Thursday, March 25, 2010

Elderly man celebrates 100th birthday by dying

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Joe Montenegro isn't your typical elderly Italian man. In fact, he's no longer even a man. By now, he's nothing more than a rancid, rotting corpse, buried six feet underground, right where he fucking belongs.

Suffering a massive coronary while picking flowers behind Roxie's Market, Montenegro was pronounced dead at 8:37am this morning at Quincy Medical Center.

Montenegro turned 100-years-old today, finally fulfilling his lifelong dream.

Neighbors remember Montenegro as the type of guy you could count on, some even going as far as to say that he was a kind and gentle man.

Montenegro, whose last name is pronounced exactly as it appears, was a veteran of the Second World War, receiving an honorable discharge after sustaining a shrapnel injury to his left leg. An injury that would plague him until his dying day.

In the early mornings, Montenegro would take long walks on Southern Artery, waving to the morning commuters as they passed.

In the afternoons, he would eat hot dogs and stare at people from a bench.

After sunset, however, he would stay in and watch VHS porn at an ear-splitting volume, all while housing staff and orderlies struggled to get past the seven deadbolts on the door to his Brackett Street assisted living home.

"Joe was a great guy," remarked Ronaldo Sanchez, who works as a janitor in Montenegro's apartment complex. "People just weren't able to get passed his habits after dark, that's all. It was just too much for some people to handle. Sometimes, when he was in there doing his thing, he would scream at the top of his lungs. Other times, he would end up squeezing his penis so hard that he would be hospitalized for weeks. I mean, don't get me wrong, I loved the guy like a father, and I was sad to see him go, but, when it comes down to it, I'm glad he's dead."

Montenegro is survived by his two daughters, Marie and Isabella, as well as sixteen granddaughters, a mentally disabled cousin, and his barber, Roy.

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