Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mayor proposes $12.5 million budget deficit, expects drops in state aid and local receipts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Does City Hall really need a Bose speaker system installed in every room? Why don't we charge for the methadone program? Is there anything we can do about dickheads who use Ecstasy and OxyContin to fuck our teenage daughters?

It was these questions, among many others, that Mayor Thomas Koch fielded from residents yesterday evening in his first of several financial outlook meetings.

As the City of Presidents enters what some are describing as a "grim budget season," Mayor Koch has promised to hold meetings to help residents understand where he is so carelessly dumping city money.

After taking his time to outline a financial picture that could mean a $12.5 million budget deficit next year, Koch then took a short break to host a no-holds-barred macaroni and cheese eating contest in which he was the only participant.

"I am the winner!" Koch screamed, as city residents stared in disbelief.

The meeting also served as the first public interaction with residents for Koch's chief financial officer, Nicholas Puleo, a sad looking sack of shit with nothing to prove.

"Where the fuck do you have to go to take a shit around here?" asked Puleo, who seemed unaware of how sensitive the Fore River Clubhouse's microphones were.

Nicholas Puleo, who has most likely never seen a vagina up close.

Puleo then refused to answer any further questions on city budget, although expressed hope that these problems would "one day work themselves out."

Preparing city residents for an expected drop in state aid and local receipts, Koch painted the picture of a man who was out of ideas, often fumbling through his pre-written speech, which appeared to be nothing more than a shortened version of Bill Pullman's triumphant speech in the 1996 box office smash, Independence Day.

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day," Koch falsely declared.

Koch then went on to describe a number of childish ideas he had been contemplating over the past few months, ranging from purchasing a United States dollar printing press to building a "crazy robotic dinosaur with laser beams for eyes that is able to predict and prevent a financial crisis before it even happens."

While city officials cannot say for sure how much a robotic dinosaur of this sort would cost, experts say that it would be somewhere in the billions.

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