Thursday, March 11, 2010

Arrival of New York rockstar has less than favorable results, disastrous consequences

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

International rock sensation, Rick Ta Life, found himself in yet another sticky situation, when a merchandise table mishap turned into an all-night hostage situation at an independent all-boys boarding school in Squantum.

Life, who is currently the frontman of New York Hardcore bands, Comin' Correct and 25 Ta Life, is best known for the hit song, "Wise to Da Game," as well as the epic modern rock anthem, "Keepin' it Real."

To date, Life is the only rock artist to ever receive a multi-platinum status from the RIAA for a homemade demo cassette.

The incident occurred when Rick Ta Life showed up at the all-boys school, in an attempt to make sure that each student was "staying true to the scene."

Being unsure as to what scene he was referring to, Life immediately began selling the students a shitload of his personal merchandise collection, ranging from t-shirts, records, demo tapes, and a limited edition goose down Maximum Penalty comforter, which is estimated at a value of approximately three dollars.

"That was the moment everything changed," said one student, whose parents asked this his name not be mentioned in this article. "Nobody wanted to hand over three dollars for a goose down comforter with some band that they've never even heard, and Rick just couldn't accept that. He kept screaming gibberish, it was hard to understand. He escorted every student to the cafeteria and placed the entire school on lockdown. After that, the authorities were called with his list of demands. But they had no idea what he was saying. Like I said, it was absolute gibberish. No matter what, though, he remained true to his roots the entire time. That much was sure. Pride, unity, brotherhood, respect; these were the values that Rick kept with him, no matter how out of control the situation became. After a while, it became the only thing we could actually count on for sure."

It was later revealed that Rick Ta Life, at one point, rode a horse.

A photograph taken on that fateful day when Rick Ta Life rode a horse.

"Blah! Gugh! Nyah! Nyah!" Life told authorities, in what became one of the most confusing conversations since the infamous 5-way conference call between Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Mark Knopfler, Richard Butler, and David Gray.

Sneaking off unnoticed, a ragtag group of rebellious and mischievous boys formed a pack, determined to defeat Life once and for all.

Somehow, after conveniently becoming equipped with several semi-automatic weapons, the group of young rebels were able to overthrow their captor, proving that they, too, were wise to the game.

Upon receiving confirmation that their safety was now guaranteed, authorities rushed into the school, firing bean bag guns at anyone who stood in their way.

"It was one of our better raids," confirmed Officer Nico Haylen. "Anybody within my range got at least one bean bag to the face. It was a dream come true. And nobody except us was armed. That was the great thing about it. There's something so exhilarating about rushing into a building and knowing that the only one who's going to get hurt is everyone but you. I must have hit Rick Ta Life in the crotch about sixteen times. That guy's gonna be keepin' it real with an ice pack on his nuts. You think he makes weird noises on his albums, you should have heard this shit. He sounded like a Chinese family in a fucking garbage disposal. Good times."

Rick Ta Life will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where he will face Judge Jack Kelly on charges of kidnapping, terrorism, and general tomfoolery. He is expected to plead "@#$%" to all charges.

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