

Dennehy, who is best known for his chilling portrayal as Big Tom Callahan in the Farley-Spade vehicle, Tommy Boy, as well his haunting reprisal as the ever-lovable cop-turned-private-detective, Leo McCarthy, in the sleeper hit, FX2: The Deadly Art of Illusion, is said to be "ecstatic" over this new opportunity, stating that it will be exactly what he needs in order to get out of a three-year employee contract at Sully's Spa, which the actor mistakenly signed earlier in the month.

The upcoming film, which will be titled Dramatico, is expected to begin filming in mid-March, and is already projected to bring thousands in revenue to the city.

"Brian Dennehy is one of the most intense actors of our time," Dennehy said, while piling a plate of mediocre pancakes into his mouth at the Early American on Hancock Street. "This movie is going to be filled with drama. It's going to be so dramatic, that even I will be at a loss for words while watching it. Do you remember that scene in Toy Soldiers where Sean Astin was late getting back to the cafeteria, and the terrorists were going to execute another kid because of his disappearance, but then, at the very last second, he returned, and they didn't end up killing anyone? Well, multiply that by a billion. No, two billion. No, forget it---let's be realistic here---keep it at one billion. That is how dramatic this movie is going to be."

It was revealed shortly after that Brian Dennehy has never actually seen Toy Soliders in it's entirety, although watches the infamous cafeteria scene daily.


The teaser poster for Dramatico, which received an R rating before filming even began.

All throughout the city, drama enthusiasts have joined forces, some of them even resorting to going out of their way to act more dramatically, as if by some form of viral marketing. With each passing day, the level of drama in the Granite City steadily increases, becoming more and more prevalent, paving way for what has become one of the most anticipated movies of the new decade.

"This movie is going to be insane," declared Martin "The Spartan" Tolhurst, a blind corner store clerk from Quincy Point, last in the news after an attempted joy ride in the Merrymount area ended with four dead and over a dozen severely injured. "From my understanding, the drama in this movie is gonna be so extreme, you'll literally be able to taste it. But, even if I'm unable to taste it, I'll still know that it's there."


Surveillance footage from Tolhurst's 2006 driving incident, for which he was acquited.

"People love Brian Dennehy movies," Dennehy added, as he devoured his third plate of pancakes, using his trademark, gold-plated serving spoon. "People like to be surprised, and that's exactly what I have to offer them. I have always been full of surprises. My movies are thrilling, thought-provoking, classic examples of true American cinema. With the exception of Summer Catch, every single one of my movies has been a giant box office smash. Or, at the very least, a direct-to-DVD flop. But they have all at least been something, no matter what they were."

Dennehy then casually tossed his serving spoon behind his back and proceeded to stare directly into the eyes of a seemingly random patron. Without hesitation, the patron instinctively began to vigorously tear giant hunks of flesh from her body, eventually collapsing on the floor and dying from massive blood loss.


The bleeding patron, who emergency medical technicians were unable to revive.

At this point, authorities have been unable to make any solid connection between Brian Dennehy and the death of this patron.

Quincy residents are asked to set aside the date of Saturday, February 20th, where select scenes from Dramatico will be acted out with hand puppets in the children's section of the Thomas Crane Public Library.

Mysterious pranksters take Quincy residents back in time with nostalgic gags of old

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A series of old and familiar pranks took place over the weekend, causing many Quincy residents to be forced to look back and realize that not much has changed.

Most notable is what happened at the infamous Kim Market, where the words "Stay Free" were crudely spray painted on the brick wall of the building's left side.

As many inhabitants of the area may remember, these exact words had been spray painted on that wall some decades ago, where they remained for many years.

"This is a disgraceful act," claimed Officer Nico Haylen. "But it's also kind of amusing. I'm not condoning vandalism, but, if you absolutely have to do it, you might as well do everything you can to make it funny. And I don't care what anybody says, this is pretty funny. Kim Market must think that they got stuck in some sort of crazy time warp. Chinese people almost never know what's going on, it's hilarious."


Kim Market, whose general disregard for proper grammar is no secret at all.

Next on the list took place at an abandoned storefront on Newport Avenue, between Beale Street and Brook Street, in the area of Village Driving School.

This storefront, which has been abandoned and unattended to for as long as most Quincy residents can remember, was once the home to a Clash's London Calling poster, which, according to a 1991 edition of the Black's Creek newsletter, was visible through a cloudy window of the former establishment.

As reported by authorities during a Sunday morning press conference on the rooftop of Fratelli's Bakery, the Clash poster has since returned, although, this time, is glued to the outside of the window.

The infamous Clash poster, back in action on the deteriorating Beale Street strip.

"I have no idea what's going on in that fucking town," claimed Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who declined to comment any further.

While authorities are baffled by these recent pranks, no arrests have been made.

Quincy District Attorney and early Beastie Boys enthusiast, Calvin Shoreshott, however, promised swift vindication to all those involved.

"People in this city have been doing what they please for far too long," said Shoreshott. "People are making a joke out of our law enforcement and traditional values, acting like life is a big commercial."

Stopping briefly to grab two girlies and a beer that's cold, Shoreshott continued. "We believe that we are looking for a young man, or possibly a group of young men. From my experience, Quincy girls are unable to perform even the most meaningless task without getting their disgusting period blood all over the place. Anyone who has been to either of these two locations since Saturday night can clearly see that there is no more blood there than usual. Plus, given the fact that every woman in the history of mankind has the exact same handwriting, we can clearly see that this is the act of a man. We will find who is responsible for these actions, and we will prosecute them to the fullest capacity. These motherfuckers are going down hard."

Until further information is known, no further information will be made available.

As usual, Kim Market will be offering illegal sex acts in the basement level of their establishment, which is said to include their world famous "Hi-Definition Handjob," a mind-blowing combination of old school techniques and new school technology.

Quincy restaurateur to open "crazier second restaurant" on Marina Bay boardwalk

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The owner of Siros restaurant in Marina Bay will be opening another eatery on the complex’s boardwalk, this time catering to the crazier side of the city.

Siros owner Kristy Hendersen has reported that she has already obtained a lease to open a restaurant and function hall called Port 305 in the former Skyline.

"It's going to be a family restaurant," Hendersen said. "But it's also going to be fucking insane. You thought Water Works was bad? Wait until you see this shit. We're gonna have jello wrestling, mechanical bull riding, baby slapping, dance-offs, bonanzas, jump roping, murder contests, and fucking midget sex. Yeah, you heard me right; midgets having sex while you eat. So fucking gross, but so fucking awesome. This place is gonna be a non-stop mind fuck!"

Hassan Haydar, property manager of Boardwalk Shops Realty Corp., who took over ownership of the Skyline location, confirmed that Hendersen has signed a lease for the 305 Victory Road location, although stated that she must still obtain city permits and license transfers before she can open.

This, Haydar said, should not pose a major problem, as his influence and power of persuasion should be "more than enough to seal the deal."

Hassan Haydar (left) and a business associate (right) during their last property deal.

"There's gonna be so many balloons," Hendersen added, as she stared down a passing jogger, never once blinking, always maintaining the stare. "The entire first floor is going to be made out of meat. And the second floor is gonna be a futuristic function hall. Whether it's karaoke, dancing, or picking up a quarter pound of honey baked ham, everything you could ever need is gonna be in this place. It's gonna be a one-stop fiesta of your wildest dreams. I can't wait to fucking open this shit."

Hendersen later confirmed that deli meat will not be made available at the restaurant, although did admit that it would have been "wicked awesome," had it been true.


The only known photograph of Hendersen, just before she attacked Slim of Quincy Daily Photo.

As reported by more respectable media sources in the area, assets of the former establishment will be auctioned off on January 27th.

The auction will include restaurant hardware and equipment that was seized by a heartless creditor after Skyline owners Gail and Freddy Sliderman lost their asses in Vegas back in November, causing them to shut down and close for good.

Author's Note: Happy birthday to Slick Rick and Jason Bateman!!!

Mayor Koch to approve torpedo attack on Weymouth, destruction of Fore River Bridge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what is being called the boldest move of his career, Mayor Thomas Koch is expected to approve a torpedo attack on Weymouth, destroying the Fore River Bridge, thus making it virtually impossible to travel between the two cities.

Weymouth, which is known for it's inability to entertain mankind for more than twelve seconds, as well as being a giant obstacle for Whitman and Abington kids traveling north, has long since been the shame of the South Shore.

Liza Stufart, a domestic engineer and mother of one from Whitman, who is so insanely stubborn that she has actually convinced her sick, demented mind that Weymouth isn't even part of the South Shore, agrees with Mayor Koch's decision, stating that the destruction of the Fore River Bridge will not only make Quincy better, but may bring new businesses to the area, as well.

"There is no legitimate reason why anyone from Weymouth should ever cross the Quincy border," Stufart commented, as she casually reenacted the final act of Brian De Palma's Scarface. "Once Quincy takes out the Fore River Bridge, the only thing they'll need is a porn store. After that, it's all gravy."

Stufart then proceeded to throw a series of wild, yet well-placed spin kicks and haymakers at anyone who she declared as having a "Weymouth face," which, according to experts, is a face that looks so much like Weymouth, that there is absolutely no way of mistaking where the owner of said face hails from.

Stufart was detained shortly after, however, as her nonsensical ramblings and maniacal movements were decided to be "just a little overboard," as the mayor pulled up in his city-issued Hummer H1 to present a framed declaration of war to Weymouth spokeswoman, Carla McFang. Stufart was brought to the Quincy Police Department, where she was frisked extensively and beaten within an inch of her life.


Mayor Koch with Carla McFang, who mistakenly thought she was accepting an award.

Mistaking the mayor's declaration of war for an award, McFang then posed with the framed statement for what she took to be a chance photo op. This, of course, did very little to ease the shame that all Weymouth residents must deal with, causing many in the inferior city to begin rethinking McFang's role as spokeswoman.

"McFang is a fucking whorebag," remarked Neal Diamondz, a man who has lived on both sides of the bridge, no matter how fucked up that may seem. "Anyone that gets one-upped by Mayor Koch is a fucking idiot. I've done a lot of shameful things in my life---believe me---but living in Weymouth is the worst of them, by far."

Parading the giant torpedo through the Fore River Shipyard, dozens of spectators were able to stare at the great weapon, each with the dazed and puzzled stare of a girl who has just been told that she had a load dumped inside her.

"He who dares!" the mayor exclaimed, as his signature hairdo majestically whipped and tousled under the massive gust of an out-of-view industrial strength fan. "Tomorrow, our great city shall attack Weymouth by means of a single torpedo. We will do so by destroying the Fore River Bridge, making it so the only way for Weymouth to penetrate the Quincy barrier will be Route 53, which is notoriously slow-moving, as well as frustrating on the soul. On the last day of 2009, I shall launch my torpedo into the heart of that bridge, and I shall watch as it crumbles before me. I offer Weymouth no more notice than that, and ask that all residents refrain from attempting to stay in our city, as we most definitely will find you. No single Weymouth resident has ever successfully been able to pull off blending in with a crowd of Quincy people. Maybe it's the hypodermic needles hanging out of their neck, or maybe it's the Nightstick t-shirt that they're wearing, but, either way, we can always tell. I honestly don't give a fuck if you can't get to Boston without that bridge. If you need to go shopping, go to the Independence Mall. And if you have a problem with that, you can suck the meatlover's pizza out of my swollen, red ass."

The torpedo, made by Bluefin Robotics, on display at the Fore River Shipyard earlier this morning.

"He who dares!" the mayor repeated, before disappearing into a cloud of smoke and glitter, as the Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" blasted through the shipyard's Bose speaker system at an ear-shattering volume.

It is still unclear as to what time, exactly, the mayor is expected to destroy the Fore River Bridge, although bomb specialists and bridge disaster analysts all agree that an attack at exactly "high noon" would be most likely, as the mayor's love for classic westerns is no secret at all.

Local man takes on city over battle to preserve notorious Quincy Center watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went berserk last night over Quincy Center's ongoing development project, which announced in a press conference yesterday that it will be requiring the demolition of Tully's Cafe, a beloved watering hole, which has attracted the attention of the seedy underbelly of Quincy since it's very beginnings.

Authorities were dispatched to the Quincy Center strip at 10:38PM, last night, with reports of a drunken man and his followers organizing what was referred to as "an impressive rebellion," which was allegedly aiming to march through the city streets and storm City Hall in an epic display of pride and intolerance.

Authorities arrested several bar patrons, including Rick Rambone, an out-of-work, under-the-table bartender, who was reported to have been "so drunk that he would have gone down on Amy Winehouse."

Rambone was then taken in for questioning, where he repeatedly attempted to fondle his sweaty, repulsive testicles while being finger printed. It was an act that Rambone was no stranger to, as he has apparently pulled the exact same move a total of nine times over the twelve months.

Rambone was charged with attempted uprising, acting like a dickhead, and exposing himself to a police officer. He will be arraigned Monday morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Tully's Cafe, which has been plagued with a reputation so bad that Quincy has not seen the likes of it since the glory days of the Sag, has made no official statement regarding this. It is expected that all interested parties are still pondering their next move over a table of Old Grand Dad whiskey and Roche Bros. finger sandwiches.

Rambone, trying to get used to the idea of a life without Tully's.

"Those cops violated my right to protest," claimed Rambone, as he soothed the pain away with a series of key bumps and room temperature beers. "Tully's is the best bar in the whole entire world. There are no rules in there. Anything goes. You can dance on tables, you can crank butts in the back, you can do whatever you want. You could even make out with a toothless hooker, if you really wanted to. Nobody in that place has anything to lose, and they all know it. It's like an episode of HBO's Deadwood in there. And they have that hilarious painting with the three dogs, who are all wearing shirts, but not pants. And they're all looking for a golf ball. I'm pretty sure it's called 'In the Ruff,' but I'm not positive. What's gonna happen to that painting if Quincy knocks down Tully's? What's gonna happen to me? Without Tully's, my sex life would be nothing. I'd be at a total loss. The mayor's gonna be hearing from me on this one, you can count on that."

While some admit that Tully's may be good for the city, as it has been known to keep the more unsavory characters of the city in one place, others have gone so far as to say they are glad to hear the news of it's demise.

"Tully's is a bad place," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "A lot of really shady things have gone down there. It's definitely a no-questions-asked establishment, that's for sure. I remember when they found some Swedish nanny's torso on the roof of that place. Nobody would admit to seeing anything. They all just kept drinking their beers and sneaking off to the bathroom to do coke, it was disgusting. Some guy was running head-first into the jukebox for beers. And his girlfriend was getting dry humped by two guys who couldn't even keep their eyes open. It was a sad state of affairs. I've seen abortion clinic waiting rooms with more smiles than this place had. It's a dark place, even on an emotional level. I'm glad they're gonna be tearing it down. This city doesn't need a place like that. Good riddance."

Another perspective, which seems to be shared by a maximum of one resident of the area, is that this backdoor plotting against Tully's Cafe is the work of the enigmatic Craigslist Killer, the hilarious, bumbling psychopath who recently half-assed his way through a series of internet-related robberies and murder.

"The Craigslist Killer wants to make that entire street a black market prostitution zone," said Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy. "The Craigslist Killer has had his hands in this city development project since the very beginning. He's been giving Mayor Koch secret orders from his prison cell. That whole street that Tully's is on is gonna be one huge Hookerville by the time he's through with it. And, if he ever gets out of jail, he's gonna go straight there and just lose his fucking mind. It's gonna be like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto III, except this time, there's gonna be shitload more dead hookers."

The Craigslist Killer, having a good laugh over Tully's, while putting on his signature war jacket.

Llamas then grabbed the side mirror of a passing 215 bus and allowed himself to be dragged back to the west side of town, all while yelling, "Whatever it takes!" to the shocked and befuddled onlookers.

It is still unclear as to what particular drug Llamas had exposed himself to, but it is this reporter's opinion that it was a mix of raging barbiturates and mind-numbing downers.

Local gas station admits to having "questionable intentions," promises "intense orgasms"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Hess gas station in North Quincy closed its doors today, giving way to a the Kum & Go gas station, which markets itself as a "one-stop shop for all of your fueling and sexual needs."

Offering everything from gasoline, diesel fuel, blowjobs, dildo machines, threesomes, and semi-synthetic motor oil, Kum & Go has raised many questions from residents of the neighborhood, some of them even claiming that allowing such self-indulgent behavior to take place will leave little room for control.

"Crude and indecent acts like this should only be allowed in places where it can be contained," remarked Dr. Hendricks Mathers, author of Sex Before Mariage?! and Open Heart Surgery 101: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Dr. Hendricks Mathers. "Places like this should only exist in Amesterdam and Las Vegas. But if it has to be in Quincy, at least make it Germantown.

Following the ribbon cutting ceremony, Mayor Thomas Koch announced an 8.9% "sex tax" on all sexual acts obtained at the new establishment, including, but not limited to, use of industrial strength sex machines, lubricants, fingering, fisting, fucking, face fucking, and/or tweaking of the nipples.

While residents showed obvious signs of opposing the sex tax, Mayor Koch dismissively waved at the crowd and suggested that they "settle down and just be happy about the fair price of the gas." This, along with the fact that City Hall aide, Joe Schlopp, had already been in the Kum & Go for over an hour, caused much of the crowd to angrily pile into the establishment and relieve their tensions in a most unsavory manner.

"That was the single most satisfying gas station trip I have ever had," said Bonnie Gumdroppe, an aspiring school teacher and stripper from Adams Shore. "I like my guys a little rough around the edges, you know what I'm saying? I told the manager there that I wanted a real gritty dude, and he brings out this West Quincy kid. The kid looked like he was banged up on at least three "eighties." He was a total mess. But he sure knew how to light my ass on fire, I'll tell you that much. He took me out back and fuckin' nailed that shit. That was some 'smack it, flip it, rub it down' type shit. He was smackin' my titties around like they were fuckin' Milton kids. And I haven't had an orgasm like that in years. It was explosive. Literally. The last time I felt something that good, I was looking upward at the bottom side of bleachers. Good times."


Bonnie Gumdroppe, "shaved, enraged, and ready to go."

The Kum & Go gas station will remain open pending further review from multiple concerned parties in the South Shore, and is available for all of your fueling and sexual needs, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are currently offering unleaded gasoline at a record-breaking dollar and fifty-five cents per gallon, and are offering fair and reasonable rates to even the strangest of requests, no matter how disturbing they may be.

"We only ask one question here," explained Tommy McDoggett, franchise owner of the North Quincy Kum & Go branch. "We ask 'How can I make you blast one today?' But that's it. We offer a good service, and we ain't goin' nowhere. It's worth the price we charge, no matter how much your mayor is taxing you. The gas is just to get you here. It's just a fuckin' illusion. Once you get here and see the bitches and dudes we got up in here, you won't be goin' nowhere quick. 'Come for the gas...stay for the ass,' as we say it. This shit's outta fuckin' control, kid!"

Resident claims six-car hit-and-run was personal protest to return original font street sign

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Wonkers Villanova, 43, of Lunt Street, has denied claims that excess amounts of drugs and alcohol contributed to his six-car hit-and-run accident Thursday night, instead choosing to tell arresting officers that the chaos was the result of his “one man campaign to bring back the original font of the Lunt Street sign.”

Villanova, who has thirty-two prior DUI offenses, as well as a slew of other convictions, claims that living on the only Quincy street to use cursive letters in its sign has driven him to the brink of insanity.

“I just wanna be treated like everyone else,” claimed Villanova, as he washed away the terrors of a night in jail with a frosty pint of Guinness. “I’m sick and tired of people making fun of me because of my cursive street sign. I just want a normal street again, like it was back in the day. Who cares if kids kept changing the ‘L’ to a ‘C,’ it was hilarious!”

Charges being brought forth against Mr. Villanova include operating under the influence, reckless endangerment, leaving the scene of an accident, property damage in excess of $5,000, and gunning empties all over his neighbors’ lawns.

The cursive lettered street sign has long been a point of confusion for commuters, with GPS systems and most area residents simply being unable to comprehend letters that swoop and connect to each other.

“Friggin’ retarded,” remarked Nerf O’Doul, 38, a long time Lunt Street apartment renter and the only Quincy resident to be injured in the Falkland Island’s war. “Why don’t they just write that shit in Microsoft Wing-Dings while they’re at it? You can’t read that. Nobody can. It’s ridiculous. Cursive is a dead language, buddy. A dead serious dead fucking language.”

When asked about the possible plans to change the sign back, Mayor Thomas Koch simply ignored the question as he helped himself to a heaping portion of Vermont cheddar cheese, followed by doing that weird thing where you kinda half-puke and swallow in the same disgusting movement.

A small group of drunken protestors then gathered together at the corner of Lunt Street and Billings Road, where they were soon subdued through the use of an experimental new Super Soaker™ that heats up water to a boiling two hundred degrees before firing.

Mr. Villanova then expressed a desire to hold some sort of neighborhood meeting this weekend with the intent to bombard City Hall with requests for a new street sign.

“This Saturday, starting 2:00PM in my backyard, we are going to get shit taken care of," voiced Villanova as Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” could be heard at ear splitting volumes from his car stereo. “Come one, come all. It’s going to be a political, grassroots kinda thing. BYOB though, cause I’m not legally allowed to buy beers after I rocked my pickup truck through the front of the Supreme Pantry last year. Make sure to bring your intense desire to see a real change in this city. Also, try and round up a few Newcastle kegs. They don’t even want us to rise up, but we’ll do it---you see me wreck all those cars? That’s cause I want to make a difference in this world. Oh, and bust out some of those red cups so we can drink in the street on the sly. And somebody start making some calls. I wanna do some fucking coke!”

Ironically, the subject of a change to the street sign’s original font was brought up multiple times during city hall meetings over the years, but as alcoholic beverages were not allowed, attendance was sparse.

Tarbox Jones, a welfare recipient who lives in Mr. Villanova’s tool shed then closed the discussion by repeatedly screaming “crazy, killah kegga ked!” into a bullhorn. This hilarious act was put to an end, however, when the body of a young girl was found by several neighborhood stoners on the roof of Sam's Variety

The body has yet to be identified, and like at least two other unsolved murders, had been removed of all teeth. Like before, the scattered remnants of a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was also found in the general vicinity of the body. There was no powdered wig found this time, although police were only legally able to look at areas where the sun shines. Attentions were then immediately taken off the case, as residents began to notice a late-model Toyota Corolla with a smashed clock on its hood, causing authorities and residents to just stare and wonder why.

Mayor Koch holds "2009 State of the City Address”

SUCK IT, BITCHES: 100th FUCKING ARTICLE!

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

At 8:00AM on Saturday morning, Mayor Thomas Koch held the first annual “State of the City Address” from Quincy City Hall.

The mayor’s speech was aimed at a growing concern over crime, civil unrest, political corruption, budget overspending, anonymous blogging, and renegade law enforcement officials, amongst other concerns.

The hour-long address was followed by a press conference and public forum that was commissioned by City Hall to allow greater dialogue between municipal workers and the citizens of Quincy.

”Fear not, my citizens,” exclaimed Mayor Koch, as he carelessly spread a heaping portion of Miracle Whip onto an abnormally large hoagie. “One thing my high school education taught me is that, if you pay attention to things, you can actually learn some really valuable lessons. One lesson I have learned as your mayor is that the residents of Quincy are a demanding and robust breed, full of life and energy, and anxious for change. I am that change. Last night, I arrived home late from a long and hard day’s work. I kissed my wife and children, and then I went to bed. And do you know what happened next? I’ll tell you right now what happened; I had a dream!”

At this moment, a mint condition, extremely clean, white sneaker was thrown at the mayor, causing him to tumble backwards, spilling the contents of his hoagie onto the floor.

“Yo, this is bullshit,” screamed Neal Diamondz, a one-hit wonder of the underground hip-hop scene. “The people of Quincy want answers, and they want them now!"

A scuffle then broke out between the mayor’s bodyguards, transit police, and members of the crowd. Jeff Archaic, 29, a freelance alcohol tester from the Norfolk Downs area, was arrested and charged with manslaughter after his wild flailing arms and hysterical screaming caused local old timer, Alf Nelson, to collapse dead of a heart attack.

Funeral arrangements for Mr. Nelson will be held at Lydon Funeral Home on Monday morning, although it is expected that absolutely no one will attend.

Neal Diamondz, however, was unable to be charged, as his starfish-like ability to regenerate mint condition, extremely clean, white sneakers made it impossible for police to pin the rebellious act on him

"Smell ya later," shouted Diamondz, as he dove into the crowd with the carefree and youthful energy of an early nineties grunge rocker.

While the unruly participants of the crowd were subdued, the mayor returned to the podium sporting slicked back hair and what appeared to be a Dracula-esque cape.

“My sandwich is gone, but my hunger for serving the people of this fine city is not at all diminished,” bellowed Koch to scattered applause and coughs from the audience. “We are all here today to bring this city up to the gold standard that it deserves. My leadership and my trusted team of employees, with the notable exception of those currently facing class action lawsuits and criminal probes, will guide this city into the inevitable Blade Runner style future on our horizon.”

Koch then stared directly at the sun for approximately eight minutes before yelling “Yes we can!” into the microphone.

A brief parade then commenced, which featured the finest of the city’s automobiles, some of which included vintage Corvettes, mint condition Cadillacs, and the mayor’s own Jeep Grand Cherokee with a “QUINCY” license plate.


Mayor Koch's Jeep Grand Cherokee, sporting the infamous "QUINCY" license plate.

”You don’t deserve that plate,” shouted “Gorgeous” George Camaro, a roots rock enthusiast from Wollaston. “All you do is spend our money on ridiculous things, like shag carpeting, office restorations, Bose stereo systems, and most recently, a hundred pounds of shredded beef.”

Camaro then hopped the fence and attempted to attack the mayor, where he was shot on sight by the diabetic Officer Nico Haylen.

Camaro was then brought to Quincy Medical Center where he was given a complimentary haircut, as the bullet merely skimmed his signature coiffure, making it the first, and so far only, time Officer Haylen has ever fired a single shot at someone without literally taking their face off.

”I dunno,” commented an obviously disappointed Haylen. “I guess it just wasn’t my day. That kid was just too slippery for me. If you wanna take someone like that out, you must have just the right bullets. Oh well, there’s always next time.”

There is no word yet on whether, or not, Haylen’s comments intentionally paraphrased a lyric from Tom Waits. There was word, however, that Camaro’s hospital-issued haircut was deemed “fantastic” by all those who saw it.

Officer Haylen’s blood sugar level then suffered a devastating blow when his afternoon tea was spiked with the banned Ephedrine-laced energy drink, Speed Stack. This was apparently in retaliation from Val “Swerve Dog” Vickson, a former gambling con-man who owned Quincy Tickets on Hancock Street for roughly seventeen hours before becoming involved in a bitter feud with a waitress at the Hancock Tavern next door.

Vickson was apprehended blocks away from the parade at New England Comics with two empty Speed Stack containers and an illegal amount of Clubman® brand aftershave doused on his person.

An announcement from Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, followed the shooting, in which he maintained that this was still the least controversial public address by the mayor and urged those in the crowd to “chill the fuck out for once in your miserable lives.”

Schlopp then went on to refer to Koch as an “Obama-like superstar” with impeccable one-liners and a keen eye for loose women. “With diligent, mayoral servants in control, City Hall will take care of this," he added. "That’s right, DMS is running the show.”

It remains unclear if Schlopp was aware that he was paraphrasing Madball lyrics, although it seems the entire city is filled with fans of the notorious, yet lovable, New York hardcore band.

The mayor’s Bose surround sound system, paid for entirely with funds from a tax on triple-deckers at Wendy’s, was then used to supply uplifting background music. After mere seconds of deliberation, Koch settled on Basil Poledouris’ “Anvil of Crom” from the “Conan the Barbarian” soundtrack.

But the calming uplift did not last for long, as Cletus “Clubweather” Johnson, a local black, was arrested for disorderly conduct, causing Barack Obama to immediately ridicule the Quincy Police Department until all charges were dropped.

The arresting officer, Patrolman John Steele, a seasoned rookie of the force, was then publicly crucified by almost every active media source but the Quincy Scallion and Fox News, being accused of racism, excessive force, and ridiculous decision making.

”I don’t really see how Officer John Steele is a racist,” commented Audrey Baloney, Boston’s eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. “He was the second guy to give Reggie Lewis mouth-to-mouth, right after Sergeant James Crowley of the Boston Police Department. Not many people realize that, but it’s true. I saw it---from a rooftop---while I was analyzing a crime. That’s what I do. I don’t know, though, I guess I just don’t see how a man putting his white lips directly onto another man’s black lips can be racist. If anything, it’s a little gay, but it’s certainly not racist.”

Hollywood staple Laurence Fishburne, seen bowling at Olindy’s Lanes & Games during the altercation, expressed doubt that the situation would resolve peacefully. “I doubt that this situation will resolve peacefully,” said Fishburne.

Others, however, remained optimistic. “No comment,” optimistically replied "Silent" Mike K, a Charlestown native with a knack for “seein’ nuthin’” and “not snitchin.'"

As round after round of Dunkin’ Donuts “Box O’ Joes” were purchased by the city in order to placate the uneasy crowd, tensions yet again flared as Victor C., a notorious “Yelper” with no known address, flipped his shit over the lack of plain, yellow mustard.

“Give me a goddamn break, will you? I mean, this event is set up flawlessly, and I’d give the fresh coffee a 5-out-of-5, but the lack of yellow mustard, for which, I’ll admit this much, I have absolutely no need for right now, is driving me insane!”

But as more and more people drank the undebatably delicious fresh brewed Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, frustrations seemed to diminish as the soothing effects liquid codeine began to kick in, turning the overall scene into something reminiscent of the Freedom Rally, Boston’s beloved festival, in which residents of the city are given one day with no fucking rules.

“I don’t know who spiked that shit with codeine, but I’d like to thank them very much,” said Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor, and star of the straight-to-DVD flop, Thirtysomething Wolf. “I feel like I could sleep for days. Sometimes, when I feel this way, I like to run my fingers through my flawless pompadour and just let loose for a while. Now, the only thing I need is a big set of titties to stare at. After that, I’m golden.”

As the “State of the City Address” came to its conclusion, spectators began making their way through the crowd, each of them anxiously looking for Sweden, the mysterious poster from the Quincy Scallion’s comments section.

”I don’t even know what to look for,” remarked Phil Turkolio, a known facefucker from Germantown, who is in no way related to mayoral candidate, Tom Turkolio. “From what I hear, they have that chick narrowed down to living in Montclair, and being slightly older than Beak Wilder, but that’s all I know. Although, I must admit, I’ve noticed that she absolutely never comments on any of Brunk Edwards’ solo articles. I’m not sure how that’s gonna help me find her, but I figured it was worth mentioning.”

But before the festivities were able to conclude, a final showdown between Mayor Koch and mankind occurred, happening just after a black Volkswagen and Cambridge-esque scooter pulled up, driven by the one and only Dink Lightning, a Braintree resident who would give almost anything to be from Quincy, even her spleen.

”Fuck you, Mayor Koch,” screamed Dink Lightning, as she sped off into the street, immediately colliding with a giant piece of iron carried by Tom Turkolio and exploding into a fiery blaze.


Dink Lightning, just before fucking the deal and almost, sort of dying in a crazy inferno.

The public address was then brought to a sudden standstill as Dink Lightning was brought to Quincy Medical Center with third degree burns over her entire body, and Tom Turkolio was in need of what appeared to be a single band-aid.

There is no word yet on whether Dink Lightning will survive, nor is there any word on exactly how much Tom Turkolio can lift over his head, although it is estimated to be somewhere in the thousands.

Jeff Brophy was unavailable for comment on this situation, as his advisor, Wavy Davey, claims he was “campaigning heavily,” though eyewitnesses clearly place the both of them drinking on Wollaston Beach, wearing nothing but diapers and tinfoil hats.

Mayor Koch then closed the festivities with one of his most amazing speeches to date, followed by hours and hours of non-stop dancing and gyrating.

"We are entering a new millennium of politics," the mayor stated. "A millennium of change. And I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that I am doing a magnificent job. It may appear that I am not---to the untrained eye, that is---but I am doing spectacular. You must believe me. One small step for man, one giant step for my career. I urge you, voters of this fine city, to please vote for me in this upcoming election. If I am not elected for next term, I will immediately go on unemployment, and I will milk you fuckers for everything it's worth. I promise you that. And that is one promise that I'm willing to keep."

Mayor Koch was then picked up by a stretched limousine driven by fledgling rap artist, Joey A, who casually flipped off the audience and drove away at a speed comparable to a mentally retarded turtle, causing spectators to shrug it off and go home. All in all, it was a pretty uneventful day, however, when compared to the surrounding towns, somewhat rich and enjoyable. Thank you for reading. Until next time.

City gamblers rejoice as game of chance is introduced to already risky convenience store

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a bold and daring business move, the Quincy Center Station convenience store has finally agreed to dabble in the world of Keno, the lovable, but sometimes devastatingly bank-breaking, Mass Lottery game, in which there is no possible way of losing, unless, of course, you do not choose the correct numbers.

Red line commuters will now be able to risk it all with a thrilling game of Keno before and after their boring, urine-scented train rides, leaving some locals so excited that they can barely contain it.

“I’m gonna win hundreds playing this game,” claimed Freddy Dunka, a Merrymount legend known for constantly making people smell his fingers after Germantown parties. “Maybe even thousands. I'm gonna take one of those little pencils and bet on every fucking number there is. Easy as cake!”

Risk takers from all walks of life, more often than not, the lowest of the low, can now try their luck at the store in the hopes of achieving the American dream: to win insane amounts of unearned money in a split second. But the lure of easy money may prove to be too much for some, as evidenced by the blood-curdling screams of Tito “The Fake Indian” McGarnigle, a legendary Quincy Center Station character who lost his entire life savings of forty-three dollars in the blink of an eye.

The store, located directly across from the ill-reputed, now defunct, Donut & Donuts coffee shop, has threatened commuters with a good time since the game of Keno was invented, but never actually followed through with having the gambling game available in the store until now.


The hilariously incorrect "Play Keno On Here" sign / Photo courtesy of Moranzo Llamas

”I don’t really understand what’s going on here,” commented Charlene “Labia Face” Tucker, an unfortunate looking woman from the bowels of Quincy Point. “I'm glad that they're trying to keep up with the times, but, from the looks of those signs they have hanging up, it appears that the Keno section is located on the roof. It’s like Quincy Center is starting some sort of rooftop gambling racket. It's very confusing.”

This is not the first time a sign in the store has led customers astray. Two summers ago, a monumental error in grammar offered consumers “Free Cigarette Puppies.” This was only remedied after staff thwarted repeated attempts by high school kids to add copious amounts of Camel Lights to their frozen fountain drinks.

"This is a classic example of utilizing the rooftop loophole," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "You see, a lot of people don't realize this, but local police have no jurisdiction on rooftops. That's why people always act the fool when they're on one. If this convenience store is actually trying to start a Keno gambling ring on the roof of Quincy Center Station, there's really nothing anybody can do about it. All I can do is analyze the crime, I can't stop it. I'm a 9-to-5 girl, I'm not getting all involved in that. What do you want from me, it's not like I'm Bruce Willis, or anyone like that. Write a complaint letter if you want, I've already got plenty. I'll put it right in the bottom of the pile. It don't matter to me."

So far, the seemingly unnamed convenience store has denied all allegations of attempting to start a rooftop criminal gambling enterprise, nor do they appear to even realize the horrid solecism that has occurred.

Wollaston Beach confirmed to be absolutely filthy, everyday activities predicted to remain the same

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study has shown that bacteria levels on Wollaston Beach are at an all-time high, with bacteria counts hitting as high as 10,500 in certain sections.

The study, which was performed on a state-owned section of the notoriously disgusting beach, has city and state health officials up in arms, with each side pointing the finger at whoever they can.

Subpar excuses, ranging from excessive rainfall, ocean dumpage, carelessly flicked cigarette butts, increasingly popular beachfront masturbation practices, and George W. Bush, have been the subject of many long and meaningless meetings, causing many taxpayers to wonder if they will ever get to swim at the beach again.

"We're gonna handle this problem as smoothly and efficiently as possible," promised Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, recently appointed by the city to be the fall guy for the debacle. "We have a lot of people looking into this, and I can safely say that people will one day be able to swim in these beautiful waters again. We have a lot of great ideas right now, and we're just kinda running through them until one of them works. It's a tactical process called the 'law of averages,' and it's a little difficult to explain to those who aren't in the field."

Stopping momentarily to break wind, Schlopp continued his explanation of the city's plans. "Here's just one example of how we're using everybody's money to attempt to solve this. We are currently rewatching The Day After Tomorrow, which is a fine film, if you ask me. What we're hoping for is that we can actually pinpoint exactly what Dennis Quaid's job title is in the film. I think we could probably use a guy like that, to be honest. He was smart, he was handsome, and he was an excellent father. And let's face it, Dennis Quaid is an amazing actor. Imagine having to grow up with Randy Quaid as your older brother? I can't even imagine the hilarious situations those two used to get themselves in. Who knows, if the city funds allow it, we could even hire the actual Dennis Quaid to cut the ribbon on opening day. You know, after that problem is solved---which it will be. Maybe we could even have a volleyball tournament, or possibly a clam bake, although I'm not sure how relevant that is to the situation at hand, at least not at this time. But what is relevant, when it comes down to it? What does 'relevant' actually mean? Is an unanswered question not actually an answer? Either way, we're all over this problem like a West Quincy kid on a passed out girl. We have a dedicated team of intellectuals that are currently figuring out a way to fix this. We're gonna find the source of the bacteria, we're gonna smack, we're gonna flip it, and then we're gonna rub it down. That's a promise."

There is no confirmation yet on if Dennis Quaid will actually play a part in the debacterization process at Wollaston Beach, nor has any confirmation been made as to whether this clam bake will ever actually happen.

Merrymount Park water fountain finally does stuff

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

After what was once described as a "ridiculously long wait," the Merrymount Park water fountain in Wollaston is finally doing what it was designed to do---make water continuously spurt in a vertical fashion.

"This is a great place to take the kids," commented Chucky Blendano, a pill-popping single dad from Wollaston Center, and self-proclaimed number one fan of the Leprechaun film franchise. "I just love water fountains. I could sit here and watch water squirt upwards all day long, it's that fucking exciting. And there's nothing I love more than to just launch all my hard earned money into the water and make fleeting wishes for a better life, it's absolutely thrilling. I'm gonna fill this thing with pennies, you just watch. And who knows, maybe an animal will drink the water someday and end up dying a slow and painful death from copper poisoning. The possibilities are endless. I haven't been this excited since Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood came out."

Other residents of the neighborhood were equally as excited. Some families played frisbee by the water fountain, while others just stood in awe, each of them wondering what makes the water go up. "This is nothing short of amazing," said Christina Behr-Spille, an Adams Shore girl known for her low requirements for getting to "third base" on the first date. "I'm gonna spend my entire summer here. I'll figure out how this thing works if it fucking kills me. I can't wait to be here with some nameless, shitfaced Quincy kid as he's all out ideas and he drunkenly resorts to kneeding my crotch like a pile of dough. That shit never gets old."

But among the amazed and confused spectators, not all were equally impressed. "It's just a water fountain," said Matty Hammers, a top-notch scientist from Allston, known for his ability to turn any situation into an excuse to buy a round of whiskey shots. "It's a series of hoses and tubes, that's it. These Quincy kids act like they've never seen a water fountain before. There's some serious lack of intelligence going on in this city, and it's starting to depress me, to be honest. Isn't this the same park where they put the statue of the three World War II troops the wrong way, and now, when you're driving by it on Southern Artery, all you see is three asses? Who does that? How does something like that even happen? I'll tell you this much, if there's one thing in this whole situation that's guaranteed, it's that this water fountain will be completely filled with cigarette butts within a week. But, either way, this is still a time for celebration, and, if anyone wants to join me at the Hancock Tavern, shots are on me. I hear they have an outdoor deck now."

Mayor Koch removes speed limits on Newport Avenue, unveils Newport Autobahn

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Following advice from German investors, Mayor Thomas Koch has unveiled his long rumored Newport Autobahn Project. Formerly known to reporters only through smuggled documents labeled “Operation Faster, Furious-er & Safer: Wollaston Drift,” the long rumored motorway project was unleashed on the public today during an outdoor ceremony held in the Wendy’s parking lot on Newport Avenue.

By removing all speed limits, street signs, and rules, the mayor and his newly formed Department of Make Things Way Faster (DMTWF) hopes to create an altogether more enjoyable driving experience on the brand new four-lane superhighway.

“Break out the champagne, Quincy!” screeched the mayor’s aide and newly hired head of the DMTWF, Jeffo Brian. “Long has this city needed a much, much, much faster and more enjoyable way to get from one end of Quincy to the other. By examining footage of the German Autobahn, famous for being the playground of the rich and famous, as well as it’s wicked insane car crashes that leave almost no one alive, and by having a team of researchers watch The Fast and the Furious and The French Connection---back to back, at least twice---we have done it. The Newport Autobahn will begin directly outside the Wendy's in Wollaston and end somewhere near the Monadnock Mountain Spring Water bottling plant next to the Quincy Adams train station. Trust me, this shit is gonna be fucking insane.”

A question-and-answer period then followed the ceremony. “It was just easier to take the signs down at night,” the mayor responded when asked as to why there was absolutely no warning about this extreme change in traffic laws. “Our last meeting ended in a session of heavy drinking at Malachy’s, and we all ran out and started ripping the signs down ourselves. We figured that, since we had already started, we might as well finish.” As to the seemingly arbitrary location of the beginning and end of the superhighway, Jeffo Brian advised that this had already been taken into careful consideration. “Yes, it seems strange to start and end in those places,” he admitted. “But preliminary tests have shown that people love Wendy’s, and now you can just tear right out of the drive-thru and make it to the southbound highway in, like, one minute. Think about that---that’s insane!”

Closer examination of the blueprints, however, scrawled hastily on the back of a flyer for a long-since-past Disengaged show at the now defunct Dee Dee’s Lounge, show that the original scope of the project was originally much larger.

“Yeah, we had some budget issues,” Brian announced. “There was gonna be this nasty jump near the John Adams mansion where, if you timed it just right, you could launch over the train tracks and cut over to Hancock Street. It would’ve saved a lot of time for morning commuters. Also, Skip in the accounting department had an idea for a totally unnecessary ‘loop-de-loop’ at the intersection of Newport and Beale. Thing would have cost about forty billion dollars, but it looked sick on the drawing he made. We’re not ruling out these ideas just yet, but we’ll have to wait for next year’s budget. There's only so much money to go around, you know?”

Wasting little time, the mayor and his aides cut the red ribbon, officially opening up the speedway amidst scattered applause. “He who dares!” Koch yelled, all while taking sips of his complimentary Wendy’s Frosty. “Survival of the fittest!” followed Brian. Unfortunately, the day was not without tragedy, as Jeffo Brian, while testing the project for the very first time, was killed when his car spiraled out of control and collided into 245 Newport Ave in a flaming wreck.

As is standard protocol for any Quincy city official, an autopsy was performed immediately after the remains of Jeffo Brian were found. First hand reports indicate that speed, coupled with a careless disregard for the laws of physics, lack of a driver's license, and an absolute mind-blowing amount of champagne and Frosty’s contributed to his death.

Ritz Motel announces reopening in North Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Against the wishes of both the public and it’s own management, the infamous Ritz Motel in North Quincy is reopening this summer as part of Mayor Thomas Koch's publicly panned "Saucy Moves" campaign.

Thrice voted the “Sketchiest Shade Hole” in Quincy Seedy Motels Magazine (1992, 1993 and 1998), the Ritz Motel was the location of numerous indescribable acts of inhumane behavior over the years. Closed down by the city several years ago due to pressure from both Capital Hill and PETA, the Ritz has decided to open it’s doors once again, causing a general feeling of disgust to rush through the city.

“That place was the worst,” remarked Val Vickson, a part time bookie and owner of the Ritz. “I just can’t believe it’s reopening. I never wanted to hear those words”.

Neighbors of the establishment were equally appalled. Hark McGark, an unfortunately named unemployed plumber who declined to give his address, stated that the motel was “wicked disgusting” and “the place where dreams go to die.”

Others in the area recalled horrific tales from their past. "I was staying there for an hour once," commented Geraldine Grimplesche, a short order cook from Hough's Neck. "I used to take my lunch break there and read romance novels. It was obviously a gross place, but where else can you rent a room in fifteen minute intervals? I got pregnant two times just from sitting on the bed there once. I don't even know how that happens. I can think of one way---just one---but it's fucking disgusting. I'm gonna go home and boil myself now."

"The mayor has no clue what he's doing," said Matty Southside, a former South Quincy legend. "Clearly, he has no idea the breed of filthy, ridiculous freaks this is gonna bring in from over the bridge. I knew a guy who used to drink at the Cathay Pacific all night long and just stare at the old whores until he couldn't take it anymore. Next thing you know, he's at the Ritz Motel, cranking one out in the sink. What a nasty dude that guy was. I don't care if the mayor gets Billy Mays to pitch this shit at top volume on every cable access station in the city---it's not gonna work."