Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Google Maps incident causes citywide panic

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An incident on Google Maps has caused panic in the streets of Quincy, resulting in multiple injuries and at least three deaths.

The incident began when area man, Raddo Slawbowski, noticed that his father could be spotted doing yard work in a Google Maps screenshot of his house.

As with almost anything else in this city, the discovery of this incident led to an immediate citywide panic, eventually peaking with an explosive military attack on a remote research center in Marina Bay, which experts believe was mistaken to be Google's North American headquarters.

“It’s just too much!” screamed Slawbowski. “All I tried to do was get Google Maps directions from the UMass Amherst campus to my own house. This is what happens, technology has turned our innermost fears into reality.”

Clawing his face into bloody ribbons with his bare hands, Slawbowski gurgled a final prayer to the pagan god of wind and cursed the internet into a hellish damnation. Immediately regaining his composure, he was heard to remark, "Ah fuck, who cares,” before casually dialing Yellow Cab for a ride to Quincy Medical Center.

"Life in Quincy is different since the Google Maps Incident," remarked Allston-renowned scientist, Matty Hammers. "Before the Google Maps Incident, the people of Quincy were at peace. They felt free to sunbathe on their lawns. When they wanted to make a drug deal, they just went ahead and did it, without a care in the world. And if they wanted to sit on their front stoop and drink warm beers with nothing but a bathrobe on, that's exactly what they did. But now, after the Google Maps Incident, people know that there is an eye in the sky. Now, they have to act differently. They have to act civilized. And that's not what these people want."

Hammers was last in the news after a fistfight with NewsRadio's Maura Tierney nearly cost him his seat on the Allston Scientist Council.

The Google Maps Incident, where Slawbowski's father can be spotted doing yard work.

"People went nuts," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, who declined to comment any further. "And that's all I can really say about that."

Haylen then stared directly into the eyes of a passing businesswoman, startling her into placing an absolutely impenetrable restraining order on him.

Haylen will face Judge Beverly Reinhold tomorrow in Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead insanity to a series of charges, each of them stemming from his foolish behavior, horrendous work ethic, and overall lack of common decency.

"If anything, we should learn from this incident," added Hammers, as he applied his signature wax seal to a handwritten apology letter to the Tierney family. "The people of Quincy have shown that they are unable to cope with even the slightest change without resorting to rioting and mayhem. Just because one man's father can be seen doing yard work on a Google Maps screenshot, doesn't mean that we no longer have privacy. With the facts I have been presented, this appears to be nothing more than an isolated incident. But the important thing is that we remain calm. We don't want another Michael Douglas Incident on our hands. Look what happened there. Some guy just happened to pause Basic Instinct at an awkward time and ended up becoming so entranced by Michael Douglas' faith-shattering gaze, that he just loaded up his entire gun collection and started taking people out. I know how it sounds, but it happens all the time. If you don't believe me, Google it."

The Michael Douglas Incident, which led to over thirty deaths in Adams Shore.

While roaming bands of vigilantes were still being sought out by authorities, Mayor Koch’s office issued a public statement advising all computer-illiterate citizens to refrain from having their neighbors print out a copy of the controversial photograph.

Larf Chemoholic, the city's official spokesman on Google images and compulsive user of the “play now” button available on internet jukeboxes, expressed dismay at the incident, but offered advice to those who are still suffering from it’s horrifying mental image.

“Just stay calm,” stuttered Chemoholic, as he spilled half of his boiling hot cinnamon hazelnut coffee onto the bare legs of his secretary. “If there’s one thing I can assure you people, it’s that a still shot of a man wearing cut-off jean shorts doing some yard work is nothing to riot over. Stop killing each other.”

A previous press photo of Chemoholic, which was deemed inappropriate for minors.

Nervously staring up at the sky, his face obscured by shadow, as an ominously approaching asteroid loomed toward Earth, Chemoholic uttered a final comment before fleeing in a bulletproof 1996 Ford Taurus.

“This picture is the least of our problems now…”

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