Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Gmail crash disrupts Wollaston charity event

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A charity event held at Wollaston Wine & Liquors yesterday was disrupted when a van driven by local stooge Gerome “Gmail” Mailer, 36, of Farrington Street, crashed violently through the front entrance.

No injuries were reported, with the exception of multiple disabled children who were pinned under the wreckage for a number of hours.

It is assumed they will remain disabled, with the possibility that some will become “more disabled,” according to Dr. Desmond Shaw of Quincy Medical Center.

Mailer, a door-to-door door salesman and self-described “extreme driver," has previous arrests on his record for flying a kite in Aisle 3 of Super Stop & Shop and for drilling a 70-foot hole in his backyard in a frantic all-night search for oil to power an old-time lamp.

“He came right in through the front, and all you could hear was glass shattering and people screaming,” recalled Steven Snell, a man who knows his way around a public restroom. Pausing briefly to pocket an expensive bottle of Chardonnay, Snell remarked, “It was miraculous that no one was killed. I was right there and pushed everyone out of the way. I’m a hero.”

It was later revealed that Mr. Snell was not at Wollaston Wine & Liquors yesterday, but instead, spent the entire day in a dark room searching the internet for the “world’s strongest dog.”

There is no word at this time as to what charity the event was funding, but it is well-known that Wollaston Wine & Liquors has moderate-to-strong ties to Latvian dictator Dr. Victor Von Doom and his ongoing campaign to dominate the world.

Von Doom, shortly after consuming a 12 pack of “cheap shit.”

While representatives of Wollaston Wine & Liquors refused to comment on the matter, one employee did state that "this kind of accident occurs all the time," even going as far as to say he expects "many more to come" in the near future.

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