Thursday, March 18, 2010

Hundreds of dollars in damage to Quincy's historic Souther Tide Mill caused by ridiculous storm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hundreds of dollars in damage were caused to the Souther Tide Mill on Southern Artery during the past storm, the mayor's office is reporting.

As told, the torrential rain and fierce winds had blown some temporary boarding off the 200-year-old structure, allowing those in the homeless community to penetrate the mill's entrance and once again turn the historic building into a haven of bum sex, binge drinking, gang rape, and puking contests.

"The structure of the mill is still sound," the mayor told reporters.

The mayor then went on to explain a series of tedious and wearisome plans the city has for the mill, which can basically be summed up by saying, "$130,000 in community preservation funds have been approved to make the mill look better."

But what do the hundreds of dollars of new damage to the Souther Tide Mill mean for next year's budget? Some say that it will have little, to no, effect on our daily lives. Others, however, aren't quite so sure.

"I would be inclined to say that this will devastate us financially," spoke Beverly Labia-Smacker, an all-day Craigslist lurker from Germantown, whose ability to forecast future budget concerns is about as good as her ability to marry a man whose last name will not make hers ten times more ridiculous. "Where is the city going to get these funds? Seriously, where? We're talking about over a hundred dollars here. I don't have that right now, do you?"

Labia-Smacker was then knocked unconscious as a passing motorist deliberately threw an unopened can of Campbell's Chunky off the back of her head.

"Hey, Labia-Smacker," the motorist could be heard, as he drifted by at an anxiety-inducing 3 mph. "Why don't you go smack a labia, you fuckin' douche!"

Labia-Smacker was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where her previous statement of not having over a hundred dollars was discovered to be true, causing doctors to do nothing but stare at her in anger while the back of her head bled at the speed of an upside down gallon of milk.

For more information on the Souther Tide Mill, please call Mayor Thomas Koch.

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