Monday, March 15, 2010

Local nutbag demands special treatment during St. Patrick's Day holiday, threatens hunger strike

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mark Doherty, the Dorchester native who occasionally wanders into the Quincy city limits, has stirred up headlines yet again, making threats of a hunger strike unless a contract is drawn up no later than noon tomorrow that states that all Boston bars must provide him free beer during the St. Patrick's Day holiday festivities.

These demands, which vaguely imply that drinking free beer during Irish-themed holidays are part of Doherty's "religious beliefs," have already begun to receive much criticism from those with a high-ranking social status in the South Shore.

"This is bullshit," remarked Abington ironworker and former Quincy mayoral candidate, Tom Turkolio. "This kid just doesn't wanna pay for beer."

Turkolio then dropped to the ground and began performing a series of perfectly executed abdominal crunches in one of the most overly masculine and unnecessary acts of showmanship this city has seen in years.

"Who cares if this Doherty kid doesn't eat until noon tomorrow?" he added, as he wiped a single bead of sweat off his forehead with three One King Down shirts. "That's not even twenty-four hours from now. It's not like he's gonna die from it. And even if he did, what's the big deal?"

But as the hours pass, complaints about hunger pains have already begun.

"I'm fuckin' starving, dude!" Doherty told reporters. "I wanna go to Mickey D's so bad right now, but I can't. Hunger strikes are wicked hard."

Mark Doherty, making a giant fucking spectacle out of some gold plated rings.

While supporters of Doherty's St. Patrick's Day proposal make their presence known, most others have decided to ignore the insane request.

"Who does this guy think he is, Craig T. Nelson?" barked Mayor Thomas Menino, whose following sixteen minutes of dialogue was ruled completely indecipherable by all those who were forced to listen.

John Eire, owner of the Eire Pub on Adams Street, expressed frustration over the request, as well as a general sense of disdain for anyone who supports it.

"It's hard enough to make a living these days," Eire said, as he vigorously polished the frame of a signed Ronald Reagan photograph. "How am I supposed to run a business when I got people like Mark Doherty demanding free beer? In all my years here, this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed. Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan came in here for a photo op. It was funny to watch all those liberal Irishmen kissing some big time Republican's ass, but this one takes the cake. If the city approves this guy's request, I'm gonna stick a .45 caliber handgun in my mouth and blow my fucking brains out."

Tired of making the same empty threat every time something didn't go his way, Eire instinctively looked away, alone and defeated.

As of now, Boston has yet to make any official decision on Doherty's request, nor have they acknowledged the demand as being anything other than ridiculous. The deadline remains at noon tomorrow, where it is expected Doherty will be alive and well, although showing slight signs of fatigue.

Read: The Not-So-Dangerous Mark Doherty (Blast Magazine)

1 comment:

murf said...

Sick one king down reference.