Friday, March 12, 2010

Controversial investment consultant takes old bag of bones for entire life savings

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Like many old hens before her, Ruth Payne-Train, a retired widow from Quincy Point, thought she knew a good deal when she saw one.

What she didn't know is that Gerard Pembleton, an amateur investor from the working class section of Hospital Hill, not only didn't have her best interests in mind, but had absolutely no idea what the stock market even was.

As reported, Mrs. Payne-Train was approached by Pembleton, a regular at Sam's Restaurant on School Street, sometime last month, and was convinced to hand over her entire life savings, which, according to her, was somewhere in the thousands.

Having decided to invest everything in Pembleton's "High Risk No Profit" fund, Payne-Train began showing record losses almost immediately.

"I thought that young man was a professional," Payne-Train commented. "I thought he knew what he was doing. And now I'm broke. I can't even afford an early bird special at one of the most fairly-priced breakfast establishments in the city. Somebody out there ought to do something."

Payne-Train then stared deep into the empty bowl she had been provided at her local eatery and began to contemplate her life as a whole. It was at that moment that she realized she had never felt true love.

Payne-Train, who currently resides at a senior citizens center at 1000 Southern Artery, will be forced to move by the end of this month.

"Look, I made a mistake," remarked Pembleton. "A really big one, I know. I feel horrible. Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about the stock market. I see people making it big, creating a little nest egg for themselves. All I know about it is that I want in, and this old bag of bones has a few bucks she can throw my way. What was I supposed to do, say no? She seemed interested, like she might have even known what she was doing. I thought that maybe I could learn from her."

Pembleton then stared deep into the seared edges of his morning rib eye and added, "Who knew what an important lesson I would learn?"

Pembleton, who has a history of murder, will be brought up on charges of impersonating an investment consultant, faulty business practices, larceny, racketeering, and conspiracy to commit financial fraud.

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