Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Hollywood wingnut, Randy Quaid, brother of the far more talented and significantly more attractive Dennis Quaid, and famous for once completely dissolving a live pelican in a vat of simmering oil, has fled Quincy, leaving behind thousands in unpaid bills and infuriating local business owners.
Quaid, who was briefly residing in the City of Presidents while his legal troubles in California were heating up, has a history of credit fraud and spousal abuse. He is currently wanted for a string of unpaid hotel bills throughout the Southwest.
It is believed that Quaid is using his “rustic charm,” coupled with a box of free promotional "Independence Day" t-shirts, to win favor with adoring fans before running up large bills and walking out on them.
“This is unbelievable,” remarked Wario Van Gundy, owner and proprietor of Van Gundy’s Motel and Satellite Dish Repair. “He racked up at least $7,000 in satellite dish repairs and stolen hotel towels. I’m going to have to close the old place down now.”
Pinch Churkey, a lifelong Quincy resident and owner of Churkey’s Edible Cellphones, told reporters that Quaid had placed an order for 12 turkey sandwich 3G-capable phones that were never picked up. “Can’t sell them to anyone else,” bellowed Churkey. "The meat is already going bad.”
Consistently reminding investigators that he had the "heart of a lion” and the “memory of an elephant," Churkey then coughed violently for five minutes before dramatically collapsing on the floor in a pool of his own filth
Quaid, moments before casually slipping out the backdoor of Dress Barn in a stolen fur coat.
Department of Celebrity Unpaid Tabs (DCUT) coordinator Swerve Griffin announced that Mr. Quaid’s bills, including parking tickets and a Dee Dee’s Lounge bar tab from 2001, is fast approaching the $50,000 dollar mark.
“Get that guy outta here!” laughed Griffin in a completely inappropriate manner.
Griffin then paused unexpectedly, as the realization that he had given Quaid his debit card number, expiration date, social security number and ATM pin number gripped his soul like a ice-cold vice.
“Oh, dear God, no...my kids’ college fund," whispered a shell-shocked Griffin.
Swerve Griffin, immediately after realizing his colossal mistake.
Mayor Thomas Koch was unable to respond to the incident as a dispute with staff over boneless chicken at the Wollaston KFC raged on endlessly.
Randy Quaid was unavailable for comment as his room at the Presidents' City Inn had a “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging ominously from it’s door.
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