Monday, March 15, 2010

Smoking chimp's novelty wears thin due to bad attitude, house-clearing cabbage farts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Willard Wilcox, the lovable smoking chimp who stole the hearts of Quincy residents after rescuing elderly citizen, Ruby Meyer, from a speeding MBTA bus three years ago, has worn out his welcome in the City of Presidents, reports say.

Wilcox, who is known as "The Iron Eagle" to friends, has since developed reputation of being troublesome, snotty, and hard to deal with.

"Willard used to be my go-to guy," spoke Gary Gray, a local shoe repairman and one of the last remaining defenders of the rotary telephone. "He was my wingman, my co-pilot, my best fucking friend. You have no idea how many girls you can get when you have a smoking chimpanzee next to you at all times, it's uncanny. But he's different now, in almost every way possible. He's got this shitty attitude about him that just makes you wanna ring his little neck. And the fact that he's on a diet of strictly cabbage makes for some of the most vile farts I have ever had the displeasure of smelling. They're disgusting."

Wilcox, who resides in a South Quincy bungalow, has not only burned through a large list of friends and loved ones, but is now smoking over two packs of cigarettes a day, developing an unhealthy, and often annoying, case of chronic cough.

Lighting one of his signature Winstons, Wilcox casually flipped off reporters, refusing to make any comment on this article.

"Willard Wilcox is dead to me," remarked DJ Silent Partner, a spicy little pickle from the mean streets of Squantum. "I don't even know him anymore. The last time I saw him, it was like we were never even friends. I looked into his eyes and I saw nothing. And I'm not the only one. His family has written him off, his job at the Adams Cleaners let him go, and both of his roommates have moved out. He's alone in this world, and he has nobody to blame but himself. That monkey is a piece of shit."

Aside from being the Ides of March, today marks the first day that Wilcox will not be invited to the annual Moondog Day celebration on the Squantum peninsula.

"Last year's festivities had to be cut short because of Willard," DJ Silent Partner continued. "The people of Squantum wait all year long for Moondog Day---it's one of our favorite holidays---and that little chimp had to go and ruin it. I can't even begin to describe the smell of four pounds of cabbage after it's been broken down to a gaseous form in the bowels of a primate. After he let a few of those motherfuckers rip, everybody just started to get their shit together and head home. We couldn't stay around him any longer, it was just too brutal, too intense. Keep that shit on the other end of Quincy. At least that's my take on things."

The Quincy Scallion would like to wish Moondog and all of his devoted followers a safe and prosperous 14th annual Moondog Day.

Listen: Moondog and the SQ Revue (MySpace)