Thursday, April 8, 2010

Homeless hangout spot closed down due to lack of funding, citywide indifference

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

The small, wooded area on Broad Street that many homeless residents have learned to call "home" has been closed down by it's owner, reports say.

This well-known hangout spot, known as "Club Billy's" to some, as it is located a stone's throw away from the infamous Father Bill's Place, has housed many unpopular characters over the years, almost all of them being unemployed rapists.

Notorious for it's all-day drinking parties and homeless orgies, this small patch of land has plagued the Broad Street area for quite some time.

"I just had to close that place down," said Craig Breakfast, who purchased the plot of land approximately three years ago, although cannot recall why. "Those pieces of shit were using my property for just about anything. I don't care what your political views are, when you can't even walk past your own property without hearing some underage girl gagging on a homeless dick, it kinda makes you reevaluate things. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but come on, that's just gross. I just couldn't afford the upkeep anymore. Why should I have to clean up after those slobs?"

But while most people couldn't care less about the homeless community, others have actually taken the time to speak in favor of these vile creatures.

Stefanie "Nails" Tinotaran, a bleeding heart philanthropist from the bowels of Allston, expressed a general sense of acceptance for homeless people, claiming they add a certain level of spice to life that those who actually have homes do not.

"Homeless people deserve a hangout spot just as much as anybody else," Tinotaran said. "Even if all they do is sniff heroin all day long."

Tinotaran, a liberal Catholic with a knack for being able to combine the two ways of life quite nicely, spent the last six years planting trees and then cutting them down to build crosses for her local church.

"All I am saying is, give peace a chance," Tinotaran concluded, just before being sued for her entire net worth by Apple Records in a civil lawsuit that, ironically, would financially devastate her to the point of homelessness.

As of now, Club Billy's will remain closed for an undisclosed period of time. Anyone caught within the property limits will be subject to arrest and prosecution.

For more information on homeless people, stop paying your bills.

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