The Quincy Scallion: Germantown yard sale proves too intense for most, raided by federal agents

Monday, April 26, 2010

Germantown yard sale proves too intense for most, raided by federal agents

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Adams Shore

A Germantown yard sale was raided by federal agents this weekend, who retrieved thousands in stolen goods, ranging from DVD players to Adidas shell toes.

Germantown, which has a long history of disorganized crime, has been a hot spot for stolen goods and illegal activity since the late 1960s, often being referred to as the largest amateur criminal enterprise since the Patriarca crime family.

Confiscating truck loads of unopened electronic equipment and sports apparel, as well as several hundred vials of an unidentified substance, which were sent out to be tested and analysed at the FBI Laboratory in Quantico, authorities are already hailing this as one of the largest scale busts in the South Shore area.

The yard sale took place on Germantown's infamous Taffrail Road.

Arresting lifelong Taffrail Road resident Sean "Launcha" McCracken, along with his two recently paroled cousins, both of Revere, federal agents were able to piece together the events of the day, using a series of trick questions and the drunken testimony of McCracken's neighborhood rivals.

McCracken was charged with grand larceny and possession of stolen goods with intent to distribute. He was later charged with possession of a ridiculous substance, as forensic experts in Quantico were able to determine the contents of the confiscated vials to be "Taff and Taff Half and Half," a homemade Germantown favorite, which is comprised of equal parts OxyContin and Bud Light Lime.

As of now, the only known location where it is legal to sell the "Taff and Taff Half and Half" is on the corner of Taffrail Road and Taffrail Road.

Wicked shitty photo of the corner of Taffrail and Taffrail.

"My attorney will have me home before my Tombstone pizza even gets cold," McCracken declared, as FBI agents gracefully dribbled his skull against the side of their unmarked cruiser before finally tossing him into the backseat. "Remember me, G-Town. And never forget the amazing deals I have offered you today."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: G-Town people really think there hard ... fucking jokes. great chance if your 30 and older and you live in g-town you have at least 3 kids. sniff coke, smoke rock, pop oxy's vikes perks or any script drug you can get drink sysco or shoot dope. go through the check list tell me im wrong lol.; August 4, 2010 at 6:08 AM
Anonymous said...: wicked awesome funny. well done; October 30, 2014 at 3:11 PM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Germantown yard sale proves too intense for most, raided by federal agents

2 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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