Short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene results in massive amount of beheadings, new city resident

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene has ended with a massive amount of public beheadings in the capital city of Tehran, causing many women to flee to America.

Closest to home is Afsaneh "Cannibal" Shakiba, lead vocalist of renowned Iranian riot grrrl band, Hijab Kill, who arrived in Quincy this morning by way of the Red Line.

Recalling tales of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's horrific reign as president, as well as his brutal hold on the Iranian music scene, Shakiba spoke about her brief time in Hijab Kill, stating that, while it may have only lasted for sixteen days, the impact of her band alone was well worth the 300+ deaths that were incurred as a result.

"In my country, there is no music that is considered proper," Shakiba said. "Whether it be Peaches, Lady Gaga, or even Mama Cass, all female musicians are considered to be whores. The men in my country, they have no respect for women. Where I come from, they blame women for earthquakes."

Hijab Kill was best-known for their surprise hit, "The Anti-Pleasure Islamic Nation."

Upon hearing her story, Mayor Thomas Koch agreed to house Shakiba in a two-bedroom apartment in Quincy Point, which, according to the 2010 Quincy Census, has a large, growing population of Middle Eastern residents.

Hundreds of onlookers watched as Shakiba and her hired movers lugged box after box of her extensive record collection into her brand new 3rd story apartment.

"He who dares!" Mayor Koch yelled, as residents huddled together to watch.

Shakiba will be given the opportunity to reside at her new apartment in Quincy Point until next April, at which point she will be given another opportunity to continue living there at no cost. Expert financial analysts have stated that, while allowing Shakiba to live rent-free may not be in the city's best interests, there are worse areas they could be putting taxpayer money into, such as cocaine trafficking, amateur pornography, and Patriots Super Bowl XLV shirts.