Germantown sad sack assaulted outside home for refusing to wear shirt in public

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police are on the lookout for two young men who allegedly assaulted an overweight Germantown boy over the weekend.

The boy, whose body is said by both family and teachers to be "utterly insane to look at," has apparently refused to wear a shirt since the end of April, and had already been given several warnings by the neighborhood teens.

As reported, the two men assaulted the victim just outside his Shed Street home.

One of the men was said by witnesses to be wearing a pair of black Nike Cortez, where as the other assailant was wearing sneakers of unknown origin.

"You can't really blame whoever did this," one neighbor said. "I'm sorry the kid had to get hurt, but he was really starting to bum everybody out. Even if I knew the two kids that did this, I probably wouldn't even say anything."

No further information on this case has been made available at this time.

Dennis Quaid in hot seat after all-night stripper party, faces Quincy judge for alleged assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dennis Quaid is in the hot seat again after an all-night stripper party ended at Club 58 with a slew of misdemeanors and an alleged assault on an underage girl.

The girl, who asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, is Pamela Campervan, a 16-year-old junior at Quincy High School, who claimed she used a fake driver's license to get past the otherwise impenetrable fortress of the nightclub's front door. An act that club owner John Tonic finds astonishing.

Campervan has been said by friends and teachers to appear at least twenty.

Police responded to a disturbance call this morning, at approximately 1:30am, where they found an inebriated and uncommonly slithery Quaid, surrounded by girls.

As reported, the nightclub had been reserved for a personal party for Quaid.

Upon first glance, responding Officer Nico Haylen knew that something was off about the scene, prompting him to draw his weapon and unload upon the crowd.

"I could tell something was awry," Haylen told reporters. "Partly because the young girl looked familiar, but mostly because of the guilty look on Quaid's face."

It should also be noted that Haylen had been accused of having an affair with the very same girl last summer, although she later refused to testify, shortly after receiving a brand new 2008 Audi RS4 from an anonymous donor.

After backup arrived, both Quaid and Campervan were taken into custody, where Campervan told authorities the actor had attempted to tear her breasts off.

On top of over a dozen smaller charges, Quaid was then placed under arrest for assault on a minor, to which he would only admit to "tweaking her nipples."

Quaid, explaining away the nipple tweaking fiasco during Friday morning arraignment.

"I honestly had no idea how old she was," Quaid pleaded. "I had no idea how old any of them were. They were all so soft, and everything was just fuzzy."

While Judge Naples E. Maples of the Quincy District Court is given time to sift through over three pages of eyewitness accounts, Quaid's wife is expected to file for divorce, where she will most likely take the celebrity for everything he is worth.

"This isn't the last we'll hear from Quaid," said Craig Billings, a local black.

Billings then swallowed several handfuls of high potency painkillers and proceeded to make pointless observations about the rising divorce rates in the South Shore.

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.


Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Quincy Center sandwich salesman’s license revoked over alleged deli meat scam

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy Center salesman’s commercial food license has been revoked indefinitely after allegations of a scam involving forged documents was brought to light.

Val Vickson, 29, of Farrington Street, appeared before Judge Heathcliff Dagwood in the frozen food section of Super Stop & Shop, as the Quincy District Courthouse is currently being fumigated after several complaints of flying scorpions.

Vickson, shivering violently in his sleeveless "Big Johnson Bar & Casino" shirt, pleaded not guilty to forging signs for his sandwich shop, which indicated that he exclusively used Boar’s Head quality deli meats.

The signs were discovered to be forgeries when a customer noticed the company's name misspelled as “Boarz Hed,” along with the horrifying similarities between Vickson’s sandwiches and Lunchables brand snacks.

Vickson was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.


Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

Local woman accuses maniac cat of sexual assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local woman has accused area feline, Charles del Guapo, of sexual assault, claiming he made several unwanted advances on her at a fundraiser being held this past weekend at the Sons of Italy Hall on Quarry Street.

This is not the first time del Guapo has been accused of such an act.

In 2001, del Guapo was detained by airport security at TF Green, after a fellow passenger accused him of giving her a number of awkward glances.

In 2004, del Guapo was pulled over by Massachusetts State Police, where he was found with a group of underage girls and several open containers of beer.

And in 2006, del Guapo was fired without compensation from his part-time job at Hollywood Video in Whitman for repeatedly spraying Binaca in his mouth while maintaining a perpetual stare at all women who passed.

While del Guapo has declined to comment on these latest allegations, friends and family claim that he vehemently denies all charges against him.

"Charles is an innocent cat," claimed neighbor, Walter Lou Sunset.

Sunset then went on to explain numerous reasons why del Guapo could not commit such a crime, none of which would ever hold up in a court of law.

While authorities sift through the rubble of accusations set forth against the offbeat feline, detectives are asking anyone who knows the password to del Guapo's impenetrable Hotmail account to please come forward.

Hoping to find something to link del Guapo to these illegal and illicit acts, authorities have stated that they believe his password to be a series of letters, numbers, or a complicated mix of the two, most likely having some sort of personal meaning.

"As of now, it looks like he could walk," remarked Officer Nico Haylen. "It just seems like, no matter what you throw at him, nothing sticks. This cat is slippery smooth."

Germantown yard sale proves too intense for most, raided by federal agents

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Adams Shore

A Germantown yard sale was raided by federal agents this weekend, who retrieved thousands in stolen goods, ranging from DVD players to Adidas shell toes.

Germantown, which has a long history of disorganized crime, has been a hot spot for stolen goods and illegal activity since the late 1960s, often being referred to as the largest amateur criminal enterprise since the Patriarca crime family.

Confiscating truck loads of unopened electronic equipment and sports apparel, as well as several hundred vials of an unidentified substance, which were sent out to be tested and analysed at the FBI Laboratory in Quantico, authorities are already hailing this as one of the largest scale busts in the South Shore area.

The yard sale took place on Germantown's infamous Taffrail Road.

Arresting lifelong Taffrail Road resident Sean "Launcha" McCracken, along with his two recently paroled cousins, both of Revere, federal agents were able to piece together the events of the day, using a series of trick questions and the drunken testimony of McCracken's neighborhood rivals.

McCracken was charged with grand larceny and possession of stolen goods with intent to distribute. He was later charged with possession of a ridiculous substance, as forensic experts in Quantico were able to determine the contents of the confiscated vials to be "Taff and Taff Half and Half," a homemade Germantown favorite, which is comprised of equal parts OxyContin and Bud Light Lime.

As of now, the only known location where it is legal to sell the "Taff and Taff Half and Half" is on the corner of Taffrail Road and Taffrail Road.


Wicked shitty photo of the corner of Taffrail and Taffrail.

"My attorney will have me home before my Tombstone pizza even gets cold," McCracken declared, as FBI agents gracefully dribbled his skull against the side of their unmarked cruiser before finally tossing him into the backseat. "Remember me, G-Town. And never forget the amazing deals I have offered you today."

Still no leads in tireless search for crazy Pitbull, police on lookout for brunette in Toyota Corolla

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

Quincy Police are at a standstill in their search for a black Pitbull that has been accused of biting the face off of local old-timer, Alf Nelson's, Belgian Sheepdog.

The incident occurred in the early morning hours on Saturday, while Mr. Nelson was walking Peppy, his former prize-winning show dog, on Quincy Shore Drive, at which point he claims a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla pulled up and opened it's passenger side front door, unleashing a black Pitbull, who proceeded to maul his dog's face until he was able to finally fight it off using his abnormally large collection of keychains.

According to the National Database of Former Prize-Winning Dogs (NDboFP-WD), Peppy was the 1993 gold medal winner of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

Witnesses described absolute chaos as Mr. Nelson's dog was nearly torn to shreds.

"It was like a scene out of Jaws," remarked Carlton Snapley, an out-of-work day laborer who was still up from the night before. "I hadn't seen that much blood since my last divorce. All I know is this: at the beginning of that fight, both dogs had faces. But, by the end of that fight, only one had a face. And that's just the plain and simple truth of it all, and there's nothing anybody can ever do to change that."

Though all who bore witness to the gruesome scene agreed that the owner of the Pitbull was a Caucasian female with brown hair in her late forties, some disagreed about the color of her getaway vehicle.

While some say that her mid-nineties Toyota Corolla was tan, others say golden.

Quincy Police are currently offering a firm handshake, as well as three buckets filled with respect, to anyone who provides information leading to the capture and execution of the Pitbull in question, although have stated on multiple occasions that a reward of monetary value is "not in the foreseeable future."

"This attack is no different than the dozens of others that occur every decade in this city," said Officer Nico Haylen. "These dogs have had it too good for far too long."

Authorities are asking anyone who sees a brunette female in her late forties and/or a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla to please contact them immediately at 617-479-1212.

Beloved accountant dies of unnatural causes

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities are reporting they have found the partial remains of Hyman Siegheil, the Quincy accountant who went missing three months ago today.

Siegheil's remains were found earlier this morning by a group of miserable looking homeless men behind the Bearde's Mobil Station on Route 3A.

No further details on the state of his remains have been released.

Siegheil, an unfortunately named Jew from Quincy's Upper West Side, was a lover of Reuben sandwiches, often spending many of his weekends with friends and family at Barry's Deli in Wollaston Center.

A popular accountant and avid chess player, Siegheil was considered a pillar of the community, earning the nickname "Jew Velvet" for his soft and noble demeanor.

"Hyman was the kind of guy that would do anything for a friend," remembered Sol Greene, Siegheil's business partner. "He'd even help you launder money."

While authorities would not confirm if Siegheil's death was mob related, they did confirm that there was absolutely no way that it wasn't.

Services for Hyman Siegheil will be provided this Friday afternoon by Sweeney Brothers Funeral Home in South Quincy.

Donations can be made later that evening in the form of beers at the Varsity Club.

"I always knew things would end bad for Hyman," Greene added, as he peered through the blinds with the defeated anticipation of a man who knows his days are numbered. "They'll be coming for me next, you just watch. Any minute now, someone's gonna come walking through that door and put two in my head. I just hope I never see it coming. If I'm lucky, it'll happen in my sleep."

Asian prostitution ring busted on mayor's street

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Forced to fuck dudes for nothing more than a bowl of rice a day, dozens of Asian women were lured into the enticing world of sex trafficking through Chinese newspapers, social networking sites, and viral marketing campaigns.

Advertisements for these escort services were placed in the Boston Phoenix and on Craigslist, offering clients "crazy pleasure" in exchange for cold, hard cash.

The Quincy brothel in question was identified in a federal indictment as 18 Newbury Ave., just a half-mile away from Mayor Koch's 249 Newbury Ave. home.

But what does this mean for our city? Many residents are still unsure.

"How can the mayor of our city live on the same street as an illegal sex ring and have no idea about it?" asked Claire Dipset, who also goes by the name Tiffany McNabb. "You can hear an Asian woman cumming from two cities away, nevermind a half-mile. Somebody's not telling the whole story here. Something is amiss."

Raiding the Newbury Ave. apartment complex, Quincy Police Department's Special Victims Unit apprehended Hahn Phuck Wong, 30, of North Quincy, as well as Chong Duk Quan, 41, of New York City's Lower East Side.

Wong and Quan will be arraigned together at Quincy District Court, shortly after authorities are able to determine how to enter and search their mint condition, tricked-out Subaru Imprezas, which, according to baffled officers at the crime scene, have "no visible door handles."

If convicted, they could both serve up to 30 days in prison.


Surveillance photo of the 18 Newbury Ave. location of the North Quincy brothel.

"We believe that both Wong and Quan kept a list of names and records of each client," spoke Officer Nico Haylen, who was mysteriously early arriving on the scene. "The trouble is, it seems that these records are kept in the glove compartments of their vehicles, which, as far as we've been able to tell, have absolutely no door handles. So, once somebody comes up with a way to get into a car with no door handles, we can go further. Until then, all we can do is wait."

Spending his morning observing the police crackdown, elderly neighbor Malt Whitman of 22 Newbury Ave. remarked that “the days of the free-range prostitute are over. The age of the brothel is here.”

Within police earshot, Whitman then ordered over 30 buckets of high-grade linoleum to feed an addiction which has crippled him since the late 1970s.

As of now, Mayor Koch has made no official comment on this matter.

Local man goes on frantic search for Internet

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Whitman resident known only as No-Internet Andy has just put in for his two-week vacation, claiming that he will not rest until he has found the Internet.

Holding a "members only" press conference in the Monponsett section of Hanson, No-Internet Andy vowed to reporters that he would soon find the Internet and harness all of it's uncanny power.

Claiming to have never once actually come into contact with the Internet, No-Internet Andy spoke quite fondly of the global system of networks, claiming the desire to overcome his no-Internet status has given him a new purpose in life.

The search was preempted by a stop at a local corner store to buy $15 worth of protein bars and twelve cartons of Muscle Milk, which No-Internet Andy believed would help him immensely in his quest.

Loading a sleeping bag, three hundred yards of highly resilient nylon rope, and a flashlight into the back of his truck, No-Internet Andy performed a final check on the air pressure of his tires before waving goodbye to no one in particular.

"Farewell," he said, as he peeled off at the smooth crawl of a wounded mongoose. "I shall find the Internet and bring it back to my hometown of Whitman. And when I return, we shall all be instant millionaires. From the hungry locals at Venus Cafe, to the lonely Keno players at the Office, we shall all embrace the Internet, making each and every website we visit our own."

Having made it only six feet from his original starting point, all four tires of his 1976 Jeep Cherokee then exploded due to massive over-inflation, causing him to spin wildly out of control, colliding with a newlywed couple on a tandem bicycle.

"Don't wait for me," No-Internet Andy could be heard saying, as the Whitman Police carelessly tossed him into backseat of a cruiser.

No-Internet Andy will be charged with two counts of driving to endanger.

In accordance with new South Shore law, he will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will then be introduced to the Internet via the Norfolk County Correctional Center in Dedham.

Baby puncher arrested in Quincy Police sting operation, shows no signs of regret

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police arrested Seymour Chumsford, of Quincy Point, yesterday as part of an intense sting operation, charging him in a recent rash of baby punchings that had been occurring over the past three weeks.

Chumsford, who is no stranger to jail cells, was last in the news only two months ago, when he attempted to blame Toyota's current recall concerns after his mid-nineties Corolla accidentally backed over his wife's face a total of twenty-six times.

The first reports of these baby punchings began in late-February, when Juanita Cabrera, a mother of twelve, called Quincy Police, complaining about a man who approached her in the Walmart parking lot, punching her baby directly in the face.

Two days later, a similar call was placed into Quincy Police headquarters, followed by twelve more throughout the eighteen days that followed.

"This guy wasn't just punching babies," remarked Officer John Steele. "He was punching them as hard as he could. Some of these babies took shots to the face that would knock out a grown man. This guy deserves whatever he gets. In my eleven months as a police officer, this is the most disgusting act I have ever seen."

Speaking against the advice of his court-appointed attorney, Chumsford showed no signs of regret, even reiterating several times that he had no intentions of stopping.

"I will punch them all," Chumsford told reporters. "Every last one of them."

Chumsford then stared directly into the eyes of a nearby jackal, causing it to dart wildly into the street and begin mauling the face of a newborn baby girl.

Chumsford will be arraigned this Monday at Quincy District Court.

First annual Blood for Blood Beach Party shut down by authorities, cancelled indefinitely

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The city's first annual Blood for Blood Beach Party came to an abrupt end yesterday afternoon, as authorities were called in almost immediately due to multiple injuries, noise complaints, public displays of soullessness, and bare knuckle fistfights.

Blood for Blood, the seminal Boston hardcore band, known for local favorites, such as "Piss All Over Your Hopes and Dreams" and "Paper Gangster," was last in the headlines after several injuries at a benefit show at the United First Parish Church in Quincy Center earned them a three-week ban in the Granite City.

The event, which was intended to go into all hours of the night, had been set up by the mayor's office earlier that day in celebration of the warm weather.

Having initially been unable to attain the services of the band, itself, the city decided to instead start off by playing their celebrated first album, Spit My Last Breath, through Wollaston Beach's brand new Bose speaker system.

This, of course, proved to be "just too intense" for those in attendance to handle.

"The people of Quincy love Blood for Blood," spoke mayoral aide Joe Schlopp, as he soothed an impending shiner with a bag of frozen peas. "If you don't believe me, go visit the Quincy Medical Center emergency room."

All throughout the emergency room waiting area, Quincy residents bled onto the floor, each of them waiting their turn to be stitched up and repaired.

"It was one of Quincy's better beach parties," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose unorthodox uniform of camouflage shorts and Blood for Blood shirt told the tale of a man who has very little to hide. "I wish we didn't have to cut it short. If it wasn't for receiving over a thousand complaints in under three minutes, I would have turned my cheek to just about anything. But this job comes with responsibilities, and once in a while, you just can't ignore that. Not that I was able to get much accomplished, anyway. I didn't even have my gun with me. It weighs me down when I'm dancing. No, we had to pull a pretty spicy move for this one. We called the big man, himself. At that point, he was the only one this city would listen to. So, we got Buddha to go up to the Ruth Gordon Amphitheater and address the crowd, urging them to cool off and settle the fuck down. It cost us ten grand just to get him to do it, but who knows how much it saved us in inevitable property damage."

Erick "Buddha" Medina, addressing the angry crowd yesterday evening at the amphitheater.

"As soon as Buddha told the people to go home, the entire city complied," commented DJ Steve Stennehy, who provided record scratches for the event. "I don't think this city will be having any more hardcore-themed beach parties, though. At least not for a while. I think it's pretty obvious that Quincy's not ready to handle something like that. We were flying today, but a little too close to the sun."

As of now, the mayor's office is reporting that the annual Blood for Blood Beach Party festivities have been cancelled indefinitely.

Local funny man found beaten to death at 62

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Henry Blood, a self-proclaimed funny man from Hough's Neck, was found beaten to death behind his Babcock Street home yesterday evening, authorities say.

Blood, who is most renowned for his ongoing gag, in which he pretends to eat a sandwich made out of a cantaloupe and two pieces of white bread, had just celebrated his 62nd birthday only two days prior, and had been getting his yard ready for an "insane barbecue" this upcoming Saturday.

"He had a lot of enemies," said Juanita Garcia-Blood, his wife of nearly thirty years. "He was constantly working on new material. The people in this neighborhood didn't seem to get his jokes. If you ask me, it could have been anyone."

While authorities have promised swift results, there are no leads at this time.

"As of this moment, we have virtually nothing to go on," remarked Officer Curtley Giraffe, a seasoned veteran who has patrolled the streets of Hough's Neck for over a decade. "What we have here is a guy who used to like to crack wise with people, an entire neighborhood that wanted to see him dead, and a murder scene that's so rigged with gags and props that nobody will even go near it."

Taking a moment to regain composure after stepping on a hidden whoopee cushion next to Blood's beaten and mangled corpse, Giraffe continued. "This is insane."

Authorities are asking anyone with information on Blood's murder to please come forward. There are no current rewards being offered at this time.

Jury deadlocked in case of erratic pizza delivery driver Chupacabradapolous

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was announced today that a jury of 12 remained deadlocked in the case of an erratic pizza delivery driver who was charged with failing to deliver a single correct order in the span of a year.

The case, The People of Quincy vs. Bip Chupacabradapolous, first went to trial in the fall of last year, after Mr. Chupacabradapolous was citizen’s arrested by members of the Merrymount community on September 20th and brought kicking and screaming to the steps of the Quincy Police headquarters.

He was charged with 4,037 counts of incorrect pizza delivery orders, 1 count of driving with only three wheels on his car, and 1 count of painting his bare feet to look like he was wearing Converse All-Stars.


Chupacabradapolous, moments after installing a couch and wall in the front seat of his car.

Head juror Teddy “The Goddamn Animal” Reilly told reporters that, although the jurors had reached a guilty verdict months ago, their long-held deliberation was the result of the court’s impeccable ability to feed them “pizza pies at any time of the day.”

“Plus, they have On Demand on their TVs!” yelled Reilly, while consuming multiple slices of boiling hot mushroom and green pepper pizza.

Judge Betsy Lollipop gasped in horror at the sight of a Daddy Long Legs spider before returning her attention to reporters questioning the validity of a trial that has consumed local court resources. “This is America, baby," she responded absentmindedly. “Who am I to judge this poor bastard?”

Meanwhile, Mr. Chupacabradapolous valiantly struggled to lift his head off the floor of a long since forgotten jail cell ten stories below sea level, where he has remained without food or water for the duration of the trial.

Area man deems Red Dog "uncommonly smooth," arrested for public drunkenness

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of an AT&T Samsung camera phone

An area man was arrested yesterday evening for public drunkenness, after attempting to climb to the top of the Quincy Police radio tower.

As of now, the man's name has yet to be released, although he is rumored to be related to the powerful and influential Del Tufo family of Merrymount, whose political connections in Quincy are surpassed by no other.

Having been caught red-handed, rescue teams were called in to retrieve the man, who blamed Red Dog's tantalizing blend of two barley malts and five varieties of hops for the incident, claiming the first sip of the American-style lager was so uncommonly smooth, he should not be to blame for any of his ensuing actions.

There is no word yet on how many more sips the man consumed, although experts believe this number to be somewhere in the thousands.

"The smoothness of Red Dog is not common," remarked JoJo Dancer, mysterious man of forbidden desire, last in the news after a feud with Revere's Joe Chaos almost devastated the already shaky relationship between the North and South Shore. "While one cannot deny the fact that Red Dog is a premium beverage, I do not believe that this should give anyone a free pass to do whatever they choose, no matter who they may, or may not, be related to."

It was later revealed that Dancer does not participate in the consumption of alcohol, making his words meaningless in a city that does not sleep.

The man will be arraigned today at Quincy District Court, where he is expected to plead "uncommonly smooth" to all charges.

Body of Great One Killer victim found in Faxon Park, "not a big deal," authorities claim

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A major breakthrough has been made in the case of the Great One Killer, the serial killer who began murdering women in Quincy last summer and is still at large.

Authorities were alerted earlier today, when a group of local shitbags found what appeared to be the body of a young woman, interrupting the lunch break of responding officer, John Steele, who, after making a giant spectacle out of watching his Thanksgiving sandwich get cold, pronounced the victim dead on the scene.

The body was found in Faxon Park, a common dumping grounds for murder.

"This is not a big deal," Steele remarked. "What is a major deal is that I just wasted six bucks on a freezing cold sandwich."

Steele then casually tossed his sandwich into the air and fired six rounds into it, creating an explosive mess of cranberry sauce, mayonnaise, homemade stuffing, whole wheat bread, and oven roasted turkey breast.

But not all was lost with this discovery, as a mysterious cell phone photograph was found on a phone just next to the brutalized body of the victim, who, according to eyewitnesses, was "definitely a prostitute."

"As with all the other murders, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found within the general vicinity of the body," explained Officer Nico Haylen, who has been working as lead detective on the case since last July. "What was different about this time is that the victim still had her cell phone on her, which is unlike any of the prior dumping spots we have seen. After recharging the minutes on the victim's Boost Mobile---which I had to do using personal funds, I might add---we found a multimedia text message from a blocked number, asking the victim to meet her in a small passageway behind the Village Driving School in Wollaston."


The mysterious photograph, which shows a black pentagram tattoo on a man's back.

"The important thing here is that it appears to be only prostitutes," Haylen continued. "The respectable men and women of Quincy are safe for now, which is why we have not pursued this case to the degree one might have expected. What worries us is that there is a fine line between a prostitute and a common whore, especially at night. We are asking all sluts and whores in this city to please refrain from wearing provocative clothing, at least for now. It's not even summer yet. This really shouldn't be a huge deal. But, like everything else in my life, I'm sure it'll become one. How do you stay safe in this city? Try to not suck any dicks for OxyContin, for starters. That'd be a pretty safe bet. Other than that, just watch your back. If you see someone lurking in the shadows, just play it cool. You know our number."

Authorities have asked anyone with information as to who the man in the above photograph is to please call the all-new Great One Killer tip line at 617-GR8-1KIL, which will be up and running sometime within the next two weeks, after Officer Nico Haylen returns from his annual vacation in Barbados.

Quincy residents revolt against police department's new "no drunk driving" rule

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are up in arms over a brand new "no drunk driving" rule posted in front of the Quincy Police Department headquarters.

The Quincy Police Department, which has been known for creating and enforcing many bullshit rules in the past, has long since been considered an enemy of the partygoer, with some going as far as to call them derogatory names, such as "pig," "absolute piece of shit," and "Corruptimus Prime."

"So, I can't drink and drive anymore?" asked local shitbag, Calvin Crunk, last in the news after a sultry night at the Granite Rail nearly cost him the next thirty years of his life. "What am I supposed to do after a night of intense drinking, call a cab? I’m not made out of money.”

Crunk then passed out dead upon viewing his $700 worth of Michelob Ultra bar tab.

All throughout the city, residents of the Granite City are in an uproar over this new and seemingly meaningless law. In every liquor store and every seedy barroom, drinking enthusiasts are demanding answers, some of them even resorting to drinking twice as much to find them.

"The Quincy Police Department has finally gone too far," remarked Al Carter, a lifelong drug abuser from North Quincy. "If the cops around here wanna start making laws like this, it should be their responsibility to follow through with them. I shouldn't have to run around trying to find a ride home after the bar. If they don't want me driving home when I'm drunk, they should give me a ride. Until then, those motherfuckers can suck the fucking AIDS outta my dick."

Ironically, Carter was escorted in a police cruiser later that evening, where he was taken behind the George F. Bryan VFW Hall and beaten within an inch of his life.

"This isn't a new law," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic police officer who has yet to provide any relevant information to this past summer's Great One Killer murders. "It's just a new sign that we posted in front of the police station. If people are thinking that this law was never enforced before, they are seriously fucked."

Sociology experts throughout the South Shore are pleading with both City Hall and authorities to stop this madness before it goes any further, claiming a "no drunk driving" rule in Quincy would be an even larger mistake than the time Slapshot frontman, Jack "Choke" Kelly, teamed up with members of a notorious Compton rap act for the failed crossover track, "All Up on the Map (2 Typez of Hardcore)."


A press photo from the horribly named, short-lived supergroup, Niggaz With Hockey Stickz.

"My side project with N.W.A. was a mistake," Choke admitted. "I got a little caught up in the moment. I can admit that much. I know when I've fucked up."

As of now, authorities seem unwilling to comply with residents' demands, going as far as to deny meeting them in the middle by allowing them to drive home buzzed.

“Look, I know they need a scapegoat to blame all these horrific crashes on," said Chester Goon. "But there’s no need for it to be alcohol."

Goon, recently released from a year-long stint in MCI Concord for drunkenly crashing a helicopter on the way home from Malachy’s Pub, then cryptically added, “Something must be done. So we can live and see tomorrow.”

While the majority of Quincy citizens expressed disdain at the law, others were adamant that the change was for the better.

Marvin “Legz” Bonilla, of West Squantum Street, voted three times to pass the law. All three times, however, were considered to be “void," as the law had been in place for many years beforehand, and there was no legitimate vote regarding the issue anywhere in the city. It is still unclear where and how he was voting.

Bonilla, still enraged at drunk drivers for running over both of his legs, as well as up to four of his replacement legs, in separate incidents, demanded tougher drunk driving regulations by screaming at the top of his lungs for two days straight on the corner of Hancock and Billings Street. Sadly, his shrill voice distracted a local bar patron driving by at the unnecessary speed of 89-miles-per-hour to swerve onto the sidewalk, hitting Bonilla and killing him.

Officer Kip Macedonia-nuts declared him dead upon impact and arrested Waldo Bermuda of vehicular homicide. Macedonia-nuts and Bermuda were spotted mere minutes later swerving all over Quincy Shore Drive in matching shit-brown colored Lincoln Continentals.

The true story about what happened at North Quincy High on that otherwise insignificant day

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The details behind Wednesday's shooting on Hunt Street are unfolding throughout the city, weaving a blanket of mystery and mayhem, creating a blend of corruption and betrayal, which seeps into the minds of all, marinating in it's own natural juices.

Everywhere you turn, the story is there, constantly changing, becoming something more, something different, plagued by the lies and exaggerations of all.

But now, hear the true story, as it actually happened, here on the Scallion.

"It was just like any other day," said North Quincy Jones, a neighborhood leader from Newbury Avenue. "It was one of those days that feels no different than any other day before it. The kind of day where there's a slight chill in the air, but no more or less than any other day. Who would have known that, when all was said and done, it would be the day my thoughts turned to murder?"

Jones then went on to describe thousands of insane details about how that day inevitably became very different than any other day he had experienced before.

"That's when we knew that we had to assemble a team of assassins," Jones continued, after cryptically informing Scallion reporters about each factor and event that built up the intense backstory to the shooting. "So, we formed an army out of all the Red Raiders football players we could find, and we got 'em all hopped up on the caffeine. Then, we just positioned ourselves around Kim Market and guarded the area in case those D.C. hardcore kids arrived. And there was nothing left to do at that point but wait. And we all know how that goes, don't we?"

It should be noted that Jones had previously informed the Scallion about a long-running feud between North Quincy residents and the Washington D.C. hardcore scene, as well as an incident, which had been covered by the Scallion, where vandals attacked Kim Market two weekends ago.


The NQHS Red Raiders, preparing for battle against the D.C. hardcore scene.

“The moon was cold that night, my friends,” responded Shang Tsung, co-owner of Kim Market, to a question no one asked. “Cold and dead as an old bone.”

Tsung, last in the news after his store’s high prices caused a massive brawl between international Hot Pocket consumers, witnessed the violence through the Kim Market window. He recounted what he saw, leaning against his store’s brick wall at an awkward 65 degree angle and smoking a corn cob pipe down to it’s filter.

“There was a lot of kids from the neighborhood gathering outside my store," he added. "I knew something was going to happen. It was the calm before the storm. Then, using a pair of high-powered binoculars, I spotted someone getting off the train wearing an S.O.A. shirt. I knew shit was about to get serious.”

At that exact moment, a bald eagle zoomed past Kim Market, snatching Tsung’s toupee from his head and flying directly towards the Sun. Coincidence? Or something more? No one was willing to say.


A suspect who was taken in for questioning because of his Government Issue shirt.

"I can tell you exactly how this whole thing went down," claimed Hunter Fields, the only Quincy resident who is allergic to nature.

Fields then dropped to his knees and began bleeding profusely from every orifice, as the overbearing forces of nature had become too much for his body to bear. Some say he was dead before he even hit the ground. Others say after.

And all throughout North Quincy, the only thing that was completely sure is that nothing was what it seemed. And the only thing that was what it seemed was the fact that nothing was completely sure. It was an air of mystery that was felt by all, until a fateful moment where time seemed to pause and the laws of gravity no longer applied, creating an uncanny aura that was somewhat peaceful, almost calm.

"There was nothing any of us could do," remarked Mike Triangle, a former North Quincy High School student, who prefers boneless buffalo chicken over pan-fried vegetables. "We tried to stop the madness, but it was just too intense. You must believe me. I would never lie about these particular events I am about to describe."

Triangle then went on to explain exactly what happened, leaving out no details.

"That was the night everything changed," Triangle concluded, as his words synchronized perfectly with those from the GZA's "Liquid Swords," which could be heard faintly in the distance through a nearby neighbor's Bose speaker system.

Police maintained order by repeatedly spraying a high-powered fire hose at any group of more than three people who congregated within range of the area. Officer Bob Cop refused to answer further questions about the incident, only saying that “Quincy Police are shocked at what happened and will do everything in their power to make sure it doesn’t happen again."

Cop then raised his standard-issue pistol to his head and blew his brains out on the sidewalk, as the horror of a society that could produce such an atrocious event was simply too much for his feeble mind to take.

Hunt Street resident and father of none, Matthew Bread, vowed to form some sort of crude vigilante group to ensure the safety of his neighborhood, but was later distracted by a bag of unopened Planters Peanuts.

His account of the incident was chilling. “It was chilling,” spoke Bread, who had never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in his life. “I’ve never seen a level of madness escalate that quickly in my life.”


Matthew Bread, putting on a big show for the camera as he tries to work a movie deal.

"D.C. hardcore can eat my fucking ass," barked Kevin McGrounds, a passing tourist from Michigan. "D.C. hardcore might as well be fucking emo. And it's probably to blame for emo, too. Fuck that whiny bullshit. And fuck Ian MacKaye, while I'm at it. If they wanna come up here and start shit---if that is what really happened---then I'll back this city one hundred percent. If it's what it takes, I'm ready to fight."

No matter whose account of the story you choose to believe, or what you think may have happened, the facts that have been provided to you cannot be denied. And you heard it here first, each detail being more true than the last, yet, at the same time, more true than the detail to follow. Stay tuned for the most accurate and meaningful updates on this story, which will be made available as they unfold.