Monday, March 22, 2010

Illegal aliens celebrate passing of health care reform with record-breaking Corona sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Illegal aliens throughout the city are celebrating the passing of President Obama's health care reform, which will provide universal health insurance for all of America, regardless of race, sex, religion, or legal status.

This new bill will provide health insurance to even illegal immigrants, thus rendering the term "illegal" fairly meaningless.

All throughout the South Shore, the strange celebratory traditions of Mexicans can be seen, from extravagant pig roasts, to mariachi music ensembles, to parades of El Caminos with 13-inch, gold plated, wire spoke wheels.

"This is a proud day for my people," spoke Hernando Jiménez, an illegal immigrant who works part-time salting corn cobs at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks. "If I hurt myself while working under-the-table, I am covered. If I pull a muscle while masturbating to a Salma Hayek movie, I am covered. Even if I just don't feel like working one day and decide go to the emergency room and just sit there, I am covered. And the bill is up to you. It is the taxpayer who will suffer, and I who shall reap the benefits."

Jiménez then dropped his pants and began relieving himself in a nearby mailbox, wiping his dick and balls off with the American flag.

"I love this country," Jiménez added, as he disappeared in a cloud of rice and beans.

But as the dust settles and those who are most effected by this change begin to voice their opinions, it appears that opposition is far from absent.

"There's no such thing as free health care," barked Roger Snapcase, a self-proclaimed "hardworking man" from South Quincy. "At some point, somebody has to pay. And you know who it's going to be? It's gonna be the hardworking American who's been busting his ass and paying taxes his entire life with nothing to show for it. And for what, so some lazy piece of shit who doesn't even belong here can get the same benefits as me? Fuck that shit. We didn't win the war at Alamo so this shit could happen. Free health care is a bunch of bullshit. What's Obama gonna try to pull off next, world peace? Go ahead and try it, brother man. But if there's one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that world peace can't be done. It just can't exist."

It was later revealed that the Battle of the Alamo was not actually a war.

1 comment:

Rich said...

I hear ya, Roger. LOL