Monday, March 8, 2010

Quincy Aquarium does very little to impress locals, celebrates record-breaking gift shop sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The all-new Quincy Aquarium opened this weekend to lackluster reviews from both critics and residents alike, paving way for what appears to be yet another failed enterprise for the already deteriorating Quincy Center.

The Quincy Aquarium is awkwardly located in the middle of Gay Street, a small side street, known only for it's hilarious name.

"That aquarium was nothing short of despicable," remarked Furnie Brook, owner of an undisclosed parkway in the heart of Quincy. "First of all, none of the marine life was even real. They were just carved wooden figures with paint on them. I'll admit, the craftsmanship was outstanding. But I wasn't looking for art, I was looking to shut three kids up for a couple of hours so I could text my secretary about the horrendous shit I was gonna do to her ass. Now, I have to explain to three toddlers why penguins and seals never move. Fuck my life."

While most residents agreed with Brook's assessment of the aquarium, others were more optimistic, some of them even ecstatic.

"I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about it," claimed Calvin Steadfast, a smooth operator from the seductively enticing side of West Quincy. "But it was funny to find out that Quincy has a Gay Street. I never knew that before."

Photographic evidence that Quincy has a Gay Street, which is located just off of School Street.

"Who cares if the animals aren't real?" asked Dean Kablenko. "They're still amazing to watch. Just because something doesn't move, doesn't make it any less fun. It's pretty much the same opinion I have about sex."

Kablenko then paused for a moment as he received a text message from his wife, who had been watching his interview live on Quincy Access Television. And as the look on his face changed from a general sense of comfort to a mind-bending state of panic, it could only be assumed that he, like many others before him, would be spending the next few nights on the couch.

Answering to complaints from Boston that the City of Presidents had been "biting (their) style," top officials at Quincy City Hall replied that this was, in no way, anything new, as it had been going on for well over a week.

Just last month, Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market had been relocated to Hough's Neck.

A young lady in the newly-relocated Quincy Market, cheating on her husband with Red Auerbach.

"To say that Quincy is attempting to copy Boston is a ludicrous statement," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. "We are merely staking claim to things that should have been ours to begin with. An aquarium is much better suited for our area. Our Gay Street location is far more convenient than Boston's. As far as anybody knows, the Blue Line doesn't even exist. But with our location, there are so many bus routes that pass through the area. Or, if the weather is nice, you can walk through scenic Quincy Center and spend the day drinking in Irish pubs, getting your nails done by the Vietnamese, and wasting your hard-earned money on worthless trinkets in one of our many dollar stores. As for the Quincy Market incident, I think that is an obvious one. That belonged to us from the very beginning. You don't see us running around opening up places called Boston Market, do you?"

It was later revealed that Quincy does, in fact, have a Boston Market.

After only an hour of being open, most of those at the Quincy Aquarium had given up any hope of being entertained, causing many to become confused and purchase as much as possible from the aquarium's insanely overstocked gift shop.

One lady, in particular, was said to have purchased so many items that a specialty store from the Monponsett section of Hanson was flown in by personal helicopter to custom-build a suitcase so that she could carry them all home.

"The aquarium did not have much to offer," admitted Edna Turnip, 98, of North Quincy. "But the gift shop had such an extensive collection of clothing and figurines. I found myself unable to resist the compelling deals and bargains.

Turnip, who is no stranger to diving head-first into wild situations, then walked nearly three miles to her home, where she immediately collapsed dead from a series of presumably pre-existing medical conditions, all while Scallion photographers took pictures and heckled her through a megaphone.

Edna Turnip, who carried over 300lbs. of crap from School St. to Hollis Ave.

Until further notification, the Quincy Aquarium is scheduled to remain open seven days a week, 24 hours a day. It should be noted, however, that scientific experts have predicted that the building, itself, will only last
six more days, where it is then expected to literally explode due to the obvious lack of structural integrity, flooding South Quincy and almost all of it's inhabitants.

No comments: