Thursday, April 8, 2010

Beloved accountant dies of unnatural causes

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities are reporting they have found the partial remains of Hyman Siegheil, the Quincy accountant who went missing three months ago today.

Siegheil's remains were found earlier this morning by a group of miserable looking homeless men behind the Bearde's Mobil Station on Route 3A.

No further details on the state of his remains have been released.

Siegheil, an unfortunately named Jew from Quincy's Upper West Side, was a lover of Reuben sandwiches, often spending many of his weekends with friends and family at Barry's Deli in Wollaston Center.

A popular accountant and avid chess player, Siegheil was considered a pillar of the community, earning the nickname "Jew Velvet" for his soft and noble demeanor.

"Hyman was the kind of guy that would do anything for a friend," remembered Sol Greene, Siegheil's business partner. "He'd even help you launder money."

While authorities would not confirm if Siegheil's death was mob related, they did confirm that there was absolutely no way that it wasn't.

Services for Hyman Siegheil will be provided this Friday afternoon by Sweeney Brothers Funeral Home in South Quincy.

Donations can be made later that evening in the form of beers at the Varsity Club.

"I always knew things would end bad for Hyman," Greene added, as he peered through the blinds with the defeated anticipation of a man who knows his days are numbered. "They'll be coming for me next, you just watch. Any minute now, someone's gonna come walking through that door and put two in my head. I just hope I never see it coming. If I'm lucky, it'll happen in my sleep."

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