Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
It was announced today that a jury of 12 remained deadlocked in the case of an erratic pizza delivery driver who was charged with failing to deliver a single correct order in the span of a year.
The case, The People of Quincy vs. Bip Chupacabradapolous, first went to trial in the fall of last year, after Mr. Chupacabradapolous was citizen’s arrested by members of the Merrymount community on September 20th and brought kicking and screaming to the steps of the Quincy Police headquarters.
He was charged with 4,037 counts of incorrect pizza delivery orders, 1 count of driving with only three wheels on his car, and 1 count of painting his bare feet to look like he was wearing Converse All-Stars.
Chupacabradapolous, moments after installing a couch and wall in the front seat of his car.
Head juror Teddy “The Goddamn Animal” Reilly told reporters that, although the jurors had reached a guilty verdict months ago, their long-held deliberation was the result of the court’s impeccable ability to feed them “pizza pies at any time of the day.”
“Plus, they have On Demand on their TVs!” yelled Reilly, while consuming multiple slices of boiling hot mushroom and green pepper pizza.
Judge Betsy Lollipop gasped in horror at the sight of a Daddy Long Legs spider before returning her attention to reporters questioning the validity of a trial that has consumed local court resources. “This is America, baby," she responded absentmindedly. “Who am I to judge this poor bastard?”
Meanwhile, Mr. Chupacabradapolous valiantly struggled to lift his head off the floor of a long since forgotten jail cell ten stories below sea level, where he has remained without food or water for the duration of the trial.
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