Thursday, March 11, 2010

Body of Great One Killer victim found in Faxon Park, "not a big deal," authorities claim

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A major breakthrough has been made in the case of the Great One Killer, the serial killer who began murdering women in Quincy last summer and is still at large.

Authorities were alerted earlier today, when a group of local shitbags found what appeared to be the body of a young woman, interrupting the lunch break of responding officer, John Steele, who, after making a giant spectacle out of watching his Thanksgiving sandwich get cold, pronounced the victim dead on the scene.

The body was found in Faxon Park, a common dumping grounds for murder.

"This is not a big deal," Steele remarked. "What is a major deal is that I just wasted six bucks on a freezing cold sandwich."

Steele then casually tossed his sandwich into the air and fired six rounds into it, creating an explosive mess of cranberry sauce, mayonnaise, homemade stuffing, whole wheat bread, and oven roasted turkey breast.

But not all was lost with this discovery, as a mysterious cell phone photograph was found on a phone just next to the brutalized body of the victim, who, according to eyewitnesses, was "definitely a prostitute."

"As with all the other murders, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found within the general vicinity of the body," explained Officer Nico Haylen, who has been working as lead detective on the case since last July. "What was different about this time is that the victim still had her cell phone on her, which is unlike any of the prior dumping spots we have seen. After recharging the minutes on the victim's Boost Mobile---which I had to do using personal funds, I might add---we found a multimedia text message from a blocked number, asking the victim to meet her in a small passageway behind the Village Driving School in Wollaston."

The mysterious photograph, which shows a black pentagram tattoo on a man's back.

"The important thing here is that it appears to be only prostitutes," Haylen continued. "The respectable men and women of Quincy are safe for now, which is why we have not pursued this case to the degree one might have expected. What worries us is that there is a fine line between a prostitute and a common whore, especially at night. We are asking all sluts and whores in this city to please refrain from wearing provocative clothing, at least for now. It's not even summer yet. This really shouldn't be a huge deal. But, like everything else in my life, I'm sure it'll become one. How do you stay safe in this city? Try to not suck any dicks for OxyContin, for starters. That'd be a pretty safe bet. Other than that, just watch your back. If you see someone lurking in the shadows, just play it cool. You know our number."

Authorities have asked anyone with information as to who the man in the above photograph is to please call the all-new Great One Killer tip line at 617-GR8-1KIL, which will be up and running sometime within the next two weeks, after Officer Nico Haylen returns from his annual vacation in Barbados.


Anonymous said...

Dude, that is some funky, funky, funkyfunkyfunkyfunkyfunky back hair. Why in the world would anyone want to show that back hair off, ever ?????

Anonymous said...

i think the back hair shows esteem and grace, bravery in the face of adversity.