Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Predator seeks exploratory committee for possible run in 2010 Massachusetts Gubernatorial Election

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just when you thought it was safe to talk politics in Massachusetts, a fucking alien assassin with infrared vision decides to run for governor.

Predator, who is perhaps best-known for his groundbreaking, eponymous action film, has long since been involved in behind-the-scenes politics, having privately endorsed George W. Bush in both elections, and most recently, donated the maximum amount allowed into John McCain's failed presidential campaign.

Predator, whose birth name is Fred Calloway, announced his interest in the upcoming election yesterday afternoon, during a last-minute press conference in the fire damaged section of the Quincy Center strip.

Interested and uninterested parties alike gathered amongst the charred remnants of Taso's Pizza to listen to the Predator's mind-numbing 90-minute speech, in which he declared that he would shamelessly ride the coattails of fellow co-stars-turned-politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

But, if the Predator is elected, what would that mean for the Bay State?

Some say that the Predator would work tirelessly at repairing Legislative-Executive relations. Others say that he would simply destroy us all.

"This is just absurd," remarked Wolf Sheppard, an out-of-work news anchor who occasionally moonlights as a waiter at Grumpy White's. "There's no way around it, the Predator is making a run for governor because he has already seen two idiots from his first film move on to become political figures. But what are his qualifications? Do we really want a governor who's going to be running around this state with a plasma weapon and a mouth that looks like a mix between an eagle talon and a grizzly bear's vagina? I'm not sure about you, but that just seems unnecessary. The guy never even went to high school, for Christ's sake, nevermind college. If you ask me, the Predator is unfit to lead."

Sheppard's body was then tossed an amazing thirty-seven feet into the glass face of the Good Health Natural Food store, where a massive chest wound the size of a beach ball then appeared in the area that used to be his chest.

"Want some candy?" asked a strange, distorted voice from the rooftops.

Both incidents were deemed to be "unrelated" by an Officer Nico Haylen, who, after sneaking several nips of Jameson, urinated himself in a nearby alley.

As of now, Predator has yet to officially declare his candidacy in the upcoming gubernatorial race, although expert analysts predict that he will do so before the end of the month, as it is a well-known fact that all extraterrestrial life forms prefer to make things official before month-end closing.


Tacky said...

He'd get my vote. That's for damn sure.

Anonymous said...

Fred Calloway - classic!